Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

[Elbad]

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

YANBU.
I wouldn't say anything to DC personally but I'd be keeping a very close eye on the dynamic there.

JinglingHellsBells

OP has clarified her child is female.

priceofprogress I did see that a few posts back but I wasn't sure who 'she' was- if it was the child or the other person (it was all confusing and some posters upthread were saying this was a gay relationship....)

I wouldn't be comfortable with that either but there isn't much you can do about it unfortunately other than speak to her and be a support for her

YANBU

There are several “red flags” here:
Secrecy
Age gap - he is twice her age
His history of relationships with women half his age

He doesn’t sound very nice if he can’t cope with a woman of his own age - on the face of it, it looks like he doesn’t see women as his equals.

is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

Scottish! Your 'wee one'! I'd not call a 21 yr old woman a 'wee one' for a start.

Okay, she is very inexperienced regarding relationships. But choosing an older man is not that bad.

When I was in a relationship with an older man, I think my parents were quite pleased, assuming he'd be more stable and reliable than some previous boyfriends I'd had (including one who was same age as me, who broke off our engagement.)

My parents always thought of me as mature and my dad said I would need someone at least 8 - 10 yrs older than me rather than a young immature 'boy'!

So- it can work both ways.

Some parents like you are horrified, others find it quite comforting that their DD is dating an older man who could be a 'father figure' in some ways.

What's more important than his age, is his life experience. Maybe he hasn't had many relationships?

It's not that many years ago that professional older men established their careers and 'prospects' before marrying a younger woman who could bear them children.

Just popping in with a different perspective. I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 43 (although he looks young for his age so at the time I guessed he was in his 30’s rather than his 40’s). We met through work. We worked in the same building in completely different departments and floors but both decided to keep our relationship quiet in the beginning. We knew some people would be judgmental of the age gap. We also didn’t want all the office gossips watching our every move and asking awkward questions. We did tell everyone eventually, maybe about 3/4 months later. By that time we had established ourselves enough as a couple that it just made sense at that point.

We have been together now for 14 years and have a 10 year old DD. We both knew pretty early on in the relationship that it was just going to work. We get on great and have a lot in common when it comes to things like music and movies. We laugh at the differences that sometimes arise from our age gap (eg: DH will say ‘remember when ..’ and start taking about something that happened when I was a small child or not yet born. Or I will talk about things that are from my childhood and he won’t have a clue what I’m on about). For the most part though we don’t even think about the age gap and just live our lives like any other family.

I just felt I had to comment on this thread as there is a lot of negativity, I think it’s good to be a little cautious but don’t write this guy off as being some sort of predator or having sinister motives. They are both adults and in the grand scheme of life an age gap isn’t the end of the world if they get along and are good for each other.

All the pps saying the age gap is fine, are missing the fact that this man has shown a preference for very young girlfriends. Did your partners, or those that you know of, also have a history of going with young women?

It's one thing meeting someone with that age gap, and falling in love, but quite another to exclusively date women that much younger. And then, to top that off with the secrecy, raises red flags.

Thanksforallthefish, I'm glad your relationship is so good, it does work sometimes, I have a cousin whose husband was a lot older and they were happy. However the op's daughter's boyfriend isn't like your husband or my cousin's, he has a history with young girls/women.

All the pps saying the age gap is fine, are missing the fact that this man has shown a preference for very young girlfriends

And? Your point is?.

If this is an allusion to him being a pervert or a paedo, it's ridiculous.
For a start it's all hearsay! The OP said she 'did some digging' which is meaningless. I assume he is so famous she has trawled the Daily Mail or a rag to find out his romantic history.
I can assure you that some girls of 17 or 18 are not shrinking violets or innocent virgins but may in fact be predatory, sexually experienced young women, hitting on a richer older man who has some 'status' (if he has.)

It may be that this poster's daughter is all starry eyed at being with a man we are lead to believe is 'famous' in some way but there are far worse relationships- married men, thrice divorced men, drug dealers, alcoholics, gamblers....

If his on'y 'crime ' is to be 18 yrs older and has dated younger women so what? They were not 13 yr olds.

Get a grip.

All the pps saying the age gap is fine, are missing the fact that this man has shown a preference for very young girlfriends

Very young? She is 21 fgs.

