To have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Baby will not nap and is over tired. I've spent all morning feeding, rocking, patting, bouncy chair with music, having her in the sling. The only thing that makes her quiet is feeding but she does not go to sleep and screams when I drop. she scratched my chest to bits and was not happy in the sling. I've basically ignored older sibling for that time, which is really unfair on him. I have no one else who can have either of them, so I've had to put her down and accept that she is going to cry persistently, because I need to give older child some attention.

AIBU? I feel terrible but please I do not need the attachment parenting lobby to come on here and shout at me for daring to have a second child or something.

My Dd was like this and I had a toddler.

It was tough. So tough. Especially in the winter months because the only thing that worked was getting a better sling, using a dummy and walking every single day. Man alive.

I had to have a routine of out every morning, regardless of weather. Dd would then sleep, I could take Ds to the park etc and then we’d come home have lunch etc.

I couldn’t leave her to cry so had to find a sling that she liked. I did find it incredibly claustrophobic though.

@Passthecherrycoke

No, none of those studies were based on Romanian orphans, they're based on Western families not subject to neglect. A child left to cry for 30 minutes won't be nearly as badly damaged as one left for hours but it has a negative impact long term.

I've left my baby to cry when frustrated. I get it, but as others have said, half an hour isn't ideal. Often if I've taken five mins to regroup it's much easier to get baby to sleep. I have to remind myself that I'm the adult and it's not baby's fault. Crying in arms is much much better than crying alone. She will go to sleep eventually if she's tired.

Is she really feeding OP? I remember having this problem, especially at night, and my midwife saying he is using you as a dummy'. I'm afraid it's so long ago I can't remember how we resolved it, but we did.

As a one off 30 mins is nothing, you obviously needed the break and no one came to any harm. I would have a word with your HV or doctor to see if they can suggest anything, but adding guilt into the mix is really not going to help anyone.

Every time I read about how wonderful and supportive Mumsnet is and how it is women supporting women, I laugh like a drain because there are so many threads like this. If you don't have anything supportive to say, but just want the op to feel like shit, why comment?

He isn't just bored. I do need to give him food! He is only 2 himself, he needs me to help him with basic needs - toileting, getting him a meal, dressing him. There's limit to what I can do with a baby in a sling who is screaming because she keeps slipping off my boob and is scratching at my chest constantly. I also can't really go out anywhere with her in a sling and my boob accessible, which also isn't fair to my older child who needs some fresh air.

No I don't have anyone who can help. All my family are at work, parents are abroad travelling and in laws unwell. Friends are also at work or struggling with their own young families.

I am thinking growth spur.
Wild idea - maybe teething very prematurely?

Take her to the doctor.
Some ear infections are silent and have no symptoms.

You are not a bad mom, you are trying tour best in your circumstances.
This is temporary, you will see it through

I don't think you should continue exclusively breastfeeding if you are unable to care for your baby properly due to conflicting demands. I've breastfed exclusively my DS who never wanted to be put down and it has never been necessary to leave him to cry. Your DD can't even move by herself, she can't grab a glass of water or a snack for herself, she is utterly dependent on you. You need to change something so that you don't leave her suffering like that. If that means giving up breastfeeding then do it, because caring for her is much more important. If that means getting childcare, then do that instead. Whatever you need to do, but please make a change because what you did is not acceptable.

Your 2 year old isn’t going to be damaged by mummy not giving them their full attention whilst dealing with the demands of a baby. Don’t feel bad for that.

It concerns me that you’ve put the ‘made up because of guilt) needs of your 2 year old ahead of your 12 week old.

There was a real risk of aspiration here, crying/spit up/ vomiting because of excess crying.

I think you need to perhaps speak with your HV and get yourself some more support, even if it’s just emotional support.

(From a mum who has 2, a week shy of 2 years apart).

It’s because it makes them feel superior to tear down struggling mothers @TonTonMacoute

The constant feeding, and crying whenever taken off the breast, makes me wonder if your baby is hungry. How is her weight gain? I exclusively breastfed initially and this is how my baby was. I had low supply and he was starving. He was gaining weight very slowly, and going down the centile chart, so low supply was diagnosed within a few weeks and I was able to add formula.

Ignore people who say you'll damage your child long-term if you let them cry occasionally. Research is actually very clear that sleep training isn't harmful. I appreciate that that isn't what's happening here, but it's a similar principle.

Nope, not feeding continuously. Just sucking for comfortable. Have ordered some different brands of dummy to try and looking at more slings.

Thank you to all for helpful advice.

Ps weight gain fine. She is tracking her centile line.

