Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

[Elbad]

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

Apologies if this has already been asked and answered but does your child work (or study, or use the services of) within the same organisation as where the older boyfriend works? The situation is ethically very different depending on this.

It has been asked. And studiously not answered.

The fact that at 39 year old man is trying to keep his 21 year old girlfriend a secret is a red flag

Yup. Whether it’s a 21 year old man or woman, given the secrecy and the history of relationships with people half his age, he sounds a sleaze at the very least.

And deeply unsatisfactory as a person who can’t cope with a partner who is his equal.

It is a red flag. OP knows the reason and won't share though so what can any of us say to be helpful

Sounds a bit like a Leo DiCaprio scenario.

Except LDC is older than 40.

And 21 is pushing the upper age limit of what he usually dates.