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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

255 replies

Elbad · 08/11/2019 10:51

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

OP posts:
Blippolbblopp · 08/11/2019 11:05

Although legally hes an adult i wouldnt like it

What has a 40 year old got in commen with a 21 year old? I think it is grim. I really would not feel comfortable if this was my child. Although i know my feelings are swayed because i was in a relationship with an older abusive man.

Youve got to wonder why the elder person isnt dating someone their own age? Is it because people their own age can see who they are and someone younger is naive?

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 08/11/2019 11:05

You should care but that doesn't mean there is anything you can do about it. I'd be concerned that there was a pattern of predatory relationships. The secrecy makes me uneasy too as it makes it much easier for the older partner to hide a marriage/children/SO. I'd also be uneasy that they are consistently abusing their position if an age-gap relationship would affect their career.

JoJoSM2 · 08/11/2019 11:06

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. But unfortunately your child is unlikely to listen to you telling them this! As long as they’re safe from actual harm, it might just be a case of you being there to pick up the pieces when it falls apart.

That’s what I think too.

BlueEyedPersephone · 08/11/2019 11:07

I completely understand why you feel this way if you are unsure if your son is being dominated or controlled by an older man, you cannot however get involved as your son is an adult. All you can do is ensure your relationship with him stays close and you are there for him if he needs you.

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2019 11:08

I would be very concerned indeed. Can you talk to your child?
When my dd was in a problematic relationship at this age I wrote her a letter explaining my concerns and reassuring her that whatever happened I was always available- that I would collect her and house her if she needed it. She didn’t mention it at the time, but she did call me when she needed to.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 08/11/2019 11:08

Butchy 'wee one' can be regional rather than infantilising.

Original poster
Elbad · 08/11/2019 11:09

Thank you so far. Believe me, I am not even batting an eyelid outwardly. It is true, 21 is adult! Home life is still good and I am not at all putting up any barriers about the situation. . I am pretty sure, looking up his history, that in some future time, I will be picking up the pieces. No one wants their child to get hurt. This is almost certainly on the cards, I fear though, looking st his track record.

Is the ‘keeping it quiet’ thing that bothers me along with the skewed power dynamic. They are both single on their social media’s and don’t share anything that might suggest they are an item.

Maybe I am a dinosaur but I thought this might be a red flag as it opens the door to him denying the relationship if he wants. They are both very prolific users of social media so it isn’t a reluctance to share per se.

OP posts:
ViktoriaLukas · 08/11/2019 11:09

Well spotted @Walnutwhipster

cockcrowfarm · 08/11/2019 11:09

Oops, my comprehension was out too... Doesn’t make any difference to the advice if it is a son or daughter it is still an imbalanced relationship and I would have concerns.

priceofprogress · 08/11/2019 11:10

I think you’re entitled to feel a bit concerned over it, but as they’re both adults and any objection on your part will only push them further together (us against the world!) and you can’t stop them, I’d leave well alone. Just treat it like any other relationship and support them like you would if the age gap didn’t exist.

FWIW plenty of young adults date older and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, just like any relationship. At 22 I had a six month relationship with a 41 year old, it didn’t work out in the long run but neither did either of us expect it to, we both just enjoyed ourselves for what it was at the time and it was a great experience.

Aloe6 · 08/11/2019 11:13

Yanbu. The age gap feels predatory to me. As would the history of significantly younger partners.

Toooldtobearsed2 · 08/11/2019 11:13

Am I having comprehension problems? Where on earth is it stated that this is a same sex relationship?
Does a pp know something we dont?

Fwiw, whatever the set up, you just need to be there for them. Voicing any concerns may just create a distance between you that would be hard to close.
I do understand. My two are grown up now, but I think I would have struggled with a large age gap tbh.

However, your child IS a grown up. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst (but have an open mind).

