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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be considering reporting this ridiculous woman for harassment?

290 replies

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 11:39

This is all a bit of a tawdry tale but...

Earlier this year my partner started seeing another woman (N) behind my back. It was in essence an affair although he says (and she admits) that he told her it was only ever about casual sex. They met on a casual sex type hook up site.

Anyway, it all came out because N got hold of my social media details, and messaged me, then spent hours giving me a highly embellished version of the truth.

Partner and I split up. Her hope, as I understand it, was they would get together as a proper couple, start going on actual dates rather than just meeting for sex. That didn't happen and as I understand it they saw each other no more frequently than when he and I were together.

A few months ago he contacted me, and we started talking, just as friends. This kicked her off and she messaged me again with a load of vitriol. From that point contact between them reduced further.

More recently, after a lot of talking, I felt maybe we could try again, very slowly, just dating, no sex etc. But I said that he would have to cut N off completely (by this point he was only seeing her intermittently, purely for sex. She was also shagging a number of other men and had been throughout. She told me she hoped it would make him jealous and he would ask her to stop. He didn't).

Anyway, him telling her that he wouldn't speak to her again has set her off like a rocket. She sent me 4 messages yesterday on SM (before I blocked her). Before blocking I did message her back and clearly tell her not to contact me again.

Today she has sent 2 more messages from accounts she has created purely to message me, content is her generally being spiteful and vindictive. I will block her again but am I within my rights to report her for harassment if (as seems inevitable) she contacts me again from a new account tomorrow?

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 14:29

we are both complete grammar pedants

Pity he's not as particular about other things, like honesty, integrity, fidelity, sexual health etc.

Why is she labelled as ridiculous, is he not ridiculous too?

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 14:31

He has apologised. Not just for everything that has already happened but for bringing someone unstable essentially to our door. He has also blocked her on all routes which is why I think she is now hounding me. Yesterday it was him. He is quite happy to support me in any complaint I make to police etc.

I am hoping she doesn't turn up to work. As she can easily find my workplace (again the curse of a unique name and being a member of a professional body) I am hoping she doesn't turn up here next. Or at my house. I'm hoping she has now backed off...nothing for the last hour. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 14:35

Why? I mean, just why???

Because he's an unfortunate victim of this desperate floozy, who's done the same with so many other women's husbands and partners

... None of whom were on dating/hook up/casual sex sites trawling for sex with people other than their partners, none of whom arranged and hid the meetings for the sex, none of whom gave this women stories of why they were forced to go looking for sex on the side (anyone want to play infidelity bingo on what those may have been, they're beyond predictable), and all of whom fell accidentally into her vagina and mouth, repeatedly .. and then went home to their partners and families.

Poor things, what a predatory bitch.

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 14:36

Don't be under any illusion that I think his behaviour is acceptable or forgiveable. Going off and fucking a random as a one off bit of tititlation or drunken ONS is one thing, but this goes way beyond that. Getting embroiled in this shit is not really a part of my/ our normal fairly middle class lives and certainly wasn't part of my 2019 plan. I have used many expletives to describe his behaviour which has been awful.
However he's not the one sending me abusive messages.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 14:37

He has apologised.

How good of him.

Do you have children with this 'man' op?

It sounds like you need to minimise all contact with him other than necessity for their contact, otherwise he's going to play you like a fiddle and you'll be back together, the long suffering and forgiving partner; til next time.

Alloftheboys · 11/11/2019 14:37

Some people need a hobby Hmm

BertrandRussell · 11/11/2019 14:38

Dump him and the messages will stop. Two for the price of one.

Ryah76 · 11/11/2019 14:39

OP. Do you fear for your safety and the safety of your children? If so then yes, without hesitation, report her. Regardless of whatever transpired between your hubs and this woman, I think you’re right to be concerned as she is not acting rationally. It sounds like she has developed strong feelings for him, she is likely to see you as the obstacle preventing them being together. Be careful

AFairlyHardAvocado · 11/11/2019 14:40

You came on here to ask if this could be reported as harassment and the answer is it can. And if you feel scared or threatened then I think you should report it.

Aside from the question of whether or not it's harassment, it is so hard for people to answer that without adding their thoughts about the relationship because it's painful to hear other people being manipulated and taken advantage of. Both you and her.

I would find it hard to get back with someone who cheated on me (it's never worked for me in the past) but I wouldn't even contemplate getting back with someone who spoke about someone they were regularly shagging in the way you say he does.

He says she was shagging loads of men, she is mad, she wants a relationship but he was still happy to fuck her and keep fucking her behind your back?

So she's good enough for him fuck as and when he wants to, but not good enough for him to speak about her with anything other than vitriol.

If he kept shagging her, even after he lost you over it, then she really can't be that bad or he really was that desperate for a shag. He sounds rank.

He is quite happy to support me in any complaint I make to police etc.

What a good egg.

Verylucky2 · 11/11/2019 14:42

I really hope you've had an STI check because you could've caught anything from them.

