To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

[Pollywollydolly]

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

It is a simple matter of courtesy.

YADNBU. I am 24 and when I stay with my parents I always let them know where I am if I am out, when to expect me back, or to go to bed and not worry because I won't be back til the early hours. It's called respect, courtesy. Its not being rude.

Apart from letting people know you're not in for dinner or before their bedtime, nobody has yet answered what difference does it make safety wise in being told another person intends to be home at 2 am or 4 am. Even where they are. It's in the interest of the person out that someone knows their whereabouts and intentions, but only to track them down, not keep them sade (unless they're heading towards the wilderness).

My adult children live here periodically. We always let each other know roughly when we’ll be in. Or if in their case- I always am! I tell them when I will be home so they can destroy the evidence if necessary.........

Yanbu to expect a text to say where she is after a drunken rambling phone call, however you have no idea how long she's been in bed.

I'm pretty impressed she and her best friend were able to be so stealthy when they returned. It does beggar the question that if when you were getting irate and ringing, was she already home asleep? Why didn't you wake and ask her best friend as they were collecting her?

It’s a hard one ... but no you can’t insist and I agree with others who say you wouldn’t know where she was if she lived else where!
The reality is stuff can happen at any hour of the day or night ...if you have instilled a good amount of caution and common sense into her she will ok ... My house my rules is a bit much as it means she can’t be spontaneous and feel like an adult .... do you tell her everywhere you go and who you are with? Just remind her to be careful and talk about news stories (not to scare her) that illustrate why you worry... Ps would you do this to a 22 year old boy?

Fgs I’d have gone to bed she’s an adult
Sorry but you need to either let go a bit or chuck her out
I had my own bought house and a baby at her age and I’d have been pretty pissed off if my mum did that to me, although I would’ve let her know I was out and I’ll be home later etc

I tell my 20 year old to text if he's not coming home, so I don't worry if I find he's not there in the morning. When he protested that he's 20, my response was 'your Dad is 58 and he would let me know if he wasn't coming home'.

No at that age I would always text if I wasn’t coming home or my mum would stress. I would out of courtesy so she isn’t up all night worrying about me

It is controlling and still treating them like children.
Oh I need to know as I need to set the alarm. Why don't you trust other members of the home with the code?
I need to lock up.. Why don't they have keys to their home?
Because of dinner..This could be me because of my eating habits. Someone cooks dinner. If it cannot be reheated, food is cooked for those in the house, and those you know are on their way. Otherwise, meals are reheatable. They come home later, it's there. If not the next day or the portion in the freezer. I'm surprised at the latter one considering all the suggestions of batch cooking. Plus there's nothing stopping them from making themselves something when they come in.

Ok you get a text, be home by 4. Are you really going to stay awake until 4? Or you going to go to sleep? So what use is an update as you are blissfully snoring away?

And all this my house, my rules.
Surely it's their home as well?
It's my dc's home and they have a say in the rules. And yes I have had rules set on me, daft ones but why not? We all live together and we all do stuff that annoys the crap out of each other, a couple of rules and it limits it.

I've had the oohhhh shit moment. Really out of character. Couldn't get hold of the person and rung round anyone I had a number for. Contact mates from their fb accout etc.

That's why I think it's controlling.
If you thought your child was genuinely missing and was frantic you would be calling other people. If out of character and no-one has seen or heard a thing, you call the police, the hospitals etc.
Sounds more like the op was just pissed off because she thought her dd had defied her and stayed out longer. The constant calls, the voicemails, very similar to the ex-boyfriend. Contacts you because it suits you, not really bothered about you so they leave your mates alone.

Of course, we worry about them. But there's worrying and there's over-reacting. I would suggest perhaps op, and anyone who reacts like this, talk to the gp.

It’s not controlling- it’s courtesy.

Controlling would be waiting up, or telling them what time to be back.

Controlling would be waiting until they were back, not bothering to check, and still leaving an angry, ranting voicemail.

So I'm supposed to let my 18 year old know about my movements

Yes. Today, I have a meeting in London so I told ds when I roughly expected to be home. This morning after he had left for college my plans changed and I am going in later and coming home later, so I sent him a text to let him know. He'll probably be playing Xbox games, so probably won't even notice the time. But he has been known to wonder where I am.

“So I'm supposed to let my 18 year old know about my movements”
If you live in the same house, then yes of course. Not the details, but roughly when you’ll be back.

