...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

[Mothership4two]

I would be very surprised if someone took my 15 yo's medication off him on a sleepover (not that he is on any). He would know to keep it packed away. and I wouldn't expect toddlers to be in with them.

[churchandstate]

He would know to keep it packed away. and I wouldn't expect toddlers to be in with them.

But the host wouldn’t know whether the child knew that or not. And although toddlers wouldn’t be in with teens in my house, the toddler would have access to the room the following day and every day. A dropped pill could be very harmful to a small child. I would request that strong medication was kept in the bathroom cupboard. I would see no need to remove it from the 15 year old because I would expect them to respect my request.

[tornmum1]

You can tell church has never dealt with teens

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

It doesn’t take a genius to work out that they can just ask for their phone back for that. If it’s not urgent, what’s the problem? And if it is urgent, come and get me.

Because most people can realise that a teenager might be reluctant to go and enter the bedroom of a virtual stranger in order to ask that they can phone their mum because they feel a bit unwell and need some advice. They might wait until the situation becomes more dire before deciding that they have to get you.

You really do not seem very approachable and I can well.imagine a child sat anxiously trying to decide whether they really have to come and wake you or whether their symptoms will pass.

What if it's not a medical condition but they're feeling anxious or scared or homesick? Would you be so amenable to being woken up so that they can use their phone?

[LaurieMarlow]

Church is in for quite the shock methinks.

[churchandstate]

You can tell church has never dealt with teens grin

Oh no, only my decade’s worth of secondary education experience to go on. 🙄

[lyralalala]

But the host wouldn’t know whether the child knew that or not. And although toddlers wouldn’t be in with teens in my house, the toddler would have access to the room the following day and every day. A dropped pill could be very harmful to a small child. I would request that strong medication was kept in the bathroom cupboard. I would see no need to remove it from the 15 year old because I would expect them to respect my request.

I agree with you on phones, but that I don't.

My DD's medication needs to be on her at all times. Not in a bathroom cabinet in an unfamiliar house (and not in a school office, which is a whole other thread). Inhalers, epi-pens and pills that are needed quickly should stay on the person.

She knows how to deal with her medication and lives with younger siblings so knows how to keep them safe.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

You can tell church has never dealt with teens

Indeed. I can well imagine any visiting teen simply denying they have any contraband including a phone. Does she propose to search them?

[Mistigri]

I think what you're missing here church is that while what you're describing (confiscating phones, medicines) sounds reasonable when done by a reasonable adult in loco parentis and with a background check - eg by a teacher.

It's not reasonable behaviour when done by a random adult who could be a nutcase or abuser.

What you are posting here would, in real life, be setting off all sorts of red warning signals for me, especially if you are a man, or if your male partner was also involved in removing my teenager's property.

[churchandstate]

You really do not seem very approachable and I can well.imagine a child sat anxiously trying to decide whether they really have to come and wake you or whether their symptoms will pass.

What if it's not a medical condition but they're feeling anxious or scared or homesick? Would you be so amenable to being woken up so that they can use their phone?

If a child needed their phone to make a call I would be perfectly amenable. I wouldn’t expect to get much sleep with a houseful of 13 year olds! And I am in fact very approachable. I am just clear in my expectations.

[churchandstate]

Mistigri

Then don’t send your child to sleep in my house. You are making me responsible for them when you do that, so if you think I am a nutcase, keep them at home. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[lyralalala]

Oh no, only my decade’s worth of secondary education experience to go on. 🙄

Totally different to parenting them.

I worked in schools for a very long time before my teens hit teenage years and it's a whole different ball game.

Also I have 4 teens in my house and every one of them is a different ball game as they are all different. I thought I had it aced as DS1 and DN1 were a doddle. DD1 is a little more challenging. DD2... fucking hell, nothing has prepared me for this. I did 15 years in various different schools and alongside that I've run a playscheme/out of school care for 20 years. With DD2 I am completely out of my depth.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

How you view yourself and how others view you are too entirely different things.

