To have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Baby will not nap and is over tired. I've spent all morning feeding, rocking, patting, bouncy chair with music, having her in the sling. The only thing that makes her quiet is feeding but she does not go to sleep and screams when I drop. she scratched my chest to bits and was not happy in the sling. I've basically ignored older sibling for that time, which is really unfair on him. I have no one else who can have either of them, so I've had to put her down and accept that she is going to cry persistently, because I need to give older child some attention.

AIBU? I feel terrible but please I do not need the attachment parenting lobby to come on here and shout at me for daring to have a second child or something.

YABU I'm afraid. I appreciate that it's hard, I couldn't put my youngest baby down until he was a year old, I have two older children and I also childmind but I couldn't leave such a young baby to cry for so long.

Even if baby cries in a sling at least they are close to you.

@TryingToBeBold

Exactly. I'm absolutely fed up of coming on threads like these, ready to give support to the OP and end up having to wade through pages of 'I'm the best and if you don't do it my way you're a shit mum, and I'll judge you for it'. Being a mum is really tough at times. I genuinely don't see how anyone can get any pleasure out of making someone feel even more alone and worse about how they're doing. It's pathetic.

I have a very vocal baby who cries when I don't do exactly as he wants - and I cannot always do as he wants, even though he is my only DC. I'm a single parent, and stuff needs to get done. And when I do have the time, at some point he gets too heavy to carry, and I hold his hand while he rages at me for not walking him around the room. I sympathise, OP. It's not ideal, but you do what you can.

DC is also bottlefed and has been going to nursery from the age of 12 weeks, so I've probably already ruined his chances of becoming a Noble prize winner anyway. He'll grow up to be an obese chronic underperformer with PTSD and ADD, and his mum will love him anyway.

@PepePig

I get it's an AIBU thread.. but just a yes or no is sufficient.
Not yes you're a shit mum, how dare you even think of it. I would never subject my child to that.
Not needed. Especially after 12 weeks. PND can kick in at any time.. OP doesn't need it

Actually, his mum can't even spell Nobel prize, the poor thing.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

You're doing a fantastic job. That's all you need to know. And TALK. HV. Friends. Family. Dr. Anyone x

Cluster feeding is normal. Suckling for comfort is normal. It’s a normal part of breastfeeding and that’s how your supply is increased. Maybe baby’s having a growth spurt.

I’m afraid YABVU to leave a 12 week old to cry for a full half hour. Parenting a toddler and a baby is very hard work but this is how it is. As others have said, you can play with your older dc and breastfeed at the same time.

There’s very little you can do while breastfeeding really but even if everything else has to go by the wayside, expect to be sitting and feeding most of the time at this stage.

@LailaDay he has no chance!

Dont forget attachment issues

I had to leave my middle one to cry, it was frowned on at the time, she's 12 now and doesn't remember (I've asked her) it's fine 😘

If a baby doesn't stop crying and you've checked hunger, wind, nappy etc, I think putting them in a bouncy chair next to you while you still talk to them, pat them etc is totally different to leaving them on their own to cry. She know you were still there op and that she wasn't abandoned. I don't think you should worry.

Hugs OP. It is so hard having more than one child who’s reliant on you for everything- I have twins so I’ve never known what it’s like to just have one and my entire life with kids has been guilt about how I’m not doing enough for them individually. They are both disabled so still fully reliant on me for everything and still barely sleep, it’s so hard some days.

I’ve never been able to let mine cry - when they cry I feel physically sick, I can’t handle it. I don’t think this is the end of the world for a couple of occasions but obviously best avoided where possible.

It sounds like you haven’t found what works best for her yet - which is understandable when she’s so new! Things really turned around for us when we got Rockaroo swings and then later Baby Bjorn bouncers. The boys loved them so much and would relax as soon as they went into them. Mine hated slings too and obviously I physically couldn’t carry both around at once so we had to find a way through. Mine also wanted to feed almost constantly.

One of my boys would scream and scream and I had no idea why - turned out to be dairy and soy allergies plus enlarged adenoids which were affecting his sleep so he was constantly exhausted.

Try out some different things - white noise, different slings, a swing or bouncer etc, you may stumble across something that makes all the difference.

5 minutes while you get your shit together? Or give the Older child a cuddle and a story? Sure. 30 mins I think is too long.

Done now though and I'm sure no lasting damage. For future I would put together two emergency kits, one to stop baby crying including all kinds of teethers, lotions, potions and toys, and another for the older child containing some snacks and activities.

Have you tried a swaddle and a dummy?