It’s not controlling- it’s courtesy. Controlling would be waiting up

Like the OP did?

In this case, basic courtesy is letting the other person know they aren't going home straight from work.
Demanding courtesy is controlling.

It's normal that partners tell each other their plans because they are a team. Constantly messaging during the night to say they will be home at X or Y time shouldn't be necessary.
Dinner plans are ok if you usually eat together and the person at home won't know if to wait or not.
Adults should be able to change their minds as they please without having to tell any other adult about them, just as long as it doesn't impact the other adult's life (e.g. sharing responsibility over children). Whether they live in the same house or not.

If you are used to a family member checking in and they don't I can see why that may be of concern.

But if their usual habits are often changeable/unchangeable and you have an agreement- unspoken or otherwise- that you are all OK with then that's fine.
We don't tell each other in the family of detailed movements.

We make predictions on likelyhood and habit.

And I think that's the important part.

Comparing things to how another family works isn't really helpful, each will have their own way of doing things.

All families are different.

And "agreements" with each family member may be different too.

I don't know when my OH will be home from work. It can be anywhere between 5pm and 9.30pm.

Unless we have arranged something then I really don't need to know.
He travels with work, often has last minute things he has to attend to, amy be in meetings or driving.
I know he will be home when he can.
My elderly mother may go out to meet a friend at 10am- she may be back at noon, or 5pm, I don't need to know.

My 21 yo DS may go out to meet his friends on a Saturday night at 7pm. He may be back at 11pm the same night or noon the next day.
I don't need to know- often he won't know until 3am in he morning.
That information is not useful to me.

That's how our family works- it may not suit others, but it works for us.

I'm 40. My mother is 60. If we were somewhere together and she was going out I would worry if she didn't come home when I expected her to. It's nothing to do with age. It's not being controlling. It's worrying about another person. It is normal when with someone to tell them when you will be home.

Josephinebettany but your "normal" is not everyon'e "normal".

However did our relatives cope without the constant texts messages or even a call home?
Go out and say see ya later.
Everyone knew what time dinner would be ready. If they weren't there, oh well.

Locking them out when you go to bed is a curfew. Call it what you want, it's still a curfew. Teens have these. It's also controlling what time another adult comes and goes. And withholding the alarm code wow, if that wasn't controlling what it?

Be in for X time to have dinner or else there is nothing, is controlling.

If your mate said to you -:
Have got this issue.
Every time I go out the partner wants constant updates. If I don't I'm left ranty voicemails.
Even though they are cooking themselves dinner, nothing for me if I'm not there. Regardless of what I'm doing.
When I go out with mates and I'm not in by 1. I'm locked out.
Won't even give me the alarm code.

You're really saying you would tell the mate - it's fun. Just shows how much they care for you. No harm in it. It's normal when someone worries.

Personally I would be saying run for the fucking hills and never look back.

Parents, partners, friends etc the relationship doesn't matter. Strip it all back and there are red flags. It is controlling.

I would worry if she didn't come home when I expected her to

I'm surprised you only worry if she's late. She could easily have a serious problem well before the time she's due home. Why not keep her under constant surveillance?

It’s not controlling- it’s courtesy. It's courtesy for the daughter to let her know, it's controlling for the mother to insist upon it.

The way people on this forum love to throw around the word controlling, even when it doesn't apply.

Except it does in this case, when the OP sends angry messages to her DD because she thinks she's not home yet ( left her a furious answer phone message. ). If that's not controlling, I don't know what is.

I hope the OP got suitably red faced in the morning when her DD listened to the furious message sent while she was peacefully at home.

All those who are fine with not knowing what their adult kids are doing when they are away at Uni or whatever - that proves that you will NOT die of anxiety if you don't always know what time your kids are due back and where they are.

You trust them to stay safe when they are not under your roof, but not when they are?

Any adult who demands certain behaviour from another adult, to ease their own anxiety, is being controlling and selfish.

All adults are entitled to be spontaneous, free, and also have privacy. That a parent gets anxious at not knowing the whereabouts of another adult in their house, does not make their adult child unreasonable.

The anxiety is the problem of the parent and NOT for the adult child to have to change their behaviour and pander to that anxiety. Why should their freedom be curtailed and them have to answer to some one else, simply because of irrational anxiety?

It is different when it is your partner. You are a team so keep each other posted. Another adult living with you does not owe you a report on their whereabouts or ETA unless it is ACTUALLY going to affect your life, rather than your fuel your imagination.