Am I being unfair on my husband?

[Crowtakingabath]

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

Crikey DH and I work in higher education though I am recently retired. You do realise that what you earn is so much more than almost all people in this country and even what your DH is currently earning is decent.

DH would have earned far more in industry, it’s a science subject some of his friends are on well over 100k plus but he loves teaching and research and has contributed to projects that have helped save lives.

A temporary contract is a source of stress though, that is the only part of your post that is even remotely ok the rest is very unreasonable.

If you are only basing love on someone’s financial capacity to earn well that’s an awful way to value people. It’s not like he is dossing about doing nothing is it.

On divorce all assets will be split 50/50 plus you will live alone whilst trying to find Mr 100k plus so all bills will be down to you.

Your best course of action is to get your anxiety treated, use some of your income to seek out a decent therapist.

Yes, you need to divorce if you are that financially incompatible and it's not working as it is. Either that or you decide to live within his means where you both contribute exactly 50%. And you do this willingly, without moaning and putting pressure on him to earn more. You can save the rest of your money.

I say this because I feel sorry for him. He's obviously under pressure to "perform". Poor bloke.

You are fundamentally incompatible. He wants a stress free, more laid back life. You want to change him to be a motivated, ambitious person. Maybe mentally he couldn't cope in the cut throat world that you thrive in.

If you can't accept him for who he is, who he was when you got married, then yes, you need to divorce.

Neither of you are wrong in your attitudes by the way. But you are wrong for trying to change him and wanting him to be something he isn't.

😂😂😂😂 at the idea a career in academia is stress free and laid back

But to him it might be compare to what the op wants him to do. It's all relative.

It is and it isn't....it's not a job where you just coast, work your 9-5 and switch off.

To insinuate that he's looking for an easy life is disingenuous.

YA so aaBU - hoping he will change and 'catch up' with you and the constant 'what if, what if' obsession with moe y

agree with CosmoK - DH has always said the REF is like a spa day

Myrtle 😂😂

You sound completely incompatible and you seem to want him to do all the changing. In a functional relationship, you would be planning to deal with your anxieties around financial insecurity. We are living in an era where job security and financial security are hard to come by - that is normal and we all have to learn to deal with it. It isn't easy, but it's a fact of life. You aren't exempt from this.

You also seem to have a very rigid model of what life 'ought' to be life - that won't serve you well. Stuff happens. People develop illness or have accidents. People get made redundant. And private school really isn't an essential. Flexibility is a survival trait.

He wants a stress free, more laid back life. You want to change him to be a motivated, ambitious person. Maybe mentally he couldn't cope in the cut throat world that you thrive in.

Joining in with the although mainly because there's no eyeroll emoticon and my eyerolling muscles are tired. Terry Pratchett describes Unseen University in one of the early Discworld books. There, the wizards have realised that the only way to gain a promotion is to kill someone above you in the hierarchy. Sometimes it didn't feel that far from the truth when I was in academia.

Career progression depends on publications and publications are peer reviewed. It's particularly fun when someone who could be competing with you for a job gets to decide whether or not something of yours should be published, especially if it's a single blind review so they know who you are but you don't know them. Academics are amongst the most intelligent people out there and when they start being nasty they are particularly good at it. Then add in the long hours, never switching off, and having to get external funding that not only funds your own job but full economic costs i.e. several tiers of admin as well. The idea that it involves coasting along and being unambitious is just so far from the truth it's gone beyond laughable into piteous.

It depends on what you want surely. My brother and his wife have what some would say is an 'old fashioned' set up i.e only he works, is a Maths teacher on £50,000 a year and she is a SAHM to their four children, ranging in ages from 9, 7, 6 and 2.

My brother being very mathematically orientated saves much of what he earns, they only spend £100 a week on groceries, they have 2 cars and manage to go on holiday once a year. He prefers that his wife remains at home and keeps up with the running of the household and child rearing, and she even more so. They are very happy with their set up and I don't think it's likely to ever change.

I suppose the crux of your problem is that you are not happy with the arrangement and would like your husband to be a higher earner, despite it sounding like that's not really a feasible option for him.

You mentioned the possibility of returning to your studies and how he wouldn't be able to support that financially - in that case I would say you would need to save your own money for it well ahead.

If he has a PHD how much higher can he get (skill-wise) anyway? Some people prefer to enjoy life and not be on the hamster wheel of getting promotions all the time. There is nothing wrong with being ambitious, but time goes by so very quickly, and you reach your 40s and realise you haven't really lived, you've been so pre-occupied with climbing higher up the greasy pole that life has passed you by. What is important is doing something you like, even if it doesn't have promotion prospects. Life is about living, not spending your life chasing the next promotion continuously. If he genuinely wanted a change in direction, he'd do it. Happiness is more important than climbing the greasy pole.

Are you being unreasonable to dictate his career ? Yes of course!

I can't change what I value anymore than someone can change whether they like pink over blue.

Yes, you can. One can change their values, morals and priorities after having a damascus moment and valuing happiness, family, life over money. Valuing money is not a 'value', on the contrary. It an anti-value, of sorts. This isn't like do you prefer pink over blue. As there is no moral message in that. You seem very unsettled, and never happy with what you have. You seem materialistic, greedy, money-hungry. People like yourself can change, can see the error of their ways. As in movies, scrooges/competitive people always wanting more and more in real life can get a reality check, a tribulation, and can change.

