...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

[TeenPlusTwenties]

The mixed responses here show exactly why it needs to be made clear up front at the time of the sleepover agreement.

[Love51]

Mine aren't this age yet, but I agree. I've heard too many stories of smartphones causing anything from hassle to crimes. Phones in rooms don't support good sleep habits, but I wouldn't be bothered about that at. Sleepover!
In future ask your kids to make their friends aware before they arrive, if they don't like it they don't have to come. I wouldn't be relaxing that rule, too much could happen. I think it will be an ongoing contentious issue.

[GruciusMalfoy]

Unless I had the OK from their parents I really wouldn't have done this. It's something I would have expected to be asked about before I allowed my children to sleep over anywhere.

[Wildorchidz]

I can’t believe you confiscated two kids phones though Op.

Did you not consider that your poor child is going to be a laughing stock come Monday?

Did you miss the sentence where the op says this has always been the rule at sleepovers?
I think you are absolutely nbu op but to avoid any issues in future it might be an idea to tell the parents that this is what you do.

[moonlightholly]

Op, you do not get to decide what is a good reason and what isn’t for a child that isn’t yours to use their phone

[MySonIsAlsoNamedBort]

Advise and discuss with their parents beforehand and ensure that the teens have been made aware this is the rule before they come.
I think it's ridiculous, but it's your rule and your house, so go about enforcing it the right way to cause minimal stress for yourself and the teens, and lessen embarrassment for your kids.

[TimeforanotherChange]

Jesus. Ok well although I don't follow your rule with teens it is your house and the first teen who argued with me at 12:30 would have been told "that's absolutely fine. Phone your mother now and tell her to collect you immediately. You are not staying the night here". Who fucking argues with 13_year olds til 4:30 am in your own house??? My house my rules for guests. They don't get to tell me which of my rules they will keep.They are welcome to leave. I would not invite them again and I would be complaining to their parents about their lack of manners.

[Starlight456]

I did exactly the same at 11. At my house I said the same but actually they needed some sleep not on phones all night .

[MustardScreams]

It’s not your decision to make. By all means take your own child’s phones away, but not someone else’s. I would relax the rules for one night anyway, sleepovers are meant for being stupid and having fun. Why were you spending 4 hours arguing with teenagers?! If you don’t want your kid to have friends do continue

[BlouseAndSkirt]

It’s their personal property.

Just turn the WiFi off.

[BillywilliamV]

You’d be prising my girls’ phones from their cold dead fingers tbh!

[SomewhereInbetween1]

If my daughter stayed over at a friend's house and their phone was confiscated by the parent I would not be happy. What if that child is anxious? What if having to come and wake up a sleeping adult who is practically a stranger to ask for their phone so they can speak to their mum, puts them off doing so? What if they want to be able to discretely speak to their parents in the night without waking their friends or causing a hassle? You say your rule is there to prevent unsafe happenings, but I also think it does the opposite, you could be making that child feel unsafe by not having a direct route of contact to their own parents.

[converseandjeans]

YANBU & your house = your rules. It's really cheeky of those kids to first of all answer back and secondly try sneak into your room.

Not sure I would do same - however if my kids were told that was the rule I would expect them to respect that. I would be very upset if they argued with a friends' parent!!

No your kids might not be considered "cool" now but honestly do you want them having friends who are so disrespectful?

The responses from some on this thread indicate that teenagers feel it's ok to argue back & this is firstly not challenged by their parents - but that parents accept this sort of thing?

[BlouseAndSkirt]

What terrible business could they be doing in their phones after midnight that they could not do before?

If it’s about sleep and distraction, well, it’s a sleepover. They won’t curl up and go peacefully to sleep just because you have impounded their phones.

Fair enough to keep your kids phones out of the bedroom at night in the week because of sleep hygiene and bad habits, but in a sleepover it’s pointless, makes you look controlling , and embarrassing for your kids.

[TeenPlusTwenties]

As a matter of interest, do all of you advocating teens keeping their phones let them keep their phones all night at home?

[MustardScreams]

I wouldn’t allow teenagers to answer back, but at the same time I would be adult enough to shut down any sort of argument and not allow it to continue for FOUR hours. How utterly ridiculous.

[Avihoot]

I don't see the need for your rules and agree with others that your children must be embarrassed. It reminds me of a sleepover I had with my best friend when we were teens. Her mother was renowned for strictness and she had me sleeping in the spare room! (to clarify, we were 2 heterosexual girls, there was no risk of immoral behaviour, if you could call it immoral anyway). We set up a string line and happily passed each other paper notes down the string until her mother caught us and went ballistic. Talk about sucking all the fun out of it!

Anyway, so no I don't see the need for your rules, but I also agree with another pp who is astounded that you argued into the night with these teens. Why didn't you just arrange for them to be collected if they wouldn't behave?

[converseandjeans]

Why should OP discuss before sleepover? The phones were only taken at 12.30 - so hardly as if they were taken off them at the door?

[amiapropermum]

They might not be comfortable asking you for the phone for something of a personal or sensitive nature- please bear that in mind

[longwayoff]

You argued with a 13 year old until 4.30am? And you're a proper grown up? Good heavens.

[dubmumof2]

Of course they turn off their phones - I don't want to be able to see anything pop up or have access to other teenagers phone content.

They do know their phones are 10 feet away and that I am happy to give access if they want to contact parents for any reason...

Two of those who stayed have been regularly before and their parents know of my rule. One of the new people, their parents don't know me, didn't contact me in advance, my teenager asked class mate if they wanted a sleepover and they turned up - not sure how I could have run the rule by them.....

[moonlightholly]

I don’t teen but:

1. I am the parent.
   

1. I pay for it
   

1. My child is at home.
   

It’s a bit like at my school where phones are treated like a contagious disease and whisked out of sight if seen. All well and good and kids are told they can always use the phone at reception. But it’s a major faff locating a parent at work sometimes and a quick text is so much easier.

[moonlightholly]

‘Happy to give access’

It’s THEIR phone! Not yours!

[FiddlesticksAkimbo]

Op, you do not get to decide what is a good reason and what isn’t for a child that isn’t yours to use their phone

You bloody well do if it's in your house, when you are in loco parentis, and other children for whom you are responsible may be affected.

[lazyarse123]

All this angst about phones. Surely you have a landline if they wanted to contact parents without telling the op. How did kids manage before mobiles. Yadnbu.