To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

My grandparents are just amazing people and love being around children. They always looked after us when they could for my parents, now they are retired they have provided near enough full time childcare for my eldest two. I never asked but they offered. My third son will go to nursery full time but they have asked If they can have him for a day a week. They also do our school runs. I couldn’t live without them and I am so so grateful. My parents are the same, but they still work full time. If I ask them to have our children, which I rarely do as we don’t go anywhere, but they will always agree. Sometimes if my mum can see I’m tired, she’ll take my eldest too to her house for me. I am really, really lucky.

My MIL is the sole reason I can work. She has our 2yo and collects the older 2 x3 days per week.

She is also a massive support to me - emotionally and practically (DC3 is disabled and I have recently been diagnosed with arthritis)

As well as this she is a wonderful, kind, strong, fair and funny woman. She is a true saviour to me in many, many ways.

I always worry she feels obligated or that I ask too much from her, but we have a deal in that I'll keep her company in old age

I have a grand child not much younger than my children. I look after her whenever I can, whether it's for my daughter to work or have nights out.
I do it because it's really hard being a single parent, I can't provide much or really any financial support. So by helping with the childcare I'm making my daughters life easier. And obviously I love having my grandchild.

My dad retired and moved local to me 10 years ago and he is a great help, he picked my younger children up from school and had them for a hour a day so I can work. And he used to babysit if I wanted to go out.

No they don't sleep train them. They just get them into a solid routine. Once you've done that you don't need to sleep train theme.

I've practically co-parented my Grandchildren. My DD's ex was abusive and the relationship has finally ended. He's had pr removed etc.

I also babysit for one of her friends, who is in the UK alone. Two of the children are two. They've co-ordinated their Nurse days so i can help if needed. The little boy i mind finishes an hour earlier than my GC etc.

Tbh i was happy to be a SAHM. I went to work because i felt i had to. I like my days off from the children so wouldn't want to do it as a full time job, though.

I take my GC on holiday, alone. I think they keep me fit and active.

My Nan did the same with me and my Mum had mine while i worked.

We all looked after both and saw that they got out regularly etc, until they died.

I think that's how families should work. I don't understand how you could see your loved ones struggling.

I don't push boundaries. I won't be seeing them on Christmas day and I'm fine with that. I've offered to have them Christmas Eve day while my DD gets on with things.

I still have my own life, but i am happily single, so have the time.

I think people expect too much from GPs. We have never had much help but to be honest, they're in their 60s and 70s. I would not expect them to be doing childminding.

@Jadefeather7 That's really sad that you feel that way about your mum - she is actually missing out on so much, even if she doesn't realise it. You seem a lovely, helpful daughter. My mum lived a long way from us so couldn't help me when my daughter was little, although emotionally we were so very close. That all changed when I unexpectedly became a single parent when my daughter was about four. We moved in with my mum and dad for a while, and they helped me so much with my daughter, so I was able to re-establish myself and my career. My daughter loved being with her and despite the circumstances of my divorce, it was a very happy time in our life. She and my dad added so much to my daughter's childhood, and I therefore wanted to do the same with my grandchild. I still have time for my own interests, friends and hobbies as well. I know when our grandson is older my husband has loads of things planned to do with him too. He also sees plenty of his other grandparents - he's a very loved and lucky boy!

Took me two kids to realise that ,y parents were far more worried about being seen as interfering than they were about being seen as unhelpful. I have to ask for specific help “can you look after the kids for half term week” and then they are usually happy to do it.

My parents (and in laws) also live a long way away so can’t help help out on a day to day basis anyway.

I also discovered that my parents were not hugely baby people but are really into my kids now. (Primary age.)

My dad in particular always used to look at them like they were blobs when they were teeny!

There was one fascinating holiday with mum and dad when dd was 3.6 and ds was teeny tiny. I was not expecting my parents to be much help but figured they would probably pull a suitcase in the airport so would make that bit easier. Except it seems that for my dad 3.6 is exactly when children go from Cute But Smelly Blob to Fascinating Small Person. The two of them spent the entire holiday together whilst my dad told dd every fairy story and nursery rhyme ever invented (it took them an entire meal to get through 10 men went to mow!) Was most lovely and unexpected.

Not one bit of help. All book, online, midwife advice was "don't hesitate to ask for help!". Well, we tried that. Mil was too busy looking after BIL's girls. My dm was "too busy" too (she is alcohol dependant so in hindsite coudlnt drive to come help anyway).

Except it seems that for my dad 3.6 is exactly when children go from Cute But Smelly Blob to Fascinating Small Person.
Sounds like me, can't abide babies and toddlers but 3-10 yo kids are the best.

It was always, "we can't helon- were babysitting the nieces". Or, no, doing something more important. Fine. Fair enough. But WHY get pissed off then when we don't bother again asking for help?? Why get pissed off when we don't drive 3 under 5 kids 2 hours to come see you, when you're healthy, wealthy, and no jobs? Fuck that. We just stick to ourselves now. It's lonely, but they've shown us they will never be there for the children.

I second other pp who have said about asking them to help. I'm a single mum of 2 and when I was looking to find work after my first,I sat down with my mum and asked for her help in finding something that I could afford to pay nursery etc. She laughed in my face, told me I was daft and that she would always have my kids whenever I needed.

She loves having time with them and will often say to me that if I want "peace and quiet" she'll have them for a few hours. The deal is I only have to ask because she doesn't want to be interfering.

We live only one street away from each other so in return, when I make a big meal like lasagne or casserole, I pay for the ingredients and cook and they eat with us or dish it up for them.

