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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair on my husband?

329 replies

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 10:49

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Socksey · 09/11/2019 11:59

"Academia is hardly a low paying job. If he's been there a decade, he'll be on £45-£55k."

If only that were true.... unless in one of the top unis and at senior lecturer level (unlikely after 10 years unless he's absolutely brilliant in his field)... he's more likely to be on around £35k.... he's in his early 30s so less than 10 years post doc... if graduated at 21 and then 4 years to PhD... then another few years as Post Doc so likely to be in the low to mid part of the lecturer grade.... he should be on £40k ish by the time he's 40 and unless he brings in substantial research money is unlikely to ever be promoted beyond SL...

Selmababies · 09/11/2019 12:02

I think you're both financially over committed or over spending regularly, if he can only just about manage to contribute half of the bills.
Your combined income must be in the region of 100K? It's lot of money! Maybe you both need to budget better? I'd be tempted to match his salary in the joint money pot, and to save your additional salary for the future. This could be used for nursery fees, or extended maternity leave, or some other reason such as lowering the mortgage.

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 12:02

I'm an academic on 45k....I don't work at a top uni bit I am a senior lecturer. It really does vary hugely

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 12:03

it's a serious undertaking and requires a lot of dedication and drive. Working as an academic is hard work and you have to consistently produce results. Plus it's seriously competitive to get into. These days you won't get into academia or survive without being career driven.

To me thata not career driven. Career driver would be driving your career forward. Based on what's best for you career. As a primary focus

I know exactly what it takes to be a PhD. Its very difficult. Having a phd, doesnt mean that later your career is your main focus. It may have been when you did it.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 12:04

@Socksey this is a lot more reflective of the reality. Realistically our outgoings will probably grow (if having children) and I don't want either of us in the long run to feel as though we would be out of our home if we lost our job. That's a lot of pressure on a person.

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 09/11/2019 12:05

You can't change a person's character in such a fundamental way. You could nag/persuade him out of the type of position he is suited to and make him very miserable. If he is in academia you are fortunate to be in a position of two professional incomes coming in regardless of whether he earns less than you. You sound far more career driven and say you have no intention of wanting to leave the career ladder so if you started a family you would be able to plan accordingly. Save a cushion first. Then you take off the minimum time necessary. The higher earner definitely returning to full time work then you consider the child care options. Baby could go into full time nursery as many others do or as he's less career driven maybe he could go part time at first. Definitely doable. But if you try to force him into a mould of your making you might end up with more problems than you started with.

happytoday73 · 09/11/2019 12:05

You need to be a team. You can't pressure him into matching you... That's your issue not his. I say this as someone who used to be level pegging with my husband but now earns significantly more. With my first child I took 6 months maternity but still earned more. I don't begrudge his wage or think it's inadequate... Just usual vague wishing for lottery win to clear mortgage or alike.. But think everyone would like that.

However him taking local less well paid jobs now we have kids means he does the lion share of drop offs, child sickness cover and day to day house stuff. This enables me to do my job and earn my wage. We are team.
Can't rely on always having two equal wages... Accidents, ill health and company closures can throw significant kerb balls into your life that means you really do both need to work as team, clear debt and live frugal.

DarkDarkNight · 09/11/2019 12:05

He's a very intelligent person with a good degree and PhD so I suppose I thought we were aligned

But those things don’t make you ambitious to climb the corporate ladder or motivated by the need to constantly increase his salary. Some people work to live and not the other way around.

It sounds like you didn’t discuss long-term career aspirations at all, nothing in your original post suggests he told you he would leave academia to pursue a better paid job.

He has a good wage in his own right by national standards. You are a partnership and in my view finances should be shared. It must be quite grating for him when you talk about how you paid for house renovations. His financial contribution is important and should be valued.

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 12:05

Why epild he pay half the Bill's if OP erams significantly more.

I thought the idea of contributing proportions was the most popular way to do things to be fair.

MostlyHappyMummy · 09/11/2019 12:05

How much more than him do you earn? 10% of his salary, 50% of his salary, 100% of his salary?

What kind of monthly outgoings can't be paid from a salary of just under £40k where there are no childcare costs? That income must be about £2.5k per month?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 09/11/2019 12:06

Why are your outgoings so high?

MyGoodTimes · 09/11/2019 12:07

Income protection insurance is for this exact purpose. YABU to be so critical of your DH. It's not his fault you earn more than him.

