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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins

321 replies

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 14:01

Baby will not nap and is over tired. I've spent all morning feeding, rocking, patting, bouncy chair with music, having her in the sling. The only thing that makes her quiet is feeding but she does not go to sleep and screams when I drop. she scratched my chest to bits and was not happy in the sling. I've basically ignored older sibling for that time, which is really unfair on him. I have no one else who can have either of them, so I've had to put her down and accept that she is going to cry persistently, because I need to give older child some attention.

AIBU? I feel terrible but please I do not need the attachment parenting lobby to come on here and shout at me for daring to have a second child or something.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 09/11/2019 14:22

Yabvu. Pick your baby up. Feed the baby. Cuddle the baby. You chose to have the baby! I know it’s hard with two but you don’t need to ignore the needs of one to cater to the other. At least put the baby in a sling and keep on your chest even if she is screaming, so she knows she feels loved. The less secure she feels, the more she will cry

Ignore this utter bollocks too. From a clearly perfect parent.

I tried a sling. Hated it, and as someone who doesn't always have good balance there was a very real risk of me falling while wearing it and risking serious injury my baby. Just no!! I simply put them down when I needed to and had to ignore any protests.

MRex · 09/11/2019 14:54

Just because leaving a baby crying was the recommended thought of the day doesn't mean that all mothers did that. My own DM and her mother were both horrified at the idea, my MIL remembers with dismay the one occasion when she couldn't cope and let DH cry. I doubt they were all wild outliers. Breastfeeding until age 2 is recommended strongly now, so do you think in future that'll justify an internet debate point that everyone in the 2010s generation of mothers breastfed until age 2?

MRex · 09/11/2019 14:56

(That was in response to @Mascarponeandwine.)

MRex · 09/11/2019 14:58

Back onto important matters - @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland, did the other sling prove helpful for more than an afternoon or was it a short-lived win? Has she got past the latest cluster feeding stage? Has your DH been home so you can rest? I hope things are getting better for you.

Monkeynuts18 · 09/11/2019 15:29

I have a 15 week old. He is my first baby. Yours sounds just like mine, OP - an absolute Velcro baby.

I’ve never left him to cry, I wear him, I rarely put him down, I BF him on demand, he doesn’t have a dummy, I take him for long country walks in the sling, we co-sleep, I massage him, I take him to baby classes, etc etc. In short, I’m a right mummy martyr.

And every single day since he was born, without fail, I’ve thought ‘Jesus. how the hell does anyone do this with two?’ (I even started a thread about it a week or so ago!!) I literally couldn’t care for my son the way I do if I had another child. Something would have to give.

You just do what you have to do OP. You didn’t leave her to cry in the garden shed watched over by an Alsatian, FGS.

I can honestly say that motherhood of one baby - one! - has hit me like a steam train. Anyone who keeps more than one of these little creatures safe, fed and warm deserves a medal in my view.

Monkeynuts18 · 09/11/2019 15:34

All the millions of babies that were left to cry at the bottom of the garden in the 60’s - has this resulted in millions of damaged now-50 year olds? Genuinely interested....

Well, they’re the generation that gave us Brexit, Boris Johnson and the climate emergency...

LDreads · 09/11/2019 16:10

Thank h OP no you’re not being cruel unreasonable... I have 3 DDs 12, 4 and 2 now the first two were angels both slept and cries weren’t horribly ear piercing... DD3 she is a free spirited anarchist at heart! From day one she screamed like blue murder no matter what I did and I must admit there were a hand full of times I left her crying longer than I should of done.... but that’s being a Mumma! The fact that you’re even concerned enough about it to post of MN shows that you’re conscious and aware enough of being a good parent. We all have bad days, but they make the good days so worth it! And I promise it won’t last forever

Gmom · 09/11/2019 17:46

IMO 30 minutes is way too long for a baby that age. Baby’s stress hormones would have spiked and stayed high for a long time afterward.

theendoftheendoftheend · 09/11/2019 17:49

meh it's fine.

Well, they’re the generation that gave us Brexit, Boris Johnson and the climate emergency...

This made me laugh though Grin

bigflowerdog · 09/11/2019 17:52

It so cruel. Dress it up how you like but it is.

J4 · 09/11/2019 17:54

30 Mins is too long.

Do you have enough milk, are you drinking enough water?

Otherwise a dummy, sometimes babies just like to such and be held, you can still do activities with your other child whilst holding your baby.

Good Luck

Preggosaurus9 · 09/11/2019 17:57

Not rtft but if you have tried dummies OP the trick is to hold it in the first few times. It's natural for baby to reject dummy as it is inferior to boob. But persist as you clearly need a break. I did it with DS to prevent my nipples getting shredded and it had no impact on bf or our bond. In sling, hold dummy in, job done.

TheCherries · 09/11/2019 17:58

Ignore the perfect brigade. I bet you by now baby has woken up and is fine and your toddler is better for having time with you and you are brighter for having a break from the constant feeding.

This constant attachment parenting that some insist is the only way does not suit every baby nor does it for mum.

You are doing nothing wrong. My babies cried and cried for a few months. They didn’t have reflux they were perfectly adjusted babies. On the right centile on the charts, they just settled that way. If they were in the pram they would sleep but the second it stopped they woke and didn’t get enough sleep. If they lay in their cot they got a very long and deep sleep once they had cried it out for a bit.

Every baby is different and every mum is different. Go with your instincts and do what feels right for you.

Oh and my two teens are well adjusted children doing well at school and are a pleasure to be with. They have always been reluctant to go to bed. Even now. Just their nature. Doesn’t mean they don’t need to go to bed. They wake up happy and ready to go for the day.

