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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unfair on my husband?

329 replies

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 10:49

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:

saraclara · 09/11/2019 12:26

You want him to be you. And that's entirely unfair. He's a high achiever, but in his own field. You knew that when you met him. Did you expect that he should change career for you, purely for the money?

You seem to look down on him because he earns less, rather than respect him for his own achievements.

So yes, you're being unfair.

Presumably you are living a lifestyle that you chose, knowing that he couldn't contribute half. The only other option is that you downgrade your lifestyle for the one he'd have chosen had he not met you.

So decide what you want. Are you prepared to live differently in order for him to be able to pay his share?

kmammamalto · 09/11/2019 12:27

Yuck you sound horrible. Sorry but I think you are completely unreasonable. I'm a teacher, part time now after children and special education so limited upward prospects and a pretty sure salary. But I like to think I'm doing something that firstly I love and secondly might make a difference to young people who otherwise have terrible lives.
My DH works hard in a completely different sector and earns over 100 grand a year and pays for more or less everything, the deposit for out house etc however on the paperwork it's both of ours and he has never ever made me feel like shit for not earning enough!! I contribute in a million different ways and I guess maybe he loves me!?

Preggosaurus9 · 09/11/2019 12:28

You seem really obsessed with money at the expense of what's actually valuable.

Did you grow up in poverty? Did your parents divorce and rant about money to you? Trying to understand what experiences you have which are driving your perspective and behaviour because right now you sound a bit unhinged.

Opposites attract. It's normal in a marriage to have 1 person more ambitious than the other. More tidy or more organised, more extroverted etc. You're not meant to be doubles of each other. You're supposed to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses as a team.

I think you need MH support to address your anxiety about money because it sounds quite obsessive and you're running the risk of ruining your marriage over it which would be tragic.

Applesanbananas · 09/11/2019 12:28

You seem a bit big headed about yourself and how 'ambitious' you are. You do realise that life could change tomorrow and you would then be very grateful for the 40k that your dh earns. Seems like money is your big focus rather than all the different contributions to your marriage.
Have you let him know that you dont really want children?

saraclara · 09/11/2019 12:28

I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects)

So it's not going to happen. You chose your career, and it's important to you. He chose his, and it's important to him. Why do your wishes come before his?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/11/2019 12:31

If you want him to be able to cover everything then you need to lower your costs to match his income. If you cant do that you either have to accept that like most couples you would be hard pressed if you lost your job or you leave him. You do sound as if money is the most important thing for you in a relationship rather than anything else.

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 12:31

@Applesanbananas actually that is precisely my worry. I'm not at all big-headed. The reality in most private corporations and life is that you could be made redundant or have an illness. I want him to be able to support against these possibilities.

People have recommended various insurances- I'll look into these, thank you.

OP posts:

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 09/11/2019 12:32

I'm a bit confused by your thread to be honest? Presumably he's always earned less/had lower earnings potential.....so this shouldn't come as a great surprise to you?? Or are you just realising that you don't actually like being the main earner? (Something incidentally that most men have had to deal with for years?)

I earn 3x DH I always will - means no career breaks no being a stay at hone mum - but I always knew this would be the case and therefore can't really grumble about it now. Yes it sometimes makes me anxious that if I got made redundant we definitely couldn't afford the things we have now. So I have a good life insurance policy as well as critical illness sickness AND Redundancy insurance

Why is pushing HIS career and earnings so important to you? Sounds like you can afford a fairly good lifestyle as it stands especially if you are overpaying your mortgage?

No one has ever had "good employee" on their headstone
There are more important things in life

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2019 12:34

Someone on £38k post tax and student loans brings in about £2100/ month. Mortgage is £1350/month, council tax £150, petrol £200, gas and electricity £100, phones and internet £100, water £40, insurances £50.

So your income is £2100.
Your bills are £1990.
I agree, it would be difficult on £110/month but I promise you, plenty of people are feeding themselves and their families on that. And they are doing without savings in the bank, without a house that they could re-mortgage, and without the prospect of their partner being able to go out and find another job. Like everyone has said, it is COMPLETELY normal to struggle to cope on one income when you've been used to two incomes. That's why you get insurance and have savings. It's not a reason to harass your partner for only earning twice the national average wage. Grow up.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/11/2019 12:37

I would like him to catch up to me

Just take a second to read that back and think about how it sounds.

DH earns significantly more than I do but he completely respects the fact that my job is socially useful, inherently rewarding and allows me to make a difference to the lives of vulnerable children. My work may not be as profitable as his but it is every bit as important and if he ever so much as implied that I was lagging behind and needed to "catch up to" him I'd be hurt and furious.

You sound as though you think your DH is not worthy of you because you're the higher earner. If so why did you marry him? Did you assume your financial success would inspire him to abandon academia and join a more profit-focused industry? The thing is, just because you're earning a high salary that doesn't mean that everyone wants to be in your situation. For some people success is about much more than salary. You talk as though you're the only breadwinner and if that was the case I could completely understand your resentment but your DH isn't some lazy cock-lodger who's taking you for a ride, he is working and contributing too! So why do you feel so hard done by?

SomewhereInbetween1 · 09/11/2019 12:38

OP, most couples couldn't afford their mortgage on one income, that's not rare, I certainly couldn't. I can't understand why a hypothetical accident is worrying you so much? This is what life insurance is for.