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 12:08

But it's difficult to be successful in academia without being career driven. A PhD is only one element of that. You have to consistently produce research, publish and contribute original knowledge....and that's before you even start dealing with teaching and students.
Believe me it's not a career you enter unless you have drive.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 12:10

Our outgoings aren't very high. I don't want to get into the details but we save. We also overpay our mortgage significantly. However, if something unfortunate happened to me at any point (aside from a master's break) he couldn't cover the mortgage and bills on his own at the moment. This creates anxiety for me even though we are trying to cushion against it as much as possible. I know a lot of people live with this uncertain but I feel that we don't have to if it weren't for his insistence on staying where he is.

OP posts:
M3lon · 09/11/2019 12:12

wow. Glad I'm not like you OP.

My DH has nowhere the earning power I do and I don't give a crap. We are a team.

LucileDuplessis · 09/11/2019 12:13

However, if something unfortunate happened to me at any point he couldn't cover the mortgage and bills on his own at the moment

OP, I think maybe you are worrying too much. Surely the above is true for nearly all dual-income households? Maybe you should take out life insurance and critical illness cover if this is bothering you a lot.

SunshineAngel · 09/11/2019 12:13

Look, at the end of the day, people "cope" on all kinds of salary. If something did happen to mean your income had to stop, you'd cope. You can't make someone get a job that they don't want just so that YOU can go off and study at some point. If you want to do that, save enough to cover the earning gap yourself.

Sorry but you are being incredibly selfish. If you didn't like him for the way he was and the ambition he had, you should never have married him.

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 12:14

Would you prefer he worked in a job he hates just so he could earn more money? That shows you value his earning potential over his happiness.
How awful

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2019 12:15

I suppose it's partially because I worry about everything a lot and the fact that we are so heavily reliant on my income makes me think we could lose our house if I was made redundant! I would feel the same if we were very reliant only on his income

This is your actual problem. What if you both lost your jobs? You seem to think that the answer to full financial security is his earning potential. It isn't. It's about having clear spending and saving priorities and knowing that you are both working together to do the best for your family as a whole. If you have children, even more so, because so much is unpredictable. You won't lose your house, but you might have to sell it and move somewhere smaller, if things work out badly.

You need to stop thinking about these things as if you are separate financial units rather than as a family working together.

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 12:16

So he pays proportionally towards the Bill's.

You (both you and him) choose to save a lot and choose to over pay your mortgage. But moaning he doesnt pay half.

Then moaning he could eat this on his own.

Reduce your outgoings.

Savings are a bill. That's there to help you. Reduce your mortgage payment to its usual amount or at least stop over pay g ai much.

Tberes so much you could do, to make this less stressful but your are choosing options that put pressure on then moaning about his wage

Vanhi · 09/11/2019 12:16

I don't want either of us in the long run to feel as though we would be out of our home if we lost our job. That's a lot of pressure on a person.

But if you live on your own, you just live with this knowledge day in, day out. It sounds to me as if you're very anxious about things which might not happen. You're trying to guard against these things by saving, which is great. You are both much, much better off than the majority of the population. Try to chill out and enjoy what you have, instead of worrying about what might never happen.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/11/2019 12:19

Most dual income families are in exactly the same position that if one income suddenly went the other one wouldn't cover the outgoings. That is because most people's mortgages and bills are based on a combination of both incomes rather than just the one income with the other income for saving/fun stuff.

00100001 · 09/11/2019 12:20

"However, if something unfortunate happened to me at any point (aside from a master's break) he couldn't cover the mortgage and bills on his own at the moment. "

Well that's a decision you both made, You;re mortgage and bills must be FUCKING HUGE if you can't cover it on £40k... :/ why is it all of a sidden a problem now you want to take a break??

We can cover the mortgage, bills, life etc on the lower salary if needs be - we made sure of that before committing to the mortgage. and whilst we're lucky enough to have two incomes coming in we over pay mortgae, save, do work on house etc. But if it came ot the crunch, the lower salary would enable us to live (With a few changes, eg not going out to dinner as much, cancelling certain subscriptions)

MyGoodTimes · 09/11/2019 12:22

@Crowtakingabath
Take out income protection insurance and mortgage protection insurance. These will cover your bills and mortgage if you are unable to work or lose your job.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 12:24

Some of these responses are rather unfair. Someone on £38k post tax and student loans brings in about £2100/ month. Mortgage is £1350/month, council tax £150, petrol £200, gas and electricity £100, phones and internet £100, water £40, insurances £50
Doesn't include food. And no, we don't have a remotely huge house. We're just in the southeast.

OP posts:
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