Take care of you

Oakmaiden · 09/11/2019 18:06

There is a study on babies who were left to “cry it out”. their stress levels were extreme, and that can actually do damage if it happens repeatedly

and there are studies which show that it can be good for children's development. I think the key is to be sensible.

SundayGirlB · 09/11/2019 18:24

OP I feel for you. I think you know 30mins is too long, but you're human. We make mistakes in tough situations. My baby is now 6 months but in the earlier days he was on the boob constantly. Turned out he had a severe tongue tie and wasn't feeding properly. Despite this he was gaining, but that was because of the endless feeding.

Ignore if this has been covered but could there be a feeding issue? Either way as others have said, I think a HV visit to get an idea of what it could be then a GP visit to sort.

Hope you're ok.x

Bugbabe1970 · 09/11/2019 19:30

30 minutes is too long
Have you tried a dummy?

Celestine70 · 09/11/2019 19:45

Yes, YABU. It's actually proven it affects their brain development and causes them stress. They rely on you for everything and a baby cries because they need something, usually human contact.

Tunnocks34 · 09/11/2019 19:47

I’d say 30 minutes is too long tbh. And I have two older children and a 12 week old.

I appreciate how hard it is though, it’s hard when you feel your just not being a good enough mum - I feel it daily when my youngest wants breastfeeding at the same time my eldest two want tea, or my baby won’t stop crying but my 6 year old is waiting for me to do his spelling with him.

I honestly just keep my boob in that mouth. Sleeper with mits on to protect my chest from scratches. Also, things that help me:

  • my husband makes me a sandwich every morning and puts it in the fridge for my lunch so I can whip it out. You or your husband could do this for you older child so there is food available.
  • I have ordered a truff table of amazon and I set up an activity for when my eldest two come home, play dough, colouring, dinosaurs etc so they can get straight to it. My baby cluster feeds pretty much from 3-7 every evening currently so other than sitting with them and talking to them I can’t engage with my hands etc
  • slow cooker. Not as tasty as oven cooked but quick and easy to prepare and serve. No one is waiting or crying because they are hungry etc.

Hope it gets better soon for you xx

Pussinboots25 · 09/11/2019 19:51

Wow I can’t believe some of the awful comments on here. And no not constructive criticism, they are vile. Poor op has a 12 week old baby and is struggling. No doubt the same people calling her ‘fucking horrible and cruel’ preach about mental health. Absolutely awful to see other women tearing each other down. You are doing great OP x

woodhill · 09/11/2019 19:52

Discussing this with dm. I'm of that age group.

She probably did this.

Dgm said she heard dm crying in her cot and it upset her. I never understood why she didn't go up and get her but it seemed to be the way things were done in those days 40s).

Dd is the opposite and never puts her new baby down. Her dh is supportive and encourages her to sleep whilst her dd sleeps.

It is difficult and frustrating especially when you have so much to do constantly

Tessabelle74 · 09/11/2019 19:59

Sorry but as a Mum who had a child that cried alll the time, YABU. 30 minutes is an eternity to a child and for a newborn which at 12 weeks, you still are, would feel like she'd been abandoned! By all means, a few minutes to get yourself together is fine, but not 30! Crying releases stress hormones, levels of which will increase the longer baby cries so she'll take longer to calm down. I had three under three at one point and even then, I'd never have let one of them cry for that long

Stompythedinosaur · 09/11/2019 20:07

and there are studies which show that it can be good for children's development

I'm not sure this is true, could you direct me to some? I work in children's mental health and have never heard of a reputable article suggesting being left to cry is helpful to development (there are some which indicate it has no effect and some which say it is harmful that I am aware of).

Lovely13 · 09/11/2019 20:16

I had similar situation many years ago. Was stressing myself to death. Then a friend, who is also a gp, said there is nothing wrong with letting a baby cry as long as it’s fed, changed, burped, warm, not ill etc.. He was right. Situation rectified quite quickly with a few cries. Said baby is now a healthy, happy normal man!

Newmumma83 · 09/11/2019 20:22

Your a mum at the end of her tether , your are not awful like some of these very judgy people say ... awful is doing it just because.

You other child is putting themselves in danger due to frustration ( terrible 2’s as well) and your trying to juggle everything and you made a call.

It may not be everyone’s choice and I am sure it was awful for you too hence mum guilt.

I would prob book a doctors appointment to get baby checked over just encase it’s something that can be solved sooner rather than later.

Try to organise friends or family to take older child for entertain or baby if you can express ...for a few hours while you concentrate on just one child

It could just be a growth spurt but could be something else ... no parent gets it right all the time not that I am saying you got it wrong none of us are living your life or have your children they don’t know the situation but please ask for help before you loose all sanity

Big hugs and your doing a great job

SpoonOfPeanutButter · 09/11/2019 20:25

To those slamming dummies, what if it is the only thing that works? My DS was 4 weeks old when a heatwave hit. He wouldn’t settle when held/cuddled because he was just getting too hot. A dummy was the only thing that worked. And what if you don’t/can’t breastfeed? It’s not something that a mother has to do to be a good mother. Don’t slate others for making choices that are made to help and soothe their baby.

And the OP is clearly trying her best. Yes, 30 minutes is a long time, but she was clearly at the end of her tether, has another child to care for and she clearly cares (why would she post here if she didn’t?)

It’s better leaving a baby to cry as a one off than ending up getting so frustrated that you do something that causes irreversible damage such as shaking.

Glad you found something that helps OP and hope the dummies/slings make life easier 💐