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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins

321 replies

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 14:01

Baby will not nap and is over tired. I've spent all morning feeding, rocking, patting, bouncy chair with music, having her in the sling. The only thing that makes her quiet is feeding but she does not go to sleep and screams when I drop. she scratched my chest to bits and was not happy in the sling. I've basically ignored older sibling for that time, which is really unfair on him. I have no one else who can have either of them, so I've had to put her down and accept that she is going to cry persistently, because I need to give older child some attention.

AIBU? I feel terrible but please I do not need the attachment parenting lobby to come on here and shout at me for daring to have a second child or something.

OP posts:

obviously · 08/11/2019 14:15

I guess ideally its not great but honestly, she wont remember it, it wont affect attachment if you're close the rest of the time

People often use this reasoning. You are right, she won't remember it, but she would have been distressed at the time. That's what matters.

Beccaishere · 08/11/2019 14:15

Op what’s done is done baby was left for 30 minutes to cry everyone will have a different opinion on it but move on now and try to solve what’s causing little one to cry? Has baby been checked over to see if all is well?
Maybe speak to a hv and ask them to pop in and see if they can offer any advice you may find they mention something you could do that has totally slipped your mind.
Also is there anyone who could give you a couple of hours break so you can rest and spend time with other dc. A couple of hours can really help clear the mind and make you feel a bit more refreshed.
Being a mummy to a new born is never easy but please remember there are people out there to help.

Passthecherrycoke · 08/11/2019 14:16

“But if she sits and feeds the baby then the baby wont be screaming. She can talk to her older dc, they can colour or build with blocks, do a puzzle, lots of things. She doesnt need to ignore either child”

The older child is not going to sit there all day passively doing things alone in sight of their mother. They’re easily bored of blocks, puzzles etc (good for you for having the foresight to get such a variety of activities ready before you got stuck under the baby)

They want meaningful interaction. Not a distracted mummy sat under a baby all day saying “that’s nice dear” once in a while.

Original poster

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 14:16

She hates the pram. She isn't hungry, she is sucking for comfort but is not a fan of a dummy. Older sibling is a toddler who can only take so long of doing boring things while I am glued to the sofa with her on boob, he needs me to actually engage with him properly just for a bit and actually get down and play with him, not to mention ger him some lunch.

She cries even being held if not on boob.

OP posts:

Lostsocksaresoannoying · 08/11/2019 14:16

People will say you are terrible, and to be honest it's not ideal. It will get easier.

But when I had my second I literally could not do anything without him screaming, I mean anything. He barely napped, he screamed if put down, he screamed in the pram, couldn't get round the shops with him because he'd scream, he had a dummy but that didn't work, he wouldn't nap in the pram, I would walk and walk and he wouldn't sleep, sometimes I just had to cook a meal for my older child or have a shower or eat something or go to the shops. He was climbing out of the buggy at 4 6 months.

I'm sorry but people just don't understand until you've had a baby like that. Mines at school now and he's still a clingy pain in the arse but he's my pride and joy and is fantastic.

Lipperfromchipper · 08/11/2019 14:17

Yabu.

EssentialHummus · 08/11/2019 14:17

As a one off, I think you do what you have to do. But longer term, what else could you do - sling and a walk outside? Dummy? Formula if you’re amenable to it and think they’re hungry? I once had similar with DD and remember pacing up and down the street with her in the pram for over an hour. I’d tried everything, she wouldn’t settle, it was all I could do.

QuizzlyBear · 08/11/2019 14:17

The best advice my health visitor gave me 15 years ago? "No baby ever died from crying."

This tacit permission not to self-flagellate when he'd cried nonstop for hours (colic, reflux and a generally pissed off disposition) and I needed to step away for my own sanity (I had PND).

Give yourself a break OP and know that in a few weeks your DD will be FAR easier.

SingCat · 08/11/2019 14:19

People often use this reasoning. You are right, she won't remember it, but she would have been distressed at the time. That's what matters.

Babies get distressed every time they need changing, feeding, cuddles or putting down for a nap! Crying is their only way of communicating at this age, and lots and lots of babies do so for longer than 30 minutes.

Original poster

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/11/2019 14:20

She had been on the boob all morning, with only short gaps of 5 mins or so.

And now she had actually gone to sleep. Sometimes it's like I am too stimulating, she actually wont sleep if my boob is on hand :(

OP posts:

myself2020 · 08/11/2019 14:21

To be honest, this is extreme. a 12 week old has no way of communicating and helping themselves. How would you feel if you desperately needed somebody to help you and people just leave you to cry.
Have you tried a sling library? baby will be upright and with you, and your arms are free

IVEgotthesparklersBIATCH · 08/11/2019 14:21

Op how old is your older child

NoCleanClothes · 08/11/2019 14:21

They want meaningful interaction. Not a distracted mummy sat under a baby all day saying “that’s nice dear” once in a while.