@Passthecherrycoke

No one is tearing down this mother. You're being incredibly argumentative and defensive. People have said one time won't harm the baby - they've empathised that some days are just incredibly tough but they have given OP an honest response to her question. Is it OK to leave a 12 week old crying for half an hour? No it isn't. Not on a regular basis. It's far too long. Even sleep training (which hasn't been established to be harmless by the way although it's unlikely to be very harmful) is never advocated below 6 months and never involves just leaving the baby to cry for half an hour straight without comfort.

Hithere2

I could believe the teething. She was quite chewy on the boob. But 12 weeks must be too young surely

@CripsSandwiches Can you give us citations for those studies, please?

Every time I read about how wonderful and supportive Mumsnet is and how it is women supporting women, I laugh like a drain because there are so many threads like this. If you don't have anything supportive to say, but just want the op to feel like shit, why comment?

Because OP posted a question. People answered. OP didn't specify that she
Only wanted to hear from people who were going to tell her she did the right thing. In fact, OP asked 'AIBU to have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins'. It's not unusual for people to hold very string and very different viewpoints on the subject.

Sounds like your supply is fine but even with a good supply cluster feeding is totally normal some days. They need to increase the supply with constant feeding when they have a growth spurt coming. A top of of formula might be worth a try.

You are right, she won't remember it, but she would have been distressed at the time. That's what matters

This is really unfair. Letting them cry is not the same as making them cry, and being distressed at 12 weeks old will have a lasting effect on the mother not on the child.

Half an hour is quite a long time tbh, I often had to let mine cry while I dealt with the other child (twins) but probably not half an hour. Having said that, YANBU to feel overwhelmed and to focus on your other child for a bit. I would maybe go to the doctor as it’s not normal to be crying that much - as others say, maybe she’s got an ear infection or something?

@Jellybeansincognito OP could hear her child, why would there be a risk of any of those things?

My little girl first started with teething at 12 weeks. The teeth started moving in to her gums. She's 5 months and I'm still waiting for a bloody tooth

Jellybeans

Are you suggesting I "made up" having a 2 yr old?

I've got one. Trust me.

*strong

1 Michael Gradisar, Kate Jackson, Nicola J. Spurrier, Joyce Gibson, Justine Whitham, Anne Sved Williams, Robyn Dolby, David J. Kennaway: “Behavioral Interventions for Infant Sleep Problems: A Randomized Controlled Trial”, Pediatrics, May 2016 (pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2016/05/21/peds.2015-1486)
2 edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/health/cry-it-out-sleep-training-ok/
3 Weinraub M1, Bender RH, Friedman SL, Susman EJ, Knoke B, Bradley R, Houts R, Williams J.: “Patterns of developmental change in infants’ nighttime sleep awakenings from 6 through 36 months of age.”, Dev Psychol. 2012 Nov;48(6):1511-28. (www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22448981)
Gunnar MR, Donzella B. Social regulation of the cortisol levels in early human development. Psychoneuroendocrinology 2002; 27: 199-220.
Gunnar M, Quevedo K. The neurobiology of stress and development. Annual Reviews of Psychology 2007; 58: 145-73
Hanson JL, Nacewicz BM, Sutterer MJ, Cayo AA, Schaefer SM, et al. Behavior problems after early life stress: contributions of the hippocampus and amygdala. Biological Psychiatry 2014; DOI: 10.1016/j.biopsych.2014.04.020
Petchel P, Pizzagalli DA. Effects of early life stress on cognitive and affective function: an integrated review of human literature. Psychopharmacology 2011; 214: 55-70.

Here are some citations - it's very easy to find more.

yep three months is small, but the advice we had was better safe in the cot than "out the window" [sic] because they have driven you to breaking point. dd cried loads and loads, but she was the first. She was not please when ds cried and needed feeding when she was a toddler. she used to say bibi down and point at the car seat.

enjoy the peace while they sleep. parenting is fucking hard. I would like to say iot gets easier...may be for a bit, but we have had a very autistic week...

YABU. half an hour, how cruel. Get a grip.

Your baby will be flooded with cortisol from the stress of being ignored which is toxic to their young developing brain.

Babies cry, it is their way of communicating.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Jellybeans

Are you suggesting I "made up" having a 2 yr old?

I've got one. Trust me.

-no, but juggling a 2 year old and a baby are manageable without having to leave a baby crying for 30 minutes.

Nothing a 2 year old needs would take 30 minutes of ignoring a crying baby.

To the other poster regards to aspirating- no you wouldn’t hear it, like choking.