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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'We'd do the same for you' MIL one...

154 replies

whoopsffs · 11/11/2019 11:51

So MIL (to be) is annoying me constantly with what she says.
She favours SIL quite obviously and I do think DP (the child who kept the marriage together after FIL had a one-off affair) does get treated less favourably.

PIL are well off and always have been, they're in their sixties, FIL pension is 4k a month that he doesn't yet take because of compound interest. They work in a company that gives them free living and all expenses and a small salary that's around £25k joint that is extremely flexible and requires no out of the ordinary work, just keeps them busy. This means they rent out their owned house in another part of the country.

Money shouldn't even matter here but it's causing an issue. SIL got married two years ago and PIL paid a sustantial amount towards it, MIL always said 'we'd do the same for you' - well now we are getting married and talking about the costs/any contribution is hard and not resulting in any actual money.
SIL has just had a baby, MIL bought all her maternity clothes, bought loads for their new house, just £100 here and £100 there, but of course 'i'll do the same for you'. But it doesn't really feel like that will happen anymore.

We are about to buy a 'forever home' that PIL are very encouraging of as we need to get out of our current living arrangement. SIL/BIL were given their house deposit by his side and MIL was ready to help them out with £8k at one point that they ended up not needing (borrowed it from his side). Because of SDLT we will be about 10k short (stupid, our fault, I know).
DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion (I then get my bonus and would use it to pay her back). She deflected and essentially seemed to say no. She also always pushes back and asks why we aren't asking my parents.

My parents live in poverty, I was pupil premium, they are disabled and haven't worked since I was 11 and I was a 'young carer'. They don't have a pension and I am not sure if they have enough NIC to qualify for the state pension. I will probably look after them. His mum refuses to believe this as we appear well off (I speak well...).

I'm just getting angry at it and the snide comments she makes about my parents "they're not really that disabled though are they" "they have loads of money why don't they want to help" etc. when DP was raised so privileged. He always sticks up for me.

In this situation what would you do? How would you approach things?

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 11/11/2019 11:57

Your DP asked to borrow money and they said no. Both of you just need to stop asking for money now. It doesn’t matter in the end what they were prepared to do (or not) for sil because they didn’t do it. If they truly preferred your sil and were as generous as you think they are to her then she wouldn’t have opted for the loan from her dh’s side of the family.

WorraLiberty · 11/11/2019 11:59

I wouldn't do anything except understand that their money is exactly that - their money.

It's nice to get financial help from others but ultimately, you're two adults who have chosen to get married and buy your own home.

The inequality is annoying but it is what it is.

blackteasplease · 11/11/2019 12:00

Much as it must hurt I probably wouldn’t ask them for anything.

WorraLiberty · 11/11/2019 12:00

DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion

And this ^^ sounds so casual. Almost as though she's a high street bank.

Winterdaysarehere · 11/11/2019 12:02

Remember who to send them to when they need their arses wiped in their dotage...

inwood · 11/11/2019 12:02

They don't have to give you their money. I would stop asking and stop even thinking about it. It sounds like you've been banking on receiving it.

The comments about your parents are shitty though and unnecessary.

I'm quite amazed at how much you know about their financial situation to be honest.

WorraLiberty · 11/11/2019 12:04

I'm quite amazed at how much you know about their financial situation to be honest.

I'm always amazed at that and how many threads there are from DILs wanting to get their hands on their inlaws cash.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/11/2019 12:04

Do they actually have £10K?
Your husband was very cheeky.
Also being in a deficit of £10K is massive. Something somewhere has gone very wrong. Are you in a position to continue with the sale?

Antigon · 11/11/2019 12:06

I would stop asking them for money.

Neither DH or I received money for our wedding, house etc from parents and it never occurred to me to expect it. We’ve both been independent and would never want to feel indebted to anyone for anything.

slartibarti · 11/11/2019 12:10

Don't ask them for money.
Buy a cheaper house.

Antigon · 11/11/2019 12:14

Money shouldn't even matter here but it's causing an issue

Not sure what this means?

