To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

[Greenwingmemories]

My parents made it very clear they didn't want to help me much. So only in emergencies, e.g. when too unwell for childminder or very rarely for a couple of hours. Parents in law would have them for a few days in the holidays as they lived further away. Tbh I found it quite hard and I don't understand why they wouldn't want to help out more knowing how tough it is to have very small children. The odd hour or two at weekends or occasional overnight would have made all the difference. I'd definitely want to help out although not as a childminding service, more for occasional days/babysitting/overnights.

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

I must add , I have an Italian background and it is more common for grandparents to help out. I will do the same for my DS hopefully . Family is so important, we support eachother as much as we can

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

It's not all one way either - my mum has twisted her ankle and is on crutches- I've been doing her shopping and housework. I would never say ' I'm too busy pay for a cleaner!"

[RedskyToNight]

My mother constantly said how much she wanted to help, but when I suggested things she could do, refused to do them and told me I was selfish for specifying the help that I wanted rather than what she actually wanted to do.

I still don't understand the remark - if I didn't want her to do something, then doing it wouldn't actually be helping?

[Ragwort]

I think you need to ask directly rather than a vague ‘I need some help’ comment. Eg; please could you babysit on Sat night from7pm (or whatever). Many parents are nervous of interfering or being seen to be too intrusive by their SIL/DIL.

And I agree with Stray, many of my friends are grandparents and often feel very much ‘taken for granted’. I have no wish to get involved in childminding any future grandchildren. I won’t retire for another few years, I will probably still be caring for my own elderly parents, and I am looking forward to doing more hobbies and having time to myself. I would happily babysit for an evening or obviously help in an emergency but I never expected my DPs to help with routine childcare.

[JE17]

My MIL would drop everything to look after any of her GDC at anytime, she thrives on spending time with them. My own DM will help if asked, and doesn't mind being asked, but she enjoys a busy retirement so can't always be available (good for her). Most of my friendship group have very helpful parents. Maybe your parents are waiting to be asked rather than offering, could you have an open conversation with your own DM about it?

[lanthanum]

Every family does things differently. My parents saw too many friends getting landed with more childcare than was good for them, and chose to stay living at a distance partly to avoid that, although they have travelled to stay and look after sick grandchildren when needed. Outwardly you'd say they're perfectly fit and healthy, but that's because they pace themselves - full days with toddlers would have exhausted them even in their 60s. They brought four of us up with no family help (grandparents all dead, so not even any advice over the phone). So I'm quite happy that they're now enjoying some time to themselves.

However, do tell them that you're worried about coping when number two arrives - they may well step up a bit if they know. If both sets are near, that perhaps makes things trickier - maybe inlaws think you'd prefer your parents to help, maybe neither wants to offer in case that offends the others, or puts unwanted pressure on them to do likewise.

[Velveteenfruitbowl]

DH and I both come from cultures where it’s normal for grandparents to do 95% of childcare. Both set of parents had lots of help when we were children. My father would like to help more (he loves his grandchildren so much) but is caring for his mother so can’t. In laws, one is sick so can’t. The other one just doesn’t want to (not just our children but DNs as well). She baby sat occasionally but would never do regular childcare (despite promising other family in the past then just abandoning them once the baby was born).

[Jadefeather7]

Yeah maybe I should have asked directly (I dont really feel comfortable asking as I feel that they would feel obliged to say yes even if they didn’t want to) but I really think it was so obvious how much we were struggling and I don’t understand why no one said “please let us know if we can help?”

[Aderyn19]

I don't understand why some grandparents don't help. I had my kids knowing that parenting is a forever commitment and I will help my kids until the day I die. My parents are the same with me and my siblings.
I guess that if your parents and ILs won't help you because they CBA, it means that you are under no obligation to do all their admin or look after them in old age.

I think there are some people who are just takers - they enjoyed all the help and support from their own parents and then expect their kids to provide support in their old age, but don't want to do the middle bit where they help out parents or children.

[Branster]

I wonder why some grandparents don't help out...
My in-laws were useless when I needed help, had to ask every single time if on such day 27 1/2 weeks away I can get help between 13:42-14:07, diary comes out , ooh not sure but I'll try or yes of course. It was such a faff asking I didn’t bother asking in the end. Both retired with no commitments. But they helped DH’s sister all the time. My own parents helped out more that PIL and mine live in a another country!
It’s either cultural or they didn’t like doing it.

[EntropyRising]

It's shit and I'm sorry, OP. My MIL was pretty good, my parents live in the US so, of very little help - but every single sleepover my kids had at their grandparents felt like a gift sent down from God.

If I were there, I'd make you a cup of tea and send you off to have a nap and look after your lovely baby.

[Jadefeather7]

By the way I have never expected full time childcare from them (although that’s what my mum said she would do before we had the baby). I just feel like I will need help in the early days when the baby is born until they settle a bit and based on my last experience I can’t rely on family for that.

[onlyoneoftheregimentinstep]

I never knew my MIL (she died when my DH was young) and my mother was never very maternal though she would help occasionally with my DC when asked. I timed my retirement to coincide with the birth of my first DGC and have never regretted it. I provide regular childcare for my DD's and DS's children, which I love to do, and often offer to do extra bits if needed. The benefit to me is a wonderful relationship with my DGC, my DC and their partners. I know they would drop everything to help me if necessary too, and did a couple of years ago when I was quite ill, but at the moment I have excellent health and love to be busy.

