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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins

321 replies

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 14:01

Baby will not nap and is over tired. I've spent all morning feeding, rocking, patting, bouncy chair with music, having her in the sling. The only thing that makes her quiet is feeding but she does not go to sleep and screams when I drop. she scratched my chest to bits and was not happy in the sling. I've basically ignored older sibling for that time, which is really unfair on him. I have no one else who can have either of them, so I've had to put her down and accept that she is going to cry persistently, because I need to give older child some attention.

AIBU? I feel terrible but please I do not need the attachment parenting lobby to come on here and shout at me for daring to have a second child or something.

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 08/11/2019 16:35

I think if you had mentioned in your OP that you were actually with the baby for the duration of the 30 minutes, patting her and trying to calm her etc then you would have had very different responses.

The title of your thread made me picture a baby being left alone to cry in their cot for 30 minutes in a typical “cry it out” fashion and nothing in your initial post made me think any differently either.

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 16:39

FabbyChix

It’s quite obvious to anyone who can read that the OP isn’t doing this to be nasty. Hmm

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 16:40

Queenofmyprincess

I wasn't patting constantly, tried every few mins but it was clear she wanted to suck. but never left the room and obv the toddler and I were talking.

Chocolateteapot: once the baby is settled then give the toddler the attention.
I had done that all morning but the baby never settled!!

OP posts:
BellatrixLestat · 08/11/2019 16:45

Have you tried music? My DD used to cry for hours until she suddenly stopped when Katy Perry's Roar came on the radio.

We had it on repeat for weeks, but it worked!!

Takethebullbth · 08/11/2019 16:50

My first thought was reflux.

ConfusedOpinionsHere · 08/11/2019 16:53

We had a screamer. The sound seemed too loud for a tiny baby to make. I used to get DS ready for for his feed but offer him one of my knuckles first. If he was only wanting comfort he would suck on that instead. I was able to transition from knuckle to dummy and my ears finally stopped ringing. (We ditched the dummy when he started crawling)

HarrietM87 · 08/11/2019 16:55

OP sorry, but you should know that your baby is too young to face forward in a sling - look it up. Damaging to back/neck. Hope you find a solution.

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 16:58

Harriet87

I had a suspicion that might be the case. On this occasion I'm going to take a position that a few mins to give us all a sanity break as a one off is ok.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 08/11/2019 17:00

@Pinkblueberry but conversely, if she won't settle then what is OP acheiving by holding her? If the baby is crying and won't settle whilst being held then as long as you're sure she's not hungry / doesn't need changing etc I don't know what's so terrible about putting her down. OP knows her baby best of course but if all her needs are being met then she's in no danger of harm.

She's still crying anyway, just the same as when being held, it makes very little difference. She'll still be just as stressed. The only difference is that in one scenario you're tied up and in the other you're free to give your other child some attention.

I wouldn't say this if holding her calmed her down of course, but that wasn't what was happening in OP's scenario.

Dilkhush · 08/11/2019 17:05

@lockheart I totally agree.

Original poster
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 17:08

Lockheart - this is why I ended up where I did. I felt I wasn't achieving anything in terms of settling her!

Thanks to all who have been supportive. To those who've been more critical... don't worry. I can handle AIBU, I chose to post here...

Off to simultaneously feed both children now, somehow.... over and out.

OP posts:
MaltbyMaeve · 08/11/2019 17:12

I can't believe some of the horrible responses you've received on this thread not to mention the ignorance, quite shocking. I had a similar age gap to you and sometimes the baby cried longer than I'd have liked and sometimes the toddler didn't get the attention he deserved and either way I did my absolute best every single exhausting day and ended it wracked with guilt. I have a fifteen month old now and a just turned three year old - they are both amazing, smiley happy beings who seem to have forgiven me for not being the perfect paragons of motherhood pp seem to be.

You are doing just fine OP, you love them and you are doing your best and that is good enough.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/11/2019 17:22

Laughing at "when the baby is settled" my MIL says that and I'm like "so 3 months then" Hmm sure a toddler can just look after themself for 3 months.

I feel for you. My DD was a difficult baby who suckled constantly and screamed whenever put down. I had no choice but to let her cry so I could get dressed each morning and use the toilet. The prospect of a second difficult baby puts me off TBH.

