'We'd do the same for you' MIL one...

[whoopsffs]

So MIL (to be) is annoying me constantly with what she says.
She favours SIL quite obviously and I do think DP (the child who kept the marriage together after FIL had a one-off affair) does get treated less favourably.

PIL are well off and always have been, they're in their sixties, FIL pension is 4k a month that he doesn't yet take because of compound interest. They work in a company that gives them free living and all expenses and a small salary that's around £25k joint that is extremely flexible and requires no out of the ordinary work, just keeps them busy. This means they rent out their owned house in another part of the country.

Money shouldn't even matter here but it's causing an issue. SIL got married two years ago and PIL paid a sustantial amount towards it, MIL always said 'we'd do the same for you' - well now we are getting married and talking about the costs/any contribution is hard and not resulting in any actual money.
SIL has just had a baby, MIL bought all her maternity clothes, bought loads for their new house, just £100 here and £100 there, but of course 'i'll do the same for you'. But it doesn't really feel like that will happen anymore.

We are about to buy a 'forever home' that PIL are very encouraging of as we need to get out of our current living arrangement. SIL/BIL were given their house deposit by his side and MIL was ready to help them out with £8k at one point that they ended up not needing (borrowed it from his side). Because of SDLT we will be about 10k short (stupid, our fault, I know).
DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion (I then get my bonus and would use it to pay her back). She deflected and essentially seemed to say no. She also always pushes back and asks why we aren't asking my parents.

My parents live in poverty, I was pupil premium, they are disabled and haven't worked since I was 11 and I was a 'young carer'. They don't have a pension and I am not sure if they have enough NIC to qualify for the state pension. I will probably look after them. His mum refuses to believe this as we appear well off (I speak well...).

I'm just getting angry at it and the snide comments she makes about my parents "they're not really that disabled though are they" "they have loads of money why don't they want to help" etc. when DP was raised so privileged. He always sticks up for me.

In this situation what would you do? How would you approach things?

I would stop asking for, or expecting, money. Sorry, but you sound rather grabby, and as if you think you are entitled to a dollop of cash because your sil has had some. When your in laws say that they will do the same for you, they might mean after their death! I am also surprised at your rather intimate knowledge of their finances. Such a keen interest comes across a a little vulgar I'm afraid. They should not be making unkind comments about your parents though. I would stop sharing family information with them if it is going to be used to criticise you.
Be independent financially. Live within your means. Why would you want to be beholden to anyone?

I'm sympathetic to an extent OP. SIL is favoured with us. She got her wedding paid for. We got nothing. SIL got £10k house deposit. We got nothing. It now continues with the GC, my nephews getting bigger and better presents etc. PIL who boast they have more money coming in with pensions and investments than when FIL was working, can do what they're want with their money and we've never asked for anything but it's massively hurtful for DH.

Well, the next time your MiL says "We'd do the same for you", your DH jumps in and say "Oh that's brilliant. Thanks ever so much! We were just wondering how we could approach the topic as I really don't like talking financial stuff. It seems so vulgar. Anyway, as you've so kindly offered and we know that you gave DSister X amount towards their wedding or whatever so we'd really appreciate it if you could see your way to giving us X amount (don't make it the same amount, make it a smaller amount so it comes across as more palatable) as we're looking to buy this house..." and carry on the conversation. See if that floats.

Personally I think YANBU. The disparity seems unfair. Are they bothered that your parents don't contribute and feel it is unfair if they do? (Not saying I agree with that, but just wondering). Or do they think you are better off and so don't need the help? People always say on these threads that you shouldn't expect money but it's not about that, it's about being treated differently. If I bought one of my DCs sweets every day but not the other, that wouldn't be fair. No answers really!

Why do you know so much about their finances? Why do you think you are entitled to their money? I don’t understand? They can give whatever money they like to whoever they like, it’s their money. If you want a big wedding save up for it and pay for it!! My in laws are pretty wealthy, I have absolutely no interest in whatever they do or don’t have, I’m not interested in what they gift to my husband’s siblings and we’ve actually turned down help as I know it always comes with strings attached. I’m not from a terribly well off family myself but was taught from an early age that you work for what you have and should not expect to have things handed to you on a plate.

You maybe need to change your thinking?

Hi op,
Correct me if I'm wrong. Some here are acting like you are a money grabber. You soon to be husband asked to borrow money not have it to keep.

Yes it's unfair and the comments about your parents are cruel my advice would be walk away don't ask anything of them again. If they offer you money say no thanks. Hold your heads up.

They will need you far more than you need them one day. X

Do they like you OP? Are they happy that you are marrying their son?

For the sake of your own happiness, please stop thinking about your PIL's money completely. If you keep dwelling on who gets what and the unfairness of their treatment towards your DH/SIL you'll just become more bitter. I agree it's not fair that they appear to treat your DH less favourably but it is still their money and the only way to stop giving them any power to make you & your DH upset, is to be free of the idea that they will or should contribute towards your needs.

Appreciate the freedom that comes with being free from the obligations that parental money inevitably comes along with.

