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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair on my husband?

329 replies

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 10:49

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 09/11/2019 12:53

Most people I know couldn't afford to take time off for a Masters - they have done it in their spare time or with sponsorship (a contribution). from their employer. Most people I know also couldn't afford to lose their job and to live for too long on their savings. So why should you expect t to have the luxury of that?

A job is of course about financial reward and being able to live but there's much more to it than that. Lots of people in the public sector could earn more if they switched into the private sector. But thank god people are prepared to do jobs they find intellectually or socially rewarding.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 09/11/2019 12:55

You don't sound financially compatible. I do understand the anxiety about all aspects of spending. Mine all came true many years ago when my ex left when I was pregnant. We were equal earnings wise but suddenly a one income household - he didn't pay any maintenance. I adjusted and coped fine, in the way that thousands of others also cope with death, redundancy, divorce etc. Anticipation is invariably worse than reality. If you really love him and want a future with him (do you?) then all the rest can be resolved.

MoonlightBonnet · 09/11/2019 12:56

A lot of this is your problem. Your anxiety about money etc.

Glittertwins · 09/11/2019 12:58

Marriage should be a partnership. This relationship doesn't sound like it though. If DH is happy in his field of work and still brings in a reasonable income, why should he have to match you? Money doesn't buy happiness- my DH spent too long in a well paid job that saw him harassed, bullied and was prevented from doing his role properly.

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 12:58

you would like him to try the private sector. But it's not your career.
I have no desire to work in the private sector and would be pretty pissed off if my DH didn't respect my career and career decision making skills enough to understand that.

DowntownAbby · 09/11/2019 12:58

YABVU.

You imply that you're a high earner, yet, even though there are 2 of you splitting the bills you wouldn't be able to take anything more than company-paid maternity leave?

Why can't you save money?

Do you have a massive mortgage that you can't really afford?

Smelborp · 09/11/2019 13:00

He could afford to live on an academic salary, but maybe not with the same level of expenditure that you have now. There are areas where you can have a house and pay the bills on that salary so you’ve chosen together to be reliant on your income rather than live more modestly and in a way which is more resilient to income fluctuations. So for that reason I think YABU.

MamaGee09 · 09/11/2019 13:00

Yabu! Can you imagine a man coming on here and saying his wife was lacking in ambitions and doesn’t have as much drive as the husband... all hell would break loose on here!

Money isn’t everything, yes it helps but happiness is much more important, we have one very short life happiness should come above everything else!

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 13:05

@MamaGee09 it's not a toss up between happiness or money though is it?

There are people who are millionaires who love their jobs- people can have both. If this thread had been started by a man complaining about his wife I would have thought the same.

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 13:07

So your income is £2100.
Your bills are £1990.

His income is £2100. Hers is far more. Those Bill's cant be his portion.

feelingsinister · 09/11/2019 13:09

It sounds like you're incompatible and you should have discussed your attitudes to careers/money before you got married and bought a house together.

You clearly have different priorities and you really need to sit down and sort this stuff out before you even think about having children.

Do you love and respect him because you sound very cold towards him.

He's worked fucking hard to get a PhD and a job in academia and I'd be so proud and absolutely not questioning his ambition or drive. He isn't on a low income by any stretch.

Maybe you should be with someone who has a similar attitude to you.

Drabarni · 09/11/2019 13:10

You just sound incompatible where money and success are concerned.
You, obviously see them as the same, whereas your husband doesn't.

Are thirties really considered as young? You also seem to think as you get older you need to earn more, hence your statement despite being older he earns less.
I'm not sure I could be with someone who was so intent on pushing me to earn.
Maybe, he'll find someone who it doesn't matter to.

feelingsinister · 09/11/2019 13:14

Sorry for a second post but why do people not think about this shit before they commit?

My partner could probably be earning double what he does now if he changed sectors but he doesn't want to and I would never expect him to although more cash would be nice obviously.

I gave up a career that could have earned me a lot of money to do something that I felt was more worthwhile and rewarding. He's supportive of that, even when I was earning a very low wage.

I know that there are people that I would never be suited to because our priorities and values differ so actually I'd never consider a relationship with them.

