'We'd do the same for you' MIL one...

[whoopsffs]

So MIL (to be) is annoying me constantly with what she says.
She favours SIL quite obviously and I do think DP (the child who kept the marriage together after FIL had a one-off affair) does get treated less favourably.

PIL are well off and always have been, they're in their sixties, FIL pension is 4k a month that he doesn't yet take because of compound interest. They work in a company that gives them free living and all expenses and a small salary that's around £25k joint that is extremely flexible and requires no out of the ordinary work, just keeps them busy. This means they rent out their owned house in another part of the country.

Money shouldn't even matter here but it's causing an issue. SIL got married two years ago and PIL paid a sustantial amount towards it, MIL always said 'we'd do the same for you' - well now we are getting married and talking about the costs/any contribution is hard and not resulting in any actual money.
SIL has just had a baby, MIL bought all her maternity clothes, bought loads for their new house, just £100 here and £100 there, but of course 'i'll do the same for you'. But it doesn't really feel like that will happen anymore.

We are about to buy a 'forever home' that PIL are very encouraging of as we need to get out of our current living arrangement. SIL/BIL were given their house deposit by his side and MIL was ready to help them out with £8k at one point that they ended up not needing (borrowed it from his side). Because of SDLT we will be about 10k short (stupid, our fault, I know).
DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion (I then get my bonus and would use it to pay her back). She deflected and essentially seemed to say no. She also always pushes back and asks why we aren't asking my parents.

My parents live in poverty, I was pupil premium, they are disabled and haven't worked since I was 11 and I was a 'young carer'. They don't have a pension and I am not sure if they have enough NIC to qualify for the state pension. I will probably look after them. His mum refuses to believe this as we appear well off (I speak well...).

I'm just getting angry at it and the snide comments she makes about my parents "they're not really that disabled though are they" "they have loads of money why don't they want to help" etc. when DP was raised so privileged. He always sticks up for me.

In this situation what would you do? How would you approach things?

Doesn't this happen a lot in families though? DPs helping with DDs more than their DSs (childcare, financially etc)? I'm not sure why this is, perhaps they feel their DDs are more vulnerable or perhaps DDs ask for their help more & visit more?

I remember watching 'A Home in the Country' on TV a few weeks ago where a retired couple said they had GC from both their Dd and Ds but brazenly said that the Dd's child was 'the apple of their eye' and wanted to move near her to help out with childcare and 'watch them grow'. They were completely oblivious that they were saying this on national TV and that their Ds and Ds's child may be very hurt watching this.

But it’s not your money, they can do what they want with it

No wonder MILs get a bad rep on here. Where's your FIL in all this? Does MIL have financial agency to offer money?

That aside, it is their money. While it seems unfair to "favour" one child over the other,it is often the case that the inheritance balances out over the course of a lifetime, e.g. one child goes to university and parents pay while the other decides to start working straight after school; pay for daughter's wedding / leave a larger inheritance to a son. In farming families, it is very common that one child receives the bulk of the inheritance, i.e the land, while other children may get a smaller cash sum.

It is usual for parents to give their DC some £ when buying a house. 85 per cent of buyers get family money ?? I don’t know where this figure came from. Google search? Sounds like nonsense - I don’t know a single person who was given money for a house, including me.

As for the OP’s issue, it sounds like you and your DH expect and are essentially demanding money and you know a ridiculous amount of detail regarding their finances. I expect you’re getting the cold shoulder because you are both grabby. Your MIL is probably posting on another site about her entitled DS and DIL. Stand on your own two feet and stop expecting others to finance your entitled lifestyle. Your ‘forever’ house can wait, or you can get something more in your price range.

I know I’m feeling both ☹️ and 💪🏼 at being one of the 15% who had no financial help from anyone! 😂

YABU

Sorry Op, I understand your annoyance at the perceived unfairness.
However, it’s their money and they can do what they want.
Tbh, I would never rely on relatives to bail me out of any financial problems
Stop discussing money with these people, as you may come across as slightly grabby or entitled

It does depend on the context. Do you earn more? Has your DH been irresponsible with money in the past etc.

I had no problem with my DDad, during his lifetime, helping my DB financially more than me. My DDad was the only person in the family who knew what I actually earn. DB thinks my salary is double his; it is much higher than that. Unequal isn’t always unfair.

MN is strange, wanting to be treated the same as a sibling is seen as grabby.

No, the OP doesn't have a right to her PIL's money, but given they said "we'll do the same for you", she is right to expect they will keep their promises.

It's the blatent favouritism, not the money in itself. They can afford it, they said they would help if they were needed, they did give financial help to one child and offered additional help to that child, it's not unreasonable for the other child to expect to be treated the same.

It is very hard to support a partner who's realising they are less important to their parents than their sibling.

OP - you won't get any money from them. But remember this, next time they trot out the phrase "we'd do the same for you" pull them up on it.