All you can do is survive this period. You can't be in two places at once and you aren't wrong for acknowledging that your toddler has needs.

Stifledlife · 08/11/2019 17:24

God love you, OP.

Well done on maintaining your sanity.
Just keep repeating "this, too, shall pass" and do what you have to do.

..and My eldest had his first tooth at 12 weeks. He also crawled at 5 months and walked at 7 months.. Beware!

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/11/2019 17:26

I don’t see a problem with what you did personally. You need to take care of your own MH and physical health too. Sometimes that means you have no choice but to let the baby cry while you get other stuff done. Not everybody has the luxury to comfort a baby non-stop to the exclusion of everything else and some of the posts on this thread are clearly from people who live in a world where other people clean up after them.

tisonlymeagain · 08/11/2019 17:28

100% agree @Lockheart Mine wailed whether he was being comforted or not. It was fruitless. He was fed, clean etc etc but just cried. I could have sat holding him while he cried or I could pop him down and get on with other things that I needed to do.

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 08/11/2019 17:32

Could the baby have colic, reflux or having a growth spurt?

SmileCheese · 08/11/2019 17:36

I'm very glad to see some of these comments have not got you down, it would be incredibly easy to read them and become pretty depressed and I hope some of those who have commented come back and apologise.

I'm so pleased to see Lockheart posted exactly what I was thinking. Why does it matter if you put the baby down and left her to cry. Its clear she would be crying whether you were trying to settle her or not. I seriously wonder at the thought process of some of those who posted such vile things. Do they really think the baby wont be affected by crying if you are holding her and it only magically affects babies if you leave them to cry without being held? Hmm

I'm super pleased to see you have had some helpful suggestions and have found a temporary solution. Hopefully she remains settled and you have a peaceful evening together.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 08/11/2019 17:39

@CripsSandwiches

I'm confused. You posted telling OP that leaving a baby to cry will cause damage, yet when asked for citations, the very first study you cited shows exactly the opposite:

Both graduated extinction and bedtime fading provide significant sleep benefits above control, yet convey no adverse stress responses or long-term effects on parent-child attachment or child emotions and behavior.

Osirus · 08/11/2019 17:43

This reply has been deleted

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theSnuffster · 08/11/2019 18:00

I remember how hard those early months were. My DS was 3.5 when DD arrived. I remember spending lots of time feeding while helping DS with sticker books. We also did things like colouring etc and he watched far too much TV. And for when I couldn't feed or hold DD because I needed to be with DS, her dummy was a life saver.

I didn't leave either of them to cry as babies for any longer than necessary.

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 18:06

Carry the baby in a sling and feed at the same time.

Not all babies will feed in a sling. Mine wouldn’t. Not mothers can feed in a sling. Stop being so judgmental.

KateK00 · 08/11/2019 18:12

Just wanted to say well done for handling some of these comments so well OP.
My DD had severe bowel issues and was often in a lot of pain but there was literally nothing I could do, even the doctors said all I could do was let her cry. Once she cried solidly for 19 hours and yes I admit I left her to it at some points during that time (thank god she was my first as I probably would have died if I’d had an older child to care for as well!)
Today you left your baby to cry without picking her up for half an hour whilst you were in the room, honestly that was a good day for me and my DD! And the poster that thinks that’s almost neglect, well they must have had really easy babies Grin

Humpdayruminations · 08/11/2019 18:57

That sounds like silent reflux. My silent reflux baby was find feeding flat because they are swallowing and hence keeping the axis down. It's incredibly painful once they stop sucking and the acid comes back up. It burns.

Booboostwo · 08/11/2019 20:14

My DD was like that. She bfed constantly and would scream if I put her in a cot or buggy or just held her without feeding her. It was relentless but she was my first DC so it was easier than having two. She gained an enormous amount of weight and then grew very very tall. She’s 8yo now and very tall, so I wonder if all that milk fueled the height growth.

Have you tried to solve this from the other direction...could your 2yo go to nursery or a child minder, maybe for mornings, so he can run around and exhaust himself a bit, then back home to sleep in the afternoon which would give you more time to concentrate on the baby?