To be considering reporting this ridiculous woman for harassment?

[Fbdj]

This is all a bit of a tawdry tale but...

Earlier this year my partner started seeing another woman (N) behind my back. It was in essence an affair although he says (and she admits) that he told her it was only ever about casual sex. They met on a casual sex type hook up site.

Anyway, it all came out because N got hold of my social media details, and messaged me, then spent hours giving me a highly embellished version of the truth.

Partner and I split up. Her hope, as I understand it, was they would get together as a proper couple, start going on actual dates rather than just meeting for sex. That didn't happen and as I understand it they saw each other no more frequently than when he and I were together.

A few months ago he contacted me, and we started talking, just as friends. This kicked her off and she messaged me again with a load of vitriol. From that point contact between them reduced further.

More recently, after a lot of talking, I felt maybe we could try again, very slowly, just dating, no sex etc. But I said that he would have to cut N off completely (by this point he was only seeing her intermittently, purely for sex. She was also shagging a number of other men and had been throughout. She told me she hoped it would make him jealous and he would ask her to stop. He didn't).

Anyway, him telling her that he wouldn't speak to her again has set her off like a rocket. She sent me 4 messages yesterday on SM (before I blocked her). Before blocking I did message her back and clearly tell her not to contact me again.

Today she has sent 2 more messages from accounts she has created purely to message me, content is her generally being spiteful and vindictive. I will block her again but am I within my rights to report her for harassment if (as seems inevitable) she contacts me again from a new account tomorrow?

Bear in mind I am not even with my Ex at this point, we are still talking and I m deciding if I can trust him.

Seriously???

Anyway, change your social media settings so she can't contact you in a new account.

Then cut the pair of them and all the drama out of your life.

No one is saying it’s ok for her to contact you, but you have absolutely no idea what lines he has fed her over the last year and what she believes the nature of their relationship is. He’s done a number on the both of you and your anger is completely misdirected.

I agree - she is behaving appallingly and you are not unreasonable to deal with that via the legal system if you feel it is appropriate. Whatever the situation with your ex, it's not carte blanche for her to harass you and she needs to understand that her actions have consequences.

I appreciate that you aren't here for relationship advice, and obviously nobody can tell you what to do, but this really stood out for me:

A few months ago he contacted me, and we started talking, just as friends. This kicked her off and she messaged me again with a load of vitriol. From that point contact between them reduced further.

Even assuming you were just regular friends and there was no backstory between them, the fact that someone who professes to care about you only 'reduced contact' with someone who was sending you abusive messages is a really low bar to set for behaviour of someone you are in any kind of relationship with. You then had to point out to him that he should probably stop sleeping with her when you were considering getting back with him. It wasn't something he did to show you that he values your relationship or that he understands why you might not want to even casually date someone in his position - he should have been doing whatever he could to reassure you, but you had to ask him to stop sleeping with her.

I really feel for you - it must be awful to be in this situation, but please value yourself more than this. I wouldn't treat you this way, and I have never met you. He's supposed to be someone you trust and love and who does the same back. I can't see how you could ever feel sure of him.

I'm not aware of a way I can block all messages on Facebook and Instagram. Both my accounts are private now but I think messages can still be sent to me?

I've already blocked her number on my phone and I've set her email address to spam. But she could set up another email or use another phone.

I'm hoping the threat of police will stop her but if there's anything else I can do to block her then I will.

Wow, two women fighting over one man - his dream's come true! I'm sure he's enjoying it immensely

I don't know about Instagram

But FB, you just go into settings and under 'who can message me', click 'friends only'.

Don't not bring this man back into your life, work on your self esteem instead for goodness sake. More of the same will follow on repeat until you find the courage to demand more from the men in your life. You could have an STD or god forbid something even worse.

What kind of man uses women in this way. He has no respect all for anyone. Inc the woman he has been seeing 'casually'

OP, I'm certainly not defending OW, far from it. Ive had similar from OW in my case. You're doing all the right things and now you have threatened police, if she contacts you again, you must report it. Just make sure you don't repond any further and keep screenshots of everything. Hopefully that'll see the back of her. You absolutely don't deserve it at all, it's outrageous. However, again, please keep ex an ex, you deserve so much better than that cheating POS.

I'll add to the voices saying that this "other woman"'s behaviour is not acceptable. Nothing excuses harassment.

However, I'll also add to the chorus of people telling you (whether you're back together or not) that this man is not worth the fight. I understand that he's the father of your children, but seriously? Do you have daughters or sons? You're potentially showing your children that it's ok to put up with being treated like your partner did to you, or worse still, that it's ok to BE like him...

Sorry, but he sounds disgusting. I can't imagine getting back with him... Every time you think about how scummy and insane she is, remind yourself that he is the one who dragged her into your life. Honestly, I'd expect more of the same, if you take him back.

your rush to take her side and sympathise with her, you are missing the fact she is repeatedly contacting me, ignoring the fact I've said I don't want to hear from her, insulting me and being spiteful and unpleasant

No-one is "taking her side", by pointing out your DP is not to be trusted people are trying to help you. You are deflecting away from him and his behaviour.

