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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair on my husband?

329 replies

Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 10:49

Husband and I are young- early 30s and the main point of argument has always been careers.

I am extremely ambitious and a higher earner and my husband- despite being older- isn't. I have no intention of ever stopping working but I would like him to catch up to me.

He works in academia (limited financial prospects) and sometimes says he would like to start his own business, then he says he won't be able to fund research to get the IP, then says he feels undervalued but doesn't want to work for a private company that would pay him significantly more.

The issue is that if I ever wanted to take a break to go back to education for a couple of years or start my own business, he couldn't pay the bills! I just worry about being reliant on my income all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 09/11/2019 16:46

Yabu. Tbf you could always be single and pay all the bills. Not everyone is as ambitious. I do understand as my DH could get more for his skills but I love him and understand why he doesn't. He I'm sure gets frustrated in turn that because I'm ambitious he sees less of me or I'm working weekend days alot. Ultimately with these things they're either a deal breaker or not and if not you have to stop trying to change him

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 16:48

@Anotherlongdrive I would never have an affair and I think that you are just trying to get s reaction by making such an offensive allegations.

OP posts:
PepePig · 09/11/2019 16:53

@Anotherlongdrive

I was also thinking that, to be honest. Every single thing is being twisted to make her partner look inadequate and useless. There's no love here. Not one anecdote of them being in love and happy has been shared. It's been a marriage of convenience for OP, and it's came to an end.

Preggosaurus9 · 09/11/2019 16:55

Glad to see you've made the connection to your anxiety OP. I really hope you can take it seriously and get help before it's too late. You deserve a happy life and so does your DH, who sounds lovely and very supportive of you. Do you have any idea how rare it is to have a supportive DH? Worth more than any amount of money. Good luck.

GCAcademic · 09/11/2019 16:56

Whilst they languished in a job that does provide even half our required income.

Gosh, yes, what pathetic losers us academics are, eh @billy1966 ? In our low-pressure, unambitious jobs that just aren't good enough for the likes of you.

BritInUS1 · 09/11/2019 16:59

Me and my husband have always been the same - I am very ambitious and will push to get where I want to be. He is happy with where he is. And you know what, that's OK, as long as we are both happy in our work. It's not about who earns what.

You can't change him, he is happy where he is. Would you change your job for him if he asked you to?

Teachermaths · 09/11/2019 17:07

As some constructive advice OP you need to talk to your husband. You need to tell him exactly how you feel and make sure you are both on the same page re children. It's not fair to string him along.

Purpleartichoke · 09/11/2019 17:18

I did the high powered corporate thing and decided that my ethics were happier in academia, not to mention an extremely improved work life balance. I left a lot of money behind, but I still earn a perfectly good living, and I suspect your spouse does as well. (The caveat is if he is working as adjunct faculty trying to string together classes from multiple schools to earn enough to live on)

DH and I have chosen to live modestly. We moved to a cheaper city. We didn’t buy a big house. We buy quality cars and drive them forever. Our fixed expenses are relatively low. That gives us plenty of money for day to day luxuries that could be cut if we needed to drop to one income.

Motoko · 09/11/2019 17:44

Do not have children if you are ambivalent about having them!

38k is a fucking decent salary. And "financially ambitious" means never being happy with how much you earn, always wanting more. It's not a good trait to have, and doesn't lead to happiness.

There are plenty of people bringing up children, and giving them a good childhood, on less than that. If only rich people had children, the country would be fucked further down the line.

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 17:47

@Crowtakingabath I dont expect any reaction. You seem strangely emotionless.

Loads of people say they would never have an affair. But this is circumstances where even the people who think they wouldnt have an affair, do.

Disatisifaction with their partner. Resentment that they arent providing what they want. Be that sex, affection, money. Sometimes it's not even a real view.

They come across someone who seems to offer what their partner doesnt. Starts as friends then escalates.

All driven by, often, the person having the affairs view that they are badly done to and not getting what they 'deserve' at home.

You might not. But, honestly, I would bet money that your head will be turned.

It's very common in people with attitudes like yours, where they arent happy with their lot and lay the blame at their partners door for not being enough.

margotsdevil · 09/11/2019 17:49

OP did you marry quite quickly? It just feels like you are your husband have some massive differences in your outlooks and aspirations. Children is a big one. If one partner definitely does want children and the other isn't sure/ambivalent, someone is going to have to make a massive compromise which might not end well. It's not about the money - you seem to criticise your DH for thinking "we'd manage" financially if a child arrived - the reality is this is true but you'd probably have to adjust your standard of living. So that would be another potential compromise.

You come across as very materialistic - that's not a judgement, just an observation, and I suspect your DH is less so. Yes, he's currently being subsided by you (this is clearly how you view it) but if he had to live in a smaller house/have less "stuff" - how big an issue would that really be for him?

It's really sad to say but it sounds like these are issues which could long term divide you and end your relationship.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/11/2019 17:49

So many people bring up children on far less than 35k. If you wanted children you wouldn't be putting potential barriers in the way. You are not happy with your lot so you should be leaving and trying to find happiness elsewhere and allowing your husband to find someone else he can be happy with

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 17:49

@Anotherlongdrive you may react to unhappiness in your marriage by having an affair but don't impose your lack of moral standards on others. If I was unhappy to the point of resentment I would get a divorce.

