To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

[JaceLancs]

I told my parents I was expecting DC1 many years ago
I never even got ‘congratulations’
The first words DM uttered were ‘don’t expect us to look after it’
I got no help at all
They never had even an overnight stay with DC
Probably babysat once or twice a year for something really important like medical tests or surgery

[Cornishclio]

I think it is a shame if grandparents don't help out if they are able to. We provide childcare one day a week for our DGDs aged 4 and 1 and have done since the eldest was 9 months old. Previous to that we helped out if my DD was struggling even having DGD1 overnight as she was a poor sleeper. We are lucky we live nearby and see them several times a week. Always happy to babysit when asked if we are free.

Most of my friends do help out with grandchildren, mostly they do one day a week but some do more. We have an active retirement though and do other things so one day works out well. I had 18 months between my 2 DDs but no grandparents help as they lived too far away. I think you cope because you have to.

[phoenixrosehere]

We live far away from both our parents. We come from large families and grew up seeing our grandparents often.

My in-laws live closer but they’re not close to our children and it hurts my husband, especially after he asked his mum to watch them almost a month beforehand and she waited before we were heading out the door to tell us she couldn’t. He doesn’t ask anymore nor have they ever offered. He sees how she often watches her other grandchildren, some of them 2-3 times a week with overnights yet couldn’t spare 2 hours to watch ours despite us having only asked 3-4 times ever. She has voiced annoyance when BIL hadn’t told them he was off work for a week stating they’d end up with the kids yet his parents also watch them so . Our niece and nephew (4&9) have two other sets of grandparents who can take them for a few hours as well as retired aunts and uncles close by if necessary. She also took them and her other grandchild on holiday and said she would have done the same with ours if we lived close by and my husband laughed and said “yeah right”. I usually gave mil the benefit of the doubt until I saw a picture with a grandchildren frame around it and our children weren’t even in it yet their great nieces and nephews were. The picture wasn’t even three months old and featured nephews and niece who lived further away and visited less than we do. I was the one that talked her son into coming this Christmas despite knowing how hurt he still was. I don’t know whether he has seen the picture or not, but I doubt it would help matters. I’ve gone back to work, working Saturdays, and our sons are in nursery/school, so we’re not going to be visiting as much anyway and with paying £500+ a month in childcare for our youngest, not going to be taking him out unless absolutely necessary.

My parents live 4,000 miles away and talk to our boys every week via video chat whereas in-laws only talk to their son and asks about the boys. When they come over, they spend as much time as possible with them and are the same when we visit them. They don’t mind watching our boys for a few hours. They just visited and husband and I were able to have dinner alone together for the first time this year. My oldest (almost 5) is speech delayed with asd and has been asking for “nanny”, the name he has chosen to call my mother since she left a few days ago.

[RainMinusBow]

I'm very lucky as we live in the same village as my parents and they take my youngest to school on the weeks he is with us (I share care with my ex-husband) so that I can get to work. I start work just after 8 am so without their support I wouldn't be able to get there on time. They also pick him up as I don't finish until 4 pm (hours non-flexible).

It breaks my heart that I don't have any physical contact with son's primary school and don't get to do any school runs, but I have no choice but to work ft. Fiancé does also work ft but on a similar wage of around £25k. I get no maintenance or benefits so we just about get by financially. Being totally honest it does make me feel like a bad mummy, but my son understands I have no choice but to work.

My youngest loves the closeness he has with his grandparents (esp nanny) and I'm so grateful for that as my mum has a long-term serious illness, bless her. She always says being with my boys really gives her focus and helps to take her mind off things.

I'm 10 weeks pg with fiancé now (his first baby) and I know that mum and dad will be around to happily support. Fiancé's parents live over an hour away so obviously they see us less but they do what they can. We are older parents too so when this baby is born they will both already be in their mid-seventies.

I hope when I am grandparent I will be as close to my grandkids as my kids are to theirs 😊

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I know this thread is about childcare. I find your comments really sad. You say your parents have done far more for you than you could ever repay. They chose to have children. You do not owe them a debt for that choice.

