To have left the 12 week old crying for 30 mins

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Baby will not nap and is over tired. I've spent all morning feeding, rocking, patting, bouncy chair with music, having her in the sling. The only thing that makes her quiet is feeding but she does not go to sleep and screams when I drop. she scratched my chest to bits and was not happy in the sling. I've basically ignored older sibling for that time, which is really unfair on him. I have no one else who can have either of them, so I've had to put her down and accept that she is going to cry persistently, because I need to give older child some attention.

AIBU? I feel terrible but please I do not need the attachment parenting lobby to come on here and shout at me for daring to have a second child or something.

If a baby is left to cry they will have a high level of cortisol in their brain which impacts how the brain develops. This has been established. Sometimes a baby will continue to cry even with an adult there for example if it's in pain or getting ill but by being close to an adult it will experience comfort and the level of cortisol won't continue to rise. A baby needs to know that it's cries will be answered. Like other people said a one off isn't awful and we all need to set a crying baby down for a minute sometimes but no it's not OK to regularly let a baby scream without comfort for half an hour. They won't die but long term it isn't good for their brain.

She isn't always like this! Ive never had to do it before. I don't think she is poorly she just really loves to suck.

Older child is 2. He is not old enough to play independently and isnt satisfied by solely verbal interaction. I have already got a bit of a bad back from feeding sat on the floor, I use shields (Tried everything to wean her off them but getting nowhere) and it's hard to feed her on the move as she can slip off them etc.

I am sorry for all the judgemental responses you are getting here OP.

Though I do think that 30 minutes is a bit too long.
As PP suggested, maybe a sling could help.

www.combi.com.sg/productionContent.php?cate=2&pid=24

We have this one for DS and truly it has been a lifesaver for me. I use(d) it to let him sleep when he’s very fussy and it has a nearly immediate effect on him.

She has not been able to do more than minimally interact with her other child ALL DAY.

That's just what happens sometimes when you have a toddler and a baby. It's the reality of parenting. The baby will eventually sleep and your older child will get your full attention. In the mean time you rock/feed the baby and interact with other children as best as you can.

“CripsSandwiches

If a baby is left to cry they will have a high level of cortisol in their brain which impacts how the brain develops. This has been established.”

Established after how long crying?

Established after how many times left to cry?

You don’t know, do you?

YABU. 30 minutes is too long for a 12 week year old

And I understand the need to respond to a baby. I feed on demand. But given a choice, this baby wants to be permanently attached to my boob and that is just not possible when I need to care for an older child. I've tried a few slings but have not successfully managed to feed in any as its really difficult with the shields. She's not happy in a sling unless there is a boob in her mouth at all times.

Yes YABVU. You know this or wouldn't have posted the thread, let's be honest.

Look in to babywearing.

@CripsSandwiches why is it ok to cause stress to the older child but not the baby? My older child was incredibly anxious when her sister arrived and she didn’t get much attention for weeks. It was very upsetting for her and she is mature enough to have feelings and remember them. Why should she suffer so the baby doesn’t?

Ps dont think reflux as she is happy horizontal.... as long as there is a boob in her mouth.

Have you tried formula?

Or even a bottle of BM, although I’m imagining you have no time whatsoever to sort out and action the pump

Yabu

Half an hour is way too long, how any parent can leave a 12 week baby to cry like that is beyond me. Who does that??

Babies cry, they need cuddles and love not to be ignored. Fucking horrible

Lots of us had older children and newborn and yes sometimes its tough but never did I leave my 12 week baby crying for 30 minutes!

Feel for you OP. It is totally normal for baby but you can’t spilt yourself in two.

@Passthecherrycoke

How do I know? By reading research articles! It's common knowledge and will be found in any modern parenting book. If you want the statistics and studies read the articles. Essentially a few minutes of crying is inevitable and harmless. Being left alone, regularly to cry for long periods of time will have a negative impact on brain development.

Michael Gradisar, Kate Jackson, Nicola J. Spurrier, Joyce Gibson, Justine Whitham, Anne Sved Williams, Robyn Dolby, David J. Kennaway: “Behavioral Interventions for Infant Sleep Problems: A Randomized Controlled Trial”, Pediatrics, May 2016 (pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2016/05/21/peds.2015-1486)
3 Weinraub M1, Bender RH, Friedman SL, Susman EJ, Knoke B, Bradley R, Houts R, Williams J.: “Patterns of developmental change in infants’ nighttime sleep awakenings from 6 through 36 months of age.”, Dev Psychol. 2012 Nov;48(6):1511-28. (www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22448981)

If she isnt always like this i would be concerned something was wrong. Has she had injections recently?

Ring your HV and ignore some of the posters on here saying you are awful. No harm will come to her, leave her in her cot safely and ring your HV for advice.

But given a choice, this baby wants to be permanently attached to my boob and that is just not possible when I need to care for an older child. I've tried a few slings but have not successfully managed to feed in any as its really difficult with the shields. She's not happy in a sling unless there is a boob in her mouth at all times.

I don't mean to be blunt but she's a baby. I know it's tough but you can't just leave her screaming when your older one gets bored, you need to find a way to meet the needs of both, and keep yourself sane. Have you got anyone that can help you?
What slings have you tried? I have a few friends that have managed to feed whilst using them. I think a couple use ergobaby ones.

How many times, for how long @CripsSandwiches? The OP has done it for half and hour, so I assume you’re mentioning it did that reason?

Passthecherrycoke

Older child has indeed already been quite upset at lack of attention and it is showing in behaviour. He will occasionally resort to doing unsafe things to force me to physically move and attend to him. His sleep has deteriorated too.

Why ask the question and then say you don't want the answer?

Btw I have read the books. They’ve been rounded discredited, much of them
Based on studying abandoned Romanian orphans. Which really can’t be compared to 30 Mins once.

I have no problems generally with leaving a baby to cry, but 30 minutes at that age would be a bit much. It does sound like there is some sort of problem. Sounds like when DD had colic.

why is it ok to cause stress to the older child but not the baby?

Did I suggest leaving the older child alone to cry? No. The older child will be impatient and unsettled not having their parent's full attention but that does not mean you can neglect the very basic needs of the newborn baby. Comfort is a very basic need. The older child will have their basic needs met. They'll be safe, fed and have your attention just not all of it. When the baby naps they get 100% of your attention while you hold or feed the baby they get only some of it - that's what happens with more than one child. There is no way in hell any parent is giving a toddler their full attention while their baby screams for 30 minutes anyway.

That’s what my daughter would do @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland. Say or so awful things to hold my attention. It’s bloody miserable. But it will end