OP, your PILs don't sound very nice, they made a promise of financial help and now seemed to have reneged on the promise. You will have to forget about it, move on and buy a house you can afford.

Presumably OP knows their financial situation because the PILs have spoken about it, made it family knowledge. It's amazing how many people will boast about their financial situation, I'm constantly taken aback by the amount of personal information some people share.

However, it may be just a lot of hot air and perhaps they're not as well off as they like other people to think.

I don't think OP is being a grabby DiL, it's a confusing situation of mixed messages from the PiL.

Don't ask them again, don't ever mention it. Not worth the fall out.

It'd odd as I read the "we'd do the same for you" as "we would if we could be we can't".

Perhaps they don't want any money of theirs going to your parents?

You need to manage without them. Scale down wedding to something you can pay for yourselves. When they ask you to invite all their friends, you can say no guilt free. If they are being awkward about loaning for dream house I would just hold fire and keep looking. It's better not to owe them anything.

There is nothing you can do. They obviously don't want to give or lend you any money. Stop asking and choose a home you both can afford. Yes the inequality sucks but you cannot make them want to help you out.

@slartibarti
What's SDLT?

First hit on google

To be fair, I stopped googling random terms I didn't know from Mumsnet a long time ago for the sake of my search history (I think 'teabagging' was the one that tipped me over the edge )

The issue here is that they very clarly favour one child over the other. And despite all the 'we will dothe same for you', they don't.

It must be extremely hurtful for your DH.

But, from experience, the only thing to do is to step back and not expect anything from them. They are showing thier true colour and I would say that your dh has to decide what he wants to do re his parents. Carry n seieng them, low contact, no contact? up to him to see what he thinks is the most appropriate.
But it stinks and really badly too.

sorry stings not stinks...

Let me answer a few things here:

1. the affair thing - the mother is the one who told us, so this isn't an assumption or anything out of order on my part. The words came out of her mouth verbatim.

2. She is the one who brought up money, NEVER us and we have NEVER asked for money before. The asking for a loan wasn't said so casually, I was just explaining it, she was telling us she had bought XYZ for the baby and then said 'but you know I will do the same for you' and also mentioned money they needed to lend to SIL for their house and said 'but you know we would do the same for you' so DP asked nicely.

3. No they definitely do not think I am after his money @WorraLiberty. I earn 40% more than him, HRTP, and we could pay them back within a month so that was the point of it being short term.

This all got lost in the subject about money - my gripe is- why say that you will contribute if you won't. Why offer us if you will decide not to? It just stinks of favouritism and is unfair.

We know a lot about their finances because there is complete transparency with money in the family. We all know each other's earnings / savings / spending habits as we don't think it is a taboo.

And btw, if they dont want to participate to the wedding, then so be it.
But i would also not be keen on invitting anyone they think should be there but you suddenly cant afford to. i wouldnt want them to be inolved in any shape or form either or to do things in a way to would suits them rather than you.

And if there are any comments about how your wedding is much more 'simple' etc... point out that yes it's harder when there is no one to subsidise you.

my gripe is-why say that you will contribute if you won't.

Well that's why I'd like to hear their side of things.

No-one else can really answer that.

@whoopsffs, its all talk. the 'we will do the same' is a way to loo like they are giving the same opportunities but dont.

They might also have decided, after so much was shared finances wise on both sides, that acually you just dont need the money (or need it less than SIL or whatever).
I would suggest to stop sharing that sort of details with them too.

@Pepperpot99 FIL cheated and told MIL. They only had one child at the time (SIL), she was leaving him and had moved out then found out she was pregnant with DP so decided to get back together.

I think that as they have made their intentions very clear, you need to stop expecting anything. The same as getting in any conversations about your parents etc.
Besides why would you want money from people who will clearly hold it against you.
If you cant afford to get married or buy a house without any help then you shouldnt be doing it. It should never be an expectation but rather a bonus to your plans.
Yes they've made noises about offering but now that they have made themselves clear, step back and create some distance from them.

I share your gripe, or I did.

MIL used to fall over herself to help BIL and SIL, but Dh was never offered a penny, ever!

He is a man of fairly few words and so he just noted it and didn't ever expect anything from her.

She was a bit flighty and one day, in compaany, made a comment about him being a bit of an ingrate. He raised his voice, spoke clearly and said something like "I'd like to thank you for your generosity, the times you have helped me out financially. Unfortunately you never have. Maybe you have mistaken me for [brother / sister]"

She swore at him and stomped off. His uncle fell off his chair laughing and added "I told you [MILsname] You really can push him too far"

Some families just don't work out what 'fair' is. Some parents can't seem to help out the child they don't feel actually has a 'need'.

It can be hard to watch the man you love get sidelined by his parents. Good luck getting your head round it!

Because I obviously need to explain it, we are 10k short because we accepted 10k less on our current property, at MIL's request as she wants us to move to a different place for too telling reasons.