To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

[littlehappyhippo]

@Jadefeather7 Well you know what to do when THEY need help, when they're elderly and infirm.

In 10 to 15 years you won't need help, and will have done it all alone, (and be stronger for it,) and you can tell them to do one when they need help.

You reap what you sow.

[ChilledBee]

My husband's family and I'd say his culture are very much into multi generational living where as my family are not.

I'd say for my family and our social group, an adult child being reliant on parental support either financially or with childcare is seen as a failure of the parents. In my husband's family, his aunt was mortified that her daughter was not moving back home after uni because she thought people would assume she was a terrible mother: "but I could get it if she's staying in Leeds but she's sharing a flat down the road!".

My parents don't really offer to babysit and certainly wouldn't adapt their lifestyle to be routinely available. They love their GC and fuss over them but it isn't the done thing. It seen unfavourably in their peer group. It has taken a while for them not to see my MIL as downtrodden by her children as they very much wanted to leave the restrictions of child rearing behind them.

[Chloe84]

You need to stop giving so much of yourself, be more selfish, OP. I would stop the weekly visits for a start, you will be knackered with a new baby. Take care of yourself.

[Sonti]

My mum made it clear many times during the 8yrs I was TTC that she wouldn't help out with a GC but when she was diagnosed with Parkinson's a few weeks after DC1 was born, she said she wished she had GCs earlier so she could have got involved!! My parents do sometimes moan I'm not helping them/around as much as I used to be since I've had DCs so in my case the expectation of help is only one way.

[Tinkobell]

Sorry not read all posts. My view is that GP's go into grandparenthood with a vision or idea of what they want to be. This varies hugely from person to person. Some GP's naturally rub their hands and want to be the indispensables that the parents instantly turn to, prepared to pretty much drop everything for their grandkids .....this is open to abuse frankly, being taken for granted and being unpaid carers. Others just want their retirement and freedom to go away as they please. I don't think there's any right or wrong tbh. But I do think if you can't rely on your close family during real crisis moments: post natal depression, illness etc....that's pretty selfish and sad.

[formerbabe]

@LEELULUMPKIN
Similar situation...my parents died when I was quite young though. Unfortunately, mil (fil not around) is totally useless and has not helped us once. I've never met anyone so disinterested in her family. I think people like this are appalling and families should help each other. Dh still runs round after her helping her out much to my silent disgust.

[Jadefeather7]

@Tinkobell Yes exactly. For me those first few months were a crisis. I was diagnosed with PND and I felt like I had no one. My husband was trying his best and working from home constantly but I was so worried it was going to jeopardise his career. I don’t want the GP to be full time unpaid carers. I just find it amazing that some GP are happy to do that and others can’t even help in really tough times.

[NameChange84]

@MintyMabel Not sure how old you are but I'm 35 (unplanned late baby). I can only think of one child who went to her grandmas growing up after infant/junior school in the 90s and another whose Mum lived with his Grandad so he was quite involved. Most people just visited grandparents for Sunday dinner and a few hours afterwards. A lot of the kids I grew up with went to childminders, nursery, afterschool club etc. Some went home with other kids' SAHMs or Aunties with younger children that couldn't work. Our grandparents.where I grew up were definitely on the periphery of our lives in a way they don't seem to be now. Quite a few people like me didn't even live anywhere near our grandparents and only saw them a few times a year.

It's strange to see peers who only paid a duty once a week or month visit to grandparents as children have their parents take on such an active role with their grandkids now. I can think of two families of four and five kids whose parents had no help when we were all little who all have at least one child and their parents do all the childcare for all their children Mon-Fri and weekends too sometimes. About five of my friends have mothers who either took early retirement or dropped to part time hours so their daughters could have babies and get back to work without putting them in nursery. That was unheard of when I was little but now it's common.

[flirtygirl]

My mum helped me, my sisters, my cousins, in fact anyone who needed help. She also worked 2 jobs, that's just the way she is.

She has her own relationship with all of them and all the older grand kids and nieces take care of her in their own way also.

Most older people in my community helped with their grandchildren or grand nieces etc.
They want to and they would be offended if not involved.

I think it's nice and I will be the same. Why wouldn't I help if I'm able to?

However every family has their own way. I think english culture is quite cold in this regard versus say Asian, West Indian, african or Italian culture.

[HairyToity]

Mine are much like yours. I've just learnt to manage without them.

It's tough.

[flirtygirl]

I probably spend 30 to 40% of my childhood with my grandparents, so my mum is paying it forward. I will pay it forward to. My kids will be brought up to do the same.

Of course you can pursue your own interests but family comes first.

And it works both ways that you help them too and don't be selfish and expect too much from them to make them feel put upon.

[Jadefeather7]

@flirtygirl My parents and in laws are Asian. It’s very much part of the culture which is probably why they had lots of help when raising their children. I guess things change with time

[Jux]

My MIL was fighting with my mum for time spent with dd when she was little. So much so, that I had to limit the time each had dd for or I'd have far too little with her myself, let alone time dd could spend with dh! It was a bit of a nightmare as mil would spend the first 10minutes every single time, quizzing me about how much time we (dd actually) had spent with mum that week. It was absolutely ridiculous and very tiring; there were many times I wished MIL to the devil!

