'We'd do the same for you' MIL one...

[whoopsffs]

So MIL (to be) is annoying me constantly with what she says.
She favours SIL quite obviously and I do think DP (the child who kept the marriage together after FIL had a one-off affair) does get treated less favourably.

PIL are well off and always have been, they're in their sixties, FIL pension is 4k a month that he doesn't yet take because of compound interest. They work in a company that gives them free living and all expenses and a small salary that's around £25k joint that is extremely flexible and requires no out of the ordinary work, just keeps them busy. This means they rent out their owned house in another part of the country.

Money shouldn't even matter here but it's causing an issue. SIL got married two years ago and PIL paid a sustantial amount towards it, MIL always said 'we'd do the same for you' - well now we are getting married and talking about the costs/any contribution is hard and not resulting in any actual money.
SIL has just had a baby, MIL bought all her maternity clothes, bought loads for their new house, just £100 here and £100 there, but of course 'i'll do the same for you'. But it doesn't really feel like that will happen anymore.

We are about to buy a 'forever home' that PIL are very encouraging of as we need to get out of our current living arrangement. SIL/BIL were given their house deposit by his side and MIL was ready to help them out with £8k at one point that they ended up not needing (borrowed it from his side). Because of SDLT we will be about 10k short (stupid, our fault, I know).
DP mentioned that he may need to take a loan and pay her back within a month of completion (I then get my bonus and would use it to pay her back). She deflected and essentially seemed to say no. She also always pushes back and asks why we aren't asking my parents.

My parents live in poverty, I was pupil premium, they are disabled and haven't worked since I was 11 and I was a 'young carer'. They don't have a pension and I am not sure if they have enough NIC to qualify for the state pension. I will probably look after them. His mum refuses to believe this as we appear well off (I speak well...).

I'm just getting angry at it and the snide comments she makes about my parents "they're not really that disabled though are they" "they have loads of money why don't they want to help" etc. when DP was raised so privileged. He always sticks up for me.

In this situation what would you do? How would you approach things?

(And, btw, my parents would also discuss their financial situation in this level of detail with me and my partner.)

Hi OP

Its shit to promise you something and not deliver. But I guess with the wedding there would be a lot of strings eg people they wanted to invite, a say in decisions about venue etc - would you have been comfortable with this?

I dont think there is anything you can do though. You need to stay out of it. It's your husband they are letting down, not you. Its him that is being treated differently to his sibling. If I was him I would sit down with them and say something, not about the money as such but about how he feels they treat him differently to his sister and the effect this has on him.

But in future I'd always treat any money they give you as a bonus not an expectation even if they've promised it.

It sounds as though your husband does stick up for you when they talk about your parents so other than reiterating that they are disabled and its unkind to judge them on their lack of money I'm not sure there is much that can be done here either

It’s obvious that they favour their daughter over their son. That’s unreasonable, but you (well, your boyfriend) needs to make his peace with that and both of you need to stop expecting money for nothing from them.

Don’t book a wedding you can’t afford.

Don’t mess up your house buying research and not realise there’s SDLT to pay (that’s pretty basic in any property buying guide!).

OP you're getting the knee-jerk hammering, inevitable.

1. It is usual for parents to give their DC some £ when buying a house. 85 per cent of buyers get family money.

1. Favouritism is not unheard of on this planet.

1. You're not entitled to PIL money but you are entitled to be treated fairly. BUT - you already know this - PIL aren't going to behave fairly or kindly.

Mate, give up. They're not going to cough up. Bitterness hurts you, not them. Try and get a loan from the bank for the stamp duty.

Don't involve them in any of your personal affairs from now on. Nada. Stay polite and deflect anything interesting about your lives. Withhold all information, family news, nice invitations, etc - keep the relationship light, bright and superficial.

Heave a sigh of relief you don't owe them anything. Make sure you are doing something else for Xmas.

In some ways being self sufficient despite the struggle pays off in the end - you get your independence and you can do things your way

Somehow I doubt OP/OH will see it that way, but FWIW I totally agree ... there's a lot to be said for being in a position where you can't be "bought"

When I say make his peace - that doesn’t have to mean grin and bear it. He can always reduce contact with them. Or call them on it.

SIL/BIL were given their house deposit by his side
I wonder whether the PIL felt obliged to give SIL/BIL the money so that SIL wasn't at a disadvantage in the relationship. If they split up, there would have been equal input.

That would also explain their mention of your parents.

It'll feel sooooo much better if you just save up and pay for stuff yourself OP. Show them you don't need them. Some families are like this. Ex's (very well off) side never offered to pay anything towards a mortgage deposit for us & our two small boys and watched us buckle under renting costs, get into a load of debt and it was one of the reasons we split up. Even when EX's Grandad died I think Ex got about £200 when we were told he'd left around 80k shared between ex's dad, brother and sister.

My friends mum gave my friend the full cost of it the house she inherited from HER mum, meaning they could buy a house outright. Much MUCH facebook bragging ensured.

I'm a single parent now, getting a good career and will save up myself even if it takes me until my boys have grown up and left home.

85 per cent of buyers get family money

Based on what?

How was your DH the 'child who kept their marriage together' exactly?

Yanbu to feel resentful
Yabu to not see pil for how they present to you.
Distance yourself and live your life knowing that you owe them nothing. Not money, not obligation,
No caring duties, nothing.

@FriedasCarLoad

It hurts when parents play favourites.

But they’re not your parents. I can understand why your DH is hurt but not you.

My PIL will likely leave their house (mortgage free) to their youngest child (now married) and SIL got a lot of valuable jewellery from MIL.

I genuinely don’t care because they’re not my parents! I do expect my mum to treat me and my siblings equally but again, DH has no interest in this.

It sounds like you both think you're entitled to her money...you're not.

