Am I being unfair on my husband?

[Crowtakingabath]

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

He shouldn't be paying 50% though, it should be proportionate according to income.

Many posts on MN from women who are the lower earners upset that partners expect them to be paying 50% of bills and they are always told that isn't right.

How high are your bills if he can't afford them on £35000/£40000 a year? Whose idea are the expenses? Would he be happy with a less extravagant lifestyle? Maybe you need to reduce your spending so that he can afford 50%

OP is now hanging on to the children aspect, to prove herself reasonable

She isnt that fussed

What she means is he doesnt earn enough for what she wants. Bug savings over pay on mortgage

Another person who got married not realising that ita also about joining finances. Wanta marriage but still wants to view their income as theirs only

What are your plans around having children? Have you discussed how you would arrange childcare? Maybe dh can be the more hands on parent .... sounds like he wants them more than you anyway, which is a bit of a worry in itself.

You sound grabby OP. You realise people have children while earning a lot less and they still manage to give them a good life.

he doesn't seem to have any ideas! I don't know if it's that he's naive enough to think that children don't cost a lot, or he thinks that we'll somehow manage anyway. I just feel that he subconsciously relies on my income for a lot of his plans- such as children.

Then I think you and he need to sit down, lay out the finances now and future finances and talk about it.

Can't have kids if you can't afford kids imo

this is why I think money topics are very personal and change according to different people. We have joint bills of £2k. If he wants children and that costs £1200 in nursery fees a month, he would have about £300-£400 left after groceries. He also has commuting costs that need to come out of there. This is fine.

It's not so fine if you add a second child in there or if we ever wanted to send them to private school or get them private tutors.

I appreciate this is very much a first world problem but ultimately just because millions of people have it a lot worse, I don't see that I should be happy with my lot.

So you're 'ambivalent' about children but you're now creating a future scenario of two privately schooled children all to boost your viewpoint that he doesn't earn enough for you. anotherlongdrive was correct I think in asserting your pivoting to the children argument to cover the inherent snideness in your view of your DH.

@myrtleWilson
I am ambivalent about children but my husband isn't. He is the one that pushes for children and he is the one that pushes for 2.

I have said that I would like to aim to send them to private school if we did have them but to be fair even if we didn't, we would still need to pay for nursery.

I earn close to double what my DH earns. He is on close to the UK average, and this is unlikely to change.

He is not career minded nor does he want to chase salary. I am happy with this as I just want him to feel happy with his job, as I believe that is massively more important that an extra X amount more per month.

I am currently pregnant with our first child and looking at childcare expenses, this extra amount will be paid more by me than him.

This does not bother me at all, as its joint money at the end of the day. I don't see what he does as worthy of less money; therefore if my career happens to be higher paid I am happy to share that with him.

I think you fundamentally have a different view on careers, as he is quite happy where he is (not progressing) yet you cannot understand someone who would not want to 'better' themselves and instead settle.

At the end of the day I feel like the financial side is almost an extension of that but your real problem is your opposing ambitions.

OP, I think posters are being very harsh.

I can certainly see your concerns.

Some people are happy to be the higher earner however, not everyone is.

Some people think it's ok that they are in the high pressured job whilst their partner stays in their lower paying position because that's what they are happier doing.

This often works for women with families, as the women might be the primary caregiver and organiser in the home.

OP's partner is not particularly ambitious, doesn't contribute half and may not increase his earnings into the future.

He also would like a family, for which he will not pay half.

So going forward OP is a little 🤔 about him not paying half and not creating opportunities where he might be able.

She's also thinking 🤔about funding having a child, maternity leave, funding the unexpected stuff that can happen in life, like a child with challenges, having to go straight back to work.

I think the OP sounds like a woman with her head screwed on bloody straight.

She's thinking ahead and trying to imagine how things might play out.

Why? Because if she's the main earner, whom it's all left to, to figure out, she'll be the one whom will have to fix things if it goes tits up.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail is a great life saying when it comes to finances.

I would have zero interest in being with someone who was prepared to leave it to me to be chief financial provider, chief organiser, child producer, and general fixer in every situation.

Whilst they languished in a job that does provide even half our required income.