I'm sorry but if you have two young kids then the eldest won't be getting your undivided attention all day. You can sit and feed while interacting with the older kid - why would you just say "that's nice" - give them proper attention. If you have to pop the baby down for a few minutes to get some blocks down then fine. You can read books, feed the baby sitting on the floor while still engaging with the older kid. You really can't just leave your baby to scream for half an hour because the older child is bored. I don't think OP should beat herself up over a one time thing but it's not OK to do every day.

AloeVeraLynn · 08/11/2019 14:22

I mean, you obviously know its crap otherwise you'd not be questioning it.
My second child was awful like this. Never went in a buggy, hated her bouncer, hated the car, basically hated anything that wasnt a breast. So I just had to feed her. Never figured out what her problem was and she eventually grew out of it.
It's perfectly doable to sit on the floor and feed while you play with your older child. It does no harm for older child to realise other people have more immediate needs either.
I couldn't stand to hear a young baby cry for that long.

Kaykay06 · 08/11/2019 14:23

Sounds incredibly tough op, it’s hard to know what to do, do you feel she’s uncomfortable/in pain when not feeding silent reflux is pretty painful so worth having gp check her over maybe add something to help to see if that soothes her, you can tilt top of moses Basket/cot so she’s not lying flat too and see if that helps. In short term have her in her basket and do whatever it is the toddler wants and pick baby up every little while to soothe her then pop back down/does a sling work?
Can’t imagine how you feel op but I hope things improve, I would ignore negative posts and concentrate on doing what you can now to feel happier with your situation, then address the bigger stuff.

gonewiththerain · 08/11/2019 14:23

Have looked into cmpa, because thats what I had hours of crying and the only comfort was feeding and mine would take a dummy and I only had the baby! I stopped eating any milk products and within the week things had improved dramatically. It might not be but worth thinking about.
Mine cried for a lot longer than 30 mins it was unavoidable.

myself2020 · 08/11/2019 14:23

There is a study on babies who were left to “cry it out”. their stress levels were extreme, and that can actually do damage if it happens repeatedly (the one off will not have left damage, so don’t panic!).you’ll need to get a strategy in place: go to gp, and to a sling library

Booboostwo · 08/11/2019 14:26

With DS I managed to feed him while he was in the sling. Would that be an option for you? Then the baby is happy feeding and you have two free hands to do things with your older DC.

obviously · 08/11/2019 14:26

I feel you are trying to argue against my point but I'm struggling to see how you think that crying being how babies communicate means anything other than they should NOT be left to cry for so long.

StraffeHendrik · 08/11/2019 14:27

Going against the grain here but I think it's fine.

When they are overtired, sometimes the only thing that will help is going to sleep. And sometimes they won't sleep unless you stop stimulating them with feeds/cuddles/etc. By letting the baby cry himself to sleep for 30min, and hopefully wake up refershed, you might have saved him from crying all day.

Thenextnamechange · 08/11/2019 14:28

Definitely the advice to look at medical options are a great idea.

In the short term, you could try ringing your local sling library. At 12 weeks you should be able to feed in an SSC carrier relatively easily with someone who knows what they are doing to show you. Then you are hands free to make lunch, go to the toilet, etc all while feeding. This is what I did with my second so I know it can be done although it is hard work. If you can’t find the right person to help, you are welcome to DM me with a location and I can try and find someone.

midsummabreak · 08/11/2019 14:28

Its OK to take a break from trying to settle baby and spend time witb older child. Especially since you do need to rest to look after yourself too, and you can't ignore older child's needs.
If baby remains unsettled take to Dr and have baby checked for illness. Also, look after yourself inbetween looki g after baby, and if that means leaving baby to cry while you have to go toilet or have a meal or stay sane, so be it It is exhausting looking after an unsettled baby, so taking breaks will ensure you can get through. Its not ideal, to leave baby , but you have no choice , you must keep taking care of your other child, as well as take care of yourself too, or you are no good to anyone

Yes you can hold baby, if need be. But not great to hold baby while multitasking. as baby is actually far safer in basinette or cof than held while busy doing cooking or other busy household tasks.

IVEgotthesparklersBIATCH · 08/11/2019 14:29

(good for you for having the foresight to get such a variety of activities ready before you got stuck under the baby)

Its not difficult to put some things within reach of wherever you usually feed or as pp said stop feeding while you get things!

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/11/2019 14:29

Could you have gone for a walk or drive?

My baby goes almost instantly silent when his bum hits the pushchair.

Passthecherrycoke · 08/11/2019 14:31

@NoCleanClothes did you read the OPs posts? She has not been able to do more than minimally interact with her other child ALL DAY. It’s not a 2 hour problem.

OP have you tried formula? I imagine she’s increasing your supply for a growth spurt, not sucking for comfort.

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