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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL from hell has arrived...yet again!

242 replies

Mumto2two · 11/11/2019 14:29

MIL has just dropped another one of her surprise long-distance extended visits, having sworn to ex-communicate her after the last.
She is the classic covert narcissist. Makes you feel guilty about disliking her as she always wants to 'help', but really just wants to interfere and control, and goes all ice-maiden when not dancing to her tune.
She has no regards for our plans or our privacy, (walks into our bedroom without knocking, barged into our private shower room this morning and caught me starkers. Didn't flinch or apologize, just demanded to know when I would be ready) has an air of entitled grandiosity, and expects us to dance to her tune at all times. She also makes it very clear, that her son is golden child, and I don't pander to him enough. She now has the hump as we have a weekend away booked from over two months ago (she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival), and is unhappy that we are not cancelling our plans for her. She had assumed that we could either, add her in, or not go at all, and having endured insults, (eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!) sulks, bad moods and pushy behaviour..for 7 days flat...I am done with this control freak. Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret..

OP posts:
ptumbi · 11/11/2019 16:10

Your bedroom door has no lock, and your en suite has no lock. And you throw your hands up because you cant lock the doors because there is no lock.... Hmm

GET BOLTS! They are easy to fit, and easy to use. Hmm

THE END.

Re MIL - move house and don't tell her where.

incognitomum · 11/11/2019 16:10

Bloody hell she'd be long gone if ahe was my MIL. Grow a backbone fgs!

msmith501 · 11/11/2019 16:10

It's actually simple but hard to do if you let it be so (stop being a people pleaser). It is your home, they are your rules, she is a guest under sufferance only. One step or word out of place and she's yesterdays news. Your DH needs to put you first. Mummy's boys are not marriage material. It really is simple OP. As soon as she realises she is impotent / powerless, she will behave.

RhiWrites · 11/11/2019 16:11

Install locks. Before she comes again and you know she will, get a lock for your bedroom door and use it. Then when she complains that the door was locked say “yes, unfortunately it proved necessary” and state her down.

Hard lines, hard boundaries, locked doors.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/11/2019 16:14

You could pick up the phone and ring the sister and say I am just checking in to see when you want MIL dropping off? I am so sorry XXX is so terribly ill we had no idea til MIL told us....anyway will now put MIL on so you can finalize your plans for her to visit you .....do this in front of MIL and watch her squirm her way out of that one!!!!!!!!

Ilovethekitties · 11/11/2019 16:14

I would make a hotel reservation and drop the bitch off!

Why does your partner let her get away with this behaviour?

Novembre · 11/11/2019 16:14

You have every right to rant.

MIL as the reason for your visit isn't true we'd like you to leave tomorrow.

Whilst we are on the subject we'd appreciate it if you would respect our privacy and not enter our bedroom or bathroom. Please knock and wait for the door to be opened.

Thirdly please don't invite yourself again, we will invite you when we feel ready for another visit.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/11/2019 16:14

Mumsnet makes me appreciate my husband every day, and the lessons I learned from being married to my X and having a evil MIL. My husband just wouldn't put up with this. If yours does you need to be straight with her that she needs to leave tomorrow.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/11/2019 16:23

In all honesty I would say "Thanks for dropping by, MIL but you have once again massively overstepped boundaries and we do not want you in our home, certainly not while we're away. You need to leave before the weekend. Please make arrangements to do so, as we will be locking the house up when we go and you will not be in it."

TheMidasTouch · 11/11/2019 16:25

What did you say to her when you found out she'd lied about her sister's husband being very ill?

I would have thrown her out then and told her that under no circumstances would I put up with lies.

I would also have read her the riot act for entering my bedroom and en suite without permission. She needs to learn to live by your house rules.

