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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be considering reporting this ridiculous woman for harassment?

290 replies

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 11:39

This is all a bit of a tawdry tale but...

Earlier this year my partner started seeing another woman (N) behind my back. It was in essence an affair although he says (and she admits) that he told her it was only ever about casual sex. They met on a casual sex type hook up site.

Anyway, it all came out because N got hold of my social media details, and messaged me, then spent hours giving me a highly embellished version of the truth.

Partner and I split up. Her hope, as I understand it, was they would get together as a proper couple, start going on actual dates rather than just meeting for sex. That didn't happen and as I understand it they saw each other no more frequently than when he and I were together.

A few months ago he contacted me, and we started talking, just as friends. This kicked her off and she messaged me again with a load of vitriol. From that point contact between them reduced further.

More recently, after a lot of talking, I felt maybe we could try again, very slowly, just dating, no sex etc. But I said that he would have to cut N off completely (by this point he was only seeing her intermittently, purely for sex. She was also shagging a number of other men and had been throughout. She told me she hoped it would make him jealous and he would ask her to stop. He didn't).

Anyway, him telling her that he wouldn't speak to her again has set her off like a rocket. She sent me 4 messages yesterday on SM (before I blocked her). Before blocking I did message her back and clearly tell her not to contact me again.

Today she has sent 2 more messages from accounts she has created purely to message me, content is her generally being spiteful and vindictive. I will block her again but am I within my rights to report her for harassment if (as seems inevitable) she contacts me again from a new account tomorrow?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 11/11/2019 13:15

Well he's a nasty piece of work to go back to her once he knew she had been harassing you and lashing out. Does his need to get his leg over take priority over everything else?

And you know it's very likely that if your reunion doesn't work out he'll be back to her like a shot. She knows it too. So does he. I wouldn't want to be stuck in that holding pattern. You can do better for yourself.

Villanellebelle · 11/11/2019 13:18

Wow what a prize he is Hmm

blubelle7 · 11/11/2019 13:20

OP most people don't react that way over just a FWB. It honestly seems as though their relationship is a lot more than they are both letting on.

acatcalledjohn · 11/11/2019 13:23

More recently, after a lot of talking, I felt maybe we could try again, very slowly, just dating, no sex etc. But I said that he would have to cut N off completely (by this point he was only seeing her intermittently, purely for sex. She was also shagging a number of other men and had been throughout. She told me she hoped it would make him jealous and he would ask her to stop. He didn't).

You need to up your standards and go for STI testing (if you haven't already).

ptumbi · 11/11/2019 13:24

Ditch the 'EX' and the OW problem will go away.

In fact, more than one problem will go away.

OxfordCat · 11/11/2019 13:26

Sorry but you need to get your self respect back. You are treating yourself like a complete mug if you even entertain this guy in any way. Why would you have such low standards? You are inviting both of them to treat you like shit because your actions are screaming that that is what you think you deserve.

Ditch them both and leave them to their sorry sex life. You are well rid!

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 13:28

She's told me about the hundreds of men she's slept with and that she didn't care if they were married. She's desperate for a boyfriend but doesn't get that shagging sites and married men aren't offering this.

She has contacted me on Facebook messenger and Instagram. I have blocked her but she has created new accounts. She's also now emailed me (I have an unusual name, I expect she guessed my email address).

I have told her that if she contacts me again I will report her to the police.

Bear in mind I am not even with my Ex at this point, we are still talking and I m deciding if I can trust him. The abuse she is sending me is completely unjustified. I have done nothing wrong in all this!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/11/2019 13:29

“ we are still talking and I m deciding if I can trust him.”
I can save you the time. You can’t.

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 13:30

Whether I can trust him is a decision I need to make.

In the meantime there is no way I deserve all this shit from her. This is not the behaviour of a rational person.

OP posts:
HopefullyAnonymous · 11/11/2019 13:37

This is not the behaviour of a rational person

OP, neither is yours.

Gazelda · 11/11/2019 13:38

She is irrelevant.

Would you really consider starting a relationship with someone you know would happily cheat on their partner via a casual sex hook up site. Someone who's last relationship only ended because the OW contacted the partner.

Yes? You need to work on your self esteem.

No? Then why are you considering getting back with your ex?

candycane222 · 11/11/2019 13:38

But, brutally, neither is yours. He's lied to you and wasn't bothered. Why on earth would he not lie again, every time it suits him? He could well be lying now!

spanglydangly · 11/11/2019 13:39

In the meantime there is no way I deserve all this shit from her. This is not the behaviour of a rational person.

Neither is it the behaviour of a rational married man to join a hook up site for casual sex.

Both of these people are irrational, some of what she's saying might be true, who knows? You can't believe what your vile DH says, he's clearly an awful person and a liar.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 11/11/2019 13:40

Whether I can trust him is a decision I need to make.

You can't.

HTH.

HopefullyAnonymous · 11/11/2019 13:41

OP, what would you advise your best friend/sister to do if they were in the same situation?

Do you have children? Do any of you work?

Funnyface1 · 11/11/2019 13:41

You are a fool. I'm not usually so blunt but I feel like you really need that to sink in.

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 13:43

In your rush to take her side and sympathise with her, you are missing the fact she is repeatedly contacting me, ignoring the fact I've said I don't want to hear from her, insulting me and being spiteful and unpleasant.

All because I am NOT in a relationship with someone that she wasn't in a relationship with either.

Your responses imply that by simply speaking to my Ex I deserve that. On what planet can that be right?

OP posts:
HighlyUnlikely · 11/11/2019 13:43

Oh, PLEASE walk away from this utter fuckwit. Do you really want to look back in 5, 10, 20 years time having wasted your life wondering if he’s doing this again? Really? Because although I’ve no idea who you are, I can guarantee this won’t be the last time he does this. He’s treated you appallingly, have some bloody respect for yourself. She’s not your problem, you can just ignore messages... just like you’re ignoring the overwhelming advice here.

mynameisigglepiggle · 11/11/2019 13:44

You don't deserve that but replying to her will simply fuel her fire.
Just keep deleting the messages and blocking the accounts. She wants some form of reaction from you. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 13:45

I would tell a friend to tell her to fuck off, and go to the police if she kept on.

We do have children yes, she doesn't. She is in her 30s, works part time and lives with her parents.

OP posts:
BareKneesDeCourcy · 11/11/2019 13:45

Oh dear, what a mess.

The other woman does sound bonkers, but you’re expressing your anger in the wrong direction.

The fact that you are still in contact with your horrible ex shows you to be rather desperate and somewhat deluded.

Please block him, get yer fanny checked and maybe get some counselling as well.

BertrandRussell · 11/11/2019 13:46

I’m not taking her side or thinking you deserve anything’s she’s said or done. But you don’t deserve to be treated the way he’s treating you either. And that’s the important bit. So dump. Now. And find somebody nice.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 11/11/2019 13:46

Rational left the building long ago.

You have considered the possibility that this prize specimen of a man is stirring things up with this woman so he can continue his tawdry two-women-fighting-over-him fantasy, haven’t you? I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out that he’s behind her messages to you- he’s probably told her that she needs to warn you off him and he just can’t get rid of you.

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 13:49

I'm not with him. We're not together. Possibly we never will be.

If we were 'back together' that still wouldn't justify her actions but the fact we're not makes her behaviour ridiculous.

OP posts:
Fbdj · 11/11/2019 13:51

I think if he were behind the messages he'd make sure the spelling and grammar were a little better...(we are both complete grammar pedants)

OP posts: