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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair on my husband?

329 replies

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 10:49

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Monday55 · 09/11/2019 15:07

When will it end though? if he starts earning £20k a year more than you and he asks you every week/month to catch upto him and constantly remind you how you're lacking ambition because you earn less.. Maybe in ten years you catch up and surpass his wages again, sounds like a viscous cycle...why do you get to set the bar?

fishonabicycle · 09/11/2019 15:08

In most relationships one partner earns more and contributes more. It's normal. I think you are being pretty sexist in that you are thinking a man should be earning more than a woman.

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 15:16

Are you proud of your husband and his achievements?

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 15:18

@CosmoK sorry to say but I feel you are taking this thread somewhat personally. Of course I am proud of my husband's achievements. He is great at his job and that's brilliant. I do think that he is under-valued in what he does though.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 09/11/2019 15:21

But you're not really proud of him as you've repeatedly said you want him to change?

Teachermaths · 09/11/2019 15:21

I just can't get over you thinking £38k is a rubbish salary.

You live in a privileged bubble.

00100001 · 09/11/2019 15:21

You still have answered why it's OK for you to take a break from working to study and be supported by your husband, but it's not ok for him to do that??

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 15:22

Have you told him this? Because all you have talked about is how he needs to change and how disappointed you are that he has no ambition. It may seem like I'm taking it personally but I feel for your husband. All you've done is undermine him on this thread. What make you so qualified to make his career decisions for him?

If my husband expressed half of what you have today I don't think he'd be my husband for much longer.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 15:23

@00100001
I am saving up to study. If he asked to take a break to start his own business or continue studying, I would support that.

OP posts:
OneKeyAtATime · 09/11/2019 15:24

A permanent contract in academia is amazing! Well done to him. I think 40k is really good actually and with time he will have opportunities to progress. I have found academia to work quite well with being a parent (assuming you go down this route) as you can work from home, at night,etc. So might work out well in the future?

Sorry if i missed it but what field is he in? He might struggle to go into the private sector (if he wants to that is) if it s humanities for example. As pp said, if he left and didn't like what he found, he would probably really struggle to get himself a job back in academia too. It s a lot of zero hour or hourly paid contracts. There is a strike scheduled soon about it actually.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 15:25

@OneKeyAtATime he is in a STEM subject. He doesn't have a permanent contract but a 3-5 year one.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 09/11/2019 15:29

Interesting. I studied for and got my Masters while working full time in a demanding job. I worked from 5am to 4pm M-F and then went to university from 5pm-10pm three nights a week and from 10am to 4pm every Saturday. This was right before degrees started to be offered online so I physically had to go to the campus. Things are much more flexible now and there are many many degree programs suited for professional full time workers.

NearlyGranny · 09/11/2019 15:32

Saving is good, mixing the money up not so, if it's falsely reassuring him that he's paying half!

If his input isn't covering half your joiny outgoings, how is he in any position to insist you would have to pay 'your half' if you gave up your job!? It seems you've been paying more than half all along...

Time for some cold mathematics, I think.

If he is unambitious, never, ever put your hand in your pocket to set him up in any business venture. I can't tell you what I wasted on DH's schemes before I got wise. I got wise the moment he explained that any income he made from the business would be his alone, for spending, while all my income (salary, royalties, inheritances) must go into the joint account. 🤔

If you want to have a child or go back to study or save up a bigger pot or clear your mortgage, the answer is restrain outgoings and living frugally. It soukds as if it might be a good idea to attempt this for a year anyway, to see if he can!

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 15:39

@NearlyGranny
thank you for this advice. I have been thinking that we need to split things 50/50 as that might make him more aware of his share.

He feels that as we have savings, we are fine. In reality if we had divided all our expenditure 50/50 in the past few years, he wouldn't have been able to cover it as we have had to spend a lot on updating our house. This is why I think some of the feedback I have had on this thread is unfair. I am told 'he doesn't have to fund your education, save up and may your 50% whilst you're off' but nobody says 'he hasn't been paying 50% during your mariage'

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 09/11/2019 15:44

He shouldn't be paying 50%, he should be contributing proportionally so you are both left with the same spending money. You are a partnership.

Tistheseason17 · 09/11/2019 15:46

I think you need to accept that he won't change because he is actually quite happy not being under greater pressure.

Perhaps, step back and le him come to his own decision?

I would also suggest that you both don't put all of your money into one account - that way you can have proportionate residual monies that you can choose to spend as you wish i.e. you could save your excess monies to fund your Masters

Or maybe, if you cannot accept he is not like you, you need to split.

That would be a shame as you have not said he is a bad partner... other than he does not earn more...

Teachermaths · 09/11/2019 15:46

I would never say to my husband he doesn't pay half the mortgage, of course he doesn't, he earns far less than me.

Of course if you gave up your job you'd have to put something in for the bills. Giving up a job is a big life change for you both.

Goldenchildsmum · 09/11/2019 15:48

It's more that he is the one who pushes for children even though they're going to cost even more but at the same time doesn't try to increase his earnings to match a potential increase in the outgoings. I feel that he just expects me to cover nursery fees etc as well.

What does he say when you ask him how you (both) will afford children?

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 15:48

I have been thinking that we need to split things 50/50 as that might make him more aware of his share.

why?

He should be okay proportionally. What you are proposing is backing into a corner where he is skint to try and force him to do as you want

Goldenchildsmum · 09/11/2019 15:50

but nobody says 'he hasn't been paying 50% during your mariage'

Then why don't you insist that he DOES pay 50%?

Why do you pay more than him and then whinge?

CosmoK · 09/11/2019 15:50

Why would you make him pay 50/50??!

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 15:50

@Goldenchildsmum he doesn't seem to have any ideas! I don't know if it's that he's naive enough to think that children don't cost a lot, or he thinks that we'll somehow manage anyway. I just feel that he subconsciously relies on my income for a lot of his plans- such as children.

OP posts:
ferrier · 09/11/2019 15:51

If he works in academia then he earns plenty of money to support having children. Maybe the 'lifestyle' is less important to him than it is to you.

Vanhi · 09/11/2019 15:55

If he is unambitious

Do you have a PhD in a STEM subject? It's hardly unambitious, is it?

I don't know if it's that he's naive enough to think that children don't cost a lot, or he thinks that we'll somehow manage anyway.

Or, he knows that £38k is good money, and that many people actually have children whilst earning less. Horrors, his academic couple friends probably manage between them on a grand total of around £75k. I mean it's tight and they have to budget to get the skiing in, but they do it. Hmm

Teateaandmoretea · 09/11/2019 15:58

What on earth does being financially ambitious mean?

Your anxiety about money needs to get sorted out, not least because having more money won't necessarily solve it. The more money you have the more there is to lose and it's something my DH actually struggled with as we became more financially secure.

The route to financial security isn't a high salary per se it is spending less than you earn or have.