Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering reporting this ridiculous woman for harassment?

290 replies

Fbdj · 11/11/2019 11:39

This is all a bit of a tawdry tale but...

Earlier this year my partner started seeing another woman (N) behind my back. It was in essence an affair although he says (and she admits) that he told her it was only ever about casual sex. They met on a casual sex type hook up site.

Anyway, it all came out because N got hold of my social media details, and messaged me, then spent hours giving me a highly embellished version of the truth.

Partner and I split up. Her hope, as I understand it, was they would get together as a proper couple, start going on actual dates rather than just meeting for sex. That didn't happen and as I understand it they saw each other no more frequently than when he and I were together.

A few months ago he contacted me, and we started talking, just as friends. This kicked her off and she messaged me again with a load of vitriol. From that point contact between them reduced further.

More recently, after a lot of talking, I felt maybe we could try again, very slowly, just dating, no sex etc. But I said that he would have to cut N off completely (by this point he was only seeing her intermittently, purely for sex. She was also shagging a number of other men and had been throughout. She told me she hoped it would make him jealous and he would ask her to stop. He didn't).

Anyway, him telling her that he wouldn't speak to her again has set her off like a rocket. She sent me 4 messages yesterday on SM (before I blocked her). Before blocking I did message her back and clearly tell her not to contact me again.

Today she has sent 2 more messages from accounts she has created purely to message me, content is her generally being spiteful and vindictive. I will block her again but am I within my rights to report her for harassment if (as seems inevitable) she contacts me again from a new account tomorrow?

OP posts:
diddl · 11/11/2019 14:57

Why would you consider taking him back?

I don't get it at all.

He's a cheat.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 11/11/2019 14:57

I have absolutely no time for women who willingly become the OW. It's cruel, destructive behaviour. That said, I'm actually starting to feel sorry for the OW in this case. Your OP reads as blaming her completely for everything, for having loose morals and a though you are trying to inflate your importance to this man by comparison. You are the partner, she is just the casual fuck. You mean more, she means nothing...she's deranged, you and your partner are sensible people trying to make your way back to each other, but she keeps interfering and won't let him go........

It just reads that way.

By all means report her, but I guarantee you he has been telling her that she's more than just sex. 100% he has been giving her emotional support and vibes. No man tells a woman you're just a cum receptacle and she keeps on sleeping with him. Assuming she's 'sleeping with loads of married men' has many on cue, and was clear it was 'just sex' she'd hardly be harrassing you would she. clearly he's told her more.

You're not thinking clearly here.

Pepperwand · 11/11/2019 14:58

There is more than one "ridiculous woman" in this situation.

I've had a similar situation, been contacted by a seemingly deranged other woman that my DP was cheating on me with. Granted, her actions were out of order and it sounds like this woman is acting like a nut job but you have no idea what he has said to her. In my case my DP had fed her a pack of lies about the relationship and was fuelling the fire. She's not in the right and I'm not defending her but you surely realise he could be stirring the pot? You've only got his word on what's been said to her and he's a proven liar.

Please, please gain some self respect and don't waste your time any further with this bloke. Don't teach your children that people can treat you like shit, lie and disrespect you and that you'll even consider allowing them into your life again. It's an appalling example to set, I hope you start to want better for yourself than this.

AnnaNimmity · 11/11/2019 15:00

He's your problem OP! I am speaking as the victim of a similar campaign by my ex's ex.

You're focusing on the monkey not the organ grinder. He's the problem. She's nothing.

And really? Getting back with him? He's caused all of this. He's treated her and you awfully - why would you take him back? Why would you want to be with someone who would treat anyone so awfully? . He's shown you who he is. Words are easy.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 11/11/2019 15:01

Women accept such shoddy behaviour from the men in their lives and then are surprised and hurt when they revert to their default. While this man's bad behaviour is absolutely NOT your fault OP, you are being unreasonable to think he will change for the better.

Ibiza2015 · 11/11/2019 15:03

The thing is, if men start finding women on the net for casual sex, the likelihood is that they’re going to end up exploiting a damaged and vulnerable woman because they’re the sort of women who end up on those sites and the sort of women who lack the self respect not to allow themselves to be treated like that.

Just block and don’t respond. There really is no point reporting it to the police at the moment. They are unlikely to do anything unless there are specific threats that carry over into real life. You’d make yourself look a bit of a twat expecting the police to deal with your DH’s fuck ups. I’m quite aghast you have all this animosity towards her but aren’t too fussed that the bloke who promised he’d ‘forsake all others’ and has kids to worry about has broken his word. He’s done a right number on you hasn’t he? Manipulated you into blaming her instead of him. Naive....to put it kindly.

Original poster
Fbdj · 11/11/2019 15:04

She honestly did tell me that. She thinks of herself as being very liberated because she's been with 100s of men whereas in her view I am boring and mumsy. She told me to shock me I think...she started initially by saying that he was jealous, then admitted he wasn't, however many men she went with.

Her account is embellished because some parts I know aren't true. Not because of what he told me but from my own knowledge. I also know that I'm not a crap shag with a loose fanny (she told me the reason loads of men want to have sex with her is because she hasn't had kids so no wizards sleeve. She hasn't heard of kegel exercises apparently...

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 15:05

They were just casual so he wasn't expecting her to be exclusive. She told me there were 100s of blokes and she told him because she expected him to be jealous but she said he wasn't, which she didn't understand.

