Am I being unfair on my husband?

[Crowtakingabath]

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

Honestly, you need to tell your DH exactly how you feel about him and his career and your ambivalence about having kids. Because he needs to be given the opportunity to leave you. If he read this thread I’d be amazed if he didn’t question whether he should stay with you.

@Hefzi has hit the nail on the head.

You're absolutely outraged that a poster insinuated that you might end up cheating on your partner because you're unsatisfied and forever becoming less and less tolerant of him. This is not a ridiculous presumption. It does happen. You should not take a holier-than-thou moralistic standpoint to this, simply because you've made a thread online about your husband's 'failures' and how you're annoyed at him for these.

You fail to look at his good points and how they hugely override his 'lack' of a 'good' pay, in your eyes. You have made no mention of abusive tendencies, so one can only assume he is kind, considerate and supportive. All great qualities. A PhD in the STEM field is a great achievement all on it's own, but similarly, I don't think any human being should be talked down because of their career. Someone who's a banker, to someone who works part time in a shop, should all be treated with the same amount of respect, and their contribution should be valued the same.

It's clear to everyone on this thread you don't value him, or indeed love him. You describe your marriage like a transaction. You've failed to be explicitly clear regarding children. All you want is for your husband to change to suit what you deem acceptable.

He's to uproot a job he's held for 10 years. He's to work in an entirely different sector. He's to try to match your earnings. This is an entirely unacceptable ask of anyone. Every human is entitled to choose their own career and how far it develops. It is not for you to decide.

Start respecting what you have. A partner who earns a good wage in a respectable field. A partner who clearly loves you and wants a family with you.

Or would you genuinely prefer to throw that all away to move on with a man who works in finance who has huge bonuses? Who might never be home? Who might be abusive? Money really isn't everything. The sooner you see that, the better.

It doesn't sound as though you like or respect your husband very much, or as though you view yourselves as a team.

It sounds as though sorting out some insurance would help with the anxiety you have about it.

It also sounds as though you and your husband need to work out what your shared goals are, and if they are compatible enough for you both to live with them. From what you've said here, it sounds as though they might not be, and if either of you does want kids, it's probably best to work that out sooner rather than later.

I think it's good that you have the self-awareness to recognise that money is important to you and that you need a high income to feel happy and secure. But what's completely absent from your posts is a sense of being part of a team, or part of a family.

My DH earns considerably more than I do. When our children were young I was a SAHM and didn't earn anything. Now I earn about 10% of what he does. I do the lion's share of childcare, family admin etc. He doesn't love his job, but our overall work/life balance works for us both at the moment. If it didn't/doesn't, we will change it - that might mean I step into a higher earning role/take on more work, or it might mean that we adjust our lifestyle to live on a reduced income. But we keep talking about it and we both value the contribution the other one makes to our family life.

Whilst they languished in a job that does provide even half our required income.

For fucks sake, "languishing"??
The man is in a well respected (by most people anyway!) professional job. OP may think her DH is a slacker but I have friends who are in academia and they have to work bloody hard to maintain their position, it's intensely competitive nowadays. When did dedicating yourself to becoming an expert in your chosen field, the pursuit of knowledge and sharing that knowledge become something to be sneered at?

I'm assuming that without the overpaying on the mortgage and the saving that the bills would be much less, and the dh could make a bigger contribution to them.
If you are unhappy with a partner then almost anything they do will annoy you, I suppose.

I would be quite proud to have a husband who worked as an academic, far more so than one in the corporate sector.

I'm on the opposite side of this. My dh makes 70k and I make 30k. All money goes into the same pot and we spend out of it. My dh doesn't care as my career will never bring in the money that his does. There are extremely limited opportunities for promotion and even at the top top top I'd only make around 43k. I'm glad my dh isn't resentful. If he made less we wouldn't be able to afford the lifestyle we have. Does this mean I'm not pulling my weight? No, bc I work full time and if it was just me I wouldn't be living this lifestyle, I'd be living a cheaper one and that would also suit me. There's a lot that you can bring to a relationship and I don't think money is the most important one. I hope I bring enough other things to the relationship that my dh won't resent me.

And "financially ambitious" means never being happy with how much you earn, always wanting more. It's not a good trait to have, and doesn't lead to happiness.

I think you may well be right. So by definition if you are financially ambitious you will never achieve the security that you want....

Exactly Teateaandmoretea.

Marrying someone, then planning to making them pay half of the bills instead of proportionately, to leave them skint to try and force a change in them because you want more out of your lot...

