'We'd do the same for you' MIL one...

[whoopsffs]

So MIL (to be) is annoying me constantly with what she says.
She favours SIL quite obviously and I do think DP (the child who kept the marriage together after FIL had a one-off affair) does get treated less favourably.

PIL are well off and always have been, they're in their sixties, FIL pension is 4k a month that he doesn't yet take because of compound interest. They work in a company that gives them free living and all expenses and a small salary that's around £25k joint that is extremely flexible and requires no out of the ordinary work, just keeps them busy. This means they rent out their owned house in another part of the country.

Money shouldn't even matter here but it's causing an issue. SIL got married two years ago and PIL paid a sustantial amount towards it, MIL always said 'we'd do the same for you' - well now we are getting married and talking about the costs/any contribution is hard and not resulting in any actual money.
SIL has just had a baby, MIL bought all her maternity clothes, bought loads for their new house, just £100 here and £100 there, but of course 'i'll do the same for you'. But it doesn't really feel like that will happen anymore.

We are about to buy a 'forever home' that PIL are very encouraging of as we need to get out of our current living arrangement. SIL/BIL were given their house deposit by his side and MIL was ready to help them out with £8k at one point that they ended up not needing (borrowed it from his side). Because of SDLT we will be about 10k short (stupid, our fault, I know).
DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion (I then get my bonus and would use it to pay her back). She deflected and essentially seemed to say no. She also always pushes back and asks why we aren't asking my parents.

My parents live in poverty, I was pupil premium, they are disabled and haven't worked since I was 11 and I was a 'young carer'. They don't have a pension and I am not sure if they have enough NIC to qualify for the state pension. I will probably look after them. His mum refuses to believe this as we appear well off (I speak well...).

I'm just getting angry at it and the snide comments she makes about my parents "they're not really that disabled though are they" "they have loads of money why don't they want to help" etc. when DP was raised so privileged. He always sticks up for me.

In this situation what would you do? How would you approach things?

The issue's the obvious inequality ... it is already causing DP to not want to deal with his mum

Fair enough, in that case you've got the "out" you need

Simply tell her that you'll be buying a different property (preferably one a long way from her) and be done with it

Cheaper house in the opposite direction of mil's house imo ...

If you are still at a stage where you have flexibility in the process

OP said they were "about to buy" the house, messolini9 ... presumably if contracts had been exchanged she'd have replaced that with bought it?

"she was telling us she had bought XYZ for the baby and then said 'but you know I will do the same for you' and also mentioned money they needed to lend to SIL for their house and said 'but you know we would do the same for you' so DP asked nicely."

Next time she claimed that 'you know we would do the same for you' I would respond, 'actually I know you wouldn't and I'd much rather you stopped pretending that you would.'

I despise parents who treat their children differently.

I have been the unfairly treated child in similar circumstances. Yes, it is favouritism and not fair, but life isn't fair and balanced, so you are just setting yourself up for disappointment if you are expecting it to be. Also, when you reach adulthood, needs are complex and different and my brother (who got more) tbh needed the help more than I did. I didn't see that at the time, but with hindsight, he needed a foot up to get on in life that I was going to manage on my own.

Secondly, there are huge benefits to no hand-outs. Hand-outs rarely come without strings. My father loved pointing out how the stuff he had contributed towards was really his and not mine or my brother´s. He tried it with my house a couple of times and was much put out when told that not one inch of it was his as he had contributed nothing at all. My father had many good points, but he could also be a bit of a wanker.

I've a friend with a brother who was all but abandoned by his mother, who wanted her but was talked into having him, in an already unhappy marriage.

It's so hard to get into the mindset of a parent who behaves like that. If you suspect your MIL is doing this because she feels less for her son than for her daughter, them my advice to you, OP, is to disentangle your lives and your futures as much as you can right now, because it can only go well if your dh gets it all off his chest, she has a full epiphany and makes amends. Can you see that happening?