As parents, you should not be bringing your children up with the expectation or obligations that they will care for you in old age. I don’t say this to sound selfish but because with life expectancy in the U.K and retirement age, it is unrealistic. Many people caring for parents are themselves in their 70’s.

You're Asian, I understand there is expectation and possible shame from not caring for your parents. But that works both ways. They are not helping you.

I have had some help but limited. I’m disabled and chronically ill. I have struggled a lot. Only 2 gps alive. My mother doesn’t live locally and until recently had caring responsibilities of her own. My fil lives overseas and he doesn’t have the capability to look after my dd even when around. We didn’t have him come to see us directly after the birth because he expects to be waited on hand and foot. Eg He opens cupboard doors and doesn’t shut them, leaves cups, plates on the table etc. Dh and I are older parents and my mother was mid 60’s when she was born, fil early 70’s.

[ooooohbetty]

I'd love to be able to retire so I can help more time with grandchildren. At the moment I do what I can with regards to some pick ups and drop offs at school and I babysit some evenings but if I could do more I would. It gives me such joy to spend time with them before they get older. I offered to help. I didn't need to be asked.

[Wallywobbles]

I'm the last child and my parents were on the old side when my kids were born and my mum was rapidly becoming my dads carer. We also live in a different country.

Since Dad died we now stay about 3 weeks a year.

My PIL were fab though. They'd come and pick up a sick kid with an hours notice so I could still get to work. They lived a bit over an hour away. Then their son (exh) accused them of something awful because he's a total cunt and for 2 years they couldn't have contact. They had to go to court to get contact re-established. They now have the kids legally 30 days a year. DC now teens still go.

You'll not be close to you DGC if you don't see them. However that may mean doing it.

[Daffodil101]

Love the post about the or orcas, fascinating and pertinent.

I’m another who had no help. It’s just been the four of us and incredibly lonely. I don’t have parents myself, however I did have in laws. They even declined to come for Christmas every year and sat home instead - my FIL would have liked to have come but MIL had other plans. She also hates Christmas with a passion. As a consequence, my children never had a ‘family’ Christmas.

My father in law passed away earlier this year and now I think there’s an expectation that we will have MIL for Christmas. I’m really not sure how I feel about this.

[DaphneduM]

We haven't talked on this thread about the implications of equalisation of women's retirement age. In the past women retired at 60 so were still young enough and able enough to help with their grandchildren if they wanted to. Now with the retirement age being 66 at present, that's a lot later and a lot can happen healthwise during those six years. Not speaking personally here as I was able to retire at 61 due to a workplace pension, but I'm sure those years in my early 60's of being able to take things a bit easier, go to exercise classes, etc. were beneficial to my overall health and wellbeing. If you read the horrendous stories of the WASPI women, you will appreciate the plight some of them are in - struggling on in physically demanding jobs. So they wouldn't have any time or energy for helping with grandchildren, no matter that probably many would have loved to. This government, who seems to have been in power for ever, is not noted for thinking through the effects of their policies and couldn't give a toss about normal families. I feel for you young mums, struggling on with zero support. As many have said it's so lonely with small children and no outside family support.

[Sendmoneynow]

I get where you're coming from, OP. My MIL would have had my kids without issue when they were young but she was quite elderly and in poor health when the time came and I didn't want to add to her issues (DH is the youngest in a large family).

My own mother, however, would tell anyone outside the family how much of a support she was in the raising of her grandchildren, but her memory is quite different to mine. Though we never asked either parent for day to day help, when we asked my mum if she'd consider sitting my two girls for a few hours from the age of 6yo, so we could go for a meal (perhaps 3 times a year), I'd get 'the face'. The face was my mother trying to think of an excuse as to why she couldn't.

When one excuse was 'I can't, I'm cleaning out my kitchen cupboards' I didn't bother asking again. When I hear women being unappreciative and expecting of support from their mums, it hurts, because they have no idea how lucky they are.