Op it sounds like you're trying to minimise (with his help & guidance) what he's done by

A. Concentrating on it not being a "serious", emotionally involved affair in which he had feelings and was planning to leave you, and

B. That she's done the same with lots of other attached men and so it's somehow, again, not as bad, it's meaningless etc

Meanwhile pretty much every poster on this thread is nearly tearing their hair out in frustration (and anger on your behalf) that you're "talking" with him as friends and may be sucked back into a relationship with him.

You made the right decision when you ended it with him.

Don't let him minimise this and don't minimise it for him.

She doesn't matter - other than that he's brought extra harassment and stress to your door due to his choice of bed partner on top of betraying you.

Also the fact that he kept on seeing her (whether just for sex or not) says a lot about him.

MonnaLIza · 11/11/2019 15:05

So your exP has got kids with you and he goes on casual sex sites? I think this is the bombshell rather than some fallout from the people he has met in these sites! It's easy enough to go under the radar, contact stalking helplines and give a quick call to the police if that makes you feel better, but for the grace of God realise that he is the main problem. You deserve so so much better. Away from the drama and the lies and the contradictory stories. I wish you strength!

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 15:08

She's a skank, she's a skank, you're not a skank - gtfo of there and don't entertain him. You'll meet someone decent sooner or later when it suits you.

BertrandRussell · 11/11/2019 15:08

“ I also know that I'm not a crap shag with a loose fanny”

Gosh. Maybe you do deserve each other after all......

diddl · 11/11/2019 15:08

Who gives a fuck what she says or does?

She's not the one you are contemplating a relationship with!

cheesydoesit · 11/11/2019 15:09

Are your children his children and did he cease contact with them after you broke up?

EntropyRising · 11/11/2019 15:10

WTF are you thinking?

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 15:11

*She honestly did tell me that. She thinks of herself as being very liberated because she's been with 100s of men whereas in her view I am boring and mumsy. She told me to shock me I think...she started initially by saying that he was jealous, then admitted he wasn't, however many men she went with.

Her account is embellished because some parts I know aren't true. Not because of what he told me but from my own knowledge. I also know that I'm not a crap shag with a loose fanny (she told me the reason loads of men want to have sex with her is because she hasn't had kids so no wizards sleeve. She hasn't heard of kegel exercises apparently...*

FFS stop entertaining this Jeremy Kyle contestant.

The poor woman's clearly not firing on all cylinders - yet this is where your ex chose to get his kicks, on an ongoing basis.

Forget about her.

And him.

You need to concentrate on recovering from what must be a devastating episode and look after yourself.

Antigon · 11/11/2019 15:11

This is all very desperate. Contemplating getting back with a man who cheated on you with someone from a hook up site and someone he has been meeting with all this time. Is this all you think you’re worth?

Boysey45 · 11/11/2019 15:12

Whats the matter with you OP? why are you being such a mug for this horrible man? This is the issue her not that woman sending a few messages. Have you low self esteem or something? I'd honestly work on yourself and pay for private counselling to sort myself out if I were you.

Vanhi · 11/11/2019 15:13

So from the OP you say she was shagging a number of other men.

People told you to stop seeing him and then it became And she was continuing to shag other (married) blokes too, so she's certainly not some poor innocent who's been taken advantage of. (As an aside, you're not that much of a grammar pedant.) And it's still not going your way so you've ramped it up to "100s of men".

I mean there's the obvious - you need to get yourself tested. And why have we gone from a number of men, to married men, to 100s of men? Why the need to make her (potentially) look worse and worse, just because people were focussing more on her and less on him.

Yes, OP. You probably should phone 101 and talk to someone. You should keep track of contact with her. You should not respond to her at all and you should tighten up your SM as much as possible. And then you need to have a long, long think about your relationship. Your DP hasn't been led astray by the crazy mad nymphomaniac. He went on to hook up sites whilst he was with you. Let that sink in. He went on those sites, knowingly, deliberately. He had sex with this woman - are there others who haven't bothered to contact you?

Stop blaming her. She's deranged, yes. And if you get back together with this man, you'll encounter many more problems like this, because he is the root cause, not her.

Antigon · 11/11/2019 15:14

I also know that I'm not a crap shag with a loose fanny (she told me the reason loads of men want to have sex with her is because she hasn't had kids so no wizards sleeve. She hasn't heard of kegel exercises apparently...

What a load of shite. I’m out.

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 15:14

You know there'll be another ow, another vulnerable, deluded, insecure harpy you're ex has been shagging on the scene if you get back together with him. Sooner or later.

Sandals19 · 11/11/2019 15:15

*your ex

messolini9 · 11/11/2019 15:15

However he's not the one sending me abusive messages.

Oh yes he is.
His messages to you include:
You are not worth being faithful to
I will keep shagging a slag & dont care if that diseases you
I can dangle you on a string & make you dance to my tune no matter how I treat you
Sleazy sex is more important to me than my children
I can lie & lie & lie & you will still take me back
Your feelings are never going to be as important as my cock

Tell me again how he isn't abusing you, OP?

Ibiza2015 · 11/11/2019 15:16

You do also realise she’s probably just the tip of the iceberg and there are lots other women he’s shagged off that site too? She’s just the one you found out about because he (predictably) ended up meeting someone unstable.

Original poster
Fbdj · 11/11/2019 15:18

The horrible comment above was a quote from her, not my own words! An example of how she was trying to put me down and denigrate me.

Thankfully still all quiet.

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 11/11/2019 15:21

OP, for the fourth time are your children his and does that mean that when you say 'a few months ago he contacted me, and we started talking just as friends' that there was a period of no contact between you, him and his children?

If that is what happened then that would be more hurtful than messages from his other woman.

How do the children feel about the prospect of him coming back for you and not them ?