To have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Baby will not nap and is over tired. I've spent all morning feeding, rocking, patting, bouncy chair with music, having her in the sling. The only thing that makes her quiet is feeding but she does not go to sleep and screams when I drop. she scratched my chest to bits and was not happy in the sling. I've basically ignored older sibling for that time, which is really unfair on him. I have no one else who can have either of them, so I've had to put her down and accept that she is going to cry persistently, because I need to give older child some attention.

AIBU? I feel terrible but please I do not need the attachment parenting lobby to come on here and shout at me for daring to have a second child or something.

Absolutely YABU. To me, that verges on neglect. Carry the baby in a sling and feed at the same time.

No it doesn't verge on neglect so stop talking shit.

Op is clearly at a tough point with her dc and people are being so horrible.

If you've got a baby that cries constantly it's inevitable that there will be times when you have no choice but to leave them crying. Op has another child that needs feeding, helping with toileting, washing and dressing.

Op has another child that needs feeding, helping with toileting, washing and dressing.

Not to mention that it will be physically impossible even for a woman with one baby and no toddler to keep her boob in the baby’s mouth all day. She has to eat as well.

It makes me sad how many people suggest the dummy! The baby wants its mother ffs, not a piece of plastic shit. Find a better sling - I see the carrier is working better. Breastfeeding Access in the carrier and baby can be suckling away whilst you play with toddler. It won’t last long as a phase and you will get through it.

My Ds was like this. I always said definitely no dummies ! Until I was almost driven mad being stuck with a non stop crying baby. It worked, saved both of us, and he gave it up with no problems.

My DS was an absolute nightmare when put down. Car seat, Moses basket, bouncer, buggy- NOTHING. So he was held all the time or a sling. Fed constantly. Once I accepted that’s how it was I loved it and it’s a wonderful memory (Stil feeding at 16m with another on the way). So I understand the frustration but I hate how dummies are always pushed as the solution when what a baby wants is its mother.

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has already been said but it’s been found fairly recently (as in between me having my teenager and my almost 3 year old) that high levels of cortisol can affect brain development. I’m not having a go or anything like that just echoing what I read on the first page about it being too long for it to become something that happens regularly. I feel for you it is hard, maybe a growth spurt occurring? X

The baby wants its mother ffs, not a piece of plastic shit

But it’s not always possible for the baby to have it’s mother’s attention. The expectation that a woman sit there with her nipple in a baby’s mouth for 18 hours a day just isn’t realistic for the vast majority of women.

Churchandstate

It’s not forever though, is it? It’s a couple of months -6 until they can also eat food.

I have fairly recently have a 12 week old and I haven’t forgotten how hard my middle child was as a 12 week old. I would not leave them to cry that long. There’s the odd time you have to put them down for a few minutes and it can’t be avoided but generally no. You can do a lot with your older child while feeding the baby. Having had a baby who spent the first 9 weeks constantly (and I mean constantly) attached to the breast I would suggest trying a dummy. It might just allow you to settle them for a nap or at least pop them in a bouncy chair or something.

It’s a couple of months -6 until they can also eat food.

And when I can go 6 months without showering, eating, cleaning my house or exercising my muscles in any way, I will let you know.

But that’s silly, isn’t it? As I said, DS was as Velcro as they come and I managed to do those things. No it wasn’t like it was before; but what is with children? You adjust and make sacrifices and that’s it. It’s hardly a chore - wasn’t for me anyway.

crispysausagerolls

It’s absolutely a chore. Or it was for me anyway. My back was fucking killing me, I was borderline depressed and I was eating for Britain. Please take your martyrdom elsewhere.

It’s not martyrdom to disagree with you and have enjoyed it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely YABU. To me, that verges on neglect. Carry the baby in a sling and feed at the same time.

If you’re going to accuse a parent of neglect, at the very least read the full thread and see that they’ve explained why they can’t do what you’re suggesting.

crispysausagerolls

But that’s not what you are doing. You are telling other women how they should feel because you enjoyed it. It’s not just irrational (because you are not them), it’s cruel. Your feelings aren’t the only ones that matter.