[thebabessavedme]

I dont understand granparents not wanting to spend time (if they are able) with their dgcs - my parents have wonderful relationships with their now adult dgcs (my mum in particular looked after all 3 of them so that my brothers and I could work without paying huge childcare costs), Dh and I have one dgs who we adore and love to see and have him most weekends because his parents are working, so far as Im concerned having a small person in my life helps keep me young at heart, fit and healthy, its a win all round. yes, we do escape to the pub after he is picked up, just to top up our 'lifeforce'

[The80sweregreat]

It's true that many grandparents are working till they are very late sixties and can't help out much but my mum didn't work outside the home and dad retired at sixty and neither helped me! Same with inlaws. Not interested at all.
It's s big factor these days but years ago some parents had the ' you want them you look after them' mantra! Mind you, bringing up babies was harder years ago with most things ( no washing machines or disposable nappies, nursery's etc) so cant blame them really.

[MarchingAnts]

I would never expect them to. Both sets are in their 60s and healthy and live really close by, but other than the odd evening of babysitting every few months, we don't expect any more. They had offered to do one day a week, but realistically we leave the house at 7am and get home at 6pm, so I think even that is too much to ask.

There has been the odd time where I'm stuck in work and LO is sick, so they'd get her from nursery and mind her until i get out of work.
They've worked hard their whole lives and now is the time to enjoy their retirement.

[IrmaFayLear]

I wonder if there is some disconnect between people on here saying the gp love looking after their dcs, and the women on Gransnet weeping with tiredness!

There was a grandma who I used to stand outside the school with, and she looked after the gc full time. She was telling me that her heart sank when her mother's day present was... a trip on holiday with her dc and gc. She said she knew that it was a present for themselves!

[IrmaFayLear]

Furthermore I am still steaming about the lovely woman up the road who, when I said I stayed at home, openly sneered and said she could never let her brain rot. Hmmph. This is the woman whose dm turns up every day at 7am and stays in the house all day till 7pm to look after her gc.

[Betterversionofme]

When I was very young my grandfather was taking care of me until he died while my mum went to work. He brought up his 2 children by himself (used to kids) and couldn't work in 'normal' jobs (blind, not old age blind, blind whole his life). I have very few fond memories. I think it was what people involved wanted to do.
My other grandfather visited very often, sometimes staying for a few weeks. He didn't 'look after us' but he ALWAYS called us to come to him and help him. To sweep our pavement, (very long pavement), to clean chicken coop, to clean chicken cook again, to weed out garden, to dig some veggies from our garden, to make a twig broom, to sweep pavement again, to go forage for mushrooms (that one meant hours long walk in a forest). Never ending.
Grandmother - never.
I think it is circumstances. I live in a different country from my parents so obviously they are not involved, my PIL live hundreds of miles away.
I don't think grandparents are obligated or even should do grandkids supervision. They did their job bringing up own kids. They can't take control of how many grandchildren they will have so they hardly should be expected to contribute. Grandchildren are only to be enjoyed.
To say that I would grandly help my children in special circumstances. Someone in hospital or ill, after birth, something like that. Everyday running of a household, that should be sorted by them, even if it is hard. You grow by tackling challenges. My idea of spending time with my grandchildren if I will have any is to take them to a kids theatre and to eat in a restaurant afterwards, pop in for an hour with some food, not babysitting. I have my own plans for later on.

[SusanneLinder]

I'm a Gran with 3 DGC. I became a Gran in my 40's so I am still working but help out when I can. I had my youngest grandchild last Saturday so her parents could have a rare night out.
My two oldest grandchildren come here for sleepovers and I just love having them.
Because there is a gap between my oldest child and my youngest, I remember how difficult it was to get babysitters ( I didn't have parents that could help much), so always help when I can. DH has health issues so can't manage the youngest himself, but picks up the older two from school or after school care if needed .
We have a lovely relationship with our Grandchildren, and I don't get why Grandparents don't help.

[Chamomileteaplease]

Only read your posts Jadefeather but as you really want the help and why not, I would be very direct about it.

