...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

[SaskiaRembrandt]

Those that consider that I am being unreasonable - can I ask on what grounds?

On the grounds that the phones are not your property so you don't get to take them. It's downright odd that you think you have the right to.

I don't want people walking on my new rug in outdoor shoes, I don't confiscate their shoes for the duration of the their visit because that would be weird and a massive overstepping of boundaries.

[Iamnotagoddess]

@Hefzi

[GoodDogBellaBoo]

They would have to come into your bedroom in the middle of the night, to ask to have their phone back to call their mum or dad? You are beyond weird.

[I8toys]

Too controlling and you need to trust them more - especially the 15 year old.

[ghostfromholidaypast]

Remember OP many dc who are raised with strict parents find other ways to get what they want or do as they please. Your dc have already broken the rules that's why you moved the phones to your room.
So I do not think you dc think your rules are right and are probably just as frustrated as there friends.

[GoodDogBellaBoo]

Are you an older mother by any chance?

[CeramicCat567]

No it isn't about the parents being able to contact the teenager in this case.
This really isn't normal and will leave teenagers (Who are well known for being dramatic and unreasonable!?) confused and upset. then they want to contact their parent. Do they want to tell the monster who just confiscated their phone that they want to call their mum? Of course not!
Therefore everyone stays upset but will probably carry on for the sake of their friend. But do they want to come again? No of course not.

[JeffreyJefferson]

what the fuck ?

[hidinginthenightgarden]

I think it would be better to turn the wifi off to be honest.

[LaurieMarlow]

Absolutely not your call OP.

Not your children, not your property, really odd that you think you have any right to do that.

[TacoLover]

Kids don’t need phones to be social. Plenty manage to be social without them.

I think the poster is more trying to suggest that maybe the 15 year old isn't social and doesn't invite over friends for sleepovers because she'd be made a laughing stock by her mother

[Pud2]

I absolutely agree with you OP. Good for you. Surely a teenager should be able to survive a few hours without their phone. If there was an issue, you are there to assist. Similarly, the parents should be able to cope without contacting their children every few hours!

[Tistheseason17]

YANBU. I would not expect my teen daughters to have phones through the night in my house and would be happy for the same at a sleepover.

I am surprised at some of the responses tbh - phones got handed over at midnight - what is so important they need their phones for at that time anyway??

This generation is ridiculous - I never had a mobile phone growing up and I was not mentally controlled by other parents by not having one on a sleepover.

OP- I'd just manage expectations next time so no surprises. Tell them not to bring their phones at all and then there won't be any issues!

[Ikeameatballs]

Perfectly sensible rule re phones in rooms on a normal night.

Really OTT for a sleepover which is meant to be fun for the DC.

[goodwinter]

goodwinter if you think DVDs and Playstations are the same as phones then I suggest you ask your teenager to swap their phone for one of those.

I don't have kids, though I do have younger siblings around that age. I'm closer to imagining myself as the teenager here (I'm 26). What I'm saying is, the form of entertainment has changed hugely in the last 10, 20, 30 years. "Kids these days" are watching funny youtube videos and laughing at memes and watching shite on twitch. I just think it's unfair to demonise phones for being too important in young peoples' lives (which I don't entirely disagree with, away from this context) but yet not recognise how many functions phones perform now compared to a generation ago.

[habipprtyh]

Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument,

So you basically ruined your own night

[MRex]

My DS is young, but I wouldn't ever want him to be unable to contact me when he gets older, so as a parent I'd decline these sleepovers, it's not appropriate to demand that they should come in and wake you. If kids want to arrange an overnight meet-up with each other, they can do that before midnight. If they want to watch unsuitable things they can do that during the day if you don't lock down wifi and phones. Videoing sleeping kids - have a conversation to be clear that isn't acceptable and why. Your rules are arbitrary in deciding the teenagers will misbehave only at certain times of night. Arbitrary rules won't stop your children from misbehaving, they will just give them specific ways to avoid looking like they break your rules. The most authoritarian parents when I went to school had the sneakiest misbehaving teens, I don't think that was a coincidence. @dubmumof2, worst of all you aren't listening to anyone and that's a worrying sign for any parent of teens. Please talk to your own children and try to listen to what they actually have to say about this.

[cardibach]

The parent who was happy for their DC to stay with us without knowing my name, phone number or address should have thought of that before letting their DC sleepover in my view!
They did think of it, OP. They ensured their child had a phone with credit on which they could contact/be contacted by their parent.
If my DC was with them and I needed to contact them in an emergency overnight, it is not the young teenager I would be ringing in the middle of the night
It’s not about you, OP. It’s about the child contacting the parent if they are ill/being bullied/worried about anything they don’t want to talk to the host about. They can text or ring their parent to rescue them, and if necessary to invent a cover story so they don’t fall out with their friends over leaving.

[dubmumof2]

I did post in AIBU so I deserved this

I was genuinely interested in others views about this. I feel that the argument about kids wanting to contact parents and being uncomfortable about approaching me for access to their phone is perhaps a valid one and the one that concerned me most although genuinely I don't think it had any bearing on last night at all!

Because I don't really buy the "embarassment" or needing to contact DCs arguments - I'm not sure that makes me intransigent?

You'll have to take my word for it though that, in general, I'm not considered overbearing or controlling, and have a good, open and trusting relationship with my DCs. I would also not rush to that judgement of someone just because they had such a rule about phones at sleepovers, however, but I'm sure some of you will take that as another example of my wilful blind spot in this regard!

For those saying that no wonder my 15 year old is less social wtf?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Good rule, I'd be very happy you're doing this - and very reluctant to send a child to a sleepover where this rule is not enforced.

You need to tell everyone when they're invited, so there's no ambiguity or surprise. Any child whose parent does not accept this rule, does not attend.

[AmIThough]

You're actually on another planet, OP.

I understand keeping to the rule for your own child but you're now considering not allowing their friends to sleep over again for not 'respecting' your rule?

A group of teenagers are always going to try and bend/break rules. It's part of growing up.

You're lucky that they only want their phones back.
We used to tell our parents we were at each other's houses when we were really out drinking.
We all grew into sensible law abiding adults.

Your children will start to rebel soon though, I'm sure of it. Especially when they get to experience the other side of life.

[goodwinter]

I am surprised at some of the responses tbh - phones got handed over at midnight - what is so important they need their phones for at that time anyway?? This generation is ridiculous - I never had a mobile phone growing up and I was not mentally controlled by other parents by not having one on a sleepover.

This is exactly the kind of thing I mean. Magazines, books, videos/DVDs, CDs, TV, console games, etc; all those things that made up a 13 year old girls' entertainment a generation ago has been largely replaced by smartphones.

It really doesn't matter whether you had a phone growing up because "phones" today are not the same thing as they were then.

[Drizzzle]

OP doesn't "confiscate " their phones! She aska for them to be left in her bedroom overnight just to make sure that nobody uses them for something inappropriate. That shouldn't be difficult to understand, or difficult to accept.

If a child feels unwell in the night and needs to be collected of course the host parent needs to be woken up and told! Or would you expect your child to quietly slip out to your car without letting the hosts know?

If you need to contact your child in the night (very unlikely) just call the host parent!

And what would you do if my child bought an (expensive ) bottle of gin round and you are of the opinion that it would be controlling to ask them not to use their own property in your house (and to share it)?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Next time, tell them is a 1980s themed sleepover - costume (if they wish), music and... no mobiles!

[Aridane]

Oh my - you are that parent