To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

I kind of get it to be honest. I have three kids and it was very busy when they were small. We asked my mom when we were very stuck which wasn't often but I understood that gp weren't going to be queuing up to mind three under 3. Kids are hard work.im
minding my two toddler nephews this weekend and I'm exhausted. Even though my youngest is only 5. I'm older now and had forgotten how full on it was .. I'm always surprised at the posts on Mumsnet disappointed because grandparents won't commit to regular childcare . I don't feel that's unreasonable . I think if I had grandkids I'd happily look after them now and again if I could but I really would not want to commit to a a permanent
Two day per week .. I fantasise about maybe travelling a little when we're retired etc and if I had tied myself down Then I wouldn't be able to.

Some grandparents feel like helping out, others don't. It's quite simple. They've raised their own kids so why should they be expected to spend their final years on earth raising another set?

There was 14 months between my first and second and 3 years between my second and third. I didn’t have a mum and my mother in law lives hundreds of miles away. You just have to get on with it some days are good and some days are bad. When second child was 8 months old I started working evenings four times a week getting home about midnight. I enjoyed it as it was my time to be me and not mum. My children have children now. When my grandson was small ( ds son) I used to have him on a Monday. My day off work but he is at school now. My daughters have 1child each and I have both of them one day a week. I made it plain from the start that I will always help out they only have to ask ( and they do often) but I wasn’t going to keep offering. Luckily we all have good enough relationships that they don’t feel guilty or awkward asking. I love the time spent with the grandkids what I lack in energy I make up for with patience.

My parents will provide emergency cover if asked but not regular childcare.

I don't mind and don't expect it of them as am not sure that I'd want to provide regular care for my (unborn) grandchildren either!

We had little help. PIL were an hour away and focused on SIL DC. My DM only wanted to babysit when they were asleep in bed, and she didn't have to interact. No Friday night teas after school, no Saturday mornings in the park, never any sleepovers in 13 years.
I'm a big believer in older people paying for the care they need though, rather than expecting family to do it, so I suppose spending over £50k on childcare over the years has been fair enough.

What’s coming through on your post is how hurt and let down you are feeling. Plus anticipating the worry of how you’ll cope when the new baby arrives if he or she has the same problems sleeping you describe .
It would be such a relief to you if you had one or all of the grandparents take the initiative to offer you a handhold, calm your fears , and assure you that they’d be there for you through thick and thin and be supportive come what may .
If that doesn’t seem likely at the moment then remind yourself that you and DH came a long way before with minimal input from them .
You say you live close by purposely to give support to both sets of parents and because of that you are the “go to” support for them both now and in the future .
With both of you working giving up one day a weekend for them now is above the call of duty in my book . They need to sort their own admin and master the Internet especially if they are retired and be as independent as possible for as long as possible . That’s the job of the older generation . In the past they have been supported - it’s time for them to step up .
I say this a a parent and grandparent myself -from day 1 we offered all the support DD and partner might need - with babysitting , child care, sleepovers, doing housework, cooking a home cooked meal - because we remember how hard it was without this support when we were young parents .
Your parents and in-laws however had that support . You would think then that they would be falling over each other to give it to you . Sometimes that doesn’t follow does it ?
It might not have crossed their minds to offer help - they may think you don’t need it. You both need to ask them and above all be specific about the help you need.
Do hope your disappointment isn’t permanent and that they step up to help you x

I think it is very natural for more help to be more forthcoming to daughters rather than daughter in laws. I looked after my first 3 DGC full time whilst also running a business, I found it exhausting but it helped my daughter get her career off the ground and I went that extra mile.
We may end up with a dozen DGC and I doubt I will offer full time child care again, I am 10 years older and I feel I have raised my family, helped with my step children and the first 3 DGC. It might not be fair but we would like easier interaction with any future DGC.

The problem is that other people's grandparent arrangements are isolating. Because they use grandparents for support, we can't create a reciprocal arrangement without being one-way cheeky fuckers.