If you are unable to change your values, then I pity your husband, and you should let him go and find someone who accepts him for who he is, someone who is satisfied like him. Not a wife who is unsettled and never satisfied with what they have, always wanting more. If you 'value' money and blind ambition and promotions over family (I don't mean children, I mean family as in you and DH as a family unit - just in case someone accuses me of thinking all women should want children), then I think that is very sad. Very sad indeed, and you may end up all alone reached the top, with no one to share it with. Too late then, to realise what you gave up in your pursuit of more and higher, just for the sake of it.

I hope for your sake (and your DH's sake - he sounds lovely, DON'T throw him away!) that you wake up and have a reality check, and recalibrate your 'values'. Because if you don't love your DH - love him for him, his personality, his company, if you throw all that away for superficial materialistic ambitious nonsense, you will regret it in the long run, you really will.

*I just can't get over you thinking £38k is a rubbish salary.

You live in a privileged bubble.*

Yes, Teachermaths, People who are overly ambitious and materialistic are never quite satisfied with what they have, or their position, always wanting more. For many people, they'd be content with a salary like that. They are the ones who find happiness in good colleagues, good food, good friendships, good relationships and family. When you have that value system, as her DH appears to have, you are not continuing to chase money and climbing the greasy pole. The more higher up some people go, and the more money they have, the more they live in their own little world, their own bubble. It's sad, and I hope the OP has an epiphany and changes.

I don't see that I should be happy with my lot.

That's the problem. You are so incredibly privileged and you are not happy. You are not grateful for anything in your life. The sad thing is, you will never be truly really happy. Because you think happiness comes from more and more money and climbing the pole. Where as your husband, like 99% of people, realise happiness comes from within, it comes not from what position your hold or how much money you have, it comes from family, relationships, hobbies, satisfaction in just life. You don't understand. You're the one who needs to change. Not your DH. You sound very unhappy within yourself. You will never be happy with whatever you have.

You need to tread very carefully with an attitude like this OP. I could have been you 5 years ago. Dh with a PHD earning below what I thought he should be earning.
I earned more and felt resentful that all my friends DH's were on my money and that his lack or ambition would stop us ever having a lovely big house and exotic holidays etc.
I was putting pressure on him in subtle ways. Making comments about how bad his company were, and how he 'deserved more' I always made out it was him who 'deserved more' but actually he was happy and I was being greedy and selfish.
Anyway I destroyed his self confidence without even realising it. In the end he got a payrise but also suffered from serious depression for a number of years in a role he didnt feel comfortable in. This lead to addictions and general ill health and inability to function.
He then lost his job completely and now earns half of what he earned before, having started his own business. He is loving what he does and is happy and I have finally realised what an amazing husband I have. One day as his business picks up I'm sure he will earn more but that is completely down to him. I will never push or pile the pressure on again and we live within our means and are very happy.
Dont underestimate how destructive an attitude like you currently have can be on someone close to you.

The sad thing is, you will never be truly really happy. Because you think happiness comes from more and more money and climbing the pole.

I don't think that's fair necessarily. Some people have an idea of where they want to get to in their career- head of department, head of organisation, whatever. When they get there they might stay in that job for years being content with their achievement and financially secure.

We don't know from the OP's posts that her DH is a paragon of inner peace either. Some people hate themselves for being perennial underachievers and financially insecure, but also do nothing about it, so they aren't a fantastic example of finding happiness.

What we do know is that the OP and her DH sound incompatible. The question is, does the OP accept the fact he will never change and love him for who he is, or break up and move on.

YABVU. He has a degree and works in a highly noble profession, he isn’t slogging away in McDonald’s for NMW ffs.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want what you want, you're clearly materialistic and money-oriented and there's nothing wrong with that. That's how you are, you want lots of money, you're very ambitious and that's fine, you don't have to change.

However, you're obviously very unreasonable to demand the same of your husband. He equally doesn't have to change to 'match you'. You're clearly very different people and don't seem to suit each other. If you stay together, and he doesn't change (and he doesn't have to!) you'll end up resenting him. If he does change - he'll obviously end up resenting you. You need another man, more money/career oriented.

Please don't bring children into such mix. I grew up with the parents like that. Father earned six figures, mother's a teacher. He hated her for it and always treated her as a loser and a sponger. She stayed with him for the money, status and lifestyle. Fuck them both, but it was horrible for us, children.

It is how I am. I can't change what I value anymore than someone can change whether they like pink over blue.

Same goes for your DH, no?

Yes. Not everyone is suited to high paying corporate jobs. Some people do just want to be teachers

JUST want to be teachers?! Why JUST a teacher? And where does it say that her husband is a teacher? It says he works in academia.....

just a teacher ffs......

Plus he’s an academic....very, very different.

Actually when I was talking about teaching, it was a reference to my own life. Lots of people felt I was wasting talent and education by becoming a teacher and that I should aim "higher" and get a better paid job.

You sound very dissatisfied with him if you felt this strongly why didn’t you marry a banker or corporate lawyer? When I was looking for a husband I made sure I didn’t go on a second date with anyone I knew I wouldn’t want a future with - eg guy who was Australian as knew I didnt want to live there or have an unhappy dh pining to live there. Sadly turned down son of one of richest families in England in favour of dh am hopeless as a gold digger