I within my rights to report her for harassment

Not until you have sent her a final, clear text or msg telling her that you do not know her socially, will never know her, that her contact is unwelcome & must cease immediately.

If she then contacts again, you will be able to contact police for advice about restraining order or similar.

While you are taking care of that, block your ex. He's a seedy fucker, & as soon as you are shot of him, N will lose interest in you anyway. Job done.

I'm so sick of reading about women with no self respect. She has none obviously and harassing you is totally out of order.

But you don't have any self respect either. This man, who you have children with, repeatedly cheated on you by having sex with another woman (who was also sleeping with other men). That means everytime he got into bed with you, he was opening you up to all sorts of diseases. He fucked someone else over and over. He got caught and what did he do? Oh yeah... carried on having sex with her!! You 3 start talking again and what does he do? He carries on having sex with her. You discuss getting back together and guess what.... whilst that discussion is happening, he is still having sex with her!!

You're either desperate or stupid.

Is he the father of your children? If so it sounds as though he stopped contact for a while. Does that mean he dropped the children too? I know it's difficult when it's you in the middle of the situation but is it really worth it? All the mess is of his making. Does he even acknowledge this?

Definitely meets the legal definition of harassment, possibly stalking. Depends who is getting the majority of the contact and if she is using you to get to him.

Keep a log of all the incidents, screen grab all the messages, do not EVER reply (even 'please do not contact me' as you've already said that). Get him to do the same. He must also go total no contact, even one message just fuels the fire, even if it's 'please do not contact me' - she may well do anything to get a reaction and as soon as she gets one it's a re-incentive to keep going). It is common for people who get fixated to start threatening - either to harm you or to harm herself - but it is important he/you does not respond. If you are genuinely concerned for her safety then contact 101. You can also report the harassment via 101. They may go and have a chat with her which could scare her into stopping.

If you have any concerns for your physical safety or she threatens you with violence then do contact 101 right away.

Whether I can trust him is a decision I need to make. No. You can't. Think about how he descirbed his affair with her - she was just something he used for sex. Gross... and who is to say that next time you don't 'offer up enough' of it he won't go elsewhere again?

In the meantime there is no way I deserve all this shit from her. This is not the behaviour of a rational person. Nope. But she is part of the baggage he now comes with. Do you want to be dealing with that?

Your eyes were opened... don't close them to him again! Don't do that to yourself!

We're not together. However neither are they. She freely admits he always told her it was just sex. And she was continuing to shag other (married) blokes too, so she's certainly not some poor innocent who's been taken advantage of.

Fucksake stop competing with N, or measuring your life against hers.
Ex has you both performing the "pick me" dance & you are falling for it.

You can do as I describe in my post just above, or you can likely remove 100% of this fatuous drama from your life simply by blocking each of them.

Or are you secretly still competing, wanting to 'get one over' on N by doing her for harassment & proving that you are the "real" girlfriend?

You can do better than your ex.
All it takes is walking away.
Just block them both, & start living a life with only decent people in it.

am I within my rights to report her for harassment

Not until you have sent her a final, clear text or msg telling her that you do not know her socially, will never know her, that her contact is unwelcome & must cease immediately.

The OP says:
Before blocking I did message her back and clearly tell her not to contact me again.

I have told her that if she contacts me again I will report her to the police.

I've said I don't want to hear from her

You are back with him? Shocking.

You're focus is on the wrong thing.

He brought this to your door.

He was the one who was shagging a (apparently unstable) random behind your back in a supposedly monogamous relationship.

You shouldn't be "talking" with him. You shouldn't be trying to be friends with him, you shouldn't be considering getting back together with him. He's not trustworthy, not respectful, not decent, not honest, has low integrity and should be firmly in your history.

I know I'm speaking harshly here but I'm trying to stop you from wasting more of your time in him; wise up. Block her, report her for harassment if she ei t leave you alone but above all stop entertaining him in any way. Just gtf clear of him and move on.

*your focus

Oh and btw you'd be more ridiculous than her if you took him back.

She's told me about the hundreds of men she's slept with and that she didn't care if they were married. She's desperate for a boyfriend but doesn't get that shagging sites and married men aren't offering this.

And he stuck his dick in her, repeatedly.

She doesn't matter - she wasn't in a relationship with you.

(Other than that what she's said makes it even more important that you get STI screened, if you haven't already).

He fucking caused this OP! She has been sending you messages that at worst unnerve you and at best inconvenience you, has he taken any responsibility for this? Apologised, shown remorse, told you he would go and lodge a complaint with you?

He's caused all this shit, he's hurt two women, one of which is presumably the mother of his children and he didn't stop his hurtful actions until you asked him to. So he wasn't really bothered when you ended it was he? He is repugnant. He's the star of his own show and you are all supporting actors.

I know it's not the question you asked but I don't think one person has said that responding to his contact was a good idea.

Whether I can trust him is a decision I need to make.

??!!

He's already shown you that you can't.

Actions are the only truth.

Why? I mean, just why??? Would you even consider even talking to the gobshite again? Have no more to do with him, apart from the contact you need for your children, and you probably won't hear from her again.