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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

255 replies

Elbad · 08/11/2019 10:51

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

OP posts:
dottypotter · 08/11/2019 14:40

leave it alone. age is just a number .

underground76 · 08/11/2019 14:40

If this is a gay relationship then I would suspect the secrecy is because the boyfriend isn't 'out' at work. If it's a straight relationship then the secrecy is a bit more concerning.

As for the age gap, then yes, it's a big age gap, but your 'child' is in fact an adult and it's not really any of your business any more. I know people who were married at 21 and I also know plenty of enduring, stable relationships between couples with a large age gap - a relative of mine married a man 20 years younger than her and they've just celebrated their silver wedding.

Your child can make their own decisions. Yes, they might get hurt. But they are just as likely to get hurt by someone their own age. All you can do, as the parent of an adult, is be there for them if it goes wrong.

dayslikethese1 · 08/11/2019 14:41

I don't understand why it would affect his work, your child is an adult. Unless he's their boss or something?

Ragwort · 08/11/2019 14:42

obviously, surely you can see that it is highly inappropriate for a 40 year old politician to be dating a 21 year old? Hmm

tillytrotter1 · 08/11/2019 14:43

Sounds like she's been targeted by an abuser.

Gold medalist in the leaping to conclusions caregory!
To refer to a 21 year old as 'my child' and 'my wee one' makes me feel sorry for the 21 year old!

Spidey66 · 08/11/2019 14:47

When i was 23, so not much older than you daughter, I was with a 40 year old. It fizzled out after about 9 months, mainly because of the age gap. I wanted to go out partying and to gigs, he wanted to stay home with his Werthers Originals.

Oh and he was a prick!

Seriously what I'm saying is it may die a n natural death, once she realises they're at different stages in their life.

obviously · 08/11/2019 14:49

surely you can see that it is highly inappropriate for a 40 year old politician to be dating a 21 year old?

Not really, no. What is inappropriate?

Also. He isn't 40.

ZandathePanda · 08/11/2019 14:51

Tilly how do you introduce your children? Hello this is Tom and Kate, I birthed them.
Hello, these are the people that are my family and a generation below me.
My mum calls us her children and we are in our 40s.

NKFell · 08/11/2019 14:53

In your shoes OP I would be the exact same and worried sick but, he's 21 and a grown man himself. You just have to stay quiet and stay there for him because pessimistically I doubt it'll last!

Babynut1 · 08/11/2019 14:55

I was 20 and was seeing a guy who was 42.
There was nothing sinister in it. We kept our relationship quiet for a while for similar reasons as he was worried about how it would be perceived.
He was a thoroughly decent guy.
Our relationship didn’t last but we were together 6 years and are still friends to this day.
I don’t have any regrets.

Astrabees · 08/11/2019 14:59

Harmful to a politician? When we have serial adulterer and father of illegitimate children 54 year old Boris Johnson living at no 10 with his girlfriend aged 31 ?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/11/2019 15:00

He isn't 40.

He's nearly 40. The OP's digging revealed he dated a 17 year old in his mid 30s. That's five years ago. If it's not public knowledge already then how do people find stuff like that out?

I dunno... OP have you met the partner? Could your "wee one" be making up stories about who his partner is and why you can't meet him so as to deflect your interest?

Spidey66 · 08/11/2019 15:02

Sorry OP i thought it was your daughter while everyone else thinks it's your sob. (I still think his (boyfriends) work is ambiguous though.) But same or opposite sex relationship my postb remains the same, except that my own relationship was straight.

Ragwort · 08/11/2019 15:02

Do we have to spell it out obviously, surely if the nearly 40 year old Hmm politican feels he needs to keep the relationship ‘secret’ then he himself knows it is totally inappropriate?

** we do not know if the older man in this situation is a politician, but from what the OP says he is likely to be in some form of ‘authority’, ie; a local politician, teacher etc

Purpleartichoke · 08/11/2019 15:04

I don’t think an age gap is immediately problematic.

But what op is describing is not remotely ok. Secrecy is a huge problem and the fact that it pairs with such a significant age difference means OP should at a minimum, advise her dd to be careful.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/11/2019 15:10

My mum calls us her children and we are in our 40s.

English people don't call their adult children "little ones" and I have never heard "wee one" used in Scotland of anyone past puberty. I just supposed the OP was joking about her own feelings as a worried parent.

obviously · 08/11/2019 15:18

Do we have to spell it out obviously, surely if the nearly 40 year old politican feels he needs to keep the relationship ‘secret’ then he himself knows it is totally inappropriate?

Yes please do 'spell it out'

I have no idea why you suggested that it would be inappropriate for a politician to be in a relationship with someone younger. So please feel free to let me know

Original poster
Elbad · 08/11/2019 15:22
  1. She is a woman. Not that it should matter but I see it does to some.
  1. The Boris analogy, whilst made me smile, is off the mark. No politicians involved and I am sure that wouldn’t matter...in fact there would, as pointed out, be more scrutiny if it was (we hope).
  1. I have said, and I will back off...be as welcoming as I have been and continue keeping my misgivings to myself. It’s none of my business apparently.
  1. She will always be my child even at 40/60 whatever age. If you can’t get behind that, I feel sorry for you.

Thanks again...this has been very helpful and extremely enlightening.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/11/2019 15:27

Is the boyfriend in a position of authority over your DD? University lecturer is the obvious one but manager also.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/11/2019 15:31

I have a friend married to a man 28 years older. They met when she was mid 20s.

I had a long term partner of 35 when I was 21. It was fine. I was mature.

It's none of your business and I'd rather a DD was happy than with someone in the 'acceptable' age range of perhaps up to 10 yrs older (or younger?) but they were a wally.

1forAll74 · 08/11/2019 15:33

You are not being a ninny at all, just maybe a bit concerned about your sons situation, as it's a bit different to what you maybe have envisaged for him in life.

I imagine that the secrecy aspect of this,is because of some peoples judgement about them both, it will happen I am sure, but really nothing to do with anyone else.

I am not in favour,of people who say things like, it would be a control and power thing,with an older person being with a much younger person. That generalisation is stupid, and not always the case.

I would hope that things work out for everyone, and everyone is happy, including yourself.

Aria999 · 08/11/2019 15:33

I share your concerns about previous dating history and keeping it secret.

I wouldn't be bothered about the age gap by itself as long as the relationship seems functional. My mum and dad had this age gap and it was fine. Though they did eventually grow apart and split up after 16 happy years together.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/11/2019 15:35

Sorry- to rephrase the above @Elbad...I think it's the quality of the relationship and the compatibility that matters, not if they are within the 'acceptable' age range of 10 years either way.

You can have very mature women of 21 and very immature or young men at 40.

If you ignore the age gap, does she seem happy and does he treat her kindly and with love?

JinglingHellsBells · 08/11/2019 15:36

Sorry again- is the child a man and the older partner a woman? Life too short to read 8 pages.

That makes a difference.

However, again, I know a couple in RL with that age difference and they are happily married.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/11/2019 15:41

OP can you clarify?

I do think the gender is an issue and it's not clear if your 'child' is male or female.

The boyfriend is a 'he' as you refer to 'his work'.

It matters a lot if this is same sex relationship or woman/ older man or man/ older woman, not least because of wanting a family at some point ( and yeah, ok, there are ways round that for all genders but it's not always an easy path...)