Is verging on financial abuse.

Marrying someone, then planning to making them pay half of the bills instead of proportionately, to leave them skint to try and force a change in them because you want more out of your lot...

Is verging on financial abuse

Absolutely.

I wouldn't normally say something quite as blunt as this, but I think your husband deserves better. Maybe you should set him free.

I don't think I have ever seen a thread where so many posters were in agreement that any sympathy should be with the DH and not the OP.

Surely you knew this before marrying him though???

I haven't RTFT I got to about page 2 and got pissed off. Mine and my DH's joint finances are probably less than your DH's and we have 2 kids. It isn't easy, but we manage. The kids are fed and happy. How the hell do you think all the families that earn half what you do on double income survive?

Wow. Leave your husband so he can be with someone who respects him please.

Your DH is not on £38k. Lecturers' salaries start ar £31-34k in every university. There are then pay increments in every university. So even without any promotions, it would be absolutely impossible for him to be on less than £42k. Unless you mean his pay after tax, in which case you are being misleading.

YABU what's more important money or happiness? Always live within your means and what's the problem. You sound very demanding, and disregards what he wants. Just because he doesn't earn your level of salary doesn't make him any less competent at his job. If he is happy you should be happy. You say he wants to start his own business, but if he lacks the support, courage and backing to start his own business then look at yourself. As his wife you should be that support.
If I were you I would have a sit down talk about what you both want put of this relationship as you sound like you're on completely different pages

You need to do what everyone else I know who had done a Masters with an already established career has done - do it part time or do it in the evenings while still working full time. It will be hard and take longer but if you’re that ambitious you’ll do it.

I have a couple of friends who did their PhDs while working full time. It took a good while but they did it because they needed the money from full time work.

What does financially ambitious mean? Why does it mean so much to you? I am financially ambitious and a high earner. I had an unstable childhood and it gives me a sense of security. However, I full recognise that it is my thing - it is fulfilling my need. My DH contributes in other ways.
One book that really helped me get perspective was
Your Money or Your Life , 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence: Revised and Updated for the 21st Century www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0143115766/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_3s9XDbPBPE95S?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Is HE feeling undervalued by his employees?

Or are you just projecting?

Not everyone has the same drive as you but you sound fanatical. If you have children please don’t project this pressure onto them.

At some point everything you’ve worked for will implode. And yes, sometimes you do have to be happy with your lot. The pressure you put on yourself and your husband isn’t healthy. You are never going to be happy and whilst it’s fine to strive for more sometimes you have to draw a line and take a moment to see what’s right in front of you.

Unless you mean his pay after tax, in which case you are being misleading.

OP did say after tax in one of her posts.

If its 38k after tax thats a huge amount

Also doesnt add up to the £2100 take home pay she quoted.

£38,000 after tax suggests top of the senior lecturer scale, which is £59k. (assuming pension deductions).

This is OP's reference to £38k and tax

Someone on £38k post tax and student loans brings in about £2100/ month

I read that as "someone on £38k takes home about £2100 ppm after accounting for tax and student loans.

However, I remain surprised that someone so financially driven and ambitious as the OP, which a focus on financial security and an anxiety about 'what if...' appears to only have heard of insurance via this thread....

When did dedicating yourself to becoming an expert in your chosen field, the pursuit of knowledge and sharing that knowledge become something to be sneered at?

It's been happening gradually in the UK over the last 20-30 years IMO. I realise your question was probably rhetorical but actually it is happening in the UK now and I think explains much of the mess we're in. Academics are sneered at and undervalued. You can see it in the reactions to how "little" he's paid. It's still a lot more than the national average, but a lot less than many private sector jobs.

It's those same academics who have quite consistently given warnings about this current government and what it is up to so it pays for the same government to undermine experts. Can't have experts being respected when those experts point out that you're shit at your job and thick.

Lecturers' salaries start ar £31-34k in every university. There are then pay increments in every university. So even without any promotions, it would be absolutely impossible for him to be on less than £42k. Unless you mean his pay after tax, in which case you are being misleading.

He's not a lecturer. He's on a 3-5 year contract and I can understand the OP not wanting to be more specific than that. From the sounds of it he's doing postdoctoral research. From ads I see, 38k is a realistic salary as a postdoc. I don't really see the point in picking holes in people's stories for various reasons. The OP may well be fudging details to keep this less recognisable - I know I do.

To be fair if pp said 38k after tax that different to 38k