Also, your MIL's comments about your family are horrible and you should feel free to address it with her but it's also easier to address that topic if you aren't asking for money from her because that's probably why she thinks she can say such things.

What's SDLT?

We are about to buy a 'forever home' that PIL are very encouraging of

Why,do they think they will be living with you.

The money is theirs to do as they wish.And if they give Sil all their money,thats down to them.Keep out of it.Its up to your dp to say it to them about the equal amount they promised.

They probably resent the fact that you have your eyes on their money - which you clearly do.

As pp said, how do you know so much about their financial situation? MYOB

Correct me if I'm wrong. Some here are acting like you are a money grabber. You soon to be husband asked to borrow money not have it to keep.

Well I'll correct you

He didn't ask to borrow money.

"DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion"

What with that sort of over entitlement and the way the OP talks about them, no wonder they favour their daughter.

OP it does appear he didnt ask to borrow the money.

I wonder if that is the root if the problems.

What's SDLT?

First hit on google

It sucks that your PIL play favourites and are so obvious about it. There is very little you can do about it. I presume you spend a lot of time with them since you know how much they finance your SIL. If this is the case, it may be easier to distance yourselves from them or minimise contact. At least then, what you won't know won't bother you as much. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it will improve your quality of life and mental health vastly.

Maybe they think that you won't pay the loan back to them. Did your DH assume that they would lend him the money? How did he ask them?

There is clearly jealousy over whatever money they have given to your SIL and maybe that resentment is conveyed to them when you discuss money with them.

Just let her get over involved with the other siblings affairs. Once they realise that despite showering them in cash, they won't jump to their tune everytime, they will soon fall out. In some ways being self sufficient despite the struggle pays off in the end - you get your independence and you can do things your way.

In the meantime, if they want to whine about them to you or ask for your help, you can just tell them no. You reap what you sow.

I recently got screwed over by in laws (not financially) saying they would help with something, but decided to not tell us they had changed their mind, despite knowing for months this is the case. What is worse is that during this time they were so insistent that they were sticking to the plan and wanted to heroically help as much as possible, despite us asking them repeatedly if it had changed (always trust a hunch) and saying that they didn't need to help us out if they didn't want to and we would need to know immediately if the plan had changed. They knew it would screw us over by leaving it a long time before being honest, but I guess as we were being generous to them due to their apparent kindness, they probably decided to wait a while before being honest. According to DH this is typical behaviour on their part, so we had been naive.

They will almost certainly need our help in the future and they will be getting the same response as I suggested to you. Their comments about your parents are completely out of order too. You need to call them out on this.

As it happens, despite the issues we have had from stringing us along, I think things will work out a lot better had they had been willing to help us. We will be worse off in some ways temporarily, but the other dynamics are much better. It means we don't have to deal with all their scruitiny if they had helped us, and there definitely would have been a lot of it, as I hear all about OH's siblings and DIL's failings all of the time! It could be that if they had helped you out, they would feel they own part of your life, so see this as a positive. The owning part of your life due to doing a favour lasts a lifetime, the inconvenience of not sticking to their word is temporary.

Enjoy your home when you buy it, and enjoy it even more knowing you have got there without help.

Oh dear, I think I almost took up an entire page on that post!

She isn't obliged to give you money. However I wouldn't want a relationship with somone who by treated my partner so differently to his sibling. I also wouldn't want a relationship with somone who refused to believe my family were disabled. So stop seeing her or cut it right down.

I thinks it's obvious that the most likely reason that OP knows that level of detail about her PILs finances is because they've spoken about it, most likely to her DH -their son. Some posters seem to think she must have hacked into their bank account or stole their bank statements! It's not unusual for some people to freely talk about all their wealth/assets and then complain if a relative asks for a loan - I have some extended family like this.

Reading between the lines here (and probably over extrapolating) I think it's OP's DH who is the most resentful about the situation and his resentment influences OP's feelings.

So your DP basically told them thry be loaning him 10k?

Honestly I think you need to just stop asking. If you can't afford your house, find a new one. In the long run it'll hurt less than constantly being told no

100% there’s another side to this story, and what the fuck is a, ‘one-off affair’? Certainly fits into your narrative of it all being the MIL’s fault.

Ask them straight out if they can help with money. Remind them that they said they would do the same for you. Then if they say no, you can go NC if you want to. Honestly, you clearly don't like them anyway and it doesn't sound like they like you, so just rip the bandage off. Ask for what you want, and if you don't get it, you have the choice of how to proceed with them.

I sympathise with OP, too. My PIL often say they’re better off than they’ve ever been. They give a great deal of help to my brothers in law, and none to us.

We manage ok, although with a lot less disposable income than the brothers. But apparently they need help - practical and financial - because they’re “not married, poor lads”.

It hurts when parents play favourites. .

But surely, if the MIL is constantly offering to loan money, when DP takes her up on it, that is not being grabby?

The OP says the MIL repeatedly says she will 'do the same' for her two children.

All the OP's partner has done is to take her at her word. Granted, I think probably if that were me (and my parents do this same thing with me and my siblings), I would phrase it more tentatively because I think it is polite. But I don't think it is entitled for the OP and her partner to have taken this offer at face value.