To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

It’s only ignorant selfish people who measure the amount of love a grandparent has for their grandkids by the amount they help out (which usually means enabling the parents to have thousands of pounds worth of free childcare and babysitting.)

I will want to help my children out by providing help where I can, but there are many legitimate reasons why grandparents might not feel able to, and frankly it stinks when you see parents trying to claim that the grandparents have some superior bond with their grandkids just because they feel pressured into being free child minders

Mine did nothing much and neither did my in laws. If you want kids you look after them was the mantra.
I envied everyone I knew who had so much help and free childcare! They didn't know how lucky they were. Made me more independent though.

Our parents were all just left to get on with it with next to no help whilst my peers expect their parents to do a lot of child care. This

Our parents were all just left to get on with it with next to no help whilst my peers expect their parents to do a lot of child care

I was practically raised by my grandparents. I am 38. I had my own room there, they took me everywhere, were the ones who gave me pocket money and cooked my dinners.

My Mum on the other hand is very happy to help in theory but when actually asked, is always very busy with made up jobs, says she will and then doesn’t turn up, or forgets. Or as I just said, says she’ll mind them while I’m 3 rooms away cooking dinner, and then goes out without saying a word.

Get a night nanny lined up for 5 nights a week from the get go. They will help get the baby into a routine and if you're sleeping the days won't be so bad. You simply don't already have the relationship built up with your in laws to expect the level of help you'll need.

I would love to help out Dgc but my dd lives a distance away, wish I could be closer

I used to help a lot with family young children, but eventually, I noticed that I was barely spoken to as children were brought to me. A problem arose and I asked for some help but it did not happen.
One day even the most submissive person gets wise to the expectation of younger generations.

Our parents were all just left to get on with it with next to no help whilst my peers expect their parents to do a lot of child care

My mother had absolutely no help from her mother so would love to help me if she were able. She really understands how hard it is. My MIL had a ridiculous amount of help from her own mother, MIL and SIL. She was able to work full time without paying for childcare because of this. She has never offered us any help and sneers at my role as a SAHM - because childcare for three (one with SN) is so prohibitively expensive - but still would never help if we asked. I don't understand her reasoning. She's almost proud of not helping us.

For those who don’t have support, how did you manage the early weeks/ months particularly if you had multiples or a small age gap

You just get on with it. Never occurred to me to expect anyone to help or to pay someone. Our choice to have children, no one else got a say in it.

There shouldn’t be an expectation that grandparents will provide child care. People moan when men fail the help around the house and say they should have been bought up to be self sufficient but yet so many expect their parents to take care of the grandchildren.

My parents actually do it willingly once we had 2 events on in a week and i got a sitter for one night. My mum heard about it a few days before and made me cancel because she didnt feel comfortable having a stranger looking after them. Also she has no problem telling me no when she doesnt feel like it or she cant.
Also, it doesnt necessarily mean that gps love their grandchildren less when they dont help out much, but the bond is just completely different. One of my grandmothers im not very close to. I used to see her maybe 5x a year even though she lives a 15min drive away. I see her a bit more often now that shes in a nursery home, because i go and visit her, but its always a bit awkward because i dont know what to talk about.
My other grandma still lives at her home, about the same distance. I see her 3-5x a week, because we are very close. I can just pop is for a coffee anytime and we can talk for hours. She was always very involved in our lives. She has 18 grandchildren and we all have a close bond with her and see her as often. Even my kids ask to go see her all the time because she is so engaged with them and also looks after them sometimes (short periods obviously). Of course she is incredibly lucky to still be able to do all this at her age. My grandfather is 91 and grandma tells me hes always happiest after seeing one of his grandkids. They genuinely enjoy having kids over.

I understand that everyones different and not everybody wants to spend all day taking care of grandkids when they have raised their own kids already, but to say that grandparents dont enjoy being free babysitters isnt true for everyone.

To be clear, when I said "Our parents" I was referring to my peers in my community and social class. Not "our" as in "the whole of Mumsnet".

After our dil returned to work when dgs was 9 months we were both still working but spent a weekend every fortnight helping out with child care. It involved a 300 mile round trip.
We now live in France and have our dgs for 4 weeks in the summer holidays( he was 5 the first year). We also pay for half of his after school care as we are not there to help.
We are going to care for him for the 2nd week of Xmas.
I love looking after dgs and sometimes wished we lived nearer.
If we lived near we would probably pick him up after school.
Dil’s mum doesn’t live near and rarely goes to see them. Dil has to travel to her mum’s.

My mother retired to help with DD and my parents even moved over two counties to be as hands on as my own grandparents were. My mother and MIL provide all childcare, and we help our parents out whenever they need it. We’re all very close and just one big family!

When I have mentioned to my mum I am struggling to keep up with housework ( for example when baby hasn't been well and I have barely slept ) she just says she has her own housework to do ... similarly mother In law has mentioned that I get a cleaner . They just live their own life but always want to look after baby on their own ( he is only8 months old) I have only let them have him for a couple of hours twice. I don't see why they should have him as they don't help me out at all they always want me to go and meet them and have lunch out with baby which involves travel and added stress for me they never make my life easier then just expect my baby to themselves .

