To be considering reporting this ridiculous woman for harassment?

[Fbdj]

This is all a bit of a tawdry tale but...

Earlier this year my partner started seeing another woman (N) behind my back. It was in essence an affair although he says (and she admits) that he told her it was only ever about casual sex. They met on a casual sex type hook up site.

Anyway, it all came out because N got hold of my social media details, and messaged me, then spent hours giving me a highly embellished version of the truth.

Partner and I split up. Her hope, as I understand it, was they would get together as a proper couple, start going on actual dates rather than just meeting for sex. That didn't happen and as I understand it they saw each other no more frequently than when he and I were together.

A few months ago he contacted me, and we started talking, just as friends. This kicked her off and she messaged me again with a load of vitriol. From that point contact between them reduced further.

More recently, after a lot of talking, I felt maybe we could try again, very slowly, just dating, no sex etc. But I said that he would have to cut N off completely (by this point he was only seeing her intermittently, purely for sex. She was also shagging a number of other men and had been throughout. She told me she hoped it would make him jealous and he would ask her to stop. He didn't).

Anyway, him telling her that he wouldn't speak to her again has set her off like a rocket. She sent me 4 messages yesterday on SM (before I blocked her). Before blocking I did message her back and clearly tell her not to contact me again.

Today she has sent 2 more messages from accounts she has created purely to message me, content is her generally being spiteful and vindictive. I will block her again but am I within my rights to report her for harassment if (as seems inevitable) she contacts me again from a new account tomorrow?

CTRL you sound very like her. Do you also fuck a succession of other women's partners hoping eventually one might actually want a relationship with you and not just see you as an easy lay?

I mean you said your partner literally joined a website seeking out someone to fuck but you're acting like she was the desperado in this scenario? Also, you sound really misogynistic with your "easy lay" crap

She knew he was with me when she met him. She admitted as much. He told her from the start, and that he wanted to stay with me.

Aren't you the lucky the one........... why on Earth would you want to get back with a guy who planned all this out, this wasn't a one of drunken mistake, he joined a website looking for people other than you to fuck but you're acting like because he didn't want to leave you for any of them you should feel special or something.

CHECK that !

It does feel like being patronised, the reason is because your anger is totally misdirected and you are having very selective memory to suit your misguided anger.

You had no problem engaging with her when you had things to learn from her. You didn't complain of harrassement when she was giving you hours of the story.

You are now because you are seeing your future with him and you now want to forget she has ever existed, so her contacting you is now harrassement.

It is no more than it was then, you've just shift the posts. The same way you are repeating to yourself over and over that it was just about shaging, nothing more, ignoring the obvious fact that if that was all it was, why would she have been annoyed, wanting to make him jealous etc... when all you care is a shag, you really don't care what the person does, as long as you still get the shag, which she continued to get. The story doesn't fit, but you are choosing to see it all with blinkers because you know deep inside that if you look at it in another way, you couldn't consider getting back with him.

In the end, nothing matters. You will do the right thing in the right time when you're ready, be it forgive him, put the past behind and rebuild what got blown away, or realise that he is a manipulative liar and you'll suddenly realise that you really don't want to be with him.

He was on a hook up site actively looking for other women. This isn’t just someone who was there at the right moment. He planned this purposely.

But yes, if she continues to behave like this then I’d report her for harassment.

You silly women OP! The other woman is irrelevant, your ex brought this in to your life. You obviously are not going to listen to a shit load of mumsnet advise so why bother posting.

Op clearly the circumstances when you slept with a married guy were very different; he was decepive and you thought he was separated/free.

And yes, you didn't act in the malicious, pathetic way she has when you found out.

Certainly you have no argument for me (and I'm sure many other posters) that her behaviour has been malicious, pathetic, goady, nasty, unhinged even.

However it is not worth getting into, other than stopping her from harassing you.
.What is disturbing, frustrating etc me (and it seems many other posters) is that you are unresolved re. your ex, seem to be minimizing his behaviour/role and disregarding that he's the one who brought all this to your door.