@PepePig for prime minister 👏

I know you have said you have tried everything but here are some suggestions incase she has another day like today-
Music all babies seem to have they own preference on style I’ve had one who enjoys classical one country and one children’s nursery rhymes
Hairdryer on close by
Washing machine on close by
Hoover on close by
White noise
Tv on
Tv off
A nice soak in the bath if baby enjoys being in the water
Baby massage
You and your boy singing nursery songs to her
Play peek a boo
Comfort blankets and teddy’s
Wrapped tight in a blanket
No blanket at all
A top up bottle of formula a day
Teething rings even if she is not teething
a swinging chair
Drive in car
Stroll in pram
Visit a friend or family member for a cuppa
Something my own mother suggested for DD3 after she’d had a bad day put a piece of your clothing in with them or even wrap them in that when you settle them so they have your scent still with them worked a treat for DD3
Around 12 weeks babies have a growth spurt which effects they sleep and feeding pattern they also can be teething so maybe one of these
To be leaving them completely alone for half hour is way too long for me but to be going back and fore and talking to them while giving them comfort like afew taps on the bottom or stroking the back of they hand and talking to them every now and again whilst your doing something else is just fine especially when you also have a toddler.
for me it isn’t so much letting them be on you at all times just about making sure they know your close by and that yes your there for them and then you can retry to settle them.
Another idea incase you don’t already and she has a day like today again is prepare some activities ready for your toddler to do that will keep him occupied and happy for a little while like colouring, some great games or things I use to do with mine at this age that allowed me to get on with other things like ironing, putting all your socks from the washing into matching pairs for you, put pile of washing by machine and ask if he would like to put it all in machine for you, hide and seek but with a toy, bowl of water and some bath toys have towel at the ready of corse, I found they all would happily do these things by themselves and only needed supervision so could get on with other things, to me the main thing is getting a good routine going so they learn them too time to do jobs in the house and they will either help with some jobs or independent play, time doing a activity or two with each child and time with all of them together doing something, hope she has settled better for you tonight 💐

Just as a mere mortal male who is here from time to time I'd just like to say it amazes me in general how helpfull board members are to each other, don't see that elsewere!

FWIW i went through this when DD1 was at that age as her mum was seriously ill in hospital for a while, no one else was around to help and there were times my little madam just would not stop crying even after I checked all the usuall things, course she wasnt being breast fed but it was a worry all the same. Still shes now an amazing thirty something woman and hasn't it seems suffered from those dark old days.

Perhaps a little more empathy on the board to the OP please?.

No ones perfect, no ones an ideal parent, and that includes moi;)

Thanks:)

12 weeks is a growth spurt, they cluster feed when bf to increase supply, if is a normal albeit fucking knackering few days that one.

My mum used to leave me at the end of her parents 60 foot garden in my pram to scream if I fussed before my 4 hourly feed. I didn't die.
It was common practice in the 1960s.

My dd screamed for much of the time she wasn't being fed. She would also feed non stop for hours. She had silent reflux and was seriously in pain (I eventually discovered) It was only when she had reflux medicine at just over 3 months that she began to go for longer between feeds and stop crying non-stop.

I would just be worried that my baby was screaming because she was in pain. I knew some parents who left their baby to cry and it turned out to be a perforated ear drum they were busy ignoring.

In the grand scheme of things they're not babies very long and I would seek medical advice and rule out physical reasons before ignoring my baby's cries for such a long time.

I remember when my DD was around the same age and she wouldn’t stop crying, I tried everything, but I remember once I changed her nappy (she didn’t even do a poo or wee, it was completely clean) and I gave her a good wipe (even though she was completely clean down there anyway) put a new nappy back on and she stopped crying.

@MakeItRain but what if you have and everyone says nothing is wrong?

My baby saw GPs, HVs, dieticians, paediatricians...and nobody could get to the root cause of the crying.

Is her latch on the breast good and you’re sure she’s getting hind milk? Also she could be coming up for an growth spurt perhaps?

I think sometimes if you’ve done all you can to settle a baby it’s safer to put them down and walk away for a bit as it can get so frustrating to deal with. An occasional ‘cry it out’ is ok.

These threads always have posters pop up saying how the levels of cortisol rise in the baby’s brain when left to cry and how damaging it is. Does anyone know what this damage looks like? All the millions of babies that were left to cry at the bottom of the garden in the 60’s - has this resulted in millions of damaged now-50 year olds? Genuinely interested....

I think it would be really ignorant to not at least acknowledge the evidence that pro-longed crying on a regular basis can have a detrimental effect on a baby.
However most people have said and sympathised with how hard and overwhelming it can be and as a once off it’s understandable; but other options are there .
You were also encouraged to smoke to help relax back in the day...

Half an hour is a long time.

I don't think you were unreasonable. You had done all you could for the time being. Sometimes you just need a break for your own sanity.

I sometimes had to leave mine to cry for longer than was ideal, especially once I had had DD3 and still had her two older sisters to get out to school and preschool every day.

DD3 has no memory of it. She is a sociable 17 year old now and we have a close relationship.

You can only do so much, especially when you have other children and are spread more thinly. It doesn't make you a shit parent. It makes you a normal one.