With respect I think you are fuelling this fire, OP. There is no "us" in this situation. You don't need to be involved.

They paid for their own daughter's wedding because traditionally that's always been the bride's parents' responsibility. They might be willing to make the groom's expected contribution for their son. Perhaps that's what they meant when they said they would do the same for him.

If your DP needs a loan from them he should ask for it, setting out how and by when it will be repaid. I don't think it should be expected, though.

The amount of information you seem to have about your STBPIL's finances makes me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want my DC sharing my private information with their spouses tbh.

I often find in these situations that there is one family member who is up front and asks for help directly, and one who sits on the sidelines and seethes inwardly because they also need money but they never get it and never actually get round to asking for it.
I am willing to bet my house that your SIL is the first sort, and from what you have said, it looks like your DH is the second.
Your PIL are not mind readers
If your husband (not you) wants them to give him money, he should ask them for it, not sit around looking hangdog and hope that they ask if he needs anything.
If they gave his sister a deposit on a house and promised to do the same for him, then he needs to go to them and say, 'Look, I remember that you said you would help me out with the deposit, well now I need it. Could I please have a cheque for X amount.' Asking for a short term loan is not the same, and it is not what you really meant. No wonder they didn't understand. What you hoped was, that they would interpret that as, 'We would like you to give us some money, but we are too polite to ask.'
However it is phrased, it needs to be your husband that asks, preferably on his own. Asking in front of you, is putting them in a difficult and unfair position.
When I was a kid, there used to be a saying that 'those that ask don't get'. It is just not true, and anyone who takes that as their life lesson is going to find themselves embittered and poor, watching everyone else help themselves to the cookies while they go without
Kind of like you are now
You can ask politely. But if you don't ask, and you don't get, don't blame them

It sounds as though you are moving closer to your in laws. Take this as fate and pull out.

I'd be upset too. Yes, it's their money. But they made promises to you they haven't kept, and been favouring the other sibling.

why be so involved with her/them ? why are you moving to somewhere you cant afford - at her behest...
sounds like SIL is golden child maybe 'her' child and DH is scapegoat because of teh ill feeling re teh affair......

That will never change for her/fil/sil - the only person who can change how that works is DH...

please look out for you and him and reduce your ties/contact with tehm ....its not all MIL, FIl equally to blame even if he doesnt rub your nose in it like she does,....

dont be transparent with people that are nasty- look at teh toxic in laws book .... I woudl be creating distance and space from them not getting more involved

and if she says stuff about your parents ether DH tells her to shut up or you do.....you've had to have a lot on your plate there is no need for a nasty piece of work to rub that in.... cant beleive she said not that disabled enough......
I wouldnt speak to her after that even without the other stuff... [anger] remember just because she's your MIL you do not have to put up with stuff.......having been a young carer it can be harder to have hard boundaries as you have learnt to be more thoughtful than most.....

I think you need to rethink the house move.

You can't afford this yet. You are moving to please MIL, I understand you don't want to post the details, but take this as a sign that whatever you do won't be enough.

They favour SIL, your DH might well try to 'win' his parents' love, but you don't need to join in with factoring them in when they don't factor in you and your DH.

You are right to blame MIL for promising to 'do the same' then refusing when time comes for you to need the same, but you can't change her, just change how much importance you give to her.

Yes its upsetting, but why on earth did you allow the house offer to be taken out of your control.

Learn from this, disentangle yourselves, its ridiculous that you all know each others savings etc, buy a house you can afford.

If you don't, this will only get worse and you're not even married.

offer that left us with the £75k in equity we need. We were convinced to accept so now have £65k, it leaves us 10k short and most things can be put on credit/delayed, SDLT cannot and therefore that's where the shortfall will hit.

You are grown adults. That decision was yours to make.

Particualrly with your updates, I think you are getting a hard time on here, OP I know MN loves to shout "stand on your own 2 feet" and "your parents owe you nothing" but as a MNer with grown up dc, if my ds asked me if I could lend him £10K for a month, and I had it, I can't think why I wouldn't do so.