Could you say to each set of grandparents, it would really help me if we could have an arrangement whereby every Thursday morning (for instance), you come round and take care of DC1 while I rest/wash/read/go for a walk/do some cleaning/whatever.

Then you might be able to have two mornings or afternoons a week which you can rely on to have a break. Then you can see how that goes for all of you and take it from there? If it goes well and everyone is happy you may be able to arrange something for those periods that you are worried about.

If they both say no, I would seriously reconsider the incredible support you currently give them and back off and concentrate on your own family.

[Jojoanna]

I have one GC who lives 200 miles away . I’m still working full time so difficult to provide help . I visit every 4 weeks . If they lived local I would help more

[ohtheholidays]

I do think illness/disability/needing to work aside(the grandparents I mean)that some grandparents don't help out because that's just who they are as people.

My parents never ever helped me even when I was on my own with 4DC,the day I came home from having my 4th(me and her Dad had split up before I even knew I was pregnant with her)I walked in the door and my Mum walked out that's how much help I got.

Yet my Nan(my maternal grandmother)had looked after me pretty much every day and she'd do some housework and peel a pan of potatoes ready for when my Mum got home from her part time job and I was only 1 of 3 and my siblings were 13 and 15 when I came along.

What made it even worse is I'd helped my parents and I'd helped them alot whilst I was still a child myself,I'd pay them keep and on top of that I'd buy them food and lend them money(and never ask for it back)and I'd treat them to meals out and take aways but when I needed help I got pretty much none in return.

I'm following my Nanny's behaviour,we've just become grandparents and despite the fact that we still have 3 of our 5DC at home me and my DH help our DD and DGrandson out alot,we take him for a couple of hours in the hope that our poor DD can catch up on some sleep(he's only 6 weeks and being breastfed and he's a very hungry baby)we'll catch up on her laundry for her and take her food shopping anything we can do to help were happy to help.

Sadly my parents could be quite selfish even when it came to they're own DC when we were growing up so sadly it wasn't so much of a shock when they were the same with they're grandchildren.

[RuffleCrow]

It's luck of the draw - just as with parents. Mine are a good deal worse than unhelpful. Spiteful, even. I regularly get grandparent envy as where i live people don't fall far from the tree. Ah well.

[ShinyGiratina]

We knew that our DC's grandparents were too far away to be practical help. They are also the wrong ages. Granny and Great Grandma are both in their 80s and have lost the energy to be particularly interested in primary age grandchildren. It's sad remembering their interest in the other cousins over the years and that ours don't have that kind of relationship.

At the other end of the scale, Grandma is young enough that she works full time. With the distance, she has little time to visit us.

I'm not disappointed in that my expectations weren't high to begin with. Our extended family tends to bob along in its own bubbles. However since having children, I've been suprised that so many parents seem to have local, friendly, helpful grandparents of the right state of health and age. DH and I both screwed that up at birth! The problem is that other people's grandparent arrangements are isolating. Because they use grandparents for support, we can't create a reciprocal arrangement without being one-way cheeky fuckers.

[Ihatesundays]

I have a friend who was practically raised by her GM. She spent more time there than at home. Including every single weekend from Friday to Monday, her mum had her own life entirely.
She had a few kids and was then moving back home. She told me she was really looking forward to basically dumping her kids on her DM and basically doing what she wanted.
Her DM turned round and said ‘I don’t really do children, I wouldn’t know what to do with them.’ It’s kinda funny, but not really unexpected

[The80sweregreat]

Maybe it is a a thing of how you were treated yourself to how much time you spend or help with Grandkids? My mum didn't get any help at all so she was the same with me. Emergencies only , and even then it was on her terms! I think lll be the same as I didnt get any help and was told to get on with it. Which I did.
I was a bit envious of others but I'm sure a lot of help comes with conditions attached which you never hear about! Plus considering how many mumsnetters go 'no contact ' with their parents a bet a lot of people have to struggle on alone.
A lot of parents who want to do more are probably not able to as they have fallen out or people don't want them involved.

[stormy11]

L