'We'd do the same for you' MIL one...

[whoopsffs]

So MIL (to be) is annoying me constantly with what she says.
She favours SIL quite obviously and I do think DP (the child who kept the marriage together after FIL had a one-off affair) does get treated less favourably.

PIL are well off and always have been, they're in their sixties, FIL pension is 4k a month that he doesn't yet take because of compound interest. They work in a company that gives them free living and all expenses and a small salary that's around £25k joint that is extremely flexible and requires no out of the ordinary work, just keeps them busy. This means they rent out their owned house in another part of the country.

Money shouldn't even matter here but it's causing an issue. SIL got married two years ago and PIL paid a sustantial amount towards it, MIL always said 'we'd do the same for you' - well now we are getting married and talking about the costs/any contribution is hard and not resulting in any actual money.
SIL has just had a baby, MIL bought all her maternity clothes, bought loads for their new house, just £100 here and £100 there, but of course 'i'll do the same for you'. But it doesn't really feel like that will happen anymore.

We are about to buy a 'forever home' that PIL are very encouraging of as we need to get out of our current living arrangement. SIL/BIL were given their house deposit by his side and MIL was ready to help them out with £8k at one point that they ended up not needing (borrowed it from his side). Because of SDLT we will be about 10k short (stupid, our fault, I know).
DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion (I then get my bonus and would use it to pay her back). She deflected and essentially seemed to say no. She also always pushes back and asks why we aren't asking my parents.

My parents live in poverty, I was pupil premium, they are disabled and haven't worked since I was 11 and I was a 'young carer'. They don't have a pension and I am not sure if they have enough NIC to qualify for the state pension. I will probably look after them. His mum refuses to believe this as we appear well off (I speak well...).

I'm just getting angry at it and the snide comments she makes about my parents "they're not really that disabled though are they" "they have loads of money why don't they want to help" etc. when DP was raised so privileged. He always sticks up for me.

In this situation what would you do? How would you approach things?

You’re being grabby.

Your boyfriend’s parents’ financial arrangements with their daughter is precisely none of your business.

I'd just do as Pp said and get DH to speak up. So next time she brings up finances or says "we'll do the same for you"
Get him to say. That's great when will that be? Get specifics.

In this situation what would you do?

Nothing at all. Albeit it's hurtful when one child is so obviously favoured above another, it's their money. If they choose to give it to your SiL that's up to them, but neither she nor you/your DH have any entitlement to it whatsoever.

Your PiLs' oft-reiterated statement that 'of course I'll do the same for you' has evidently not been followed up by intent. There are two possible explanations for this. One is that they never had any intention of giving you a bean, but wanted to keep you on a string as regards a sense of moral obligation. If this were the case, I'd be using this knowledge as power and adjusting my relationship with them accordingly.

The other view is that they've perceived you and DH have been approaching them with your begging bowls out, assuming their money is yours by right, and feeling a sense of entitlement to funds from them which has made them feel used and taken for granted.

Only you can know which of these assumptions is the truth. The good news is, it frees you from any form of obligation. You can have the home you want as long as it's within your means , and you can have exactly the sort of wedding, and guests, you like. We did. We eloped, have never asked anything of anyone and are entirely self-sufficient. Now, when certain demanding and manipulative relatives try to use duty and obligation to force our hands (long history here with a lot of ruined Christmases; this isn't us being mean) we can legitimately deploy selective deafness. We owe them just about as much as they owe us. Nothing.

That feels good.

Seriously op, you are not entitled to a penny of their money. If they want to give it to you they will, you need to stop expecting anything at all.

If they are treating your dp and SIL differently, well that is a separate issue and one that your dp needs to deal with.

You may only know half the story op. Maybe your dp has borrowed much more than his sister in the past, maybe they have paid for more in the past before he met you - and are ensuing they do the same for their dd. Either way it is none of your business, and you can not expect them to pay 10k towards your house loan or not! I wouldn't dream of even asking/expecting this!!!!

If you feel aggrieved then take a step back for a while.

whoopsffs

Because I obviously need to explain it, we are 10k short because we accepted 10k less on our current property, at MIL's request as she wants us to move to a different place for too telling reasons.