[notso]

This is fast becoming a bone of contention in DH's family.
For years (oldest GC is late teens) DH's parents have voiced very strong opinions that Grandparents shouldn't do regular childcare and that it's changed the relationship between their friends and their GC etc.
They've been very happy to help with babysitting in emergencies, for nights out etc but nothing regular, which is obviously their call and not really effected us as I'm a SAHM.

Then SIL got pregnant and they had a major change of heart, they look after DN two days a week, even when SIL is off work (she works term time only). They look after DN every other weekend, while SIL does food shopping, gets her hair cut...all the time.
She's expecting again next year and they're upping it to four days so she doesn't have the expense of two in nursery.
This is obviously incredibly grating to DH's siblings who've forked out £100's for nursery fees etc and it's not the only way in which SIL has been favoured.

[Fitsrightin]

I don't think comparing grandparents providing childcare with adult children looking after elderly parents is a fair analogy. Ill health and infirmity come with age and it's right to expect children to support their parents through this. Having children is a choice that should be made having considered the available resources and support. I plan on being a very hands off grandparent if I ever get to that point, but will support my family in other ways.

[thecatsthecats]

My relationship with my grandparents were as follows:

Dad's side: Lived close-ish. Visited once a month to spend an afternoon playing cards and games with my gran. When younger, my dad would stay whilst my mum went out, but as we grew up, mostly left alone with her.

Mum's side: Lived 90m away. Visited once a quarter, and spent a day there, always with parents there. Not as fun as my gran.

We'd call on each other's birthdays, and Christmas.

Nobody fretted about the level of involvement, or compared what the other's got. There were no heinous dramas involved with coordinating families. My parents got zero support, but there were also no strings pulled whatsoever.

[NameChange84]

My parents have made it clear that they would never help with childcare, not at all even for an evening and have not been happy when my overseas sibling left the kids with them for a few hours whilst visiting - I was called in to do the babysitting. I'm unfortunately childless and single, I think I would have adopted alone by now if I had more of a support network and knew my parents would be willing to watch a child if I was ill or had an emergency.

Still, I totally understand that they are in their 70s, not in great health, not comfortable looking after children as they don't feel confident with them or know how to talk to children. They've raised their children, they don't want to do it anymore. They are happy for supervised visits only.

I'm always really surprised at the level of involvement lots of grandparents have now. When I was a child it was rare to have Grandparents play such an active role in childcare. My grandfather made it perfectly clear that he was not willing to be used as free childcare and that he'd done his child rearing and would do know more. In all honesty, I think it's quite unreasonable to expect that grandparents want to help with childcare. Some do and thats lovely but there is often a fine line between expectation and entitlement that I see amongst my peers.

[NameChange84]

*no more

[MintyMabel]

I live far away from my parents, but they still help out where they can. They would do more if we lived closer, it’s just how our family dynamic works. But it is important to add, we ask each other for help. Nobody pipes up with an offer, but always helps if asked. I can’t imagine struggling then wondering why nobody is helping, if I haven’t told them.

MIL lives closer and we could have asked her to do more, but we don’t. She cared for her poorly mum and her little brother. Got married and cared for her kids. Her in-laws moved in and she cared for FIL until he died, she then cared for her husband until he died quite young. She then spent years caring for her MIL. There is absolutely no way she was going to spend another bunch of years caring for our daughter. It would have been really easy to get her to do it, she wouldn’t have said no. But, she deserves to have her own life, without any responsibility not live by our timetable. She still spends time, and steps in for the odd day when we have no alternative. DD goes there in the holidays for some time, but it is based around what she is available for, and she loves having her. No expectations.

Both DDs grandparents love her and us. People just have different lives.

[AgentJohnson]

Am I missing something, does your child have additional needs or something?

[Hannahmates]

If you want help you have to ask for it and not just hope that they see you struggling and offer to help. A lot of people won't realise you're struggling and a lot more don't want to overstep boundaries especially when the children are young. It sounds like you expected her to offer help without asking for it.

[MintyMabel]

I'm always really surprised at the level of involvement lots of grandparents have now. When I was a child it was rare to have Grandparents play such an active role in childcare

With parents in their seventies, I assume we’re of a similar age. It was really common for grandparents to have an active role in childcare when I was young. But most of my friends’ mums worked. There were fewer Nurseries/ childminders and according to my mum, they were so insanely expensive, they were the preserve of the really well off. What also happened was more of the community “I’ll have the kids on Monday, and Wednesday, you have them on Thursday and Friday” which isn’t possible now.

[tillytrotter1]

Maybe they read these posts and are aware of the pathalogical desire to have 100% control over 'my little family'. I have friends who are grandparents who have been expected to 'take a course' at their DIL's house on looking after 'her' baby, having successfully raised the man she chose to marry. Naturally 'her' mother is excused this course. People are usually only too glad to help when needed, especially if they're treated in a civilised way.

[lazylinguist]

My dc are older now, but my parents and PIL were always super keen to visit or help out with child care when they could (both lived about an hour away). They would volunteer to look after the dc at ours or have them for a couple of days at theirs, even just for fun rather than to help out. However, much to their disappointment, we moved (4 hrs away from them) so it wasn't really practical after that!