...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

[Celebelly]

Quality sleep is not something you get at sleepovers! I was unusual in our circle of friends as I always fell asleep during sleepovers and would then wake up at like 3am to find everyone watching Arachnaphobia or Scream or something. Occasionally I would take my sleeping bag and go fall asleep in another room while everyone else stayed up

[ReanimatedSGB]

If you're a teen on a sleepover and your friend's parents are wierd, scary, lay down the law and clearly regard you as barely two steps up from a feral animal, having them insist on taking your phone is fucking terrifying. You don't know what they might have in mind for you, and you're not going to feel able to say, can I phone my mum and ask to be collected in case the parent gets offended and locks you in a cupboard or something.

[MySonIsAlsoNamedBort]

The parents might want to contact their children and if their phone is off and in your bedroom this may cause the parents to panic. That would be a big reason I would think you should discuss with the parents beforehand, and make sure your contact details are provided to them as well if you are preventing them from contacting their children directly as they may have a family emergency in the night.

[Jammin5]

YABU. I also have a rule of taking away phones from my 13 and 15 yr old DDs at night . However I relax that rule on occasions when they have friends over. They respect me for showing some degree of flexibility according to the context, which is exactly how you need to approach parenting teens.

[AhNowTed]

Absolutely ridiculous.

Would it have killed you to relax this rule for one night.

Your kids will be mortified, and the friends won't be back.

[dubmumof2]

The Wifi suggestion is an interesting one - definitely worth considering in future....

This hasn't arisen for the 15 year old - who is less social. But the no phone in bedroom overnight also applies to them...

Really interested in the number of you that consider my behaviour here embarrassing to my DCs??? My kids are definitely being brought up to believe that a strict rule borne out of love and concern for safety is not embarrassing parent behaviour!

[goodwinter]

I would be really embarrassed if I were your child. It will almost definitely get talked about at school.

[rainbowstardrops]

My teenage DCs always have/had to have their phones charging either downstairs or in my room because I don't allow tec in their bedrooms overnight. (DS is an older teen now and away at uni, so no control!) but on a sleepover???!!!!! No way!
Part of the fun of a sleepover is that you get very little sleep. In my day it would be giggling and a midnight feast but nowadays it's laughing at funny YouTube videos and the like.
Blimey, I thought I was quite a strict parent but I think that's a bit much!

[Fairylea]

So now you’re questioning letting your dd be friends with these girls over them wanting to keep their phones?!

Wow. Your dd is going to be completely isolated if you carry on.

[moonlightholly]

I wonder WHY the 15 year old isn’t very social!

[Drizzzle]

I wouldn't allow my teen to go to a sleepover where phones are allowed.! Why do your children need phones in the middle of the night?

Some people are talking as if phones are special sacred objects!

[Topseyt]

Did it not occur to you that the reason the DC wanted their property back might have been so they could contact their parents and ask to be picked up, because they were uncomfortable around you?

That was very possible. OP should not be confiscating property that isn't here. Just relax for one single evening FFS.

[Choclips]

A sleepover is the only time I'd be letting mine have the phone through the night as a novelty. Choose your battles (you will I think have the rebellious years yet).

[thechocolatefireguard]

You should have contacted the parents to
Tell them your rule before their children came. If they didn't
Like it, he children should be kept at home

[amiapropermum]

My kids are definitely being brought up to believe that a strict rule borne out of love and concern for safety is not embarrassing parent behaviour!

You don't get to decide what your kids find embarrassing Jesus, OP.

Them chancing their arm asking for their (own) phones is no reason to restrict the friendship. Too much, too controlling.

[MintyMabel]

I wonder WHY the 15 year old isn’t very social!

Kids don’t need phones to be social. Plenty manage to be social without them.

[BrokenWing]

Those that consider that I am being unreasonable - can I ask on what grounds?

Your grounds for removing the phone are:

Sleep - its a sleepover, lack of sleep is to be expected.
Safety - what safety grounds? what do you think could possibly happen after 12 that couldn't haven't before?

As a parent of a 15 year old (who will be an adult next year (Scotland)) I would expect my son to keep his phone so he can contact me without having to ask or explain why, and I would expect you to respect his privacy as messages ping up on his screen on his phone that he might not want you to see/trust you wont snoop.

[Topseyt]

And no. You cannot and should not interfere in her friendship group unless she really has fallen in with the wrong crowd. That has nothing to do with whether or not they use phones at night.

[Tvstar]

Just because it's your house, you don't get to take away visitors belongings, especially not something as personal as a phone!!! Sheesh! If it was my child you wud be hearing from me!

[Aragog]

Whilst we used to take DD's phone away from her room at night time when she was younger, by 15y she'd shown us she was trusted not to be on it anyway so revised that and allowed it to be charged in her room and used as an alarm too.

Even when we had this rule this was always relaxed at sleepovers and I would not have dreamed of taking other teen's phones away. I feel I am often a bit stricter than many of dd's parents but even I wouldn't do that, certainly not for the 15 year old!

In my experience turning wifi off is pointless unless you live in an area with no network. All the teens we know have plenty of data.

[CeramicCat567]

I went to a sleepover once where my friends mother did this. It was in the days before smartphones so just calling/texting available and it made us all feel so uncomfortable and really we just wanted to go home. It's still remembered 15 years later as the sleepover where x's mum went crazy.

[Drizzzle]

Fairylea if those girls won't he friends with the OPs daughter because they can't keep their phones when they go for sleepovers there then they aren't real friends.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Your poor DC. You're clearly a bully, and self-righteous with it, and you are doing them no favours. They will either rebel madly as soon as they get the chance or they will have no defence against other bullies and abusers, because you will have taught them to ignore their own judgement and submit to any and all unreasonable demands.

[Oblomov19]

Good god, I have never removed another child's phone!

[Aragog]

Quality sleep on a sleepover?!?! Really. Surely half the reason for a sleepover is to stay up to late, and no real sleep happening!