I have a preference for older men. Since I left school at the very early end of the 1990's I have only once dated someone who was within 5 years of my age. He was a dick, as were a couple of older people I dated. But I don't see anything wrong in my choices. I married someone 20 years my senior and there is no imbalance in our relationship.

Omg early beginning of the 90's not the end

@obviously

they are picking up on the OP saying she has evidence that when he was 34 he dated a 17 yr old. I suspect she picked this up from a redtop/ rag. Is he that famous that his love life is all over the papers?

I think what is more worrying is that the OP calls her daughter a 'child' and a 'wee one' when she is a grown woman.

I fully get that we all call our children ' children' at times (mine are in their 30s and yes, I will say 'I have 2 children') but I'd not post on a forum that my 21 yr old was a 'child'.

I don't know what the OP hopes to achieve by her anxiety over this. She can't stop her DD seeing this man. She could talk about the age gap in a light hearted way, but the worry she seems to have is that he's some sort of odd ball.

Ok - here’s my own experience -

When I was 21 I had a six month ‘thing’ with a 35 year old man in my workplace. He wasn’t my direct boss but was senior to me and it would not look good for him if people knew. Personally I felt I had more power in the relationship. He would worry about:

• how I was younger and more attractive than him
• about how I was out every weekend with my friends and might meet someone my own age
• about how if it went sour I could just turn up on HR with a sob story about how he pounced on me and he’d be the one in the shit and I’d be the victim

To be honest, I totally played it up. I loved the power I had over him and was slightly drunk on it. In the end he decided he needed to straighten his life out a bit and stop shagging the bright young secretary, both of us knew it was never going to be a marriage/kids scenario and we parted on amicable terms. Ten years later we’re still friends and he is married with children to a woman his own age, and I’m married to someone 3 years older than me.

I know you feel she doesn’t have much life experience but neither did I at that point and it was a fabulous time for me (albeit one where I look back and think I was rather manipulative). He got a fling with a hot 21 year old, I got to feel like a worldly grown up and got something a bit ‘wild’ out of my system. As it was the next man I dated went on to be DH! I know she’ll always be your baby and you can tell see her as a flirtatious vixen type, but actually I think even us studious shy types have that side to us and it’s nice to explore it before settling down. I still fondly remember about how he made me feel like a bit of a sex goddess which gave me so much confidence and is rather nice to remember now that DH and I are mid 30s and not troubling any office desks with action after hours

I’m not saying this is what’s going on with your DD but I’m just sharing to say it might not be the abusive/grooming situation you envisage it to be.

A 40yo who dates a 21yo is a sleaze.

A 40yo who dates a 21yo is a sleaze.

Why?

Do elaborate please.

Not keen on the pattern of much younger men - why can’t older man attract men of same age? There’s a massive power imbalance between 21 and 40. I would talk to your ds, keep comms open, ask why he likes older man, etc.

No need for elaboration. Twas ever thus.

Older men who only date much younger people are sleazy for sure.

I agree Loopy and so many people claiming they don’t see it as an issue, or ‘understand the problem’ etc etc . If my 40 year old brother, friend, son started dating a 21 year old I would not be impressed.

And now that I am older I have a few friends who married older men without exception they all bitterly regret it as they have ended up as carers for old men.

The important issue here is why is the ‘older man’ keeping it all so secret?

he decided he needed to straighten his life out a bit and stop shagging the bright young secretary, both of us knew it was never going to be a marriage/kids scenario and we parted on amicable terms.

So he left the company, leaving you to pursue your bright secretarial career unaffected....?

If my 40 year old brother, friend, son started dating a 21 year old I would not be impressed.
And if I were the 21 yr old I wouldn't care whether or not you were impressed.
She's 21. Whether it turns into a long term relationship or not it is her business.
I met my husband at work. We kept it a secret until we both left the company as it was nobody's business but ours.

Butchy 'wee one' can be regional rather than infantilising.

Not for a 21 year old!

I would be interested to know if the posters who wouldn't be at all concerned are parents of daughters the same age as the OP's daughter. DD is 19. I would be concerned if she started something with someone nearly twice her age.

@Ginfordinner OP says "They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely HIS (BOYFRIENDS) work." So its a younger guy and an older guy, not saying that there shouldn't be any concern but it's not about her daughter.