Am I being unfair on my husband?

[Crowtakingabath]

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

You sound seriously money orientated where your DH not so much so. If I'm being honest you sound mismatched or you have changed the goal posts. I would think long and hard before bringing kids into this.

Also, an academic generally earns between 40-50k so he's hardly earning pennies

A fact the OP is studiously failing to address....

Can we have some perspective here, what does he do in academia that means he can only just cover half the household outgoings? Is the problem a low income, or excessive spending?

I can't believe people are describing an academic with a PhD as 'not career focussed'

Wow. I contribute roughly 10% of our household income. I'll just go and dig a hole in the garden and sit in it as I clearly have nothing to contribute to my family.

I can't believe people are describing an academic with a PhD as 'not career focussed'

Why? Having a PhD doesnt mean you then want to heavily pursue progressing your career. Or that you eventual ambition is to be a senior as possible as quickly as possible.

I know people with phds who are happy with their life work balance and no intention of unbalancing that.

Tbh I think YABU, for a number of reasons OP. Firstly, you undervalue his job / work in your words. I'm sure he picks up on that which can't be nice for him. He is doing a valuable and meaningful job. I don't know what your job is and I'm sure it has its value too, but just because our society places more financial value corporate commercial ventures doesn't mean that his work is in fact less valuable. Far from it in fact.

Secondly, doing an MA or something is a luxury which many people have to scrimp and save to do. It would be a family decision and you would both need to find a way to make it work if you both felt it was the right step. You don't sound as if you view the two of you as a team / family but as two single people living together (paying his share etc).

In a marriage you bring what you have to the table- savings, income, AND skills, contribution to managing the home, managing life admin, parenting, childcare etc as well as making an effort to care for one another. As long as he is doing his share OVERALL that's what matters. I earn far less than my DH, because I work with vulnerable people- a sector not valued by our capitalist society, whereas my DH works in the business world. He knows I work hard and he respects what I do. When he works long hours in the office I contribute by taking more of the load at home and managing our finances. Therefore we have a 50/50 split even though he earns more. We could still not manage without my income and it would be a big decision if one of us wanted to take a sabbatical.

Finally, it's seems obvious to me that if/when you have children your DH should be the SAHP. He will get good paternity rights in his role. Normally it would make sense for the higher earner to go back to work. You seem to assume you would be the one forced to stay at home, but that makes no sense.

Wow. I contribute roughly 10% of our household income. I'll just go and dig a hole in the garden and sit in it as I clearly have nothing to contribute to my family.

It's ok. My dp can keep you company apparantly he deserves to be in the hole with you as well.

Or better yet. We can all have a garden party

I wasted quite a lot of my early 30s being ambitious and chasing career advancement and what an absolute fucking waste of time it was, frankly.

Anyway - back to the point. OP, looks like you and your H want different things out of life here and if you both can't find a way of getting comfortable with that, the resentment will continue to grow and it will do a lot of damage.

You aren’t unreasonable to want financial stability. It’s something we all crave because it makes life so much easier for us.

But to expect him to climb the career ladder and to be someone that he clearly isn’t, is unreasonable. We don’t all get what we want in life and that’s the sad reality. There aren’t many people who could take a career break to do a masters or retrain and continue to live the same lifestyle while they do it. You need to make changes and adapt and that would apply to him too.

He's on less than £40k. I know this is still higher than the national average but I feel it's not fair compensation for his education and effort. We do have different priorities- I suppose I downplayed how important this could be.

@PermanentTemporary you've made a good point and a great summary of the situation to be honest. I suppose it's partially because I worry about everything a lot and the fact that we are so heavily reliant on my income makes me think we could lose our house if I was made redundant! I would feel the same if we were very reliant only on his income

another but it doesn't mean you lack ambition....it's a serious undertaking and requires a lot of dedication and drive. Working as an academic is hard work and you have to consistently produce results. Plus it's seriously competitive to get into. These days you won't get into academia or survive without being career driven.

It's the other way around in my relationship - DH and I have similar educational backgrounds, but I'm the academic while he's earning big bucks in the corporate sector

He supports me financially but I do far more of the childcare than him (including being a SAHM in the past, working part time etc). Would your DH be willing to do this if you have kids?