I do agree this isn't your discussion to have - it is your dh's. If his Dad is so lovely, then why doesn't he sit with them both and say that whereas he understands he is not entitled to any of their money, and that he knows it it theirs to do as they want with, he feels quite hurt at the regular comments about how "We'd do the same for you", when actually, on this one time he has asked (and only for a 5 week loan, not even a gift), he has been knocked back and told no.

Just let them know that he understand the fact he isn't 'entitled' to anything, but it hurts him greatly to be treated so differently from his sibling.

All this of course comes with the caveat there are no major issues or circumstances you aren't telling us about.

I know the feeling. SIL gets given loads by MIL, but her boys get nothing. SIL has it harder as she's single apparently or the youngest/ favourite/ only much desired girl. MIL not one for giving birthday or Christmas presents either. She is wealthy. It's hard when your DC ask what Nanny got them for their birthday and you have to say nothing, she thinks you have too much already. It's not always about the amount, but the thought. Yet SIL gets a painting or something worth over 1K every birthday. And yes her money her choice, but it's unkind to only get a card as her son or grandchild. I'd never ask her for a loan, I bet she's say no.

I would pull out of both sale and purchase. It's for genuine reasons, not being a pita for the sake of it. You can't afford it, and also there is a hint here of having undertaken this move to keep MIL happy - while she favours her DD and not you and DP? Nope. This is doormat territory. Cancel, regroup, reconsider. Think very carefully about what you and DP really want before doing anything that brings you closer to MIL or anything she tries to manipulate you into.

My guess is that this isn't less about favouritism, and more about them feeling that their money is more at risk of being lost to you and your furture Dh than it is to sil and her dh because his side of the family contributed too whereas yours haven't.

If sil and her dh split up, is it more likely that they will come out of the relationship with roughly what they and their respective families put in financially? Could it be that they fear that if you and their son split up, then you would be likely to take half of what they contributed, and feel that that would be unfair because your side of the family didn't put in what they did?

If you're concerned as to how much state pension your parents are entitled to, do something productive like check on the government gateway? For their benefit obviously!

If your parents are in receipt of benefits and unable to work they will get their NI contributions paid towards the state pension. Even if they don't get the full state pension they will be entitled to pension credit which tops this up to state pension level as long as they don't have too many savings.
They can write off to the pension centre and get their forecast.

@Boysey45 it can be done online now, it's instant!

It used to be via a BR19 form!

Same dynamic in DH family, his older sister is demanding and has been given much more in terms of time, help and money over the years. When DH does ask it's a "no"

We just backed right off in the end especially when the same was happening between the cousins - same ages and sexes and all lived similar distances.

Ironically when DSIL met her current husband MIL was ditched and she makes little effort to see PIL 🤷🏽‍♀️

Hi all, I left the post because I got snowed under at work but back with updates.

I have spoken to work who will arrange my bonus to come early to cover our shortfall. I am extremely lucky here.

We are not moving closer to MiL at all, they move around a lot and are actually planning to live closer to SIL we all live in different Home Counties with London as the middle.
Reasons mil wants us to move is because of a dog (lol) and because she thinks we need out of our current situation (very stressful).

Mil now won't be asked again, she called to complain we aren't spending Christmas Day with them but never mind. She will get over it (they're working Christmas Day!!)

The wedding - it's nothing to do with affordability. She has given BIL (youngest) the money she spent on SIL wedding as she doesn't want him to get married to his partner (thinks he can do better because she is overweight) so is allowed to use it on what he pleases. She has still not contributed. The wedding is small, only immediate family, and on a budget. My mum has scraped money together to contribute bless her and we pushed it back so it wouldn't coincide with house buying.

@spanglydangly I would be surprised if my parents live much past retirement age - my dad is terminal. I will sort their living though that's not an issue.