Howlovely · 08/11/2019 11:13

My thoughts are the same, Butchy. You've presumably deliberately chosen to use infantisilng language and be vague about their gender. I get the gender thing as that actually doesn't matter if it's purely the age gap that bothers you rather than thinking your son is a 'bit on the side' for an older, possibly married, family man, hence the secrecy etc which would be a separate issue.
How can you know if your adult son/daughter (a 21 year old is not a 'wee one') has or hasn't had lots of experiences with partners? I am very close to my mum but she knew nothing of my sex/dating life when I was 21.
If it's purely the age gap that's worrying you I would just say they are not the first and won't be the last very happy couples with large age gaps. However, the other issues regarding secrecy and how the relationship could impact his job are definitely cause for concern. I think the way you have worded it though might confuse which is the biggest issue here as using such infantisilng language makes it sound a bit like you don't think your 21 year old is mature enough to be in a relationship.

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/11/2019 11:14

Just keep the lines of communication open so your DC (who isn't really a 'C' but a grown adult, just one with less experience of life) isn't afraid to come to you should things go sour.

Everyone is allowed to make mistakes. This might be one, but that's how we grow and learn. Just don't ever be the one to say 'I told you so'. Tea, sympathy and biscuits if it goes south, that's all.

RuffleCrow · 08/11/2019 11:14

"Wee one"?

"Child"?

Your daughter is a twenty one year old woman. If she's keeping him a secret from you, it could be something to do with the infantalising way you appear to view her. Work on that first and then you'll be in a position to get to know her partner and form educated opinions.

Witchinaditch · 08/11/2019 11:14

Your child is not a child but an adult. I would
Offer support, make sure she isn’t isolated from you at all. I’m sure they will make their own mind up about the relationship, I agree the age gap is too large but your daughter is not a child and can and will make their own decisions I would think you need to start to accept that.

Toooldtobearsed2 · 08/11/2019 11:14

Cross post. I did rtft😁

Walnutwhipster · 08/11/2019 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Junkmail · 08/11/2019 11:15

I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 41. We also kept it quiet for a long time because people can be judgemental. We’ve now been together for 9 years and are very happy. Obviously every situation is different and everyone is an individual but if my mother had interfered in my relationship I quite possibly now wouldn’t be happily married to a wonderful man. If you’re concerned then talk to your child but don’t assume the worst. And at the end of the day your child is an adult and if they want to be in this relationship there really isn’t anything you can do other than be there if they need you.

hidinginthenightgarden · 08/11/2019 11:15

I wouldn't be happy about this having been in a similar situation myself as the younger party in a secret relationship.
At first I thought it was exciting that we had to be a secret. I was young and niave, he was controlling and a great liar.
My parents hit the roof and made such a fuss that it lasted longer because I was trying to prove them wrong.
Stay quiet, enquire occasionally so they know they can confide in you and keep your fingers crossed that he gets bored!

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 08/11/2019 11:16

I can understand why you’d be concerned as a parent, and the fact there’s a pattern and it’s a secret isn’t great on the face of it. But it doesn’t always have to indicate grooming or abuse. I dated a 38 year old when I was 21. We’ve been married for 20 years now and I’ve never felt manipulated or controlled. In many ways he was the one with the sheltered life and I was more mature and had experienced more of certain aspects of life (travel etc). Sometimes age really is just a number. Be there for your child, keep communication open, be as non-judgemental as you can. It will either work out or it won’t, and if it doesn’t you’ll be there for them. 21 is an adult and they have to be allowed to live their own life.

RuffleCrow · 08/11/2019 11:16

Sorry - *son?

hidinginthenightgarden · 08/11/2019 11:18

*@RuffleCrow I think you need to read it again!
"she" is actually a "he" and they aren't keeping it from OP!

Footiefan2019 · 08/11/2019 11:18

Wish ppl on here would appreciate regional dialect.. wee one is perfectly normal in some parts of the UK.

HauntedPinecone · 08/11/2019 11:19

I don't think you are being a ninny (!) in the slightest. Of course you are going to get all the penis pleasers telling you that your child is an adult and can do what he/she wants, yay for them. Any normal person would be concerned that a 40 year old is deliberately seeking out much younger partners. Previous girlfriend was 17? Yuck.

There is a reason that a man of that age is choosing much much younger partners. Easier to control? Boosts his fragile ego? Whatever the reason, it aint good.