But in your OP you said you were 10k short ’Because of SDLT we will be about 10k short (stupid, our fault, I know).’

I am with above poster. We are completely self sufficient too, and always been. It has been a godsend, and we choose what we do, when we do it and owe nothing to anyone. It is very liberating, I would recommend it. A free meal ticket is never really free, it will come with unspoken conditions. You need to be particularly careful with in laws that are demanding. Live your life within your means, pay your own way and you will find that gives you a greater sense of freedom and fulfilment, rather than walking around with begging bowls and a sense of entitlement.

Cross-posted with your latest update, in which you said:

Because I obviously need to explain it, we are 10k short because we accepted 10k less on our current property, at MIL's request as she wants us to move to a different place for too telling reasons.

If you'll forgive the observation, I think this family sounds enmeshed in a way that's not at all healthy. Reading between your lines it sounds as though she's pulling the strings using money as an incentive. I.e. 'if you do it my way, you get my money and my approval. If you don't, you won't'. That or she's pulling strings to back you into an untenable position and then withdrawing support. In which case, she's toxic.

That makes it all the more imperative to consider freeing yourself from all obligation to your PiLs. I'd also recommend having a read of Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws. There are some case studies in that book that sound very, very similar to the one you're describing.

Congratulations on your engagement

It does sound unfair but you are reaching with the 'dp kept their marriage together' just because your mil found out she was pregnant with him

It all does sound very very claustrophobic to me. Could you delay completion for a month until you have your bonus?

I think there is a problem here with expectations from you and DP TBH! Your PIL may favour their Daughter over their Son, but maybe they are not quite as well placed as you think ,or they are looking to retire soon! It seems unreasonable to expect it I think . I appreciate your parents are not in any position to help,but PIL may feel a little bit taken for granted if they are seen as "the rich ones" ,and may be old fashioned and want to support their daughter .It is up to your DP really to sort this out, not you and I would be wary of getting involved in any further discussions about cash help with them.You may have to put your moving plans on hold ,or look for somewhere cheaper to buy .Just because DP "held the family together " at a difficult time doesnt mean he qualifies for special help Im afraid!

"we accepted 10k less on our current property, at MIL's request as she wants us to move to a different place"

Say what now?

But that isn't their fault?

And they haven't at any point offered money or a loan?

How did your husband broach it?

Gosh I like that @MarieIVanArkleStinks she's v. clever, basically summed up the whole thread! Do what she says OP, you won't regret it.

OP I'm in a similar position to you, except that it's my parents who have helped my sister with house deposit, wedding etc. They said they'd do the same for me but didn't. I know where you're coming from.

The question I ask myself is - if I didn't know my sister received these gifts, would I still want them? The answer is no. It wouldn't occur to me to ask my parents for these things. Thinking it like this helps me realise that the hurtful thing is the favouritism, not the money. My parents use money to express love/ power, but again it's not the money that's an issue here.

I get that it's frustrating. But my advice is to let it go - your PIL are probably going to carry on doing this. Don't let them hold up your life in any practical way.

In your situation I would take note that your PIL seem to enjoy playing favourites and making empty promises and adjust my expectations of them accordingly. Whilst the money situation may grate - in the future they could be doing this with something much more important- your children's self esteem. I may be projecting here but I would definitely be wary going forward.

The snide comments about your parents are unacceptable - I would plan how you are going to call them out on that next time they do it. I think it is important to really think about that so that it comes across as assertive, and as kind as possible, rather than aggressive and you aren't left feeling like the one in the wrong. I really like Dan O'Connor on youtube for this kind of thing.

One thing that did stand out what the way you said you DH approached the subject of the loan - maybe that got their back up? It does seem a bit entitled (even though they have practically said that would). I definitely wouldn't ask for a loan or any money again.

I'd totally forget about them and their money.
I'd also not want to know when they needed jobs and favours doing when they start knocking on.