All families are different but I expect it's hard when you know your own grandparents helped out.

My parents helped me with a couple of days a week child care in the holidays and the very occasional overnight when my girls were a primary school. They would also pick up from childcare if I was working late or at uni. But my mum has always been a SAHM and my dad retired early so they were available.

I'm a grandma now and I have my little granddaughter every other Saturday evening to Sunday.
I'm very young to be a grandparent but I'm bloody shattered when she goes home, (but I love having her, she's a delight). So I can see how much older people would be exhausted looking after young children.

If they lived closer, I would love to see her and DD more often but as I work full time and they live a good distance away, this isn't possible.

I don't understand people who aren't bothered with their grandchildren. I might be nackered when mine goes home but we have lots of fun, trips to feed the ducks, park etc, I love her to bits.

Forgot to mention also I am doing a keep in touch Day soon and my mum has said " you know I'm happy to help that day " ( his dad will be with him) funny how she happy to help when I'm out of the picture.

I don't think it's fair to expect GPs to help look after your children but it's nice if they can help.
My DM has my DD(9) to stay for the occasional sleepover and will always have her for the day if I need emergency childcare but she isn't well enough to provide full time childcare so I pay a CM to do that. She loves seeing DD though and can't spend enough time with her.

My PIL have DD to stay sometimes in the holidays partly to help with childcare and partly to spend quality time with her but they are too far away to do day to day stuff. Even if they were closer they still work so it wouldn't be practical for them to provide childcare.

My DHs aunt in contrast does all the childcare for her 6 grandchildren and loves it but she has the money and the health to be able to so.

All of the GPs above love their GCs the same amount even though the level of help they can provide is different. The level of help GP give isn't a reliable measure of how much they love their GC.

I believed in self sufficiency before I had kids but the reality is, kids only seeing 2 adults - their parents - other than people you pay for childcare is a bit sad.

I do think it’s hard to form a close bond with an adult if you’re just visiting someone’s house for special occasions.

In my demographic in my part of the UK, this is what I experienced first hand. It doesnt make either of us wrong.

To be pedantic, it actually does make you wrong when you say “it was unheard of in my day” It may well have been unheard of in your area, but not in your day. And perhaps where I was brought up, it is uncommon to see it there nowadays, I have no idea. But it definitely is not a modern phenomenon. Even going back to when my mum was little, grandparents looking after grandchildren whilst parents worked was not at all unusual.

It all boils down to if someone wants to help they will help if they don't want to then they won't. No one is entitled to help though it would be nice

@MintyMabel If we are being pedantic, I didn't say "in my day" at all. I think I've made it perfectly clear that that I am talking about my experiences growing up in my community and demographic when I was little and how there has been a clear change amongst my peers. I didn't claim it was the case for all people in their thirties across the UK. It seems like such a petty thing to nitpick about and I'm not sure why you are continuing to take issue with my posts. I didn't any point say that grandparents were never involved in childcare before now, just that it was very rare in my social circles and now its exceedingly common. I'm bored of this pettiness now and I'm out.

None. My parents too ill. DHs lived too far away. I did leave baby DC with MIL once and discovered her idea of babysitting was locking a baby in a room and ignoring it - so that never happened again.

I know someone who looks after her 3 GC for several days a week whilst her parents work. She has been guilted into it. In fact they have little do with her unless she is providing childcare. She has to go to theirs and stay on a sofa bed to provide this care. They never come to her (even though she has 2 bedrooms decorated for GC). She’s not a nice woman these days and she has lost many of her friends as they tell her she needs to be ‘on call’ in case they need her, so she makes no plans with anyone. She’s 80 at the start of the year and looks terrible when she comes home from caring for the GC.
She feels like she can’t say no to them though as she’s frightened they will cut her off.

We recently moved to be near our daughter and son-in-law and help with our first grandchild when my daughter goes back to work. We're a fit, mid-60's retired couple. I have offered two days a week and he will go to nursery for the other day as my daughter will work part time. I see them both loads at the moment as my daughter is still on maternity leave. I look after him so she can pop to the shop, have a bath, or a nap. It gives me huge joy to spend so much time with him. I count myself to be a very lucky, fortunate woman. My daughter says she feels lucky we're here now. It's a win-win situation for us all.

@Humpdayruminations Do night nannies really train tiny babies? We sleep trained our baby at 3-4 months after that he was so much more settled. I’ve learnt some techniques from my sleep consultant. I just didn’t think it could be done earlier than 3 months?

I do think I will need help in the following two scenarios in the near future:
When DH goes away for a few weeks and I’m looking after DC1 on my own whilst being pregnant
When the new baby arrives if DH is looking after DC1 I’ll need an extra pair of hands with the baby until I’ve recovered from the c section.

@DaphneduM That’s lovely. Sometimes I feel like some people just like children more and get more joy out of spending time with them? I think my mother just had children because it was the thing to do and you didn’t want to be alone in your old age. Sometimes from the way that she talks about it, I think if it wasn’t for those things she would have never had us.