Redwinestillfine · 09/11/2019 12:39

Glad you're looking into insurance. I don't know anyone that can survive and n one salary. You are married and both bring different things to the table. You need to stop thinking in terms of him not being able to contribute to x or y. You both put money in. If you can't afford something that is not on him. You are both living beyond your means. Honestly though if you are both overpaying on the mortgage and saving it sounds like you are absolutely fine.

murmuration · 09/11/2019 12:39

What are his goals? Does he want to be a Prof? Seems you might want him to run a spin-out... does he?

I'm an academic (and the sole earner in my family, so same boat that loss of my income would mean disaster!) and I've seen colleagues who went corporate and absolutely loved it. Felt it was way lower stress and they got lots more money in the bargain. Then I've known others who did the same and crashed and burned - found they were constantly on edge and not able to work the way they wanted, either always in clashes with bosses or just absolutely terrible at managing a business if trying to run their own spin-out, and then struggled to get back into academia (often stuck on zero-hours contracts). It takes a certain personality to turn research into business, and some are more suited than others. I've thought about making the transition myself, but not sure which side I'd end up on - and at the moment not willing to risk the sure thing of our one salary for more money. Plus there's the incredible flexibility.

You mention he wants a family - is he going to take shared parental leave on that? Cut down on childcare by arranging working from home days? I doubt you're going to get him to change his personality, but you can potentially get him to use his academic flexibility to benefit the family.

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 12:43

@murmuration to be honest part of the problem is that he's not clear on his goals either. He says he wants to stay in academia but also talks about how difficult it is to go up to prof and he's not sure. I would like him to try the private sector as he might like it but he doesn't seem to really want to. If he did and he hated it, then of course I wouldn't push him to continue

OP posts:

Grimbles · 09/11/2019 12:44

I might understand your position a bit more if he was working for NMW, but a £38k salary is pretty good, even in the SE.

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2019 12:46

It's okay not to have goals. It's okay not to be clear on what your goals are. He's allowed to just want to get on with living his life now that he has a job, a home and a wife. He's allowed to hope that his life might expand to include children. Why does he have to have any more ambition than that?

LaBelleSauvage · 09/11/2019 12:47

It sounds like you have a problem with being overly anxious, and are taking your anxiety out on your husband.

You overpay on your mortgage? Well don't do that when you do your masters. Don't do up the house when you're studying. Skip a few meals out. Save up for a career breaking you want one.

You could spend your life wailing about the what ifs.

What if your house burned down? What if you got ill? What if you had a child with a disability that needed extra care?

These are all possibilities but there's no point berating your husband for not being able to pay if you got ill and you had a child and the boiler broke down all at once. You'll ruin your life and damage your marriage.

Support him in his own career at his own pace. Keep saving for rainy day eventualities, but stop letting your own fears and anxieties impact your marriage and your husband's self worth.

Mamabear88 · 09/11/2019 12:47

100% agree with everyone else - you are being totally unreasonable!!!! Not everyone is career focussed and overly ambitious and guess what, that's ok! We're all different. Why did you choose to marry him knowing he was like that if it's such a big issue for you? You can't expect him to change how he is to please you and allow you to have a little career break. "I hope he will change / I would like him to catch up to me" - really?! I suggest you go and reassess your expectations sharpish if you want your marriage to last.

Derbee · 09/11/2019 12:48

Does he want to be a SAHP?

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/11/2019 12:49

actually that is precisely my worry. I'm not at all big-headed. The reality in most private corporations and life is that you could be made redundant or have an illness. I want him to be able to support against these possibilities. So you've chosen an insecure but high paying field and want him to earn enough to maintain your lifestyle if you're made redundant?

If he did and he hated it, then of course I wouldn't push him to continue So what would he do? It might be difficult for him to return to academia, in a permanent role, with no recent research to his name.

saraclara · 09/11/2019 12:49

I would like him to try the private sector as he might like it but he doesn't seem to really want to. If he did and he hated it, then of course I wouldn't push him to continue
But then it would be really hard for him to get back to his old position.

I'm sorry, but this is such a selfish position to take. You clearly don't accept him for who he is. You are fiercely ambitious. He isn't. You might be right to feel frustrated if he'd done nothing with his life. But FFS he's a highly qualified man who worked incredibly hard to get where he is. Leave him alone.

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 12:50

@LaBelleSauvage I do have an anxiety problem and you're right, this could be causing me to worry more about money than is normal.

@Derbee no he has said he would never be a SAHP

OP posts:

PepePig · 09/11/2019 12:51

Just to focus on something other than money (which YABU), it's very clear you don't want kids.

Have you explicitly told him you don't? Would that be a deal breaker for him? You can't skirt around the topic- if you really don't want them then you need to let him know that it isn't happening. He can then leave and find someone else to have a family with if it's important to him.

Original poster

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 12:52

@MereDintofPandiculation my field is no more insecure than any other private corporate position. I think it's naive to think any private employee has a guaranteed career

OP posts:

saraclara · 09/11/2019 12:52

Jeeze, I can't imagine how annoying it must be to have worked towards something for so long, want to settle down and get the benefits of that, and to have a wife constantly nagging you because you're not enough for her.

You seem to have no respect for his work at all.

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