Yeah, we have this problem. Everyone else seems to have parents nearby who babysit. And when DS was in and out of hospital when he was younger it would have been so helpful to have GPs to look after the other DC for an hour when DH and I swapped over at the hospital (we'd alternate nights at the hospital and days at work which involved the other DC having to come along to the hospital in the evening).

I would never expect them to. Both sets are in their 60s and healthy and live really close by, but other than the odd evening of babysitting every few months, we don't expect any more. They had offered to do one day a week... There has been the odd time where I'm stuck in work and LO is sick, so they'd get her from nursery and mind her until i get out of work

You have no idea how lucky you are. I think most people would love precisely the sort of help you get, babysitting for regular nights out, picking up children from school when poorly. Sounds bliss and an incredible help.

From the other side I help my daughter out with childcare and sleep overs. I do this because I love my daughter and I love my grandson even if he does wake me up at 5am.

My parents didn't get huge amounts of help with either my db or I, as my dad was in the RN, and so we lived hours away from either set of gps (this was in the 60s, so no car either!).

When ds was born, we were 3.5 hours drive from my Mum and dh's parents. We had to be where we were for dh's job (and mine as well). We coped.

My parents (when alive) and my inlaws have all helped hugely with our 4DC. They have all loved having them for tea or sleepovers etc and the DC all enjoy it too.
Now my DC are all teens they 9ften walk to the inlaws and pop in for a cup of tea/dinner etc

Both my parents and inlaws would hate not seeing my DC every couple of days. They often sleepover for days one end of they want too, we are happy with the situation and so are the DC grandparents so wouldn't change it for the world.

This may sound harsh but your kids you raise them. Stick with that mentality OP.
Your parents have been there did that.
Husband and I had 4. He was killed in a wreck 17 years ago.
Never had help from my mom or dad. Sisters grandparents etc.
My mother bent over backwards for my 2 sisters. My sisters had 2 kids each and husbands.
My mother still to this day helps with my sisters. Financially and otherwise.
Never once offered to help me.
I struggled terribly. 4 under 5 years of age.
Never asked was never offered help either.
But I did it and so can you OP!
You can do this. You are stronger than you think you are!

Am I the only one who finds it a bit said when grandparents say the basically live for their grandchildren? Like my parents are grandparents of 8, they love them, help when they can, treat them, even take them on holiday.. but they have friends, JOBS that they’ve worked hard for their whole lives (only in late 50s), social events, holidays of their own. My mum has a 62 yo friend who lives her life around the whims of her 28 yo daughter who has a son. She is there to pick up, drop off, buy clothes, feed , entertain. She calls him ‘her reason to live’. It’s weird and puts weird pressure on the kid. She sees getting his school shoes and winter coat as a ritual. She has to do it. It comes with a meal out and Facebook post and everything.

Sad *

^yes. Massively overinvolved.
And I don't understand why its seen more important as helping your daughters over your dIL with childcare, isn't it helping your sons too? And therefore why is it more 'natural' to help your daughter more than your son? That's favouritism.

Well I moved away and had DC. My sister who lived fairly close to my parents isn't planning on ever having children. My parents really missed the boys and had always toyed with moving up here.

We bought a house on a new estate and after my parents retired, they bought one round the corner.

I don't know what makes grandparents want to help more. I don't know if, in the case of mine, it was that they felt they missed out by being far away for so long so really threw themselves into it.

Also, my parents have always been the type of parent who would just do anything for us. I'm not saying your parents aren't, but I wasn't taken by surprise at how involved my parents are.. I really need to not take them for granted.

Yes, would definitely like to move nearer at some point but have to consider other people like my dps and ds etc.

And I don't understand why its seen more important as helping your daughters over your dIL with childcare, isn't it helping your sons too? And therefore why is it more 'natural' to help your daughter more than your son? That's favouritism.

I agree and some of these mothers who believe such things will likely blame their DILs if their sons decide not to put any effort in coming around with the grandchildren because of it.