Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

253 replies

Pollywollydolly · 11/11/2019 02:36

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FelicisNox · 12/11/2019 20:03

Glad to hear she's safe.

I have 6 girls: my house, my rules. I'm not interested in anyone whining about being an adult. Adults have manners and a respect for others therefore I expect to know if they are back in for the night or not.

If you want to be considered an adult, act like one.

Your DD is not acting like an adult, she's acting like a spoilt teenager and she needs to grow up pronto and she can start with sorting out her drinking habits before she puts herself in danger.

namina · 12/11/2019 20:07

@FelicisNox THiS.
It doesn't matter her age she's living under your roof so she needs to abide by your rules.
Simple

kateandme · 12/11/2019 20:30

we are all more than decades over being an adult and if we are at home we will give her a round about time we will be in.
and i know for a fact she will still have a restless sleep until she knows we are back.i think its nice.you dont stop worrying about your chilren as soon as they hit 18!

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 12/11/2019 20:38

I've seen your daughter somehow managed to creep back in and I'm glad shes safe. In principle of your aibu I say yanbu. Yes, she is an adult, free to do as she pleases, but that doesn't equate to not letting people know if you will be home or not, or saying you've had a plan change if you'vesaid you'll be back at x but now it'sgoing to be y, or even tomorrow.

I'm an anxious person and my DF is so bad for this when he goes out. He doesnt go out much so I'm not bothered about him letting his hair down and going out til god knows when once in a while, but if he texts me and says he will be leaving in 10 mins and I go back to sleep and wake up 3 hours lster and he isnt there, of course I worry. It's just common courtesy. Trying to get him to understand that, however!

Ugzbugz · 12/11/2019 21:02

I went back home after a long time away from home until my late 30s and had to let my mum know I wasnt coming home, she didnt care where or what I did but felt like she slept with one eye open, I had no problems with this although I imagine in my you her years I wasnt as great but then again probably didnt have mobile phones

coreyp · 12/11/2019 21:08

no doubt she saves money while living with her mother.

indeed, this thread is bringing back vividly to me why I moved out (from parents' home) when I did. Money was useful but freedom was better.

nuxe1984 · 12/11/2019 21:08

My daughter, as long as she lived at home, always used to tell me roughly the time she'd be home or text if she was going to be late/stay overnight with a friend.

That way when I woke up in the morning and saw her empty bed, I didn't immediately panic.

It's not fair on you for your daughter to behave like this. If she doesn't come home (and you expect her to) at what point do you decide there's a problem and contact the police?

Frazzledstar1 · 12/11/2019 21:11

At that age I would still drop my mum a text to say I’d be staying at a friends/boyfriends. I know she is an adult, but i doesn’t stop parents from worrying. Just meant she could go to bed knowing I was safe and not worrying I was drunk in a ditch somewhere etc.

Jack80 · 12/11/2019 21:36

I think it would be nice if she gave a text say I'm on my way home or won't be home tonight. I would like a text its respectful

Tennesseewhiskey · 12/11/2019 21:40

@Jack80 the girl was in bed in her own house. Why would she drop her a text?

FabbyChix · 12/11/2019 21:41

I don’t get the fuss she is an adult. Just go to bed and sleep

Barney60 · 12/11/2019 21:49

your home your rules. disrespectful not telling you, I would not put up with it. a txt is all it takes, "stopping out mum, "thats it! yes shes an adult but they are ALWAYS our children and should show respect. hope shes ok.

Catsinthecupboard · 12/11/2019 22:04

We ask for approximate ETA.

I tell them that I need to know when to begin worrying.Grin

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 12/11/2019 22:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gingerkittykat · 12/11/2019 22:25

My DD does the same and it drives me crazy. She has total freedom to do what she wants but letting me know where she is, if she will be in for meals and when she gets home is basic consideration.

The ironic thing is if she can't get hold of me she goes crazy. I stayed out a lot later than planned at the weekend and I ended up getting phone calls asking where I was.

Lovely13 · 12/11/2019 22:56

Yes, of course she should tell you where she is. And, of course, you will worry. Doesn’t matter how old someone is, it’s unfair of them to do it. However, has never stopped by grown up sons doing it to me. And they only visit! Worse when they were teenagers though. Used to listen out for the night bus. 😳

Lweji · 13/11/2019 01:54

This thread definitely says more about the OP and some ott controlling parents than the OP.

It turned out that the DD was safe in bed, but the OP had managed to worry herself up to a frenzy of a sleepless night. I'd bet the DD "sneaked" in while the OP was actually asleep.

All those pps righteously condemning the DD sound ridiculous, even more because SHE WAS IN FACT AT HOME. This is what parental anxiety and control has come to. Nobody at least dared suggest a curfew to the 22 year old, but you're all delusional that having info about intended arrival times will keep your loved ones safe. It just, in fact, increases anxiety. Any call or message problem, any distraction with time, and you're all through the roof with anxiety. For absolutely nothing.

Fowles94 · 13/11/2019 02:17

She can do what she wants when she lives alone but out of respect if she's living at home she should inform you.

Mothership4two · 13/11/2019 04:05

It is not controlling to expect someone you live with to let you know if they are going to be very late. It's common sense. And you will worry about your children whatever their age, you can't switch that off. Fortunately OP's daughter was safely back in bed - but she didn't know that initially.

Replies on this thread have generally been pretty reasonable and not ott.

jobbymcginty · 13/11/2019 04:10

My goodness I was married at 21 and lived in a city since i was 18 my parents didn't have a clue where I was as I was an adult going to uni and holding down a job

DreamTheMoors · 13/11/2019 05:17

I haven’t read all the responses but here’s four words my dad gave to me:

 “MY HOUSE MY RULES”

Either she texts or calls you or she can find her own place to live. I can’t imagine making either of my parents worry like that.
What could possibly going on at 2AM anyhow?

Seahorseshoe · 13/11/2019 05:30

My 22 year old DS moved out this year. It is much easier to separate your worrying brain, when they move out. If he didn't turn up whilst he lived at home, I'd fret and worry like you are.

We are in touch most days, but what he does, where he goes - I largely don't know and that's fine.

Yanbu in that you are fearful for your DD, who you love. I'd be pissed off too.

shearwater · 13/11/2019 06:10

I really think some posters are being a bit stupid. It doesn't matter whether it's a 22 year old daughter, or 44 year old daughter, or 49 year old husband - if you are going to be late, you let the people you live with know as a common courtesy, and out of common sense. Of course you don't have to let them know if you live somewhere else!

Mothership4two · 13/11/2019 06:26

Exactly @shearwater

billy1966 · 13/11/2019 07:17

I had left home at 20, and thank god my parents hadn't a clue as to the all night hours I was keeping at times.

However, whenever I would return home for holidays, weekends, I had the courtesy to let my parents know if I would be around for dinner and if I was coming home or staying out for the night.

This wasn't difficult, it's basic courtesy.

My siblings would have been the very same.

If you don't want to have to check in with anyone or do this.

Move out on your own.

30 years ago, the girls I shared houses with knew the same.

It's really not a difficult concept to grasp.

Nothing to do with age, just courtesy.