RachelEllenR · 11/11/2019 12:15

I'd be really hurt if I was treated so differently from my siblings so YANBU however you've asked, they've said no so you have no choice but to move on. It would change how I viewed them if they treated their children so differently.

onanothertrain · 11/11/2019 12:16

When you say SIL I presume you mean their daughter? Perhaps they are traditional and wanted to pay for their daughters wedding. There's no need for the shitty comment about your DP saving his parents marriage, I hope you keep that opinion to yourself.
I agree with PP that you know an awful lot about their financial situation, you and your DP seem very rude and grabby. I wonder if they are getting sick of you two seeing them as a cash cow.

FlashingLights101 · 11/11/2019 12:16

Although I agree with the above (that it's their money to spend how they choose), I think it's the inequality and the going on back on what they had said that would hurt the most. If they didn't want to give you anything (which they would be within their right to do) then they shouldn't have ever offered.

If you are so inclined to mention it again, I would do a one-off 'oh, I'm sorry, you mentioned once you would do for us what you did for SIL when the time came, we must have misunderstood' and leave it at that. And then never mention it again. But absolutely defend your position re your parents, that's very rude of them (especially if they know your background as a young carer).

Do you think they think you're after their money through their son?

LochJessMonster · 11/11/2019 12:19

So essentially you think you are entitled to their money?

Velveteenfruitbowl · 11/11/2019 12:19

It’s pretty clear that they don’t want to give you money although I wouldn’t ain’t that your DP is the reason.

ClassicFlourescent · 11/11/2019 12:20

Don't book a wedding if you can't pay for it. Don't buy a house if you can't afford it.

I would imagine that your assumption that they should help you out is pissing them off. In what context did they say they would do the same for you? Have you asked them for handouts?

You sound like you deserve help from the parents. I don't understand

WorraLiberty · 11/11/2019 12:21

Do you think they think you're after their money through their son?

I think that's a possibility here.

If I thought that about a future DIL, I'd give them bugger all.

There could be more to this than meets the eye.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/11/2019 12:25

Sorry, but it's their money and totally up to them how them spend it/give it away.

I can appreciate it's frustrating, but you said yourself it's your own fault you're now £10k in deficit.

DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan - wow, entitled much!? He didn't even ask but just told her? I'm not surprised she said no.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 11/11/2019 12:26

Crikey, how do you know so much about your PIL finances.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/11/2019 12:28

DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month

Sounds like an odd way to put it; almost I will be expecting your money rather than asking for it

On the face of it the disparity between the siblings' treatment sounds a bit off, but it would be interesting to hear the DPs' side of this. Like Worra I suspect there's a lot more to it ...

rottiemum88 · 11/11/2019 12:29

DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion

On what basis did your DP think it was ok to tell his parents he needed to borrow their money, rather than asking them if he could borrow it? Talk about entitled. Work out how to fund your own purchases and stop worrying about what PIL do or don't fund for SIL - that's their choice and their prerogative

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/11/2019 12:30

When your MiL said We'd do the same for you she was talking to her son, not you OP. So now it's time for him to say to his folks "remember you said you'd do the same for me, we're getting married and trying to budget so it would be helpful if we knew how much you are contributing". Then your DP can take it from there.

It will be best for you to stay out of it

isspacethefinalfrontier · 11/11/2019 12:31

My DP paid for my wedding. My SILs parents paid for hers to my brother, I have no idea if my parents also gave them money.

My DP are well off I think- retired in their 50s on public sector pensions with no mortgage. Now in late 70s. They have never given us another penny and I don't resent it and wouldn't ask.

It isn't usual to be given money by parents (except on mumsnet).

£10k is a lot to be short.

Drum2018 · 11/11/2019 12:32

Stop discussing money with them for a start. Your financial circumstances are none of their business and likewise theirs is none of your business. You and Dp need to buy a house you can afford. I'd buy it a good distance from the PIL if I were you. That way you are not so involved in each other's lives to the point of seeing what MIL buys for her dd or her other Ds. Do not get entwined in this type of relationship where you expect to get the same as dp's siblings. Keep a decent distance and don't expect anything from them - that way they can't disappoint you.