I know my sister and brother feel that my parents don't pay their children as much attention but they live about an hour away in opposite directions so plans have to be made, rather than mine where I say I'm popping to do a food shop and my mother comes too or I day I'm walking my son up to the school to pick up my daughter and my father comes along for the stroll.

Grandparents often feel they are encroaching on your territory or could upset you by offering on the ring way. Invite them to come for a walk with you or sit and play with the kids while you do your ironing. They love it

I really hope my daughter (who's expecting my first grandchild right now) will communicate with me and let me know when she needs help.

I've been so worried by all the threads and posts about new grandparents visiting too early/getting in the way/having unrealistic expectations/holding the baby too much, that I didn't intend suugesting much at all, for fear of being 'one of those' grandparents.

Now I find grandparents aren't doing enough.

I'll make sure she knows that I'll drop everything in those early months if she needs me. Then hopefully later on she'll be okay with asking me to babysit etc.
But yes, both my daughters know that I retired in order to travel and be spontaneous. So they're not planning to ask me to commit to work-related childcare long term..

I honestly think the answer is simple: some grandparents want to, and some don’t. Unfortunately most people aren’t very direct, so a lot of grandparents make all the right noises about wanting to be involved when in fact they prefer the DGC at a comfortable distance.
You have learned through experience that the older generation in your family do NOT have your back, so you’re wise to arrange paid help rather than to face disappointment. None of them fancy getting their hands dirty with babies, but unfortunately they aren’t assertive enough to let you know that straight up.

I have don't have any support really. That was far from the plan but I sadly unexpectedly lost my mum when my DS was just 6 months, she was like my best mate, so I really had no choice but to just get on with it. I didn't suffer with PND so I could not even try to imagine how difficult that would be.

I think a previous poster nailed it with saying most Grandparents love looking after and spending time with their grandchildren but do feel a bit burdened by the responsibility of "X" days a week.

Sorry if this has been covered and I've missed it, but have you ever told them how you felt? It may help you process it a bit if you talk to them about it.

@saraclara, don't wait for her to communicate with you- let her know, "hi! Are you holding up ok? Just to say - don't hesitate to ask if you need 5 minutes to yourself. I can make a mean cup of tea"etc. Sometimes people.wont ask, for fear of being a nuisance. Always make sure she knows you a 're there if they need anyone ,:) I wish I'd had that.

My DM wanted to look after DC when she could and weekly when I went back to work so she had a good relationship with DC.

@Jadefeather7 Yes, doulas are not long term child care, it's really just support while you get your feet under you again with a newborn. We had ours come in for about 8 or 10 weeks.

My mum used to give us loads of support, had our kids for sleepovers regular, but my Mil only minded her daughters kids. She had six sons but never minded any of their kids, just her daughters.

We got no help as well. No, I lie, we had two hour babysitting once. Eldest is now 14.
Even when I was pregnant with my second and third child and working out logistics for the birth, we thought I'd have to go to hospital on my own because my husband would have to stay home to look after the others. Luckily a neighbour offered to help.

I went through this when I had my first...wondering why other people's parents seemed much more interested in their grandchildren. I was told things like 'the grandparent's will be fighting over baby's first christmas'...in the event neither GP cared. It did upset me for quite a long time. Then I realised I just had to accept it. I couldn't make them be more interested. Now I try to focus on the times/ways they are interested and stop comparing them with other 'better' GPs.

For those who don’t have support, how did you manage the early weeks/ months particularly if you had multiples or a small age gap?

You get on with it as best you can, it's not perfect but you manage. We were abroad when both of ours were born, we said we didn't want anyone to come over to help, ie interfere and we felt we were better for it.

Hmm I am on the fence on this one. I didn't grow up with GP helping out and having had DC myself I haven't received any childcare type help at all. Had an occassional sleep over for weddings or a party. However we are all quite a distance apart. I have 4 DC and work full time and would be horrified if any of my DC expected me to commit to childcare. I am looking forward to retirement as I will have been working for 44yrs by then and also having had DC with a wide age range my last one wont be leaving home until after I retire. I will have no issue helping my DS or DD with there DC, very happy to baby sit, provide practical help, look after DC for weekends etc.. but that will be it.

@NameChange84

Sure. You didn't originally make the point that it happens nowadays and was unheard of years ago 🙄.

You know, orcas/killer whales have remarkably complex social structures. More so than ours. They are matriarchal and in most species of orca, one stays with their mother for their whole lives. Even adult males which is really rare.

They are one of the few mammals that experience menopause. Most others die once they are no longer an attractive mate. Species that experience menopause usually do so because they serve some sort of sentimental or sociological purpose to the species after they stop reproducing.

about orca families.

Within the extended family, the grandmother (and her other generational relatives) provide childcare and generally help raise the younger generations. Adolescent offspring babysit their younger siblings and males help raise the young of their mothers, sisters and aunts throughout their lives. As orcas age and become less efficient hunters, they continue to feed via food sharing with the other members of their family.

Living in extended families in this way helps to reinforce a culture in orca. This dictates what they eat and how they find it and has helped ensure the survival of the species for years. Different families can co-exist in the same areas because they aren't competing for food.

The other thing that grannies do is mate with adolescent males without the risk of inbreeding (as they are post menopausal) which leaves older males to mate with younger females and reduces their aggression generally meaning they don't fight with each other.

My point with all this is that from this perspective, the only reason for a species to have the sort of long life that we (and orcas) have (oldest recorded orca was about 110), is because we continue to parent (and grandparent) throughout our lives. If the physical burden we put on the younger generations outweighed the advantages our presence puts into our community, we would not have evolved to live this long and in turn, neither would our societies.