If you have a baby, as you've said, you'll have maternity leave druring which you'll be paid and have time to arrange reliable and experienced child care - but you're not pregnant yet!

I do understand the need for financial security but you do appear to be worrying in advance about issues which may either not happen or, if they do, are manageable.

For the record, I can think of two couples in your position whom I have known. One was a man who had quite a successful career in science who married a big business woman: they were happy, had children, enjoyed life (I've forgotten the other pair right now but they do exist :-).

Really, your husband sounds good and you probably complement each other very well but do examine your thoughts carefully and ask yourself if there is anything else in the relationship with which you not comfortable.

This sort of thing annoys the hell out of me, if genders were reversed it would be 'all money is family money' etc etc.

It's not like either of you are sitting on your arse doing nothing. He is contributing his salary, you are contributing yours. Surely that's all anyone wants? You're basically saying you are not happy that he isn't paying his 'half' but you want to take a career break and pay nothing at all? You see the flaw there? You're unhappy supporting him but want him to support you. That's a bit 1950's.

If you'd married him and he was a CEO and then he quit to work in McDs maybe you'd have a place to be annoyed from, but he hasn't changed who he is.

He's in academia, which can be very useful if you have a child for the hours work/quantity of holidays.

He's an academic with a PhD ...do you know how hard that is? The dedication that takes? There's no way you can do that without ambition and drive.

This. And it isn't a case that "Having a PhD doesnt mean you then want to heavily pursue progressing your career." Any career at all in academia is very, very difficult. There are far fewer postdoctoral places than there are people doing PhDs. You have to be ambitious just to get a job and stay in it, never mind progressing quickly. Sure it's possible the OPs DH is doing postdoc contract work rather than having a full time lectureship, but that on its own is difficult to achieve.

You married him knowing what he's like OP. You cannot expect someone to change in a marriage. They often do change, but not to your timetable and how you want them to. If you didn't like him how he is, you shouldn't have married him.

You didn't want a husband. You wanted a business partner

I think some of the replies here very unhelpful. Why shouldn’t OP consider further education? Her dh sounds selfish. He wants to spend her money, to live above HIS means.

CosmoK absolutely, flexibility is great when you have little ones!

Ditsythespider I disagree about work/life balance though I agree with the gist of what you are saying, again, academia is extremely hard work and very long hours, the University in my city, for example, has teaching hours that extend from 8am to 7pm, and as an academic you could be doing any of those, and they always change semester to semester

and teaching is only about a third of the work load, you then have research and administration, academics work in general very long hours, albeit with a higher degree of flexibility then other professions (You can do lots of tasks from home, for example), that said, when teaching is on you have to be there come fire or high water, there's no being sick or anything else!

He's on less than £40k. I know this is still higher than the national average but I feel it's not fair compensation for his education and effort. We do have different priorities- I suppose I downplayed how important this could be.

And not even contributing to half the outgoings?

There’s a really simple answer to your problem and it isn’t that DH needs a better paid job.

If he is on £40k and you are a higher earner then you have a decent household income.

I am the main breadwinner and so I do understand that pressure. There is nothing wrong with being ambitious either but you can only be ambitious for yourself. If your DH is moaning about work then you are entitled to say do something about it or stop whinging.

I am a high earner and the main breadwinner. One thing I would urge you to be careful about in your drive forward is lifestyle creep. You don’t recognise how much you are earning and how well off you are because you have started to label luxury and discretionary spending as necessities. Our DC go to private school, I might whinge about school fees to other fee payers, however objectively we are bloody lucky to be able to pay them and choosing to pay them doesn’t give us the right to claim we don’t have enough money or that we don’t get paid enough.

Academia .. nice, know a few of them

You've, i think, have married the wrong man do you really want to stay with him you don't seem to "value" him that much?.

MintyMabel we are very careful with our spending. I meant he wouldn't have covered half of everything we have had to do to the house in the last couple of years

He’s an academic with a PhD and a permanent contract . You don’t get there without commitment, ambition and ability. You mistook that for being motivated by money. His earnings are fine, his career is fine. You’re just unusually motivated by money and he isn’t.

But it isn't just about the money is it. Did he do his share of the d.i.y? Did he sit back and watch you pay for the materials and then watch you put them up? People contribute in all sorts of different ways.