Definitely fix a bolt into the inside of your bedroom and bathroom doors too.

averythinline · 11/11/2019 16:27

send her home - either you and or DH - should be both ,,,doesnt really matter which - just tell her to go... no crap, she lied about people being ill to come thats sick....
dont bother with locks etc just tell her to leave...you wont need tehm then

JonSlow · 11/11/2019 16:29

Short term solution - have DH overtly put a lock on the bedroom door. (The reason I say DH is so that she doesn’t challenge/confront you about it). Make sure she is aware it is happening. Then use it all the time.

Longer term - tell DH you will not put up with this abuse in your house. Either he deals with his mother and ensures she provides you the level of respect you deserve, otherwise you will not be in the same place as her. It’s an ultimatum of sorts - go stay at a friends, or a Travelodge etc whilst she is there.

I know you shouldn’t be uprooted, but actions speak louder than words. I bet my left nipple that it is you doing the lions share of hosting, cooking etc. Let him feel the pain.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/11/2019 16:32

And let me say it again - get her out of your place before your weekend away, or you will come back to utter devastation as she will take it upon herself to "helpfully" rearrange stuff, throw stuff out, change things.

You do not want this.

Get her out before you go away. And change the locks to be on the safe side. Or get an alarm installed and don't tell her the code.

HotChocWithCream · 11/11/2019 16:32

I genuinely aghast that you’re putting up with this. It is YOUR house. YOU decide who visits and when.

In your situation I’d simply refuse her to step over the doorstep. I’d have no qualms in not answering the door to her.

Furthermore I’d block her number. If your DH wants to take her calls then that’s his choice. However I’d make it clear to him and her that she’s not welcome in tour house ever again.

frazzledasarock · 11/11/2019 16:33

Lock the door when she goes out leave her stuff outside the door.

Don’t let her in when she returns. Tell her you don’t want her in your house.

Mamia15 · 11/11/2019 16:36

What's stopping you from telling her to fuck off?

CalmdownJanet · 11/11/2019 16:38

I need to know what exactly you said to her when she walked into your shower room

LannisterLion1 · 11/11/2019 16:41

Send her packing.

She's a liar and a manipulator on top of the intrusive. You had a myriad of reasons to send her packing and not let her in before, now you can add disgusting liar to that. Isn't that enough for your husband?

RandomMess · 11/11/2019 16:48

DH needs to deal with her latest awful behaviour by telling her to leave.

Angry
Drum2018 · 11/11/2019 16:48

Stop allowing her to treat you like a teenager - why do you not just tell her to leave today, or if it's too late then tomorrow morning? Do you honestly give a fuck if you ever see her again? If Dh wants to continue a relationship with her tell him to visit her. And tell him that she is no longer welcome to stay. Stand the fuck up for yourself!!!!!

Lovemenorca · 11/11/2019 16:49

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/11/2019 16:49

No need to apologise for ranting, Mumto2two - we all need a good one occasionally, but IME they work best if they lead to something actually being done

Sadly I know the ways of a narcissist only too well, and the disgusting lies about DH's uncle are no surprise at all; they ramp up the narrative if there's the slightest resistance and her own "desperate illnesses" will probably be next

No point either in trying to "discuss" what she's done as you'll probably just get the flappy hand or tears. Personally I'd just sit her down with both of you, tell her the visit's not going to work out and offer to take her to the station or wherever. If you want to soften it you could always say you'll look forward to seeing her for (insert number of days) only, at whatever time suits you

Choice4567 · 11/11/2019 16:50

This is high on the lists of reasons why I’m divorced. Whenever ex mil did things like this, exh would say ‘well she’s my mum what can I do?!’

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/11/2019 16:50

So if you're at your wits end when are you going to actually do something.

Look at your husband now and say the words either she leaves or I do.

katewhinesalot · 11/11/2019 16:50

"Please leave" are the only two words you need to say to her on repeat.

If you want to expand you can add

"You do not respect us or our boundaries. We no longer wish to have you in our home. You lied to get here. Walking in on me naked was the last straw in a very long list of things that we should not, and will not, put up with"