To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

[misspiggy19]

I doubt many grandparents willingly look after the GC every day or near enough.

^Every Grandparent I know that regularly looks after their Grandkids actively enjoys it

[Marmitebread]

My parents used to come 200 miles about every six weeks to see us all and we stayed with them when we came home. They regularly looked after the kids at ours or at theirs for long weekends so we could have a break.
In-laws live in same town as parents - we always saw them when home but they only once offered to look after them when my Dad was very ill.
When we moved back home my parents helped almost daily. IL's rarely saw the kids being too wrapped up in their own life and golden niece's.
Now parents and IL's are getting on and want/ need help - and guess what? We both help my parents as much as possible but ILs only when it's desperate. You reap what you sow, I'm not going out of my way for someone who didn't really care.

[Jeleste]

My parents help out a lot. But i do ask them all the time. They are both early 60s and retired and sometimes i think they would be so bored if they didnt have the kids all the time
When i dont ask them for a while (a few days) then my mum calls and asks whats going on. They live 5mins from us, so that definitely helps! A lot of times my older child walks to their house after school when im out and about with the little one. Thats really convenient. They also take them over night about once a month. Overnight stays only happen when i ask though, but we ask quite often so thats probably why they dont offer on their own.

For my parents it doesnt make a difference if its my kids or my brothers. They have my niece less often now, because SIL is on maternity leave again, but when she was working for about a year they had niece all day 4 days a week. Also SIL has her mother near and she babysits a lot too, so my parents have her less often, but they still see her several times a week.
My inlaws live overseas, but when we visit they also look after them a lot and let me and DH go out on our own.
I think its just they way we were raised. I used to spend so much time at my grandmas and my mum does the same now with her grandkids.

[Applesanbananas]

I'm a sahm and I find raising a child very, very hard work. I love my ds more than anything but I cant imagine doing this as a gp. I definitely wont be offering any full time childcare. My own dp and IL dont either, but I really dont expect them to. They have done the hard work of raising children, this is their time to do whatever they want to do. I would feel too guilty to expect them to anyway. If you have children then I think you should expect to raise them on your own, any help is a bonus.

[LondonJax]

I had my DS very late (over 40) and my mum was already approaching 80 when he was born. As she was unwell (diabetic) as well I really couldn't ask her even to babysit even though she would have jumped at the chance and had looked after my 2 DSis children over the years. In one case she used to baby sit my Dniece on occasion (my dad had died by then). In the other case she and my dad had my DNephew all day 5 days a week when they semi retired.

Mum did say to me, a few years ago, that whilst she and dad loved having my Dnephew there was this expectation from my DSis that they would always say yes to doing extra babysitting. And whilst they agreed to doing a year or so when he was a toddler to help out, they actually ended up doing school pick ups as my DSis never did get around to arranging the childminder she was trying to find. So this went well beyond the year to eighteen months my sister had mentioned. That ate into a lot of their time for doing the things they wanted to do. Unfortunately my dad died when he was 64 years old so they never had a chance. Mum did say she regretted getting pulled in further than they'd first agreed to but she and dad loved my sister and my nephew so, whilst they weren't happy, they swallowed it to help. I know my sister knew how they felt but, to be honest, it was cheaper and more convenient so she waited until they'd mention it - knowing they wouldn't.

I think there needs to be a bit of give and take on both sides. It's great if GPs agree to look after the kids but I think you have to make sure the times are agreed and stuck to. It's really easy to end up taking advantage and, after all, if they've retired it's also a bit of 'me' time for them. Most GPs love having the grandchildren but it's really easy to fall into the idea that 'oh we can do that Gran or Grandad will babysit' rather than putting some plans on hold for a while like those without support would have to.

Another member of my family had her DD's sons from an early age whilst the DD went back to work. Now I see on Facebook photos of her out with the grandsons at the weekend, sleepovers whilst her DD and DSonIL have some 'couples' time and quite a few weekend stays when they are having a bit of adult time away. She told me recently she felt taken advantage of but, when she brought it up, she was made to feel like she was being unreasonable. She's been doing this for almost 12 years now - 12 years of her semi and full retirement. That's a long time.

So there are two sides to the story really.

[duckme]

My mom has looked after my kids, while we work, since I had our first child 15 years ago. I had organised to send our youngest to childcare this time around but my mom wasn't happy about this and insisted on having him.
I think my parents genuinely enjoy having the kids. They take the older two on holiday every year and keep asking if they can take the toddler!
We try not to ask them to babysit on the very rare occasion we go out though as they do so much for us.
We're very lucky as my salary isn't really enough to justify the amount of childcare costs I'd have to pay if I didn't have my mom.
She spoils them rotten though and seriously has no concept of the word 'no'!

[Kaykay06]

My mum moved to Australia 11 days after my son was born so no never had her to look after my son(s) now have 4. She’s babysat once then ended up very ill in hospital. Best to arrange your own childcare tbh. I have 2 with similar age gap and it’s hard going but they are now 8&9 so don’t pay any childcare

[Sonti]

@Jadefeather7 I'm British Asian too and I do see a lot of the culture changing. I expect to see a lot more elderly Asian parents in care homes too over the next few decades.

[CookieDoughKid]

Absolutely none from both sides. My parents no, not interested as my mum has to take care of my father disabilities from a stroke . They are financially very generous though. My in-laws, fuck no.i once asked and politely said they aren't interested and not to ask again. They are so tight with their money that my teen daughter doesn't even bother open their once a year Xmas envelope with a fiver in it. Yet they are very wealthy. So we moved 100miles from them, see them once or twice a year if we have to and Yup, they good with it and so are we.

