Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

[Elbad]

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

I don't understand that either...

I'd assumed that the man is either in another relationship or maybe a lecturer at Uni, perhaps teaching the OP daughter?

I think people in relationships with big gaps have to realise that they can't always make plans much past 50.
It's happened to every couple I've known like this. Fine until the older one wants care or dies.
Just happened in my family and the widow said she hadn't thought about it and had plans after she retired, she still hasn't retired and all those plans gone.

The OP has not clarified at all whether it is a same sex relationship or not. And it shouldn't make any difference if it is.

If one partner is 21 and the other is in their thirties, it isn't really mum's business to interfere, is it?

No, there has been NO confirmation of the sex of the OP's offspring.

The sentence in the OP which has caused confusion - the OP is referring to the older male partner - 'They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work' - the 'his' refers to the boyfriend, ie it is a secret otherwise it will impact the work of the older male boyfriend of her offspring.

OP, yep it's awkward to find a non sex-specific word for an adult offspring without using 'child', but it's not difficult at all to avoid calling your 21 year old ADULT offspring 'my wee one'. So for that alone I'll say you're clearly BU as I doubt very much you sound able to step back and treat them as the adult they are. Keep out of it.

Not sure if anyone mentioned it, but there is a formula you can apply to check if age gap is venturing into creepy territory:

Older person age divided by two, plus seven, is the lowest they can go. In this case 40/2+7=27. So yes, 21 is too young for this guy. Not even going to comment the 17y/o - that’s grooming.

As a parent of a 19 year old I would worry if she started a relationship with someone nearly 20 years older and wanted to keep it secret. I wouldn't interfere, of course, but it would stop me feeling concerned that the power balance in the relationship would be unequal.

She also thanked for a comment about age gaps being slightly more common in gay couples, as she didn't know.

But this is unimportant and the secrecy of it would had me very uncomfortable.

You are allowed to be concerned about and want to support your adult children you know. It’s only on Mumsnet that they are out the door earning their own livings on their 16th birthday.

OP- I don’t know whether you saw my earlier post- but in case you didn’t, I wrote a letter to my adult child when they were in a problematic relationship, setting out my concerns as dispassionately as I could and saying that I was absolutely on their side and would be there in a flash if they needed me. I did it because I wanted them to know, if they had doubts themselves, that they weren’t being irrational, and that if they wanted out, they had someone to help and somewhere to go. Then I just took a backseat. It was hard. But they got out eventually.

I wouldn’t be happy about it, but your child is an adult so you need to keep out of it IMO.
I’m more concerned that your refer to a 21 year olds as your ‘wee one’!

Why the obsession with ' it wont last'? Very few relationships do. Maybe its just a bit of fun for now. You shouldn't interfere but make sure you keep lines of communication open.

Ugh no. Grim.

There will undoubtedly be an imbalance of power there and given this mature man has a history of dating much younger men, I’d assume that’s why he does it. Men his own age won’t be as pliable.

It’s less the age gap than the secrecy that I’d worry about.

Is the boyfriend a politician? Because I could see why they might want to be seen as entirely squeaky clean in their private lives right now and to avoid gossip. Even so, it’s not a healthy way to conduct an adult relationship.

I think the sex is absolutely relevant in this case.

If it's a same sex relationship, there may be many reasons why the man does not want to go public with it.

If it's a woman/man relationship I would be suspicious of his reasons for keeping it secret. The main one being, of course, that he is probably married.

He may also be married if he's gay but there are so many possible scenarios that hiding the sex of the people involved just makes it more complicated to unpick.

I would be a little concerned but I can also confirm that both of my Male gay friends are married to men quite a bit older than them. The secrecy could be work or it could be that it is still early days. I would only mention something if I noticed my child was seeing friends less or isolating himself in any way.

It is difficult when they are adults because their relationships are really up to them, whether you approve or not. I would continue to be welcoming and ensure your son knows he can talk to you if needed.

but it would stop me feeling concerned that the power balance in the relationship would be unequal.

That should say "it wouldn't stop.

Apart from my misunderstanding the OP's original post, I don't understand the secrecy of her DC's sex. It does kind of draw more speculation to the scenario than warranted.

Why are you referring to your adult child as "my wee one"?
Probably won't last. There must be a reason for them keeping it secret, nothing you can do about it.

I dated quite a few older men when I was 19 to 21 and whilst the motivatation on my part was absolutely "daddy" issues, I don't feel they were harmful in the slightest.

It's the secrecy I wouldn't like. I was invited to meet parents, friends, siblings, work colleagues and the ex wife in one particular case (no children involved). They also came and met my parents & my friends. I think also how they met is important. None of the men I dated were in positions of authority relating to me (not my boss, not my lecturers etc) although they did all have fairly responsible positions. If things went sour we could just walk away without having to keep dealing with each other.

The clandestine nature of the relationship suggests lack of commitment and shagging around, have chat with son about safe sex and just be there for him when it goes wrong, as most 21 year old relationship do

My child, my wee one? She’s 21 for goodness sake. Why don’t you call her your daughter? I can understand why you might prefer her to have a boyfriend of a similar age but she is an adult who is allowed to make her own choices. From the way you refer to her I think you may be a bit invested in keeping her dependent on you.

I'm going to break my own rule about speculation and suggest maybe OP's DC is trans/non-binary but doesn't want to mention it on the thread given the strong feelings of many on this site about trans/non-binary persons and the risk of thread derailment..

I would agree that in non-hetro relationships age gaps are more common. But either way, you need to just be there for your DC. Interfering won't help and may very well hinder. We all need the opportunity to make our own mistakes. And I agree with PPs - why the obession with it 'lasting'? Some of my most important learning experiences have been through relationships which didn't work out. It's life experience.

Some people really need to rtft. (And wind their judgemental necks in about the expression ‘wee one’.)

Thank you all for your advice. I am going to reflect n it over the next day or two.

I have, and always will, my door and heart open to my child and their choices. There is no deliberate attempt at hiding the sex. It is because I don’t think that should be the issue. An inexperienced 21 year old is prone to mishap and hurt regardless of sex. Although I do appreciate the dynamic may be different depending on sexual orientation.

The comment that has struck home the most is that I must keep my beak out so I will. Tea and sympathy will always be on offer. The letter idea is a grand one.

The other comment that is giving me cause for consideration is the one about me opening the door or turning a blind eye to potential predatory behaviour. I will monitor accordingly but keep both my nose and mind from straying too far in that direction. I think that is why I have come here to begin with.

Incidentally, there is no other relationship or secret family thing. It is literally because it will be seen as damaging. I think he just likes younger people but to my knowledge there as been NO law breaking.

If there was a wife or partner involved, OP would have found that out, when doing her research on this man.

Eliot Spencer and Stephen Fry ( 32 & 62) Patrick Stewart and Sunny Ozell (79 &40) sometimes these big age difference relationships work.
I@m far more worried about you referring to a grown up son or daughter as a "child" and "wee one" . My sons left home at 18 for uni and have only returned for visits since. I have always regarded their relationships as being entirely a matter for them.