[BloggersBlog]

Funnily enough I was shopping this morning and heard a similar conversation on the till next to me. A lady was saying how she was talking to her grandmother about how she was often with her when she was young, but her mum wasnt prepared to help and give support now she herself was the grandmother (iyswim!) The young mum was obviously a bit as was her grandmother from the sound of it.

Some people just want to take all the help and not give even to their own children when they need it.

[Whattodoabout]

I think a lot of them don’t really have much choice tbh. I doubt many grandparents willingly look after the GC every day or near enough. It’s most likely a case of the son or daughter not being able to afford actual childcare so relying on their parents for free childcare. They probably feel obliged to help because it’s their child and grandchild, I know I probably will if/when my DC procreate.

[Countryescape]

I can understand your frustration. It doesn’t sound like your mum really wants to. But more that she likes to say she will so it looks good to other people.

[Tinkobell]

If anyone's watched "Motherland" (nauseatingly middle class but still funny) I think the relationship Julia has with her mother sort of epitomises the struggle that often goes on here; a grandmother that wants to be involved but has to do the arms length thing for fear (from good experience) of having her own retirement totally hijacked by a piss taking daughter. I had PND after our DD1 was born....my mum did come to help, but it took my DH to beg and spell out the problem to her. It's a really hard balance this one.

[CountFosco]

For those who don’t have support, how did you manage the early weeks/ months particularly if you had multiples or a small age gap?

I had an 18 month gap and no family nearby. My Mum was able to come and look after DD1 when I was in hospital having DD2 so that was fantastic, DDad had been very ill and she didn't think she'd be able to. Thankfully DD2 was a very easy baby and that helped a lot, she fed quickly, would go into her cot awake and just fall asleep by herself and slept a lot. So different to my other two. So I actually found my second lot of maternity leave a lot easier than my first. I think that's a fairly common experience, you know what's coming and you've survived it before and it goes much quicker with each child. And the more you have and the longer you are a parent the easier it becomes to not try and be the perfect parent and just do what you need to do to survive. All fed and noone dead is good enough when tou are in the thick of it. And it does get a lot easier.

Your DH being away will be hard, I'd be tempted to say to the GPs 'I don't expect you to provide regular childcare but it would be nice to see you regularly so you can build a relationship with the DC (and describe what you mean by that, once a week or whatever) and I'd particularly like e.g. some more visits when DH is away with work' (but be explicit about what you want). Could you ask your parents if you could stay with them when he's away for company? It might be that they are not interested in which case you have time to sort out alternative help or it could be that they don't want to interfere but if you explicitly say they might then help. Unfortunately I can't predict which your GPs will do but I can tell you I have many friends who are disappointed in the levels of support they get from their families when they have DC but also know people who I think take the piss.

[ChilledBee]

@Jadefeather7

What I will say about my MIL is that she wouldn't contribute regularly to childcare if the parents are the types to write a long list of dos and don'ts. If you don't give your baby a dummy, she won't give them one either but if they scream all day and won't settle and she thinks a dummy might help and you won't even try it, she isn't going to have that child every day you work. She isn't going to keep an exhausted baby awake until a special nap time or force a lively baby to sleep at a specific time. So if you were like that, she wouldn't be on hand for you.

She's mentioned this to my yummy mummy friends who praise her for being so involved with her GC while complaining their parents are not.

[EerieSilence]

I have zero as none of my relatives live anywhere near me.
It taught me to expect no support and figure out a lot on my own and as a family we are a very close family unit, especially as DD is a single child and will remain so.
Get paid support, a minder or an au-pair and don't rely on your relatives. It's best to be self-sufficient.

[thechancellor]

The first thing my dad's parents said to my mum when I was born, was 'I hope you're not expecting us to have anything to do with her.' They've always resented me for being 'a waste of hard-earned money'.

[Screwtheclockchange]

My mother has insisted on providing childcare on my working days. Honestly, it's been shit for our relationship because she uses it as a stick to beat me with. She considers that it gives her the right to criticise my parenting and control the decisions that I make about DC (e.g. I'm now allowed to send my DC to preschool a couple of mornings but, if I try to increase the hours because DC loves the company of kids her own age, I get the whole spiel about how selfish I am and how DC will be emotionally damaged by being looked after by anyone but my mother). Also, I'm not allowed to stand up to my mother or I'll get the rant about "I do everything for you", even though the childcare was her idea/ demand. I do pay her (at the maximum rate she was willing to accept). You don't need to tell me that I fucked up getting into that situation - I already know it. In the unlikely event I have more kids, I'm paying for professional childcare for them.

[Tractorgirlz]

My DM adores my DS, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to her (her words) she always jumps at the chance to have him. I would never have had a child if I didn’t have her support (I was never really bothered about children before my wonderful DS came along). MIL isn’t as fussed about DS, just likes to look on from afar but I doubt she’ll ever babysit him.

[Screwtheclockchange]

I'm sorry, that probably sounds very negative and self-absorbed when people are struggling for lack of help. I'm sorry. It's just that, when I read the OP's question, my first thought was that, for some parents, it's an extension of previous controlling behaviour.

[BellatrixLestat]

My mum looks after my 3 DC 3 days a week. Two are in school but she gets them ready and does the school runs. If she didn't do this, I wouldn't be able to afford to works She also babysits on the rare occasions we go out for the evening. She really is an angel. We are very close though and she is only 58 so it is manageable for her.