[Jadefeather7]

@Sonti I agree. I’ve heard a lot of older Asian parents complain about the culture of sending parents to care homes. I suppose we are all moving towards thinking paid care (childcare or elder care) is better m than asking family for help and that’s fine. What I’m talking about here isn’t full time ongoing care, it’s about being there during a temporary difficult time. Even if I couldn’t give up my job to become a full time carer for my parents I would try to be there for an urgent situation such as if they were in hospital for a few weeks.

[Sonti]

@Jadefeather7 I also think it's because dynamics have changed in this generation as many Asian families are a lot smaller than before so less people to share the burden/help and less SAHMs as in many households both parents are working so they sometimes require more childcare help than GPs are willing to provide.

[Sonti]

Sorry cross-post @Jadefeather7

That's really sad tbh, I could count on mine in a crisis at least and vice versa

[IamPickleRick]

So my mum is here today “helping” me.

I asked her to just watch the kids while I cook the dinner. I look in and she’s gone. Asked the eldest where nanny was and she’s gone to the pound shop. Nothing epitomises the help I get more than that. One day a week of “help” that is actually just more trouble.

[notso]

I doubt many grandparents willingly look after the GC every day or near enough.
A lot of my parent's friends who look after their grandchildren enjoy it but at the same time feel a little trapped or overwhelmed.
Most of them started looking after one child and then it was just assumed they'd look after siblings for the same amount of time. Many also have elderly parents to care for too.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

Have you asked (sorry, I don't know if this has been covered) the reason I ask, is my mum is too very involved, my FIL however (MIL passed away a few years ago) is incredibly generous and will do anything, as long as we ask him very directly for what we need! He doesn't want to impose or force himself on us or anything?

Your mum said she will help so give her specific things to do, ask if she'd mind having your oldest one afternoon a week when your new baby is born?

[Evilmorty]

I doubt many grandparents willingly look after the GC every day or near enough.

My IL have a cot in their room for SILs baby, they go on holiday with her specifically to have the baby in their room, the babies stay over at least twice a week, and my other sister in law takes the older ones. They do it willingly and still haven’t had my children once in 10 years.

[Craiglang]

MIL and FIL couldn't be any less interested in our DC - their only GC. They can never spell their names right - traditional names, no weird spellings! - or know their birthdays, or even how old they are. My youngest DC is 3 and MIL has met them once, FIL hasn't at all. They complain constantly to other family members that we don't allow them access but the truth is we used to ask them to visit (or for us to visit them) all the time but they were always too busy, so we gave up asking. We assumed they'd eventually ask to see the GC but so far they haven't bothered. I really don't understand.

My parents are very unwell and unable to offer practical help, plus they live in another country. If they were in better health and local I'm sure they would be here helping out every week. It breaks my heart that they're not able to be.

[hiredandsqueak]

I received no help or support from my parents or in laws. Dm had died when I was a child, df lived three hours away, PIL were infirm and couldn't have managed.
I have one grandson, I try to be what I would have wanted when my children were small because I know how hard it is.
I help all my children because I can and because I would do anything to make their lives easier.
When dd goes back to work I will care for my grandson because it will make dd's life easier practically and financially. I will go to dd's a couple of days each week so that I can clean and do their laundry whilst I have gs. Also neither dd nor I like the idea of him being in childcare when he is so small.

[Craiglang]

Oh, and I forgot to say - yes, my in-laws do assume we will drop everything for them once they're unable to care for themselves. I don't bloody think so. We've had a few really hard times in the last decade and they've never even bothered to ask if we were ok. MIL once mentioned us moving in to their house when they're elderly as she never wants to leave it. I may have laughed a little too much at the suggestion.

BIL is unmarried and childless but apparently it's my responsibility to care for them, not their sons.

[Penguincity]

I think in some cases it may be what you are used to. My dps didn't get help with me and siblings as their parents died before becoming GPS, I was also in the same position. I have no intention of carrying out childcare for my dc, I want to have freedom in my retirement. However I would babysit and if free would do emergency childcare. I never missed my parents in regards to childcare, I view that as my responsibility but occasional babysitting is something I would have appreciated greatly

[MintyMabel]

That was unheard of when I was little but now it's common.

I’m a little older, and this was far from unheard of.

[Wherecanwegetoff123]

No help here. 4 kids under 6. It is what it is. You just do what you have to do

[sniffingthewax]

I think it depends on the culture of the family. In our primary school there are many grandparents who I assumed were either foster carers or had sole custody of their dgc as they have done every drop off/pick up for years. It seems they live locally to their dgc and play a very fundamental role in their lives. I also think many of these were SAHMs when their dc were young too.
My DM retired a few years ago and will look after my DN for the evening and does 1 or 2 school pickups per fortnight for the other dgc. A few of her friends have their dgc every day or at least half of the week and they resent it to a certain extent, although they love their dgc dearly.

[NameChange84]

@MintyMabel Clearly we've just had different experiences of growing up. In my demographic in my part of the UK, this is what I experienced first hand. It doesnt make either of us wrong. But I can't come on here and lie and say all of my peers grandparents did childcare and took early retirement for the purpose when it just didn't happen around me at all. There has definitely been a notable shift here in my area, age and social group. Our parents were all just left to get on with it with next to no help whilst my peers expect their parents to do a lot of child care.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

I have always - happily- provided a lot of childcare for DGS, taken him on days out and holidays . He stays over a lot due to DD’s job. He is now 13 so not such hard work. Apart from 1 all my granny friends provide childcare and babysit a lot however nearly all of them say that the more they do they more they are expected to do. We are all mid 60s so would like to enjoy our own lives but the DC can get arsey if they say no.