[LaurieMarlow]

Oh no, only my decade’s worth of secondary education experience to go on.

There’s a world of difference between a teacher student and parent child relationship.

There’s also a huge difference between being responsible for a child’s learning 6 hours a day and being their parent 24/7.

You’d think that would have occurred to you before now.

[churchandstate]

My DD's medication needs to be on her at all times. Not in a bathroom cabinet in an unfamiliar house (and not in a school office, which is a whole other thread). Inhalers, epi-pens and pills that are needed quickly should stay on the person.

She knows how to deal with her medication and lives with younger siblings so knows how to keep them safe.

But keeping my toddler safe is my job, not hers. If your child had medication on her that could harm my child and refused to store it somewhere I was happy with, she wouldn’t be coming.

[churchandstate]

You’d think that would have occurred to you before now.

It has. I was responding to the suggestion that it’s clear I have never dealt with teens, when actually my experience with them is extensive.

[churchandstate]

How you view yourself and how others view you are too entirely different things.

Sure. But as I only have the former to go on, I’ll have to keep on as I am.

[churchandstate]

Also I have 4 teens in my house and every one of them is a different ball game as they are all different. I thought I had it aced as DS1 and DN1 were a doddle. DD1 is a little more challenging. DD2... fucking hell, nothing has prepared me for this. I did 15 years in various different schools and alongside that I've run a playscheme/out of school care for 20 years. With DD2 I am completely out of my depth.

Always a possibility. No reason not to have an opinion, though.

[lyralalala]

But keeping my toddler safe is my job, not hers. If your child had medication on her that could harm my child and refused to store it somewhere I was happy with, she wouldn’t be coming.

Any medication can harm a child. Surely a better option is to hoover the floor before allowing your child in?

What are you going to do if one of your children needs medication that needs to be on their person?

And it's not about refusing to store it somewhere you are happy with. it's refusing to store it somewhere that might involve a deadly (literally) delay in her accessing it.

[Mistigri]

Are you male or female?

I think that my teenage daughter would run a fucking mile if forced to hand over her phone by the male parent of friend. Hopefully she'd then use her phone to call the cops :/

[churchandstate]

Any medication can harm a child. Surely a better option is to hoover the floor before allowing your child in?

No, the better option is to store hazardous medication safely. Clearly. Unfortunately, if your child couldn’t comply with that in my house he or she wouldn’t be welcome. I make no apologies for it.

[lyralalala]

Always a possibility. No reason not to have an opinion, though.

It is a reason to acknowledge that you might be wrong about some things though rather than telling everyone currently in the midst of it that they are wrong

[churchandstate]

What are you going to do if one of your children needs medication that needs to be on their person?

It depends what it is and why it needs to be on their person. An epi-pen, yes, of course it should stay with the child. Painkillers, I don’t see why it can’t be stored somewhere safely.

[slippyfeet]

Mine are very young children (pre school) so this hasn't even occurred to me yet - but I'm genuinely really surprised that so many parents are ok with teenagers having phones overnight at a sleepover. We're forever reading stories about how teenagers are bullied by their friends taking videos of them asleep and posting them all over snapchat etc, or accessing inappropriate content once parents are safely asleep. Is this not a concern?

Am genuinely curious not having a dig - I expected responses to say OP was not BU!

I'm glad this is all a good ten years away for me!

I must say though in all my years going to sleepovers as a teen I never had a phone and never had an issue. We did worse things though, we used to sneak out. I'd be bloody horrified if mine did that.

[lyralalala]

No, the better option is to store hazardous medication safely. Clearly. Unfortunately, if your child couldn’t comply with that in my house he or she wouldn’t be welcome. I make no apologies for it.

Medication is stored safely in a bag or close to the person by someone who guards their medication safely.

Tbh if someone expected my child's life-saving medication to be in their cupboard out of the way she wouldn't be staying with you anyway.