Hi OP,
On a practical level stall your house purchase for a month so that you have the funds from your bonus. That is if you want the new house? You said you are moving partly because MIL would like you to. Disregard that and own your decision you can’t base where you live on what someone else wants. What do you and your partner want? If you would prefer to stay put/ move somewhere else then cancel the move.

I don’t think your in-laws are quite as generous with their cash as you seem to - agree with previous poster if they were generous with it their daughter would have had the 8k that had been agreed.

Even though the family discuss money openly having money or savings/a large pension really doesn’t mean that the in-laws need to share it - although many parents or children choose to.

OP I don't know why people are getting so stressed about your knowing about your PIL finances. Some families hide their finances, some don't. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your family just because you break some rules which other mumsnetters have decided are set in stone! I can see that your frustration is not so much about the money but more about the inequity. Have you tried talking honestly to your PIL about this? Ultimately if they don't want to help you they don't have to and if they are daft enough not to know what disability related poverty actually means then there may be no helping them. I would not hesitate to point out the reality of living on benefits if they are too blinkered to see it themselves. Perhaps their idea that it's your parents 'turn' to help out is what is holding them back from treating their children in the same way.

For the sake of a month put off your house purchase.

However, its very odd how needing this money has gone from the fault of you and dh, to mils fault once you have been told yabu.

You and your DH need to live within your means. Stop thinking you’re entitled to your ILs’ money.

You asked how you should approach things with the ILs. You could start with not asking them for money, not discussing money with them, and realising that their money situation is none of your business. Try that, and you’ll find things are easier.

MIL is all talk. I wouldn't be moving any closer to them if I were you.

@Antigon Because that's what we are short on. SDLT is £15k, we need the deposit (10%), the solicitor fees, EA fees from our sale, and this comes to £75k, if we had not accepted the offer (DP was against it) we would have waited for an offer that left us with the £75k in equity we need. We were convinced to accept so now have £65k, it leaves us 10k short and most things can be put on credit/delayed, SDLT cannot and therefore that's where the shortfall will hit.

Those that understand I really appreciate it. Whilst in our situation, a loan ("gift") would really help us, we will manage without. The issue is the obvious inequality. But it is already causing DP to not want to deal with his mum. (FIL is lovely).

@mrscampbellblackagain no it isn't a reach when she literally said "I found out I was pregnant with you so I decided we should stay together instead". There is no secret, the whole family (aunts/uncles/cousins) know DP was an accident that has been met with resentment. There's been family fall outs over it. But I didn't realise it would run so deep and so obvious.

Here's what I would do.

Sell your house, pull out of the purchase that's pending, find a house as far away from MIL (and SIL if that's relevant) in the other direction without having to change jobs, and get on with your lives.

This is a whole world of pain and whilst I can see that the inequity is horrible to think about, I'd be burning with the unfairness of it myself, nothing here is going to improve because it's all deeply unhealthy and at its roots, it's not quite sane.

Ah I see, sorry. Can you back out of the house sale?

I would rethink your purchase, certainly if there was any consideration like proximity to ILs in your choice.
I'd also be keeping my financial information private from them - somewhere in the sharing they have deemed you and their son less needy/deserving than their daughter.
I absolutely understand that this is not grabby on your part and you have been misled. But this is very deliberate, and you could face a lifetime of disappointments from these people, through children etc.

I am currently dealing with the emotional fall out of being the less favoured child. I love the attitude on MN, 'oh well, they'll understand why there'll be no help from you when they are elderly'. Memories are easily overwritten. It becomes, 'we did our best for you all, just some NEEDED more'

Stop this house purchase. Rethink. It is a slowing market anyway, and do you want your 'forever home' to be their choice.

Whilst it does seem unfair, you are both adults and are trying to buy what you can't afford!

You need to take responsibility for that, not blame MIL!

Because I obviously need to explain it, we are 10k short because we accepted 10k less on our current property, at MIL's request

You WHAT?
Why would you let someone - anyone - who does not own your house have any influence about what offer you should accept?

There is a back story here you're not telling us.

If you are still at a stage where you have flexibility in the process, why dont you now reject the £10k-too-low offer, & hold out for a better offer?