...to hold on to teenagers' phones when they are here for a sleepover

[dubmumof2]

Quick background - my teenage DC (15 & 13) are not and have never been allowed their phones overnight in their bedrooms for both sleep and safety reasons. They set their phones to charge downstairs before going up to bed. I have in the past had to charge a phone in my bedroom for a period when I discovered that a phone was being retrieved in secret when the house was gone to bed!

I've always had a similar rule for sleepovers - phones are handed over at 12 midnight or 12.30am and charged in my room (not downstairs from experience). Everyone is informed of where their phone is and told that if they want to talk to parents etc in the night that is fine - they can have their phone from me. I have lots of reasons - concern for what they may watch when I'm asleep, concern for the potential ideas that groups can spur on to film sleeping friends and post them (illegally!), know of middle of the night sorties to meet other groups having sleepovers arranged by phone. I feel I am in loco parentis and those are risks I'm not willing to take.

Had two new 13 year old friends last night for the first time. Group including regular sleepover attendees and new then considered this rule very unreasonable and I spent from 12.30am to 4.30am defending it, preventing numerous attempts to get the phones back by stealth or argument, and addressing charges that I wasn't allowed to keep them from their phones......

I didn't budge and am unlikely to revise the rule but AIBU? Do any of you have similar rules or am I an outlier here?

[Goldenchildsmum]

Op, you do not get to decide what is a good reason and what isn’t for a child that isn’t yours to use their phone

You bloody well do if it's in your house, when you are in loco parentis, and other children for whom you are responsible may be affected.

You bloody well don't unless you have the child's parents permission

[Drabarni]

There were a couple of kids who used to come for sleepovers who weren't trusted with phones during the night.
No way did I take their phones, or anybody else's. The parents didn't discuss it with me, so I left them alone.
You need to trust your kids or you have more problems than a phone.

[ginrummy1]

Your house your rules but I think it's a bit much, especially for the 15 year old.
What on earth was going on for 4 hours last night, that's the most ridiculous part of your post.

[Fairylea]

Painfully embarrassing. Relax and unclench for one night. Let the other parents make the rules about what their own children do with their own phones.

[ThatsMeInTheSpotlight]

I'm reading this with interest because our rule is no phones or any other electronics in the bedroom (early teens) and so far that's been fine but I can see it becoming an issue as DCs get older.

The problem is that if a DC wants to go home because they're miserable or your own DC is being a bully, it's difficult for them to come to you for their phone. You're creating a barrier to them 'escaping'.

No matter how confident a teen is, facing down a parent and explaining you actually want to go home is much more difficult than sending a quick text to your own parent.

[Celebelly]

Hm I think YA being a bit U. Perhaps a talk on expectations/conduct would be better than just taking their phones? I agree that I would like to be able to contact my child and for them to contact me if needed. It's a sleepover, that means not much sleeping will be occurring anyway. Do you trust your own kids to let you know if there's something they're uncomfortable with?

[moonlightholly]

how did we manage in the days without mobiles

This is such a daft argument, same as with cars (took longer to get around) and washing machines (we weren’t as clean) and medicine (we died) - kids had to stay and be miserable if they were miserable!

[greenlavender]

I wouldn't be happy if it was my child.

[BloggersBlog]

You are not being unreasonable at all, very sensible imo and I wish more parents had this rule when my sons are away. Mine never have their phones from 10pm on a school night, 11pm weekends.

[lazyarse123]

So the op can't decide if the kids can have their phone but can decide what they eat, where and when they sleep, whether the use the shower or not and probably what films they watch too. Just like a parent. Society is getting it's collective knickers in a knot about kids rights. The kids ds can decide not to stay if they don't like the house rules.

[dubmumof2]

No I didn't argue for 4 hours solid. Over the 4 hour timeframe on three occasions my teenager was sent with 2 different friends in tow to advocate for phone recovery and two attempts were made by my DC and a friend to retrieve them when I was (a) in the loo and (b)they thought I was asleep - there was lots of egging on that I could hear!

Tbh, I am considering whether they are welcome again - giving that a lot of thought and weighing up impact on DCs friendships and influences...

[MustardScreams]

So now you’re going to choose your children’s friends because they like to keep their phones with them? Batshit.

[bpirockin]

Wow! I'm utterly astounded at how many are saying this is not on. I can't believe so many people allow their children to take phones to bed with them. No wonder kids practically need surgical removal from their tech and are so afraid to be alone! These kids re not even alone, heaven forbid they talk to each other! What about quality sleep? Dangers of proximity to their growing brains? Seriously gobsmacked and saddened by this.

I'm with you OP 100%.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Have you always been this officious and controlling? If so, it's amazing your DC have any friends left - once word gets round about the scary, bullying, demanding parent who takes everyone's phones away (which you have no right whatsoever to do - 'my house my rules' does not give you free rein over other people's children or their property) other kids won't want to visit yours - and other parents won't want to let them.
You're probably just bossy and neurotic, but some adults confiscating phones from teenagers might have more dubious motives and, given that we generally have less to do with our kids' friends' parents at the secondary school stage, other parents might be wary of your mindset and what other methods you might have in mind to fulfill your need to be 'in charge'.

[bridgetreilly]

I think it's a very good rule. No one needs to be able to text between midnight and the next morning. People being bullied/wanting to contact parents for other reasons still have plenty of opportunities to do so.

[MrsAJ27]

Good for you OP, if they don't like your rules they don't need to be at your house.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Did it not occur to you that the reason the DC wanted their property back might have been so they could contact their parents and ask to be picked up, because they were uncomfortable around you?

[georgialondon]

Don't be that parent!

[MustardScreams]

Do kids just go to sleep on sleepovers then? Because I thought the whole point of them was to not sleep and have fun?

[moonlightholly]

Tbh even when schools do this they are on very shaky ground.

I agree with sgb - I am cringing a bit!

[Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav]

I agree with letting them keep their phones but turn off the WiFi so they can still get in touch with their parents if needed

[BloggersBlog]

@MustardScreams I think it's more to do with the fact that the other kids did not respect the Ops authority, and her DC was egged on to push his much too. Fair reasons to not want to promote a friendship imo

[TimeforanotherChange]

I think the best way to handle this is to be very clear "these are our house rules if you wish to stay over. If not, that is perfectly fine.". Those parents insisting they want their child to keep their own phone would be told they are not welcome to stay. You don't get to decide on someone else's house rules! Don't go there if you don't like it.

[converseandjeans]

OP even if you were being overly strict then so what? Your house & what you say goes. I am honestly appalled that these kids were hounding you. Pretty sure none of them would want to text parents at 1am!?
I wouldn't have them back! I am surprised that people on here are claiming they wouldn't be happy - so have your own sleepover. OP is doing a favour.

[Widowodiw]

You need to bring your teenagers up to raise the alarm if something untoward is going on with the phones. At this age trust has to come into it you can’t rule them and especially when they are not your kids.