Mydogmylife · 09/11/2019 13:16

You sound to me that you know the cost of everything but the value of nothing!
As it happens I was always the higher earner, but would never have devalued my husbands contribution to the household the way you are doing. If it had been the other way around and he had indicated that I needed to 'catch up to him' in the way you have I would have been devastated by his attitude.
I am also surprised that if you are so clued up on financial matters as you seem to think you are, you haven't already taken out redundancy /critical illness cover to ease your somewhat excessive worry re possible redundancy in the future.
Good luck for the future, and I hope you'll discover that a healthy bank balance is fabulous to have, but is not the bee all and end all of life.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 09/11/2019 13:16

This is who your husband is. You will not/should not try to change him. That would be unreasonable and terribly unfair. If you cannot accept that you need to leave whilst you are both young enough to start again. I have absolutely no doubt at all that you won’t be able to change him and should not try to.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 13:19

@feelingsinister I agree I should have realised this before getting married. We met when we were earning roughly the same amount and I didn't quite understand his earning potential at the time. By the time I did, we were already living together and I loved him so I felt as though it was a bit too late. I am now realising this is much more of an issue that I thought it would be.

As others have pointed out this is partially because I am prone to anxiety and I am extremely financially ambitious and my husband is the complete opposite in both these cases.

We get on fine on most other aspects. I suppose the question is how can I reach a compromise with him? Has anyone been in this position? Or will it just end in divorce?

OP posts:
Drabarni · 09/11/2019 13:22

I don't know anyone that can survive and n one salary

What a stupid comment, what about all those with a sahp?

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 13:24

By the time I did, we were already living together and I loved him so I felt as though it was a bit too late.

You dont live him now?
Why do people get married, when they dont know themseleves well enough to know what they find important and wethwe the person they are marrying will provide that.

saraclara · 09/11/2019 13:26

There are people who are millionaires who love their jobs- people can have both.

Those millionaires are happy because they're doing what they CHOSE to do. Someone being dragged away from their choice of job is unlikely to be happy in another that they've been forced to do.

OP, you really aren't listening to anyone. You're getting an almost unanimous answer to your question, but apparently we're all wrong. You have no empathy at all. Everyone should be like you, in your mind.

saraclara · 09/11/2019 13:28

I suppose the question is how can I reach a compromise with him? Has anyone been in this position?

Why should he compromise? Seriously?

What is wrong with you? He has chosen his work. It's what he wants to do. Why should he change because of your anxiety and disrespect for him?

PepePig · 09/11/2019 13:29

It's interesting how you keep skipping over the child element to this relationship. I'd like to hope you're much more transparent with him than you are us on this thread.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. But you need to be very clear with your partner and allow them to make their own choice on it. Being vague is manipulative behaviour designed to trap someone until it's "too late". It doesn't matter that he's a male in this scenario- he's still entitled the truth and an option to have a family.

From your last few posts it's clear that money is only scratching the surface of your problems. Do you love him, truly, unconditionally? Would you be happier with another man?

You need to be honest with yourself, and him. And be prepared for the fall out.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 13:29

@saraclara that's unfair.

I've acknowledged that I suffer with anxiety, I've looked up insurances. I don't think anyone is wrong but what is clear to be is that my husband and I have fundamentally different attitudes to money. A lot of people have to get by and I acknowledge that we're very fortunate to not have to be in that position but ultimately I don't want to 'cope' or 'get-by'. I want to be very comfortable even if we did have children. I suppose I have to decide on whether I am happy to push for that with my own career or whether we're too different to stay married

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 13:30

The only compromise here is that you deal with your anxiety.

Reduce joint outgoings. To take pressure off.

You give a list of Bill's. Thata not his bills, though is it?

You cant possibly be spending £200 per month on internet. Even £100 is excessive.

Kisskiss · 09/11/2019 13:30

YABU because he was this way when you met him and married him. If your household income bothers you that much, maybe change yours? To put it bluntly, it’s pretty harsh having a spouse telling you that you aren’t earning enough for their liking.

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 13:31

Some of these responses are rather unfair. Someone on £38k post tax and student loans brings in about £2100/ month. Mortgage is £1350/month, council tax £150, petrol £200, gas and electricity £100, phones and internet £100, water £40, insurances £50. Doesn't include food. And no, we don't have a remotely huge house. We're just in the southeast

Why have you given his wage and then listed all bills?