To think my 22 year old daughter should let me know if she is not coming home?

[Pollywollydolly]

It's 2.30 am. I have work in the morning and I should be in bed. Instead I am phoning and texting my 22 year old daughter as I have no idea where she is. I should add it's not unusual for her not to tell me she's staying out, but she has recently split from her long-term boyfriend and her best friend is asleep upstairs.

Last thing I heard from her was a drunken phone conversation about four hours ago when she told me that her best friend was going to pick her up soon. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been out. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want me to.

I have a busy job and I'm going to be shattered in the morning. Every time she does this I wonder if this will be the time she doesn't turn up tomorrow. I've just broken my own rule and left her a furious answer phone message.

I've explained to her time after time that I just need to know she's safe. Am I being unreasonable?

Anyone living with you should have the courtesy to let you these things. Imagine if you told her drunk you were being picked up and then didn’t, and she was home minding young children or whatever.

However many teens and young adults do just lose sight of where they are. I’m training my teen to always tell me or he gets embarrassing phone calls from me worried! However I’m also training myself to judge the amount of worry accordingly.

YANBU. I agree she is an adult but if she is living at home with you she should let you know when to expect her home and if plans change to text you to let you know. I remember well when I was 18 and living at home I told my mum I was coming home and then ended up staying at a friend's house but in my merry state forgot to tell her. I'll never forget walking in the door the next morning to my mum in tears as she thought something terrible had happened to me. Needless to say it never happened again! Hope she's ok x

If I was laying in a ditch, of course, I would let someone know if I could. And if I couldn't it still wouldn't help me. I'm still in some unknown ditch. Yeah someone could come looking for me, or stay at home and fret. Fretting about me doesn't help when I'm in that ditch

DD2 put her car in a ditch last year and managed to escape from car and called me around 4 AM and i went to her aid immeaditly, shes still my DD:) I was very thankfull it wasnt old bill phoning or visiting!

Age has nowt to do the with it, you can be 18 and as mature as you could ever be, 44 and some have still not grown up:(

It isnt much of a requirment to TEXT!, christ sakes they spend their entire lives rattling out texts all day just one to say I'm fine, be home at such and such, i'm with whoever, I'm stuck can you help?, whatever.

Odd thing my phone packed up the other week out in the middle of nowhere when it was restored around 30 texts from DD 2 and 3 worried sick that their dad was safe and well:)

It's nice that they care:)

I did similar when I was 22. My younger sister was the one to tell me in strong words how selfish and inconsiderate I was being. She doesn't need to give details. Just let people know if she will be back or not. YANBU

I don’t get the whole their an adult so should be able to come and go as they please mentality.

By 22 I was living in a flat share and the rule was that if your not coming home to let the others know so that they don’t worry about you, (we strangely cared about each other’s wellbeing) and secondly so that the big lock could go on. It’s basic adult courtesy.

At a similar age, if I or my flatmates were not coming home or coming back very late, we would let each other know (we did live on the same street that Suzy Lamplugh disappeared). It's just a common-sense safety issue and common courtesy. Of course a parent is going to worry whatever the age of the child. I'm in my fifties, but I'd let my dh know and vice versa. My 20 yo ds is living at home at the moment and would definitely let us know. If the OP's daughter was living away, she wouldn't be aware, but she isn't, so she knows she's still out and is naturally concerned. So YANBU, and OP's daughter is being thoughtless.

I've had about a dozen young adults living with me over the years. Simple rule. Applies to everyone. If you are planning to stay out tell me in advance. If your plans change TEXT me. I don't need to know why you are not coming home and I will be asleep if its late. If you are not there in the morning and there is no message, all hell will break loose. You have been warned. Works like a charm. I sleep like a baby.

Go to bed and try her again in the morning. I’m double your daughters age with my own children and my mum still rings me on all my available numbers until she gets me if she rings and I’m not in when she thinks I should be. It drives me mad and I have had to have words! Don’t be my mother!

