Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair on my husband?

329 replies

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 10:49

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
CosmoK · 09/11/2019 11:22

YABVVVVU
Academia is hardly low paid but it will never earn really big bucks..... however, there's more to a career than a high salary.

You're married so it's joint money so you need to work out jointly if you can afford for you take a career break.

You sound resentful which isn't great in a marriage. I'm an academic and earn half my DHs salary .....he doesn't resent me for that. Instead he's proud of my achievements.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/11/2019 11:22

It does however mean that technically he's not covering his half

I honestly think that this is a shitty way to view finances in a marriage.

category12 · 09/11/2019 11:22

Soo, are you planning to have dc? Is part of your concern that you couldn't be a SAHM?

joffreyscoffees · 09/11/2019 11:24

I want to know how you renovated a derelict house in 20k to be honest! We've just spent 25k on our house which was completely liveable.. and it's still nowhere near done either.

HermioneWeasley · 09/11/2019 11:25

He isn’t going to change

Now you’re married he’s entitled to half th marital assets

Do you want kids - how will that work in terms of maternity leave etc?

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 11:26

You sound awful....sorry but you do.
Ambition doesn't always equal money.
He's an academic with a PhD ...do you know how hard that is? The dedication that takes? There's no way you can do that without ambition and drive.

Not covering his half??? If my DH saud that to me I'd be so disappointed in his attitude.

morningdread · 09/11/2019 11:26

I actually think you need to look at the positives. He has no issue with working & must be intelligent but doesn't want to be a high flier, not everyone does or can be. Most people need to 2 incomes to fund everything & I earn less than DH but do more childcare.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/11/2019 11:27

It does however mean that technically he's not covering his half.

Well presumably you knew his wages before you married and joined finances. If you want everything to be 50/50 then you need to base your outgoings on what the lowest wage earner can afford.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 11:27

No I never want to be a SAHM.

It's more that he is the one who pushes for children even though they're going to cost even more but at the same time doesn't try to increase his earnings to match a potential increase in the outgoings. I feel that he just expects me to cover nursery fees etc as well.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/11/2019 11:28

Do you want kids op?

morningdread · 09/11/2019 11:29

I changed careers after dc1 which meant my 2 days per week contribution was less than the childcare fee. DH didn't throw it in my face once, we are a team.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 09/11/2019 11:29

Yabu. I'm not ambitious, I have a comfortable job, with comfortable hours and I earn a fairly average salary. As such, my DH and i have lifestyles to suit this as we value our time away from work, our own lives and time more than that of a career. You either accept he is like this or you need to evaluate your future with someone who has very different values to you.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 11:29

@HermioneWeasley that is also somewhat of a concern. If we had kids I could only take off the amount of time I have company paid leave

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 09/11/2019 11:29

I honestly think that this is a shitty way to view finances in a marriage

Not necessarily. If one of you is a disproportionately high earner and the other less so its always a risk if something happens to the higher earner whichever partner it is.

Where the high earner is a women issues such as maternity leave can be more difficult and will likely end up being curtailed.

The reality is OP that for you to take a break to study would require you as a couple to reduce your cost of living for a while. That is exactly the same as any other couple where one goes back to study or quits work to start up a business. That needs the support of both parties.

missperegrinespeculiar · 09/11/2019 11:30

The idea that somebody could have a career in academia these days without drive or ambition is a bit ridiculous though, isn't it?

a statistic I was reading sometime ago said that only about 20% of PhDs manage to secure a permanent job in academia (of course, there are some differences by subject areas), so simply by having a permanent job he is in the top 20% of his profession, more or less

academia is extremely competitive and quite hard work with very high standards of expectations, plus, academics these days have to very proactively secure external funding in a very competitive environment

unless none of this applies to him given very specific circumstances, all you are complaining about is that he does not earn as much as you, aren't you?

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 11:31

@joffreyscoffees a lot of DIY :) we also didn't buy anything from big named brands- generally small internet companies ( I mean things like tiles etc)

OP posts:
CosmoK · 09/11/2019 11:31

Surely you will split things like nursery fees proportionally? That's what we do. My DH put twice as much in the bills account as me as his earns exactly twice as much.

WaddIelikeapenguin · 09/11/2019 11:32

My husband earned half what i did in our twenties, then he quit & I supported us for a couple of years while he set up his business- that business now supports us.
Marriage is teamwork not a competition.

PermanentTemporary · 09/11/2019 11:33

I see your concern but I'm finding your attitude quite difficult to cope with. It sounds as if an honest man who loves you, is hardworking and ambitious for his career to be as good as it can be, and who you can do major projects like house renovations with without breaking up, and who wants kids with you, AND who earns decent money as in well over the national average, isnt enough for you.

I mean...really?

There seems to be some deep anxiety in you about being the one who actually earns most and supports the family I get that it's not easy, I have done it myself for over a decade. If it is absolutely central to you that you earn the same or less than your partner, if that is the only way you can be comfortable in life,well, leave him. But maybe you could try some work, discussion and therapy about why being the main earner makes you so viscerally uncomfortable?

00100001 · 09/11/2019 11:34

i'm confused as to why you want him to earn more money.

it sounds like you want to be able to take time off work and have him pay for stuff, oie. sub you for that time... which suits you fine. But when he doesn't want to/can't earn the big bucks, its not OK for you to sub him? Confused

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 11:34

Exactly missperegrinespeculiar

Academia is so competitive but not as well paid as the private sector. However, the flexibility and autonomy can be fabulous which, for me, is worth more than money now we have a family.

Ambition doesn't always equal money

BritWifeinUSA · 09/11/2019 11:36

Can you not do the Master’s part-time and continue working part-time also?

But YABU to expect him to change and stop doing what he loves and what he is suited to just to fit in with your plans of starting a business. I am a high earner and my husband doesn’t work at all. But he contributes in many other ways. We never think of it as “my money covers this and that” or each having our own share of the bills - sounds more like flat mates than a married couple. What will you do if you have children? Send them out to work as soon as they can walk to cover their “share” of the bills?

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 11:36

Also, an academic generally earns between 40-50k so he's hardly earning pennies 🙄

Ditsythespider · 09/11/2019 11:37

I think you both sound like you fundamentally have very different priorities.
I don’t think either of you are unreasonable but I also don’t think either of you will change as you value things differently.

Your DH values his work place, job satisfaction and work life balance over financial income which is fine if you’re both on the same page.

You value having financial security and working hard to get it over your work / life balance which again is fine but you’re both on completely different pages.

Ultimately I guess it’s going to have to come down to compromise. It might be that he and you have to agree to live more cheaply so you can save up to start extra study, maybe he can agree to do some freelance work.
I think unless you find a compromise this is going to just lead to resentment on both sides.

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 11:38

The house was derelict when we bought itit was all we could afford and we thought we could do it up as we went along

So you bought a house. Knew it needed work. Knew he earned less and most of the money woild come from your earnings......and now moaning?

Really?

You would have your arse handed to you, if you were man.

And lots of people can only afford to take the paid mat leave off. You chose that position when you married someone who isnt as career focused as you.