It's so sad that, having done the right thing and chucked him, you're in friendly communication with him and are unresolved about the future re. him.

Basically the narrative that you/he have come up with and that suits him to stick with (for bleeding obvious reasons), is that this woman is a worthless slag who is crazy and desperate, and that you’re special and the lucky chosen one because he actually has an emotional attachment to you and you haven’t slept with 100 men which makes you worthy of respect and being treated like a human being.

In reality...

1. You weren’t so special that he didn’t cheat on you
2. She wasn’t such a crazy, worthless slag that he didn’t have a prolonged sexual relationship with her

Both of which should tell you that this is about his complete lack of respect for any woman, not your worth or the OW’s

1. He is a misogynist who used her as a wank sock. He knew she wanted more but he didn’t give a shit about her feelings; he just wanted to have sex. Although to be fair the way that you’ve so easily bought into his narrative indicates that you’re fairly misogynistic yourself.
2. When you split up, far from being overcome with regret and grief, he carried on shagging the same damn woman! And has remained in contact with her until fairly recently, even since re-establishing contact with you.

I bet he’s absolutely loving this. Two women fighting over him.

You are angry with the wrong person. Your ex was on a hook up site when he was with you. HE cheated not you.

She's not some sex goddess who lured him in and cast a spell on him to make him insert his penis into her over and over again. She met him and had sex with him. She owed you nothing and actually, given his propensity for deceit, cheating and lies, she was probably lied to as much as you.

Yes she's unhinged, but people are rarely unhinged without good reason.

She isn't the villain here. He is. He has treated YOU like shit. Why are you defending him? She really is irrelevant. By focusing on her, you're playing into his hands. You're forgetting and forgiving his treatment of you, and minimising it. She has found out about you from him. I bet he's fed you both a load of lies, and you're both playing into his hands. Focus on him. He's a cunt and doesn't deserve another chance.

And yes you sound insane. Like some school girl that's blaming another woman for stealing her man. it doesn't work like that. He's the one you should be angry with.

CTRL, I won't respond to your nonsense further. Try and calm down.

Don't disturb, where do you get hours from? I'll explain. She messaged and then phoned me out of the blue and told me she'd been seeing him. I was in shock. She made out at first that she was distraught, but the longer the conversation went on (presented by her as being honest and telling me everything) she started to contradict herself and it became clear she was very much an equal participant.

After the call she sent me several more messages telling me to stay strong and not him. At the same time (literally minutes apart) she messaged him saying let's keep having sex, now fbdj knows it doesn't matter. (i saw the messages). I didn't reply to her as I already realised she had her own agenda and had no desire to engage.

A while later, she contacted me again, this time being actively unpleasant. I ignored her and blocked her on my phone and whatsapp. Now she has been contacting me on social media.

yy a nice man wouldn't treat a woman like he has treated her. Or you.

Why do you think you are special? This man is a horrible man. He's showed you exactly who he is.

Whether he told her it was "just casual sex" isn't relevant to be fair, the fact is he was cheating on you, whether it was sex or emotionally charged he was still running about with someone else behind your back and then when you break up he still keeps her around. Hmmm!

It also doesn't matter how many men she was sleeping with, the issue is your fella was sleeping with a woman who was not you. It's coming across you are blaming her more than you are him.

She should not be contacting you but then again she is your partner's problem to deal with, let him sort it out, although to be honest I really don't understand how you believe you will ever be able to trust him again. Nevertheless, good luck, I hope he doesn't deceive and let you down again!

Op what does it matter what her playbook was and that she's deceitful and manipulative, two faced, whatever.

He went on casual sex sites while in (what you thought) was a monogamous relationship with you. You rightly dumped him, he should stay dumped.

Let her go on being crazy, sad, manipulative, whatever. It doesn't matter if they continue to be involved or not. She can't trust him, he has no respect for her, she has nine for herself.