JemSynergy · 11/11/2019 14:42

You know an awful lot about her and yet she is stalking you? No way would I take back someone who treats women like this. Not worth the stress and not worth the health implications.

cheesydoesit · 11/11/2019 14:42

Are your children his and did he stop contact with them until recently?

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 14:43

However he's not the one sending me abusive messages.

Why would he be; he wants to get back to his comfortable life.

But it's still his doing. She wouldn't know you existed if he hadn't gone looking for her and shagged her repeatedly.

Going off and fucking a random as a one off bit of tititlation or drunken ONS is one thing

Don't know if it's the case, but that makes it sound like you might forgive the above, which is sad/depressing.

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 14:45

Avocado, no he never asked who she was shagging. They were just casual so he wasn't expecting her to be exclusive. She told me there were 100s of blokes and she told him because she expected him to be jealous but she said he wasn't, which she didn't understand.

A pp asked what he was doing to support me over this - the complaint was my response. He's blocked her as well and is not willing to contact her again to tell her to leave me alone, as that may spark her off again (at the moment it's only me she is contacting).

If there are any more messages or any contact from her, I will go to police.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 11/11/2019 14:47

No op, just no...

Why the hell are you even talking to him?

He fucked her and then carried on fucking her after you broke up which should tell anyone anyone working with an ounce of grey matter everything they need to know about what type of person he is and whether he can be trusted. Come tf on now...

Is she batshit? yes, does she put it around? yes, but you seem to be missing the critical point which is that is none of this would be happening if he hadn't slept with her in the first place!

Place the blame where it belongs: the dog that brought it all to your doorstep, and run a fucking mile before you get sucked back in and end up catching something from IT.

As for batshit betty radio silence.

fruitbrewhaha · 11/11/2019 14:47

So you would be ok with a partner cheating on you for a ons or bit of titillation?

This woman sounds unhinged and yes report her if you need to. But the way you describe and minimize your partners affair is really depressing. It was "just sex", he never really even liked her, just casual etc. You should really be expecting more from a partner and the father of your children.

Grimbles · 11/11/2019 14:48

He is quite happy to support me in any complaint I make to police etc.

Yes, he would be, wouldn't he.

He gets to dismiss the woman he cheated on you with, and continued to sleep with whilst trying to crawl back into your knickers, as the guilty party.

Give your head a wobble OP.

OpportunityKnocks · 11/11/2019 14:50

Report her if it continues. Absolutely

You don't deserve this.

Your ex dp needs to unblock her, gve her what for, tell her to back off in no uncertain terms. Preferably in your presence via phone call

pelirocco123 · 11/11/2019 14:52

Who told you her account of the relationship was highly embellished ?

He seems to have convinced you that it was just sex , so means nothing . In fairness it may have meant nothing to him , but then by doing this you probably dont mean a lot more to him ....sorry but you need to build your self esteem , and listen to the other woman more and to him a lot less

Bouledeneige · 11/11/2019 14:53

I'd not in anyway excuse her behaviour - it is not you who have caused her harm and hurt - so she is completely out of order hassling or abusing you. He is to blame not you. But I think the best thing you can do now is simply block and ignore. Personally I'd not go to the police at this stage - it might escalate before it gets better. You might also find out some uncomfortable truths about what your DP said or did which might not tally with what you have been told. I would always be suspicious of any man who paints an ex or someone he has been involved with as completely psycho etc. He chose to continue to sleep with her after your relationship ended - he had a choice then not to reinforce any expectations of hers but instead he aggravated them. And heaped more hurt on you.

Your XDP chose to bring a random woman into your relationship and has poured this pain humiliation on you. I totally agree that he is not someone I'd personally want to touch again with a barge pole. He seems to lack the basics of trustworthiness, integrity, loyalty and care. And the way he uses women for sex is nasty. I cant imagine why your life would be better with him in it. I got rid of one like that - I felt dirty being associated with him.

PlasticPatty · 11/11/2019 14:54

Block them both and don't buy into the drama.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/11/2019 14:55

She told me there were 100s of blokes and she told him because she expected him to be jealous but she said he wasn't, which she didn't understand.

I don't believe she told you this, why would she even if it were true?

messolini9 · 11/11/2019 14:55

He is quite happy to support me in any complaint I make to police etc

Oh what an almighty saint of a man, what a hero!

Until he fucks the next one.

OP, really - why, why, why are you throwing your good self back at this revolting, sleazy, cheating, disrespectful twat?

Why are you focused on the OW's behaviour instead of his?

Why are you even entertaining "friendship" with a man who has treated you so appallingly?

User3421090989098 · 11/11/2019 14:56

She’s not your problem he is your problem! He’s still sleeping weigh her until you told him he had to cut her off! If he wanted to be with you and only you he would.. please have some self respect and find someone who treats you well.

TheStuffedPenguin · 11/11/2019 14:56

So you are trying again with a bloke who is still having casual sex with this woman ? Really ? Confused

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