I’m not telling women how they should feel, I’m expressing my opinion that a dummy is not necessarily the best answer. Is an array of opinions not welcome on AIBU? My bad...forgot it has to be an echo chamber

Yikes OP. I feel your pain. I really do. My daughter was like this too, do you have the dad on the scene? Sorry if this has a already been asked and answered.

Is a part time nanny an option?

crispysausagerolls

That is exactly what you were doing.

But that’s silly, isn’t it? As I said, DS was as Velcro as they come and I managed to do those things. No it wasn’t like it was before; but what is with children? You adjust and make sacrifices and that’s it. It’s hardly a chore - wasn’t for me anyway.

Yes but from your first post I’m assuming your son was your only child at the time. That’s not the OP’s situation, is it? In fact that’s her entire problem. She’s got a Velcro baby AND a toddler, not just a Velcro baby. She can’t stick her toddler in a cage for 6 months.

monkeynuts

You are correct - my latter comments were posted at churchandstate though so more around just one baby and a dummy in theory. Look forward to practicing what I preach soon though!

I know you mentioned she won't take a dummy OP but I'm in the same situation as you right now and my DS has slowly come around to a dummy only because DH and DM introduced it. He would never ever take one with me and also wanted to suck for comfort, but then would be angry with me that milk was coming out. Definitely try and get someone else to introduce a dummy. Good luck 💐

When they are overtired, sometimes the only thing that will help is going to sleep. And sometimes they won't sleep unless you stop stimulating them with feeds/cuddles/etc. By letting the baby cry himself to sleep for 30min, and hopefully wake up refershed, you might have saved him from crying all day.

I agree with this. And I think they do need to (gradually) learn how to go to sleep. My dd was like this. Very alert from day 1 but didn't know how to nap. Eventually she would just scream with tiredness whether we were holding her or not. We had to do a bit of letting her cry for a few mins at a time, as nothing else worked. Once she'd learnt how to nap (and how to go to sleep at night) she was a much happier baby. She just needed to sleep.

Obviously I don't advocate leaving them screaming for hours just for the sake of it. However, I think some of those attachment studies are seriously flawed. Some of them look at brain scans from seriously neglected children from Romanian orphanages and imply this is what will happen if your well looked after baby has to cry for a few mins occasionally. I think this idea is actually very harmful to new parents.

I couldn't let my eleven month old cry for half an hour let alone when he was that tiny, five minutes while you quickly go to the toilet, or get the toddler a drink is one thing, half an hour
is too much. You say she's not usually like this so it's not even an ongoing problem, I'd understand more if you'd had the months of it and you were at breaking point. If you really can't cope with both maybe your two year old could go to nursery a couple of mornings a week?
DS was a very clingy baby and hated bouncy chairs, sleeping not on me, being more than two inches from a boob etc, we used a fabric wrap type sling and an ergobaby Omni 360 he loved both. There were days when I did everything with him in a sling. Thankfully he's now social and happy to play or go to anyone. He still loves the ergobaby though we use it on day trips now.

Oh OP, you poor soul. It's so hard. Anyone who's had a high-needs velcro baby will KNOW where you're at. You have to look after YOU. I've done what you've done, once or twice with two of mine (who were soul-destroyingly tough babies). I just had to put the baby in the cot- safe place- close the door, walk away and cry into a pillow, feed the other semi-neglected child, just do something to disengage from the relentless demands and exhaustion. You are human, not an automaton!

Nobody wants to leave their baby screaming for any length of time. But sometimes, you just have to.

I'll get totally flamed, but from 4-5 months, look into getting a Jumperoo, OP.

There's nothing wrong with using a dummy if it means baby and mum are both settled and happy. Baby needs to relax to sleep, mum needs to have a minute to herself and make sure her eldest still is getting attention. She can always wean the baby off the dummy earlier when she's in a better head space and mindset to do so.

If mum has gone through literally everything (nappy, whether baby might be slightly too warm/cold, if baby has fed enough, if baby has wind, etc) and a dummy works- then that's all that matters.

To answer the question, though- 30 mins is too long, imo (but you did the right thing by asking for help so do not beat yourself up about it. Baby is fine). Keep working through everything via elimination and if a dummy/any of those doesn't fix it, I'd go to the GP and see about acid reflux/colic/CMPA.

It'll get better. Stay strong. x