And if you think he has no respect for her but he does for me because I'm not a slapper and he never intended to leave me, i was relationship material etc.

..
Well he blatently doesn't have any respect for you either. He doesn't have any for women.

OP I don't understand why you're getting so much hostility here.
To all the posters attacking OP. Shame on you! This is a forum for support.

Yes, opening up lines of communication with this loser again probably isn't the best idea in the world. If you do end up back together, what he did (and still continued to do once caught) will always be at the back of your mind. You would do well not to waste any more time on this guy.
I do agree with posters that have said just ignore the woman. She will get bored eventually and hopefully bugger off.

He can't be trusted. He seeks sex on the side while in monogamous relationships.

He could've been honest and offered an open relationship but he'd never do that because he wants to have his cake and eat it. He thinks his behaviour is ok, he allows himself that. Meanwhile you gave to be faithful, decent and committed at home.

He's a (male) slut, a cheater, a liar and he's not decent relationship material.

I'm v sorry this has happened to you but if you take him back, you're bringing more on yourself.

Bloody hell you are such an angry person!

You've slept with a married man too but you're not the "baddie" because you felt bad after...

You revealed that when you didn't have to and seem to think it backs up your thoughts on her when actually it just makes you look like a total hypocrite.

You've lashed out at everyone even those of us who have said you deserve better and shouldn't be treated this way. But you've just got more and more angry. I hope staying in touch with him (whether you get back together or not) is worth all this.

Spoiler alert - it isn't.

Also you need to get STI check if she’s been with 100s of men and he slept with you both at the same time.

Yes, definitely report to the police. It may not stop otherwise and may even escalate.

Up to you whether you wish to try again with your partner- your call.

But at least get that demented bat out of your life

You've slept with a married man too but you're not the "baddie" because you felt bad after...

Op said he lied about being separated. That is such common behaviour, I believe her.

Why did he tell her who you are? You say you have an unusual name, so finding you via google is easy. He has told her your unusual name, why would he do that? You need to lay her harrassment right at his door.

Was he living with you, is that why he didn't want to split up with you, because it would be hassle, and cost him more, to move out? It obviously wasn't because he valued you, or he wouldn't have been looking for sex on hook up sites.

Since he's supposedly stopped having sex with her, do you believe he's celibate now? Because a man who uses hook up sites, to find women to shag, is not going to abstain on the off chance you'll have him back. And I doubt she was the only one he shagged, she's just the one you found out about.

Any man who uses hook up sites, is not a decent man. They view women as sex objects, put on this earth to service their sexual and comfort needs. For that alone, you should not even contemplate being friends with him, let alone getting back with him.
However, the fact that you are, shows what a fool you are.

@Sandals19

Sorry I missed that, my bad.

However we don't know for a fact what OP's husband told this woman.

And thinking about it, I'm annoyed with myself for even making what he told her a factor in this. He was in a relationship and sought out casual sex, went through with it and repeated it again and again.

I shouldn't have made her regret or lack thereof part of the discussion because the fact is that whatever she knew, HE betrayed the OPs trust repeatedly.

What are you looking for OP? You were given advice about the harassment and given practical advice regarding your “relationship”.
If you’ve got teenagers you are 30 years old minimum - I suggest you grow up, stop hanging onto this loser of a “man” and take care of your business off this thread.

OP I think you're mad considering wasting any further time with this man.

It's hard to have much sympathy when you're so intent on pursuing this cheating waste of space who will undoubtedly do it again further down the line.

Leave the pair of them to it.

OP he's shown you who he is. He is a cheating piece of shit. She doesn't matter a bean in any of this; you are the only one you need to think about; you're focussing entirely on him and her rather than on yourself.

Let them do whatever it is they do, leave them to their tawdriness and nonsense. Cut them both out from this minute and let go of the whole thing; neither is going to change, neither will ever put your needs, wants or feelings first, neither gives a shit about you. You need more, you need better and you need to learn to tell people to get fucked.