OP, continue to think long and hard.

I definitely think a good hard look at your your finances, 50/50 contributions - and how that would look is a start.

Do not even contemplate having a child together without being brutally honest with yourself and your husband.

Women in my experience, usually carry the organising load in the family.

I'd be damned before I would do that and the financial load.

It's a recipe for major dissatisfaction IME.

💐

It's not so fine if you add a second child in there or if we ever wanted to send them to private school or get them private tutors.

Well you do what everyone else does and wait until your first child is 3 before having another. Then the first will start school before maternity/ shared parental leave is finished.

You don't even know that you want one child and the vast majority go to state schools rather than private 🤷🏻‍♀️, have you had a particularly privileged upbringing?

I think you need to sit down and work out if you are compatible. Your DH sounds like a normal bloke to me with to me normal life expectations.

I don't see that I should be happy with my lot.

Wow

I disagree with you billy her DH has a normal, well paid job. He isn't dossing around playing on his xbox all day.

Sorry what is this about? It’s a dual-earner household with an academic and a person in industry which is covering this equally roughly or proportionately to salary and managing to save? Is that it? What’s the problem?

I’m an academic. It’s bloody competitive, requires a PhD to just start at the bottom and I am massively ambitious. I have my own research agenda, an international reputation, and v happy with my progression. Salary £60k will grow to £75k one day but never more. How’s that not ambitious? He is presumably lower on the scale of promotions than me and will climb up? What exactly is your problem? Jesus Christ.

OP, stop pretending like you want children, it's so clear that you don't. It's also very clear you haven't told your partner that you don't and you're stringing him along until you can decide whether you want to stay with him or not.

The stuff about nurseries and private schools are a smokescreen. You're purposely making having children to be ridiculously expensive so you can justify complaining about your husband and making it his problem you "can't" have kids because of his wage.

Just admit you've checked out. Money isn't something you'll get over. Stop blaming him- this is on you.

I don't see that I should be happy with my lot.

Well then, you will never be happy. You will always be chasing more.

@PepePig you seem to be overly interested in whether I want children or not. I am ambivalent. I am neither against them nor for them. People like me do exist.

I agree with everything Pepepig just said.

Op if you don't want children then you need to tell your DH now. You have to give him the opportunity to leave and find someone else to have children with.

If you do have children and you want them privately educated then you need to pay for it.

Tbh you seem to have very expensive tastes but seem to expect your husband to finance them. If you can't afford it then you can't afford it. You can't demand that someone else earns more simply to finance your expensive tastes.

I think this is either a wind up, or a show off or you’re fishing for reasons to end things (which is fine but don’t lie about things). What’s this circus about constructing this enormous hoopla about the expenses of children? Do what regular dual earner households do? Have a kid. Take paid mat leave or parental leave whatever. Wait till kid is 3 and gets government funding before needing to send another one into FT childcare. Send them to your local school. And get the fuck on with things. It’s his fault for not being ambitious enough to leave a bloody STEM academia position to try something else for the imaginary and unnecessary private tutors for your imaginary kids going to unnecessary private schools? What on earth? This must be a wind up.

He would have £300 left over because you proportionality.

Happy with your lot?

You sound awful saying that. A husband who earns 38k, a well paid job....and you arenr happy with this? He has to earn more?

Because you decides you want xtz?

I hope he will change

This is a recipe for an unhappy life. Stop and think, imagine your life together if this does not change. How would you feel about that?

That will show you the way forward

OP, shock horror.
Some people manage to raise more than 2 kids on a min wage, not dual income, just the one.
It's love that matters in this world, and being happy with what you have.
This is being successful.
Always chasing more money and greed is neither successful nor a nice trait.

Within a year OP will have started firlting with a high earning male colleague.

Then there will be threads about how he gets her and how crap her husband is.

You can she the OP has checked out. Affair is usually the next step.

OP, just divorce hom. Keep over paying your mortgage yourself. Buy him our of the house and let him find someone that is happy with him as their lot. He will be happier, being able to be himself.

Whilst they languished in a job that does provide even half our required income.

I'd hardly describe someone doing postdoctoral research in a STEM subject and earning £38k as languishing. If that's languishing god help the rest of us.