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 17:53

you may react to unhappiness in your marriage by having an affair but don't impose your lack of moral standards on others. If I was unhappy to the point of resentment I would get a divorce.

Really? Funny because I didnt have an affair.

My unhappiness in my marriage was due to exh having a mental breakdown, abusing me then finally raping me. I left.

I didn't have anyone else in the wings. I was not unhappy with my lot until then.

Now I am a higher earner and happy. With someone who earns less. But I love hom and he loves me. We have a happy life.

Doesnt change that you attitude is one, that creates environments where affairs starts.

The fact that you have gone on the attack, calling me unhappy and accusing me of having an affair, suggest that I have hit a sensitive spot.

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 17:55

And you want to talk morals?

Marrying someone, then planning to making them pay half of the bills instead of proportionately, to leave them skint to try and force a change in them because you want more out of your lot.....thats a low moral standard.

Original poster
Crowtakingabath · 09/11/2019 17:57

@Anotherlongdrive my parents had a shit relationship due to my dad having an affair so yes you have hit a sore spot. I hope you're happy with that.

OP posts:
3weemonkeys · 09/11/2019 17:58

Salaries aside, you think you are propping him up? That sounds unkind. I would be worried about your attitude to him in general.

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2019 17:59

I just feel that he subconsciously relies on my income for a lot of his plans- such as children.

Or perhaps he consciously considers that you are a family who will share their income to pay for the family needs, rather than constantly tracking who is making what financial contribution.

Anotherlongdrive · 09/11/2019 18:00

my parents had a shit relationship due to my dad having an affair so yes you have hit a sore spot. I hope you're happy with that.

Any different that you are happy trying to suggest I had an affair in response to my abusive marriage?

housebuyingistheworst · 09/11/2019 18:02

@Crowtakingabath I understand where you're coming from in your circumstances, I'd recommend not having kids as you'd definitely wouldn't be comfortable. That's fine. I don't think that all people should have kids just because they feel like it and then worry about their financial situation /rely on the taxpayers to improve their lifestyle.

AnybodyWantAChip · 09/11/2019 18:03

"We met when we were earning roughly the same amount and I didn't quite understand his earning potential at the time. By the time I did, we were already living together and I loved him so I felt as though it was a bit too late. I am now realising this is much more of an issue that I thought it would be"

It obviously is an issue for you. You can't force your husband into a job you find more acceptable. Time to move on. Your husband honestly deserves someone who is interested in more than just the salary he can provide.

saraclara · 09/11/2019 18:11

You're expecting him to do all the changing. That's totally unfair. Is he asking you to change in any way?

MoodLighting · 09/11/2019 18:27

Wow you sound obnoxious tbh. You have to be ambitious to be an academic! The pay is not good because it is a public sector role. There's been a decade of pay restraint so wages have lost 20% in real terms. Management in academia is far removed from the job and mired in dire politics so climbing to the highest pay scales may not be worth it for any amount!

Hefzi · 09/11/2019 18:34

If your husband is in UCU, his income will drop further this year with the eight days of strikes that are coming...

Seriously, get divorced, and you can both find people whose values match your own - I don't think a hardcore materialist is ever a good match for an academic. And next time, talk about the important things before you get too serious.

You've made a mistake, but the honour comes from admitting it. I fetishize education, partially as a result of my upbringing. I couldn't bear to be with someone who was sneery about it, or could only see the point of degrees that lead to a specific path of employment: I wouldn't expect them to have formal education themselves necessarily, or to be equally fetishistic about the intrinsic value of knowledge - but being dismissive would be a deal breaker. So I have always handled this by not getting in deep with people who have this attitude.

You - for whatever reasons - value a high income. So accept this, and don't waste your time - or theirs--with dating people who aren't higher rate tax payers. You need to recognise what's important to you, and then pursue that.

You don't seem to value your husband's support, though you acknowledge that he's supportive. You certainly don't value his income or his field or his career. You don't seem on the same page as him in any way, from your posts, about fairly fundamental issues. There's zero affection visible in any of your posts.

I think you've got your deal breakers, and have already disengaged. Divorce and start over rather than staying where you are so unhappy, and be considerably more intellectually honest, with yourself and your partner the next time.

wherearemymarbles · 09/11/2019 18:49

Hmmm.
In 2005 my wife stopped work to be a sahm. She was earning £65,000 the time.
For 13 years i paid for everything.
She went back to full time employment last year. After tax her salary just about covers our mortgage. So without me she’d be fucked....
but its never been my money. I’ve never begrudged our choice. If she had stayed at work we’d be richer. But if if I’d married someone earning like me we’d have 2 houses in England and a chalet in Chamomix.... and i couldn't care less. I love the life and family I have.

I also have death in service. If i die the mortgage is paid, school fee’s paid and enough left over to tide my family over till pension kicks in. If i am incapacitated I have insurance to ensure life can continue as normal.

Sounds like you expect a man to be able to look after you..... ffs its 2019!

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