If DH was involved during DFs marital affair it can be that his DPs now resent the idea of his involvement. Or see him as a reminder of a difficult time so I doubt there is any gratitude, possibly the opposite.
No matter how wealthy people are they can be grabby.
It seems DD is their golden child. You probably should distance yourselves, or DH should, and see if that results in a better relationship over time.
Golden child preference can stem from one of the DP's own childhoods so isn't easily changed ime.

In this situation what would you do?

Only what I could comfortably afford to do, off my own bat.
Yes, it's shit to be treated unfairly, but better to have pride in your own independence than to be hanging off broken promises.

PiL's may be loaded, but that's their money, their business, & not up to you how they spend it. Nasty that they are bullshitting about "do the same for you" etc, but people behave poorly around money.

I would spend as little as possible on the wedding, even elope to save cost, & plough as much into house deposit as possible. I can well imagine how it sticks in the craw to see SiL so favoured, but the best thing you can do for yourselves is recognise that as a fact, accept it, & take pride & comfort in fending for yourselves.

Also, stop hinting for contributions to the wedding. As none are forthcoming, all you are doing is embarrassing yourselves. Unfair as it is, that is the way of it, & until you wrap your heads round the fact that you are going to get no help from PiLs, the unfairness is going to fester & limit you.

btw, most of us manage with zero financial support from parents. Cut your cloth accordingly, only spend what you can comfortably afford on house & marriage, & get yourselves out from any impressions of forthcoming largesse - no crumbs are going to be falling from PiL's table, & the sooner you shake yourselves free of the resentment if that, the happier you will be.

@whoopsffs don't ever dream of buying your new house anywhere near these people. If you do, you will endure many years of their shit behaviour and favouritism towards SIL. Don't do it to yourself or your DP. Also remember leopards don't change their spots and you future ILs won't change theirs. Their behaviour may alter to manipulate you but don't be fooled.

This is one of the rare occasions where I'd love to hear the PIL's side in this.

For all we know the OP and her DP could be absolutely irresponsible with money.

That's been evidenced here by the fact they're 10 thousand pounds short when buying a house. Hardly an 'Oopsie!' is it?

What with that sort of over entitlement and the way the OP talks about them, no wonder they favour their daughter

That depends on what the arrangement is within the family. I've offered to help my kids at key points if they needed it. For any of them to use "need" in that situation wouldn't be presumptious because its already an agreed facility.

OP: what is it that bugs you, the money or the 'golden child' thing? The reality is you can't force them to treat their children with equivalence. If they made promises which they no longer wish to fulfill same applies.

Just plan your lives on the assumption that DP will need to manage without the financial support his sibling receives and plan your family lives around the lack of interest in your family.

However I'd be thinking hard how much I wanted my children around someone who really expresses this attitude about other family members:

snide comments she makes about my parents "they're not really that disabled though are they"

It is unfair when siblings are treated differently but the reality is they can spend their money on what they like.
As pp have said accepting their money could leave you open to manipulation by them so if you think this is something your PILS are capable of then I'd think twice about whether you actually want their money.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable to want your DP to be treated fairly by his parents.

Everyone keeps spouting about equality these days, so if they paid for their daughters wedding, they should pay for their sons.

Your parents finances are none of their concern, you need to find a way of just shutting her down on that one.

My parents helped me to buy my first house, I had the deposit and mortgage, but couldn't afford the repairs. My parents also helped me to keep my second house after divorce when I couldn't borrow enough mortgage. They aren't extremely wealthy, but just bent over backwards so that me and DC didn't lose our home on top of everything else.

But often MIL's favour other DC, especially the daughters, we had it in XH's family. I used to find it hard to see how much it hurt DP.

But you need to let go of it yourself, they are not your parents, so it is DP's problem and he needs to deal with it. You need to prepare yourself that your DC will not be the favoured ones.

You're getting a bit of a hard time here OP and I think it's a bit unjustified.

Your DPs parents said they would give him the same as his DSis but it's clear they didn't mean it. True there's more of a tradition of brides family paying for the wedding, but then why promise equity if you don't mean it, particularly if it seems like they can afford it.

Unfortunately it's down to your DP what he wants to do with the situation, but if I were him I wouldn't be able to just leave it. I don't see that it's grabby or entitled to have a conversation that goes along the lines of asking what they meant when they said they would do the same for him.

@Monsterinmyshoe it was a pretty good post though!

Yes, coming from the other side, if I thought my (future) dil was agitating for my money... well... .

I think, OP, you are living a kind of Great Expectations life, basing everything on what someone should be giving you. It would be nice, but they don't have to. And probably being asked all the time is making them view you both as grabby and greedy.

Just reading back, you write your OP like SIL has had lots more money from her parents than you have, but it’s not actually true.

• the house - they didn’t actually give them anything, were just prepared to if they needed it, which they didn’t. Perhaps they’d give you money if you NEEDED it, instead of wanted it because you didn’t budget properly?

• wedding, yes they had a substantial contribution (though ridiculously some people think they should follow a tradition of paying for a daughter not a son)

• maternity clothes. You’re not even pregnant, and you’re not her daughter

• small value items for house - you don’t have a house yet, you just THINK they won’t

And you haven’t commented at all on relative incomes. You can pay back a £10K loan a month later with your bonus... I can see why they don’t see why they should be giving you any money!

My parents pay my brother’s rent for him, and house my other brother. Both have significant health issues that impact that their earnings. As it happens, one of those brothers is very much favoured over me. But the financial disparity is as much because of our earnings. What is your SIL’s household earnings compared you yours?

People should be fair to toddlers. There are to many variances with adults.

I wouldn't throw good money after bad even with my children.

I'd need to know how they managed to screw up to the tune of £10K