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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

999 replies

dubmumof2 · 09/11/2019 14:09

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

OP posts:
goodwinter · 09/11/2019 14:55

What about quality sleep?

At a sleepover?!

Catapillarsruletheworld · 09/11/2019 14:55

Wow! I bet you poor kids are mortified!!

It’s one thing not allowing your own kids to have their phones on a school night if they can’t be trusted to turn them off and sleep at a reasonable time. Quite another to take the personal property of kids who you’ve only just met and keep them from them all night!

I would not be happy if one of my dds came home from a sleepover and told me this had happened.

Sorry OP, you need to relax your rules or you’re going to alienate your kids!

Original poster
dubmumof2 · 09/11/2019 14:56

I'm not sure about how valid an argument that parents need to be able to contact their kids is tbh? Those parents that know of the rule or have been in touch with me have my number and know where I live. If my DC was with them and I needed to contact them in an emergency overnight, it is not the young teenager I would be ringing in the middle of the night in someone else's house.

The parent who was happy for their DC to stay with us without knowing my name, phone number or address should have thought of that before letting their DC sleepover in my view!

OP posts:
BellatrixLestat · 09/11/2019 14:57

Way OTT!

My first reaction when reading the OP was to just turn the WiFi off as others have suggested. But keeping their phones in your bedroom overnight is just weird. Saying they have to come in your bedroom if they want to speak to their parents. If you were a man there'd be uproar from the other parents.

Drizzzle · 09/11/2019 14:57

BrokenWing couldn't your son just turn his phone off?
If a child has a problem on a sleepover they should be able to speak to the host parent. If they don't feel able to do that they aren't really mature wnough to sleep away feom home.

AhNowTed · 09/11/2019 14:58

So you're not going to listen.

Pointless.

Iamnotagoddess · 09/11/2019 14:58

We do it to dsds and when a friend came with them we took hers too - they were 12/13....

Georgenord · 09/11/2019 14:59

I think you’re out of order. If you’re that worried about some of the things you mentioned then better not to have sleepovers at all, you’re being controlling and it’s not up to you whether other people’s children have their phone on them or not. I’d be furious if this was my child and they couldn’t contact me if they wanted to, why should they have to ask your permission?

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 09/11/2019 14:59

Get the feeling you wouldn't think any argument against what you think is right is valid. Hmm

UsernamechangedbyMNHQ · 09/11/2019 14:59

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WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 09/11/2019 15:00

the first teen who argued with me at 12:30 would have been told "that's absolutely fine. Phone your mother now and tell her to collect you immediately. You are not staying the night here

I'd have been only too happy to remove my child from this household and the over stepping and controlling adult who was withholding their property from them.

goodwinter · 09/11/2019 15:00

Really interested in the number of you that consider my behaviour here embarrassing to my DCs??? My kids are definitely being brought up to believe that a strict rule borne out of love and concern for safety is not embarrassing parent behaviour!*

Well because it's not just affecting your children, you're confiscating their friends' property!

I wouldn't allow my teen to go to a sleepover where phones are allowed.! Why do your children need phones in the middle of the night?

The same reason we had DVDs and Playstation games when I was at sleepovers, I imagine - entertainment. Lots of PP saying "kids have no reason to be texting after midnight!" are missing the point that phones aren't just texting and calling devices anymore.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/11/2019 15:00

You're happy to be so.majorly controlling over confiscating phones based on a whole lot of what ifs op, and yet you had a child staying in your home who you don't know, whose parents you don't know and whom you hadn't spoken to before the sleepover (what if the parents didn't know where the child was or if there had been an emergency overnight- how would you have alerted the parents?) and yet none of this appears to have concerned you, you only seem worried about the potential for the kids to escape overnight for an illicit meet up.

Seriously, if you are so concerned about the behaviour of these children why are they even at your house anyway?

amiapropermum · 09/11/2019 15:01

Not really sure why you posted here, OP. Possibly to be told you're right and a great parent? You don't seem willing to listen or even consider other viewpoints. I think you're running the risk of smothering your kids and being overbearing in front of their friends. They are their own people. Not just extensions of you who think what you think.

Drizzzle · 09/11/2019 15:01

Phones are far far too important in lots of people's lives!

ghostfromholidaypast · 09/11/2019 15:04

Being cheeky or a bit rude is very different to asking to contact their parents as they are feeling unwell etc. Especially as they already do not feel comfortable with you as you've taken their phone and they have an issue with it.
To be honest you should have more trust in your dc's, when my ds friends were acting up he would come tell me included listen to a rude song. I gave a warning and it stopped.

Did you tell them before you invited them? And at what age are you going to continue this?
It maybe your home but also they are guest, I would be furious if a parent did this without warning me first, one - it's my dc phone, two - I taught them how to behave and trust in that until proven not too and three - if I need to contact my dc or they need to contact me that's the reason they have a phone.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/11/2019 15:04

The parent who was happy for their DC to stay with us without knowing my name, phone number or address should have thought of that before letting their DC sleepover in my view!

Equally your responsibility in my view. You shouldn't be having kids sleepover at your house without checking with their parent, introducing yourself and getting a contact number. What would you have done in an emergency?

Hefzi · 09/11/2019 15:04

Bloody hell, no wonder there's a resilience crisis amongst young people if having a house rule of no phones after midnight is "terrifying" Hmm

Drizzzle · 09/11/2019 15:04

goodwinter if you think DVDs and Playstations are the same as phones then I suggest you ask your teenager to swap their phone for one of those.

Tonz · 09/11/2019 15:05

I wouldn’t be happy if another parent took my kids phone. It’s a very expensive piece of technology that I paid for and I pay the bill for to make sure kid has it with her and can contact me any time she needs u. I’ve had to pick her up from a sleepover at 3am because she woke up feeling ill quick call to me I went and got her. I couldn’t imagine her going to wake up another parent at that time to ask for HER property. Also if I tried to call her and her phone was off I would absolutely freak. But then if I was made aware u took their phones I wouldn’t let her stay anyway.

Out of interest what happens when ur kids are out on sleepovers do u go and pick up their phones at midnight 🤪

underneaththeash · 09/11/2019 15:05

We have a complete no electronics upstairs rule. Including sleepovers.

They're left downstairs on the console table though so that the girls could access them in the middle of the night if there was an emergency for example.

moonlightholly · 09/11/2019 15:05

I suppose the problem is OP you are absolutely entitled to an opinion but someone merely being in your home doesn’t give you the right to withhold their property.

ragged · 09/11/2019 15:06

strict rule borne out of love and concern for safety

OP: please explain why your children & their guests were safer by not having their phones overnight.

How will you know when it is safe for them to have their phones overnight?

It wouldn't bother me, btw. Because my DD is well scary and my DSs are bigger than you. The objecting posters are saying that they don't trust YOU.

AhNowTed · 09/11/2019 15:06

Way to go being the weird joyless controller sleepover.

Thatagain · 09/11/2019 15:07

The rule in my house has always been no Internet after 10pm I always switch the internet of at that time. Everyone has to work around that. Some mobile data will not work without a wifi signal. I don't think it's right takeing children's belongings away from them.