I don’t think YABU as a simple text costs nothing (other than the standard network charge 🤨) In my younger years I always told my mum where I was and who I was with and what time I’d be home, safety and all that. I now have to watch her fret over my brother who is 29 (still lives at home and needs to grow up) as he never tells her and never lets her know he is ok. It’s not nice and as I said a simple text 👌🏻

YNBU - My family and my roommates all had an agreement that if we were staying out all night or would be late, a message would be sent so that they knew that we were okay. There was no judgement just an agreement. This was also a deal breaker with my father as it was just courtesy and respect for them as caring individuals. If she does not want to follow this rule, she should move out. At least, that is what we were told. This rule carried over to my room mates as that is watching each others back.

yanbu, I have 20 year old dc, when shes away at uni obviously I don't know what shes doing or if shes out but because shes not at home I don't worry.
However when shes back home I need to know what time she will be home or if shes staying at a friends otherwise I will worry and lay awake imagining all sorts, it may be illogical but I can't help it!
It doesn't take much effort to send a text or make a call.
I would also worry if my DH went out and didn't tell me he wasn't coming home and I'm sure he would vice versa, so its also about living under the same roof and being considerate.

"She's 22. An adult, who has been an adult for 4 years.

In the nicest possible way, stop fretting and go to bed."

And all the other people who said more or less the same thing.

Two miles from where I live the half buried body of a young girl who was out for a night of fun was found. She was murdered when she left a nightclub.

At 22, the young woman's freedom to do what she wants is not in question but she is very much to be blamed for not letting others, especially her mother, know she is safe.

Did she turn up safe?

Yep, my 24 year old daughter lives with me and we worry about one another and would always let one another know if we were staying out all night or going to be late home for whatever reason. It's just good manners, we care deeply about one another.

I would worry about any adult living in my house if they didn't come home when they said and didn't contact me or respond to calls. I once ended up ringing the police when my then bf (now husband) didn't come home. I was convinced he'd fallen in the river drunk and drowned. He was of course asleep at a friend's.

It's only polite to let people know so they don't worry. Whether that is an adult child, partner or house mate.

I disagree with some of the comments yes she is an adult but at the same time as a mum you worry about them at any age the world is not as it was people are getting nastier and I think your dd should have at least text to let you know she is safe

Did she turn up safe?

She was in bed. In her own room.

OP hasnt updated the thread much, but has posted that.

Thata why there was no text. Because she was home, asleep.

I have a 22 year old daughter living at home. She absolutely has to text me if she’s staying out, just as I would her if I was! Manners when you share a home.

She might be 22 but if she lives at home she needs to follow the rules of your household and show some basic courtesy or move out. I would also find the situation very stressful and be worried sick she might be taken advantage of in a drunken state because she is vulnerable after a breakup.

I would say to her (if it was my daughter) if she cant show me some respect and courtesy she needs to move out because I cant deal with the constant worry. I really hope this isn't her regular behaviour and that she is ok.

I am astonished that this 22 year old woman thinks she can come and go and not do the courtesy of letting you know what she is doing out drunk and does not reassure you.

If this “adult” of 22 wants freedom then she should move out and a place of her own, but, no doubt she saves money while living with her mother.

You are not being unreasonable and if she wants to treat you so badly you should tell her to pack her bags. I would not tolerate such selfish behaviour.

@CallmeAngelina I have both adult children and teens. Over 18, they said they were going out. Made sure the door was locked and could be open from the outside. And went to bed.

But tbh, if one said best mate was giving them a lift, and best mate was in my house. Before I started panicking I would have gone and talked to best mate. Shame op didn't though. She would have seen her dd in bed sleeping.

Surely regardless of any messaging system, it's a could idea to be able to hear people walk in and out of your house? 🤷‍♂️

@Ilovemypantry
Really? To which bit? That we didn't have a phone? That I used to go out and not come home for 2 days or that I never stayed awake for my adult children coming home? They're all true.

Why are people saying YABU by saying they were living independent by that age? Most people are, I’m sure, but when it’s your child under your roof - of course you’ll worry. I moved back home when I was 21 for a month after university before getting my first grad job and during that time I ‘reported’ to my parents, since I was in their home. When I moved out again they didn’t know my movements but it’s completely different. YANBU.

I have a 22 yr old ds and had this recently, he has just come out of a long term relationship so it was out of character. My dh just kept saying “good for him” but I was worried and didn’t sleep. We have since had a chat and come to an agreement that he will text in future if staying out.

I am astonished that this 22 year old woman thinks she can come and go and not do the courtesy of letting you know what she is doing out drunk and does not reassure you.

She was in bed. She didnt tell the OP she wasnt coming home....because she was in bed.